OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Jazzman]

There was an international contest to see who would rule the world. The thought was if a selected group could figure out a way to get to the sun they would win the contest and rule the world.

 

There was a group of scientists from Russia, a group from Japan and an Italian group.

 

They were each asked by a neutral country if any one group could figure out a way to get to the sun, if they could then they would as the grand prize be able to rule the world. Each group was given 6 months to come up with a solution.

 

The Russian group stated that it was impossible to get to the sun and bowed out of the compitition.

 

The group from Japan stated after a long review, and almost had a solution, gave up and stated that they too felt that it was impossible to get to the sun.

 

The spokman for the Italian group stood up and said, "Thatsa easy.........we plan on going at night!!!"

 

Jazzman

[Andre Lower]

Is there a problem to joke about lunatics here?

 

OK, one of the inmates in a mental hospital demanded to see the Institution's Director. After some insistence, his demand was granted. He entered the office, sat down, greeted the Director and cut to the chase:

- I can't stand my cell mate, you gotta move me to another cell.

- But Harry, you and Malcolm have been best buddies for so many years...what is the matter?

- Well ya know, since July he started in this new madness, believing he is a refrigerator, and I just can't stand it anymore.

- But hey, how the hell his refrigerator delusion can bother you? I thought it was harmless...

- Sure, me too. But since July I cannot enjoy a decent sleep at night and it's driving me crazy!

- Look Harry, I do not see a connection here...

- Oh don't you? Do you have a fridge at home Sir? Here's the drill: Malcolm falls asleep, relaxes, opens his mouth and the bloody light keeps shining right at my face!

 

 

Captain Blake was a brave sailor. Got his tiny Frigate lined up with a mighty Spanish 80-gunner, with little chance of living through the next minutes, and to the amazement of his crew shouted from the bridge: Bring me my red shirt!. The battle is fierce, but Captain Blakes determination and cold blood turned a certain defeat into an unbelievable victory. From this day on, his crew labeled the famous red shirt their ships lucky charm. Inquired about it by the First Mate, who was a closer friend, Captain Blake confessed the reason of his choice: In case he was wounded and was to bleed to death, he did not want his crew to realize it, so their moral would not fall and theyd keep on putting up a fight.

 

The First Mate became even prouder of his Captain. From then on, time and again Captain Blake would shout for his famous red shirt on the direst prospects of battle, thus pushing his crews moral to undefeatable heights.

 

Some months later, Captain Blake finds himself facing no less than five mighty men-of-war. The crew cant help but being a little apprehensive, and all hands look up to the bridge, anxiously waiting for their Captains now traditional battle cry. After carefully studying the enemy fleet, Captain Blake shouts to the First Mate: Mike, bring me my brown pants, on the double

[ITGITC]

An email sent to me by... a guitarist.

 

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

 

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

 

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts rebuttoning her blouse.

 

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

 

d. When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.  However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

 

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

 

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

 

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

 

i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.

 

For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"  with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.  Ever!

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

We hope this clears up any confusion.

 

International Council of Manhood

=================================

[soundscape]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

ROFLMAO!

[Andre Lower]

OK, old one, yet still good:

 

Three guys were having beer and one is bragging to the others: "My wife and I, when we have sex, it's just unbelievable: I can keep her screaming for almost a minute, non-stop!". The second guy cuts it with "nah, I beat you to it: I once managed to keep mine howling for about five minutes!". Third guy grunts, looking bored, and shoots "yeah, I reckon you guys can't hold a candle to my regular performance: When we have sex, I can keep my wife screaming for a whole week". Given the disbelief look of his two pals, the man gingerly explains: "Easy. I just clean it on the curtains..."

[Jazzed]

Originally posted by Trill:

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

 

> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

 

> uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

 

> phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde

 

> Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

 

> ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

 

> plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh

Note that it beomccs mroe auuodrs wehn the reuouiinslcsds of the vlbrcauaoy, pllrrctaauiy use of lhtgney wdors, ieeasrcns. Ceeiooshnpmrn is dieietnfy swoelr. Ioevprmd snclbmriag flmrauoe are aslo eeivtcffe. Bnmdfldueeet may eusne.

 

Strategic scrambling, long words...doesn't work as easily anymore

[K K]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts rebuttoning her blouse.

That's definitely the saddest thing I've ever read.

 

[Hardway]

Funny stuff. Thanks, gang.

 

What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

[Jazzed]

Definition of a gentleman:

Someone who knows how to play accordion...but doesn't.

 

 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

...a flat miner!

And on an army base?

...a flat major!

 

 

How do you fix a tuba?

...with a tuba glue! (I know, lame)

[Piano Nick]

What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?

 

People will cry if you chop up onions.

 

G

 

Oops sorry, I missed the one above about the oboes, but I like the sound of an oboe.

[born2die]

not so much a joke but a good laugh

 

http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/indian.htm

 

[Phred]

How do you get two oboe players to play in unison? Shoot one.

[Trill]

The dude knows all the moves

 

 

The Evolution of dance

[ITGITC]

Woo-Hoo! A fresh Blonde joke sent to me from (you guessed it) a BLONDE.

 

==========================

 

Dear Diary,

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

 

Helloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

 

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

 

Hellooooo?

 

It's been a year, I told him.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

 

He didn't call back.

 

Guess I won that stupid argument.

 

==================================

 

Is There Gas In The Car?

[Sven Golly]

Not a musical joke, but I shot milk out of my nose when I heard this one...

 

===========================================

 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

 

That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.

 

Thanks the girl says The fire-fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

 

Little Partner, the fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar too, I think you could go faster.

 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, Youre probably right, but then I wouldnt have a siren.

[linwood]

Barry White\'s famous VO

[Mr. Nightime]

Originally posted by linwood:

Barry White\'s famous VO

Now THAT'S funny

[joeyd4329]

One time a ship full of sailors landed on a cannible island. The cannibles there told them to go and find 10 of the same fruit and bring them back to them. The first guy came back with apples, the cannibles said he has to put them up his a$$ without making any facial expressions or comments. As you wouldve guessed he made a facial expression and they ate him. The second guy came with ten berries, they told him the same thing, on his 8th one he started bursting out laughing for almost no reason at all it seemed like. The cannibles ate him as usual and waited for the next new comer...

 

Up in heaven the two guys met each other and the first guy said what happened you only had to do berries? The second guy said I saw John coming with some pineapples.

 

HA...HA...

[ItsMikeE]

There is this late night bar which has become a musician's haunt as it is the only place in town to get a drink after a gig.

One night a muso turns up around 2am.

The place is empty, so he buys himself a drink and chooses a seat.

After a few minutes a second guy arrives, buys a drink and as he is walking to the seating area first guy says

"Excuse me, what IQ do you have?"

"149"

"Wow, I have an IQ of 148, you have an IQ of 149, lets talk about midi keyboards"

So the two guys start chatting.

After a while a third guy enters the bar.

Guy number 1 says

"Excuse me, what IQ do you have?"

"150"

"Wow, I have an IQ of 148, he has an IQ of 149, you have an IQ of 150, lets talk about computer to keyboard interfaces"

So the three of them start talking.

A short time later another guy enters the bar.

Once again guy number 1 says

"Excuse me what IQ do you have?"

"12"

"Really, what sticks do you use?"

[Trill]

Originally posted by Trill:

If you don't like your nieghbors fence.... http://mail.google.com/mail/?view=att&disp=emb&attid=0.1.1&th=10bd27159e124340

Grow some shrubbery to enhance the view

[Trill]

Midlife let your dog in http://www.charlotte.com/images/charlotte/charlotte/14853/220615766840.jpg

[MidLifeCrisis]

Originally posted by Trill:

Midlife let your dog in http://www.charlotte.com/images/charlotte/charlotte/14853/220615766840.jpg

 

My dogs would eat that little salamander for lunch

[Trill]

http://worldofwonder.net/image1/devo3point0.jpg

 

 

Devo?

[ITGITC]

This is a true story about my brother.

 

=====================================

 

A gas station in rural Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

 

So Billy Ray pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Billy Ray guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, but the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

 

A week later, Billy Ray and his buddy, Bubba Lea, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Billy Ray guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

 

As they were driving away, Billy Ray says "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 

Bubba Lea replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

===================================

 

[ITGITC]

True story from my friend, Jimmy...

 

====================================

 

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 

There was only one little thing bothering me.

 

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

 

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

===============================

 

Way to go, BluesKeys. That's a great story.

 

But what happened when you turned and went back in the house?

[wmp]

I dunno Tom. They're almost a little too funny to be true. But then again, you have to consider the redneck factor.

 

These are true tales from my piano tuning / moving days. And one from a family Thanksgiving gathering.

 

-------------------

 

After tuning a little console for a very nice suburban housewife, she approached me holding a paper towel rack and a screwdriver and asked, "Could you help me with this? My husband isn't very good at screwing." With a perfectly straight face I replied, "No problem, ma'am. Piano tuners are very good at screwing. We do it all the time and we're always glad to help."

 

Kept a straight face until I got to the car and laughed for the rest of the day.

 

-------------------

 

Moving my own 52" upright into my second floor apartment. Straight, long, wide staircase with a small landing in the middle. Not big enough to be useful. Just big enough to interrupt the straight shot up the stairs. PITA. When we got it to the top landing, the lady on the third floor leaned over the railing and said, "Well it certainly took you long enough to get it up. Let's see how long it takes you to get it in." It took an extra half hour, because my moving crew became incapacitated with hysterical laughter.

 

-------------------

 

My old black lab was naping on the floor. Flat on his back, spread eagled, snoring, with his tongue out on the carpet. My mom's prim and propper aunt glared at him with a sour look on her face and asked, "Does he always do that?" I said, "No. Not always, but quite often. Would you like him to stop?" "Yes, I would", she replied. So I whispered, "Gus, beer on your dick?" He sprang to his feet, gave me a dirty look and left the room.

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by wmp:

I dunno Tom. They're almost a little too funny to be true. But then again, you have to consider the redneck factor.

 

Ummmm, did I say they were TRUE?

 

I apologize about that.

[BluesKeys]

Tom, great story but I must have had a memory lapse.

 

Making jokes about me. humph

 

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll just go eat some worms.

 

 

[gangsu]

Originally posted by BluesKeys:

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll just go eat some worms.

that's a really odd meter, BluesKeys.

 

In other news, a list of Unfortunate Website Names.

 

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through.

 

1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of The agent that represents a celebrity. Their do! main name is www.whorepresents.com

 

2) 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can Exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

 

3). Looking for a pen ???? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www! .penisland.net

 

4) Need a 'therapist' ???? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

 

5). Then of course, there's the ' Italian Power Generator Company' - www.powergenitalia.com

 

6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

 

7). If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

 

8). Welcome to the First ! Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

 

9). Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

 

10). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ?????? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com

[marino]

 

Ha ha!!! Excellent! And they're real too!!

 

My favorite is the Molestation Nursery - although it seem to have changed its name by now.

 

My limited English is preventing me from getting n.7... but thanks anyway for a long, good laugh!