OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Andre Lower]

Hey, nice voice! Should make the victm's ass whipping a little easier to bear

[Keyboard]

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

 

A drummer

 

[linwood]

Some friends of mine. (Check out the I love Lucy Theme)Too funny.

 

The Tuxers .

[ProfD]

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

 

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

 

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[latchmo]

I like that one PD

along the same lines .....

 

A husband and wife go to a marriage counsler because they don't communicate anymore. The counsler tries for over an hour and can't get them to say even one word to one another.

 

Frustrated, the counsler says "Well, I didn't want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice..."

 

He pulls out a bass guitar from the closet and starts playing a bass solo.

 

The husband turns to his wife and says "So honey, how have you been"?

[latchmo]

so this Bb7#11 walks into a bar....

[K K]

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

 

The stage is level.

 

-------------------

 

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?

 

Ladies in Pain

 

--------------

 

Some definitions

 

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

 

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

 

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

 

relative minor: a girlfriend.

[ProfD]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

 

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

 

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

 

Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

 

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

[ITGITC]

Where is JaydaCop? He would enjoy these...

 

 

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country...

 

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

 

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

 

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

 

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

 

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

 

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

 

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

 

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

 

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

 

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

 

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

 

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

 

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?... You're right, we don't. .. Sign here.

 

============================

[Root]

I bought a new phone the other day. The first thing I did was hit redial.

[SilverDragonSoun]

So we go out have a few beers, get a little tipsy and we realize the following:

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

*****

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;

Loquacious; Transubstantiate

*****

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

 

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Silly but cute:

 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The

waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she

briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

 

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid

rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an

explanation.

 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

 

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

 

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck

[Andre Lower]

Short dictionary:

 

LOVE: Temporary infirmity bound to be cured by marriage. A word of four letters, two vowels and two idiots.

DANCE: Vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

HEADACHE: The contraceptive most frequently used by modern women.

VIRGIN: a 9-year old girl, way too ugly, who runs more than her cousin.

ORAL EXAMINATION: Technical examination required to get an internship in the White House.

TONGUE: Sexual organ used to speak in ancient times.

TRUST: Free access channel given to a person so that he/she can become abusive.

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "what a pretty dog" while you look for a stone to throw at it.

EASY: Adjective employed to qualify a woman whose sexual moral is the same of a mans.

HERO: Individual who, different from the rest, cannot run away.

MAN: Male human being, who during the first 9 months of his life dreams about getting out of a place he keeps trying to get back in again for the rest of his life.

INDIFFERENCE : Attitude displayed by a woman towards a man shes not interested in, dutifully interpreted by the man as if she were faking.

INTELECTUAL: Any individual capable of thinking for more than two hours about something other than sex.

TEAMWORK: Working model that affords the possibility of blaming somebody else.

[ITGITC]

A woman just sent me this:

 

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However,a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

A woman just sent me this:

 

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

 

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However,a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

I just told this to my girlfriend and she slapped me. Now I know its a good joke

[ITGITC]

The Headache

 

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a

moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did

you know?" "Been in the business 60 years".

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe

thought for a moment and said," Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

 

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

 

 

-------------------------

[SilverDragonSoun]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

The Headache

 

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a

moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did

you know?" "Been in the business 60 years".

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe

thought for a moment and said," Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

 

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

 

Man I needed a good laugh today!

[raddtunes]

Piano player walks up to singer: "Hey, how's it going?"

Singer: "Oh, everything's great - I just got signed to a major deal, I'm shooting a video, got distribution, getting ready to tour - - everyone I talk to everywhere is just so excited about my project."

Piano player: "Great"

Singer: "So how are you doin?"

Piano player: "Well, not so great. Work has just been very slow, and the only thing I have is Saturday night - $50 + tips - at The Smelly Dive Bar and Grill."

Singer: "Really? You're working The Smelly Dive Bar and Grill? Hmmm . . who's booking it????

[marino]

I'm sure I've posted this one before, but what the heck.

 

__________________________________

 

A lady walks into a pet store. She's casually looking around when she hears this beautiful singing. She follows the beautiful music and comes upon a cage with two birds in it. In the front of the cage is the prettiest bird she's ever seen, and the melodies it's singing are the most glorious and wonderful she's ever heard.

 

A sign reads, "One-thousand dollars for the pair."

 

The lady looks deeper into the cage and way in the back corner she sees this other bird covered with broken, discolored feathers. It's head is down, he's shaking a little, and he's weaving left to right as if in a stupor. It's a pathetic sight.

 

The clerk comes over and the woman asks, "How much for just the songbird?"

 

The clerk says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the pair."

 

The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed and he's hanging his head and weaving back and forth like he's drunk; while this bird is so pretty and happy and its melodies are so beautiful. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"

 

And the clerk says, "Because he's the composer."

[delirium]

a little Thanksgiving humor:

 

A guy walks into a pet store one day and sees a beautiful parrot. Its singing Randy Travis songs. It knows the alphabet, and even knows some movie quotes. The guys buys the parrot.

Well, he gets the parrot home and it starts swearing up a storm. The guys yells

at the parrot to stop, but it only squawks louder and cusses more. The guys finally losses it and throws the bird into the freezer.

The parrot starts squawking even louder and cusses enough to make a sailor blush. Then all the sudden the parrot gets really quiet.

The guy runs over to freezer thinking he just froze the bird he spent a small

fortune on. He opens the door and its okay.

The parrot says to him "I am so sorry about my cussing. It will not happen

again."

The guys says "Okay, but you have to be a good bird from now on, okay."

The bird says "Okay, but can I ask you a question?" He points to the turkey and

studders "What did he do?"

[david.edwards8]

My favourite musicians joke:

 

Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

 

A: It might be your bicycle

[MaFunk]

At An Upscale Bar........

 

C, E-flat and G entered a bar.

 

The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors."

 

The E-flat left and the C and G had an open fifth between them. After

a few drinks, the fifth was diminished and the G was out flat.

 

An F entered and tried to augment the situation but was not sharp enough.

 

A D entered and excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I'll just be

a second."

 

An A entered but the bartender wasn't convinced that this relative of

C was not a minor.

 

Then the bartender noticed a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. "Get

out, right now!" he exclaimed. "You're the seventh minor I've found in

this bar tonight."

 

The next night the E-flat returned to the bar in a 3-piece suit.

 

The bartender said, "You're looking sharp tonight. This could be a

major development."

 

This was the case, when the E-flat took off the suit and everything

else to stand there au natural.

 

Eventually, the C sobered up and realized in horror that he was under

a rest.

 

He was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the

diminution of a minor, and was sentenced to ten years of D.S. without

the possibility of a Coda.

 

On appeal, he was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental,

because the accusation was bassless.

 

The bartender decided he needed a rest -- and closed the bar.

[SilverDragonSoun]

For the Guys, sorry gals:

 

Bottle of Merlot

 

The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from

the

gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

 

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the

man,

and decided to send a reply note.

 

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read:

 

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your

garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to

return this to the woman.

 

It read:

 

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes

CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage . . . and there is over twenty

million dollars in my bank account.

However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three

inches. Just send the bottle back."

[SilverDragonSoun]

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

 

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

[SilverDragonSoun]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

 

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

 

All the men stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

 

All the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

 

Half the women stood up.

 

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

 

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[SilverDragonSoun]

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

 

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[K K]

Husband of the year.

 

http://www.cimpa.org/Husband%20of%20the%20year%20nr%203%20-%20Albania.jpg

[gangsu]

Yup, that was one bad year.

[Root]

A very poor man is having horrible pain in his elbow, but has no money to go to the doctor. A friend of his tells him about a machine at the local walmart, where he could go and pour in a sample of his urine, and the machine would tell him exactly what was wrong with him.

 

In disbelief he goes to Walmart and tries it. He pours a sample of his urine in and the machine spits out a card that reads "You have tennis elbow. Put it in a sling and rest it for 3 weeks and you will be fine."

 

He is flabbergasted that the machine gave him a response at all, let alone one that makes sense, but he is still skeptical, so he decides he will try to fake the machine out. So he goes home and gets his wife to pee in a cup for him. To really mess the machine up he has his daughter pee in the same cup. Then to really throw it off he jerks off in it as well.

 

So he takes it to walmart and pours it in, and the machine spits out a card that reads "your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, and if you dont stop jerking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow"

[Andre Lower]

This man was an average guy, with a decent, regular life. That was his problem, actually. He wanted something different to spice it up. After some soul searching he concluded he could get a kick out of his sexual life again, which reminded him that he'd never been to a brothel in his life. After some research, he chose to fly to England to visit the famous Chambers Brothel. It was pricey he had heard, but what the hell...

 

Once he got there he found out the details: You paid your fee and was ushered to a first basic chamber. On each chamber there would be a certain number of doors leading to other chambers, each door labeled with a hint of what was to be found beyond. The price would increase proportionately depending on the number of chambers layers he wished to have access to.

 

After some consideration he chose to spend 500 English Pounds on a five layer trip. All excited, he was ushered to the first chamber, where the lady closed the door behind him. there were three doors with the following labels: Blonde, Brunette and Redhead. He went through the Brunette door. Then he found himself in a second chamber, with the door locking behind him. This one had three doors labeled "International Standards", "Classic XXX" and "English Secret". The guy was getting pumped about it, and went for the "English Secret". Door locked behind him once again, he found another three doors in this chamber: "oiled skin", "fantasy dress" and "multiple accessories". Now the guy was drooling, and jumped for the "fantasy dress" door. This chamber had only two options, "frontal delight" and "rear heaven". The guy was trembling with desire, and dashed for "rear heaven".

 

Aware that this would be his last choice before the realization of his life's fantasy, the guy was confronted with his three last doors: "cozy home style", "wild" and "truly nasty". Exploding with desire, the poor man runs screaming through the "truly nasty" door...and...he was out in the street!