OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[stepay]

Woman gets on a bus with her newborn baby.

 

Bus driver says, "Lady, that is one ugly baby!"

 

Kind of shocked by it all, she doesn't say anything to him, pays her money and heads to the back of the bus where she takes a seat.

 

The man sitting next to her sees that she is becoming increasingly agitated, and so he asks her what the matter is.

 

"That bus driver said a very rude and insulting thing to me just now. I can't believe he said that, and I'd like to give him a piece of my mind!"

 

Man - "Well, you should. He shouldn't be rude to you. You go up there and give him a piece of your mind...I'll watch your monkey for you."

[SilverDragonSoun]

Some Friday morning humor

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is

The difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered:

 

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a

Million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a

Million dollars",

And then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a

Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The

Mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix

Up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep

With Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep

With him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! And ! Asked, "Would you

Sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied "Do you know how much a

Million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to

His dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

Potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on

Three million dollars.............. But realistically,...... We're living

With two sluts and a queer"

[ITGITC]

First Christmas joke of the Season.

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carol's. "

 

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

 

 

Merry Christmas my forum friends.

 

And for those who celebrate a different holiday, Happy Holidays to ya.

 

Is There Gas in the Car?

[ITGITC]

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/untitled.jpg

 

 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

 

While they were there, his ever-nagging wife passed away.

 

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

 

The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would just have her shipped home.

 

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?"

 

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...

 

I just can't take that chance.

 

 

Happy Holidays.

[Legatoboy]

A-Rum-Pum-Pum-Rimshot/Crash,

 

An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

 

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

 

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

A Christmas Story

 

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was ticked.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my butt for nearly a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady complains cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and chased all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those jerks from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are like drunks

They want the impossible--Those mean little punks.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my butt and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[SilverDragonSoun]

The night before Chreemas, on Thorsday I theenk,

I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.

I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,

Preety damn queek, I fall on my ass.

 

I peek myself up and go home to bed,

I pool the cobija up ober my head.

Early next morning, or late een the night,

I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

 

I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,

My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.

I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,

A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

 

I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,

He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.

I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat ass,

Your chivos--they chit on my grass!"

 

He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,

And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.

They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,

He land that damn sled on top of my house.

 

They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,

I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.

I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,

"What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here...

 

No door, no weendow, nothing but air,

How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"

Then right away theze Rodriquez see---

 

He gon get heemself something for free.

 

So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senior,

Do come on down and use the front door."

So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,

He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

 

He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,

And start pooling out comida galore.

He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,

He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

 

He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,

I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!

I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,

Theze chore as hell beats unemployment sheck."

 

So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,

And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.

He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,

"Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

 

That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,

Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.

At last he get them to chom een the sky,

And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

 

He going away and the last theeng I heeer,

"IF YOU VOTE FOR THEM PUBLEECANS, I BE BACK NEXT YEAR!"

[MidLifeCrisis]

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."

 

He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.

 

After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. The man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Originally posted by MidLifeCrisis:

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."

 

He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.

 

After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. The man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

I wonder if Tom would consider this joke in good taste....

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by Silver Dragon Sound:

 

I wonder if Tom would consider this joke in good taste....

 

I've never heard (herd) of such a thing as this.

 

I like sheep for their easy-going view of the world and their good-natured attitude... ummmmmmm, and their sweaters.

 

If sheep drank beer, I'm certain that on a given Friday afternoon the whole herd and I would be at the corner pub enjoying a few pitchers.

 

Good people, those sheep.

[Gismo Recording]

What do you say to a rapper wearing a suit and tie?

 

Will the defendant please rise.

[ITGITC]

Just got this email from a friend.

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

 

Is There Gas in the Car?

[Darren Landrum]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I'd heard this one as:

 

Why is it a single cigarette butt can start a forest fire, but I can't start my hibachi with a gallon of gasoline?

[linwood]

[Phred]

Originally posted by linwood:

Is this thing on???

[ITGITC]

My Dad is 90 years old.

 

It warms my heart that he's kept his sense of humor all these years. He just sent me this joke via email.

 

-----------------

 

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

 

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

 

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

 

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

 

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

 

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY..." STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

 

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

 

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

 

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

 

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

 

TRUE STORY.

 

--------------------------

 

Thanks Dad.

[ProfD]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

 

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

 

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed and turn down the lights.

 

These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.

 

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

 

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

 

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?

 

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

 

His friend says, "could be worse-I think mine was a witch."

 

"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

 

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little love bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

[SpaceNorman]

A blonde and a brunette are riding alone on the elavator that stops and a handsome young man gets in. As the elevator continues up - both women can't help but notice the poor guy has a real dandruff problem. The elevator stops and the man exists. As the women continue on their way alone - the brunette says, "You'd think somebody would have given him some Head & Shoulders! The blonde thinks for a second and asks, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

The SpaceNorman

[K K]

Foolish man gives wife grand piano, real man gives wife upright organ.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Originally posted by Cydonia:

Foolish man gives wife grand piano, real man gives wife upright organ.

I love these! I was sent an email with quite a few of them.

[K K]

I think I read this one in a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Nursery Rhymes

 

Mary had a little pig,

>>She kept it fat and plastered;

>>And when the price of pork went up,

>>She shot the little bastard.

>>

>>MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

>>Her father shot it dead.

>>Now it goes to school with her,

>>Between two hunks of bread.

>>

>>JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

>>To have a little fun.

>>Stupid Jill forgot the pill

>>And now they have a son.

>>

>>SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

>>Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

>>"What have you got there?"

>>Said the Pie man unto Simon,

>>"Pies, you dumb ass!"

>>

>>HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall

>>Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

>>All the kings'horses

>>And all the kings'men

>>Had scrambled eggs

>>For breakfast again

>>

>>HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

>>All over the bedside clock.

>>The little dog laughed to see such fun.

>>Then died of electric shock.

>>

>>GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

>>Kissed the girls and made them cry.

>>And when the boys

>>came out to play,

>>He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

>>

>>There was a little girl who had a little curl

>>Right in the middle of her forehead.

>>When she was good, she was very, very good.

>>But when she was bad.......

>>She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

>>

>>Little Miss Muffet,

>>Sat on a Tuffet,

>>Eating her Curds and Whey,

>>Along Came a Spider,

>>And sat down beside her,

>>And said "Whatcha doin',Bitch?"

>>

>>Little Jack Horner,

>>Sat in a corner,

>>Eating his Christmas Pie.

>>He stuck in his thumb,

>>And pulled out a plumb,

>>And said "What the f*@# is this?"

[SilverDragonSoun]

Redneck pick up lines

 

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

>

> 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

>

> 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

>

> 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

>

> 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

>

> 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

>

> 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light

> switch away.

>

> 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say

> something that would break the ice."

>

> 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

>

> 10) I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into

> this cheap motel room.

>

> 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

>

> 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the

> afternoon.

>

> And.... the best for last!

>

> 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts

> tighten up.

[SilverDragonSoun]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I

> want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,

> he

> had the right credentials.

> The agent asked, "What's your name?"

> The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

> The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

> Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

> "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will

> not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

> The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will

> NEVER

> go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,

> you

> will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

> "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he

> left the agent's office.

> FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

> Inside

> the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck,

> who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

> "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an

> actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to

> make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never

> make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your

> office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to

> change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed

> with another agent. I would never have made it

> without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my

> appreciation.

> Thank you for your advice..

> Sincerely,

> Dick Van Dyke

[SilverDragonSoun]

3 minute management course

 

Lesson One!

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth

night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid

there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Management Lesson :

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

This ends the three minute management course.

[SilverDragonSoun]

George Carlin isms

 

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little

bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

 

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

 

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the

Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the

Tennessee Titans ?

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one

enjoys it?

 

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the

Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

 

 

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,

does he become disoriented?

 

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?

 

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

 

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

6 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put

your two cents in .. . what happens to the other penny?

 

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale

bread to begin with?

 

10 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person

who drives a race car not called a racist?

 

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

 

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English

language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

 

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners

depressed?

 

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot

more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their

final exam.

 

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?

Toothpicks?

 

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What

are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their

pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while

they deliver the mail?

 

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are

the others here for?

 

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

[SilverDragonSoun]

And lastly to give you a nice laugh before the weekend here is Anger Management.

 

ANGER MANAGEMENT

>

> When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

> take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it

> out on someone you don't know.

> It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered

> a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

> A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris.

> May I please speak with Robin Carter? " Suddenly, the phone was slammed

> down on me.

> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

> I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had

> transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and

> hung up.

> I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it

in

> my desk drawer.

> Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad

> day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me

> up.

> When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'

> calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this

> is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see

> if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and

> slammed the phone down.

> I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

> spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

> patiently waited for.

> I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The

idiot

> ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote

down

> his number.

> A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, ( I had

> his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,

> too.

> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

> "Yes, it is."

> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the

> car's parked right out in front."

> "What's your name?" I asked.

> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

> "I'm home every evening after five."

> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

> "Yes?"

> "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my

> speed dial, too.

> Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

> But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as

> it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

> I called Asshole #1.

> "Hello."

> "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

> "Are you still there?" he asked.

> "Yeah," I said.

> "Stop calling me," he screamed.

> "Make me," I said.

> "Who are you?" he asked.

> "My name is Don Hansen."

> "Yeah? Where do you live?"

> "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my

> black Beamer parked in front."

> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

> saying your prayers."

> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

> Then I called Asshole #2.

> "Hello?" he said.

> "Hello, asshole," I said.

> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

> "You'll what?" I said.

> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

> I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

> now."

> Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

> at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill

> my gay lover.

> Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West

> 34th Street.

> I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

> There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of

> six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

>

> NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

[linwood]

http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders

[MidLifeCrisis]

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/talibansingles.gif

[SilverDragonSoun]

Steve,

 

Do you have the address of this site. That R U A terrorist with a heart living in a cave is just kickin and I got get me some of that.