OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[SilverDragonSoun]

I think only us keyboardist can appreciate this true story. I'm telling my friend, a musician who is a bass player, I'm considering purchasing a Fantom. He asks me if I like the Fusion power. I go on to tell him I had issues with the Fusion and decided on the fantom. He responds dude are you stoned, the fantom is powered by the Fusion power. I responded your crazy they are two totally separate beasts. He bets me $50 they are not and I accept. He tells me he can prove it when we get to my house.(we were about 2 minutes away) We get to my house, he runs inside, gets on the computer and a few minutes later yells see I told you. Here it is for you to see. I walk over thinking there is no way and this must be some kind of gimmick. I look at the web site and the picture on it. Its a picture of a Gillete Phantom Razor with Fusion Power. I explained to him he's an idiot and that I was talking about keyboards; The Roland Fantom X and the Alesis Fusion. He gives me this blank stare and then proceeds to tell me he was right and that I still owe him $50.

 

Like two children we argue and we meet our women at a local restaurant for lunch. We ask them for their opinions after we tell them the story. They look at us with "the look" and his wife says "your are both idiots and this is the stupidist thing she has ever heard." My girlfriend chimes in and says "if you two can't play nice together you won't be able to see each other and play anymore." We looked at each other and realized we were acting like children and laughed it off. Not the end though. We walk out and as we say goodbye he tells me I still owe him $50 because he was right. The funny thing is that I think he was serious.

[marino]

Fines for keboardists....

 

- Starting a discussion (of any kind) with a bass player - $50

 

:grin:

[Legatoboy]

SilverDragonSound,

 

I look at the web site and the picture on it. Its a picture of a Gillete Phantom Razor with Fusion Power. I explained to him he's an idiot and that I was talking about keyboards;

 

SDS, This bass player, he didn't happen to look like Peter Lorre, did he?

 

 

"I THIIINK I NEEED A SHAAAVE, HEEEAA, AHHH HAAA"!

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A9gnMiOwqANGnUQAWxKjzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBsYnVxczg1BHNlYwNwcm9mBHZ0aWQDSTA2N184OQ--/SIG=12t0ktjrc/EXP=1174731312/**http%3A//www.dartmouth.edu/~germ43/resources/biographies/photos/lorre-p.jpg

 

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A9gnMiTFpwNGMpYAmFejzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBsYnVxczg1BHNlYwNwcm9mBHZ0aWQDSTA2N184OQ--/SIG=11q2fatcu/EXP=1174731077/**http%3A//www.jahsonic.com/PeterLorre.jpg

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

SilverDragonSound,

 

I look at the web site and the picture on it. Its a picture of a Gillete Phantom Razor with Fusion Power. I explained to him he's an idiot and that I was talking about keyboards;

 

SDS, This bass player, he didn't happen to look like Peter Lorre, did he?

 

 

"I THIIINK I NEEED A SHAAAVE, HEEEAA, AHHH HAAA"!

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A9gnMiOwqANGnUQAWxKjzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBsYnVxczg1BHNlYwNwcm9mBHZ0aWQDSTA2N184OQ--/SIG=12t0ktjrc/EXP=1174731312/**http%3A//www.dartmouth.edu/~germ43/resources/biographies/photos/lorre-p.jpg

 

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A9gnMiTFpwNGMpYAmFejzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBsYnVxczg1BHNlYwNwcm9mBHZ0aWQDSTA2N184OQ--/SIG=11q2fatcu/EXP=1174731077/**http%3A//www.jahsonic.com/PeterLorre.jpg

 

lb

 

 

You know now that you mention it the resemblance does make me think.

[Chris Link]

Fines for keboardists....

 

- Starting a discussion (of any kind) with a bass player - $50

 

:grin:

 

Oh, this does have potential:

 

- Use of transpose function instead of learning to play on black keys- $10 per occurence. Maximum $100 per gig.

[BluesKeys]

A group of North Carolina friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

 

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

 

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," was the reply.

 

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

 

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

 

[K K]

I'd say $10 per key played with transpose function enabled and no maximum. :grin:

[Legatoboy]

Silver Dragon,

 

You know now that you mention it the resemblance does make me think.

 

I figured as much, alot of those guys have Maltese Falcon breath too!

lb

[The Real MC]

When Bill Clinton was president, Hillary's title was First Lady.

 

If Hillary become president, what will Bill's title be...?

[ProfD]

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

 

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

 

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

 

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

 

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole.

[Legatoboy]

THE FIRSTMR.BILL? (oh no!)

lb

[ITGITC]

Poetic justice

 

Just when you think there's no justice ... A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

 

=============================================

 

"When Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "a generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)

 

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that it "looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

 

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She passed on three years ago."

 

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too. About "half" of Gertrude remained.

 

And there was this note:

 

It said, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings".

 

:grin:

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Poetic justice

 

Just when you think there's no justice ... A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

 

=============================================

 

"When Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "a generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)

 

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that it "looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

 

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She passed on three years ago."

 

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too. About "half" of Gertrude remained.

 

And there was this note:

 

It said, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings".

 

:grin:

 

 

[Mark Zeger]

At the risk of offending...

 

3 drunks are in a bar. Bartender says "Hey, guys, today is Easter. What are you doing for the holday?"

 

First drunk says "Easter is the day when the family gets together, we watch some football and have a big turkey dinner."

 

Second drunk says "No, Easter is about when Jesus was born and we exchange presents."

 

Third drunk says "No, Easter is about the time when Jesus died on the cross. And after he died, they put him in a cave. After three days, he comes out of the cave and if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter."

 

 

[kad]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

 

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

 

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

 

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

 

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

 

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

 

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

 

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

 

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

 

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

 

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

 

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was

the ugliest human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

 

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...

pregnant when you met her."

 

[Trill]

 

[font:Comic Sans MS] Jazz Mathmatics[/font]

 

 

 

1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at

which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down

his amp.

 

2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional

to # (drinks he has consumed).

 

 

3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1

chorus trading with the drummer.

 

4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally)

= Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.

 

5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....

 

6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.

 

7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by

club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for

gig).

 

8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights

among horn players to solo first).

 

9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x(Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where

x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

 

10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

 

11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.

 

12. Jam session + (quarter note rest or greater) = band on break.

 

13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York +

2(Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley

from hell.

 

14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (#number of beats per measure)

x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.

 

15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of

drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist

on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the

probability of pianist urinating in the instrument.

 

16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians

on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.

 

17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the

size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the

instrument.

 

18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz

vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among

tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

 

19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

 

20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +

prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high

society gig/Elks club gig.

 

21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive

90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in

advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor

staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for

drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on

the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the

same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good

-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you

bother practicing?

 

22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and

the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8

measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

 

23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh

chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will

attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

 

24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician,

but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has

larger genetalia?

 

25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer

sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against

the singer or against one another?

 

26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain

saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

 

[ProfD]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

 

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

 

OUR OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

 

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!!

 

Any Questions?

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!!

 

Any Questions?

 

 

Ummmmm, where are you located PD?

 

Kidding, just kidding. :grin: (I kid the ProfD man.)

 

 

Tom

 

PS I heard it said that drilling for oil is boring.

 

Yeah. That was lame.

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Tax Deadline Reminder:

 

Don't forget to pay your taxes......

21 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

[ITGITC]

 

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

 

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

 

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

 

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

 

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

 

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

 

16. You take naps.

 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

 

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

 

Bonus:

 

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

 

--------------------

 

Sorry if this hits close to home for some of you.

 

[The Real MC]

http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Proof_that_Girls_are_Evil.jpg

[Griffinator]

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

 

Whew!!!!!

 

5 and 6 don't apply to me! Guess I'm safe for a little while longer....

[Griffinator]

I went through all the trouble of typing that, and now it shows up.

[Griffinator]

http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Proof_that_Girls_are_Evil.jpg

[ProfD]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

 

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

 

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

 

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

 

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

 

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 

You got Male

 

[K K]

Woohoo, I haven't grown up either, since #20 doesn't apply to me.

[BluesKeys]

 

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

 

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

 

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

 

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

 

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

 

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

 

16. You take naps.

 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

 

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

 

Bonus:

 

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

 

--------------------

 

Sorry if this hits close to home for some of you.

 

1. Looking at 2 dead ones... can't smoke either mmm

 

2. I have no problems with 2.

 

3. Let me count.... more beer at the moment.

 

4. I do go to sleep earlier, but 4 am is close.

 

5. Try not to ride elevators... but this one is possible. DARN

 

6. Don't have cable

 

7. Yea well I got OLD Friends like .....

 

8. I'm always on vacation.... :grin:

 

9. Jeans and a silk shirt does though

 

10. Haven't done it yet because they invite me over....

 

Alright I'll quit.... but I live by the fact that I chose to be a musician.

 

[The Real MC]

http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Proof_that_Girls_are_Evil.jpg

 

Let's try again

 

http://www.sleekness.co.uk/uploads/proof.jpg

[K K]

I like the way you think. :grin:

[SilverDragonSoun]

http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Proof_that_Girls_are_Evil.jpg

 

Let's try again

 

http://www.sleekness.co.uk/uploads/proof.jpg

 

 

No surprise. I always suspected their was a mathematical forumla to prove it.