OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[MidLifeCrisis]

No surprise. I always suspected their was a mathematical forumla to prove it.

 

But how do we prove that the real problem with women is that they have all the http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/cattrim2.jpg ?

[ITGITC]

But how do we prove that the real problem with women is that they have all the ?

 

 

Ummmmmm, shaved cats?

 

:grin:

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

Go to google.com.

 

2. Click on Maps.

 

3. Click on Get Directions.

 

4. From: New York, New York.

 

5. To: Paris, France.

 

6. Then, read line #23.

 

7. Laugh.

 

8. Repost.

 

[Trill]

No surprise. I always suspected their was a mathematical forumla to prove it.

 

But how do we prove that the real problem with women is that they have all the http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/cattrim2.jpg ?

 

Some brave soul actually shaved that cat I tried to give my cat a pill and nearly got shredded.

[kad]

Go to google.com.

 

2. Click on Maps.

 

3. Click on Get Directions.

 

4. From: New York, New York.

 

5. To: Paris, France.

 

6. Then, read line #23.

 

7. Laugh.

 

8. Repost.

 

My daughter showed me that yesterday - totally hilarious!

[Mr. Nightime]

Now That's funny

 

[Mr. Nightime]

No surprise. I always suspected their was a mathematical forumla to prove it.

 

But how do we prove that the real problem with women is that they have all the http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/cattrim2.jpg ?

 

Some brave soul actually shaved that cat I tried to give my cat a pill and nearly got shredded.

 

The cat looks like it's just waiting for someone to come near it so it can shred them. I'll stay away, thank you.

[K K]

Yep, it doesn't look happy.

[The Real MC]

The story behind the cat:

 

A lady moved from Texas to the midwest. She took her cat to a shop for a trim and asked for a line cut. When she got the cat back, she was flabbergasted. The lady who did the work misheard her accent as "lion" cut.

 

I've never seen such a pissy look on a cat...

[SilverDragonSoun]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

 

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

 

The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

 

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice c ream.

Which one is married?"

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

 

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

 

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

 

 

 

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

 

"Why?" asks the father?

 

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

 

"But that's right!" says his dad.

 

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

 

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

 

"That's what I said!"

 

 

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

 

 

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

 

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

 

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

 

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

 

 

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

 

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

 

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

 

 

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

 

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

 

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

 

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

 

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

 

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

 

 

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

 

 

 

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It w ill give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

 

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

 

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business

[SilverDragonSoun]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,

"What are you doing?"

 

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid

$400 for doing what I do for you for free."

 

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her

husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he

replies, "I'm going to Vegas too.

 

I want to see you live on $800 a year."

[SilverDragonSoun]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a

good time.

 

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

 

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

 

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for

some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

 

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I

want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in

Africa dies."

 

A voice from the front of the audience yells out....

 

"Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

 

 

You Got To Love the Irish!

 

[K K]

Hahahaha I loved the last one. :grin:

[delirium]

:grin: yeah, Irish are funny guys :grin:

[wmp]

Little Tony remind me of a lot of folks I know, especially one kid.

 

At age 11 or 12, we were standing around the street corner looking tough one day when a lady stopped here car and asked him, "Does your mother know you smoke?" He gave her a mean look, took a drag, flicked his butt away and said, "Not that it's any of your ****ing business, but yeah, she does. Does your husband know you talk to strange men?"

[K K]

A guy go see his doctor.

 

Doc - "I've got some bad news and some horrible news."

 

Guy - "What's the bad news?"

 

Doc - "You have a horrible form of cancer, there's no treatment and you have only one day to live."

 

Guy - "Oh my God! What's the horrible news?"

 

Doc - "I tried to call you yesterday..."

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

1970 : Long hair - 2007 : Longing for hair

 

1970: KEG - 2007: EKG

 

1970 : Acid rock - 2007: Acid reflux

 

1970 : Moving to California because it's cool - 2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm

 

1970 : Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor - 2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

 

1970 : Seeds and stems - 2007: Roughage

 

1970 : Hoping for a BMW - 2007: Hoping for a BM

 

1970 : Going to a new, hip joint -

2007: Receiving a new hip joint

 

1970 : Rolling Stones - 2007: Kidney Stones

 

1970 : Being called into the principal's office - 2007 : Calling the principal's office

 

1970 : Screw the system - 2007: Upgrade the system

 

1970 : Disco - 2007: Costco

 

1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut - 2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

 

1970 : Passing the drivers' test -2007: Passing the vision test

 

1970 : Whatever - 2007 : Depends

 

[wmp]

I'm still having trouble with the Little Tony jokes. They're hard to tell without cracking up. Too funny. Got any more?

 

Good stuff in this thread. I really needed a laugh.

 

Thanks.

[Gismo Recording]

You for got one:

1970: Killer weed - 2007: Weed killer.

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

This may have been posted previously.

 

I don't care. It's still pretty good...

 

=============================

 

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

 

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

 

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

 

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

 

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

 

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

 

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

 

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

 

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

 

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

 

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS.GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY:

 

SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

 

 

TRUE STORY.

 

 

 

[delirium]

http://imagebank.ipcmedia.com/imageBank/s/shaved%20cat.jpg

 

disclaimer: this is not my cat :grin:

 

 

[Chris Link]

From snopes.com

 

Claim: Immediately after Neil Armstrong uttered his famous "That's one small step for man . . ." quote during the historic first moon landing, he added the cryptic phrase, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!" Not until over twenty-five years later did Armstrong reveal that Mr. Gorsky was a former neighbor, whose wife had proclaimed that she would give him oral sex "when the kid next door walks on the moon."

Status: False.

 

Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1995]

 

 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

 

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

Variations: Sometimes the story is told with Armstrong uttering, "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for Manny Klein," with the unfortunate Mr. Klein having received the same response from his wife as Mr. Gorsky had from his.

 

Origins: This legend, seemingly an obvious joke, began circulating on the Internet in mid-1995 and was picked up by the media a few months later. The inclusion of specific details (e.g., the name of Armstrong's neighbor, the date of the press conference on which he revealed the meaning of his remark) apparently led some to believe the farcical story might have some truth to it.

 

At its most basic level, this tale is a humorous anecdote that plays on the stereotypical portrayal of Jewish wives as reluctant to engage in recreational sex (and especially oral sex). In variant forms of this legend the last name of Neil Armstrong's neighbor is different, but the name used is always a "Jewish-sounding" one, such as Gorsky, Seligman, Schultz, or Klein; the unusual word order employed by the wife in her refusal ("Oral sex you want?") is also a stereotypical speech pattern attributed to Jews. On another level, this legend can be seen as an attempt to humanize a cultural hero by associating him with a story that is both humorous and racy: Neil Armstrong, the world-famous astronaut, is made to seem like a "regular" guy.

 

Any doubts about the veracity of this legend are laid to rest by the NASA transcripts of the Apollo 11 mission, which record no such statement having been made by Armstrong. Armstrong himself said in late 1995 that he first heard the anecdote delivered as a joke by comedian Buddy Hackett in California.

 

And yes, we know that's a picture of Buzz Aldrin.

 

Sightings: When the space shuttle Columbia crew completed a repair mission on the Hubble Space Telescope in March 2002, chief repairman John Grunsfeld called out (in homage to this legend) "Good luck, Mr. Hubble" as the telescope drifted off.

 

Last updated: 14 March 2002

[SilverDragonSoun]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and

I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided

to get married.

 

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it

was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would

regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always

got more than a pleasant view. It had to be

deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone

else.

 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come

over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone

when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had

feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome.

 

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just

once before I got married and committed my life to her

sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get

me."

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off

her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I

stood there for a moment, then turned and made a

beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,

and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law

hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have

passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car...

 

 

[delirium]

http://images.deepbox.com/media/funny_pictures/c52f1bd66cc19d05628bd8bf27af3ad6.jpg

[SilverDragonSoun]

 

 

 

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

 

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling himevery 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Last week at a new restaurant, I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

 

As luck would have it, just a short time later, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he said. I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

 

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right here?"

 

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. " Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the rest room."

 

"How so?"

 

"See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

 

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

 

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[wmp]

A redhead goes to the doctor and tells him, "I just don't know what's wrong with me. I hurt everwhere."

 

She touches her forehead, her elbow, and her knee, and grimaces each time.

 

The doctor says, "You're really a blonde, aren't you?"

 

Yes! How did you know?

 

Your finger is broken.

 

[K K]

http://www.cssasuzuki.ca/funpages/MusicChart.jpg

[SilverDragonSoun]

http://www.cssasuzuki.ca/funpages/MusicChart.jpg

 

 

That is classic!! :grin: