OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[ITGITC]

:grin:

 

Swear Jar...

 

YOU TUBE VIDEO

 

ITGITC?

 

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

:grin:

 

Swear Jar...

 

Windows Media Player Video.

 

KLONK HERE.

 

ITGITC?

 

 

 

 

 

Man that what (beep) funny. I laughed my (beep) (beep) off. You guys are all (beep). Tom thanks for (beep) sharing that you (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) :grin:

[ITGITC]

 

This one's even funnier. :grin:

 

Mr. Silent Gas Passer

 

 

 

 

 

 

[delirium]

http://www.frenchfriends.info/files/funny_soccer.jpg

[SilverDragonSoun]

This one's even funnier. :grin:

 

Mr. Silent Gas Passer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I may have been guilty of this maybe once or twice in my life at most. Seriously only once or twice I tell you. Ok maybe 3-4 times top this year but that's as far as I'm going. :grin:

[SilverDragonSoun]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

>Usually she slept through the class.

>

> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

>"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

>

> When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

>sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

>

> "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

> The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

>

> A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and

>Savior?"

>

> But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

> Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the

>butt.

>

> "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

>"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

>

> The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after

>she had her twenty-third child?"

> Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

>

>

> This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn

>thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

>

> The nun fainted...........

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Its Saturday night and your primed to score with a lovely woman, or are you?

 

Take the Test!

[ITGITC]

 

Friday Humor...

 

Lewis Black Video on Conan

 

Great video if, like me, you enjoy the comedy of Lewis Black.

 

I never knew he took six years of piano and wanted to be in a Polka Band. :grin:

 

Happy Friday.

 

ITGITC?

 

 

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

It appears Mr. Vick was stagin cat fights in addition to dog fights in his backyard. http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/Scared.gif

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/500746/cheerleader_cat_fight/

[BluesKeys]

I am sure most everyone has seen something similar or maybe this exact post. Heck it's been so long since this thread was started it may even be here. But I ran across it tonight and laughed my arse off again... so without further Ado...

-------------------------------------------

 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high

school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely

in our jobs.

 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it

be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by

maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had

an accident.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last..................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[delirium]

LOL :grin:

I loved those since I'm flying a little too.

Especially this one "Evidence removed" and and this:

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

[delirium]

hour later and still laughing :grin:

 

from this one:

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

[BluesKeys]

d, the one that gets me every time:

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

best one for the forum

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

 

 

please don't give the midget a hammer

 

[K K]

Hahahahaha, really funny one, thanks BluesKeys. :grin:

 

My favorites are :

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

[ITGITC]

http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/bto/20070605/abductionlamp_270x270.jpg

 

Sheep?

 

They're next.

 

All the programmer-types around the workplace want one of these for Father's day (or whatever's next).

 

KLONK HERE

 

ITGITC?

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/bto/20070605/abductionlamp_270x270.jpg

 

Sheep?

 

They're next.

 

 

Hate to break the news to you, but what do you think those shadowy figures in the spacecraft are?

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/sheepcommand.gif

[MidLifeCrisis]

All you football and Peyton Manning fans (and non-fans) got to check this video out.

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/peyton.wmv

 

[Chris Link]

All you football and Peyton Manning fans (and non-fans) got to check this video out.

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/peyton.wmv

 

That is too funny. I'm amazed Manning actually went along with it. Is it from SNL? Looks like something they would do with a guest host.

[SilverDragonSoun]

All you football and Peyton Manning fans (and non-fans) got to check this video out.

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/peyton.wmv

 

 

That was freaking hilarious! :grin:

[gangsu]

10 Ways To Make GarageBand More Like A Garage Band

 

10. When you launched Garageband, the room would fill with nasty cigarette smoke.

 

9. When you were trying to choose a keyboard sound, the drum loops would get bored and leave for a cig break.

 

8. When you launched the program, the guitar loops wouldn't be there yet - they'd be late.

 

7. Using guitar loops too much would result in breaking a string.

 

6. After a while, the drum loops would go out of tune.

 

5. Bringing up the Rhodes instrument would require first lifting 100 pounds.

 

4. While playing a song, each instrument would gradually turn itself up.

 

3. The drum loops would complain when you play too many slow songs in a row.

 

2. The bass loops would eventually leave the program entirely, because they want to spend more time with their girlfriends.

 

1. The entire program would be nonfunctional within a year, as the remaining instruments will leave and go to college.

 

Hmm...maybe GarageBand is good just the way it is.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

GARAGEBAND 2: THE MISSING MANUAL :grin:

[BluesKeys]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a

big "everything

under one roof" department store looking for a job.

 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yah. I vass a salesman beck in Norda Dakota."

 

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the

store

was locked up, the boss came down.

 

"How many customers bought something from you today?

 

The kid says "one".

 

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a

day. How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says "$121,237.65".

 

The boss say s "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

 

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a

medium

fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where

he was

going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going

to need

a boat, and we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin

engine

Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it,

so I

took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4

Expedition."

 

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him

a BOAT

and a TRUCK?"

 

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,

and I

said,

 

"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was

squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She

went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and

whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and h e was quite

itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do ab out it.

He did it and returned to his class.

 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with

his weenie hanging out.

 

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

 

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till

noon , she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

KIDS -- DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM?

 

[ITGITC]

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

 

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,

 

"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing"

 

:grin:

 

Too funny.

 

So, should we feel sorry for Paris Hilton?

 

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaah, let's make some money instead.

 

Here's the Paris Hilton in Jail - video parody on YouTube.

 

Klonk here for video

 

Bless her heart.

 

 

 

[MyOwnWay]

Canadian Questions

 

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

 

Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious; but sadly the questions were really asked.

 

 

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

 

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

 

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we will send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

 

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Legatoboy]

NUN HOOKERS

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign

out of the corner of his eye.

 

It reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

 

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second

thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

 

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a

third sign saying:

 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far

side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door

reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

 

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a

long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

 

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in

possibly doing business....'

 

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding

passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and

tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

 

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door

 

... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the

large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the

door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in

the parking lot facing another sign:

 

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

 

SERVES

YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

And keeping with the religious tone....

 

 

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely so, God asked him what was wrong with him. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God listened and said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be called woman.

 

God told him that "This pretty lady will gather the food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will never nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong and when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER, ever have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it or want it."

 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?"

 

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

 

Then Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" And, of course, the rest is history.

[ITGITC]

 

 

Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and throughout the 60's?

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/CG1.jpg

 

 

 

Well, she's all grown up now, and she's living in Sarasota, Florida at Siesta Key Beach.

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/CG2.jpg

 

ITGITC?

 

[Legatoboy]

SDS,

 

Then Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" And, of course, the rest is history

 

Now that's what I call haggling!!

lb :grin:

[MidLifeCrisis]

 

 

Well, she's all grown up now, and she's living in Sarasota, Florida at Siesta Key Beach.

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/eck15.gif

 

[Legatoboy]

ANGER MANAGEMENT

 

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

 

 

WIFE: I clean the toilet....

 

HUSBAND: How does that help ?

 

WIFE: I use your toothbrush!