OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[delirium]

ok, I've been playing music far too long,

because I was thinking few minutes what was funny here...

:grin:

[K K]

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/joke1.gif

[K K]

http://www.maxbass.com/images/Faeries-Aire-and-Death-Waltz.GIF

[SilverDragonSoun]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs

to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to

ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,

What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't

work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite

chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being

a hooker?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant replies,.... "Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Some racial groups included in this joke. It's meant to be funny and not racist in any way.

 

 

 

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a

construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian

guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect

you guys to make a dent in that there pile".

So, the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns,

the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese

afella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa

disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I

thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself

a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,

boot ah couldnayfin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of

sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy jumps

out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

"SUPPLIES!"

 

[Chris Link]

A Chinese fellow is making his first trip abroad and is in California. He stops at a bank to exchange some Chinese currency for dollars. The teller counts out his money. After a few days, he is need of more cash and returns to the bank. This time he is given a slightly different lesser amount of dollars.

 

"Wait", he says angrily, "last time I got more than fifty dollars. You trying to cheat me!"

 

The teller explains that the exchange rate has changed and that the same amount of Chinese money is now only worth $49, but the Chinese man continues to loudly complain. The teller is attempting in vain to explain the reason.

 

"Well, you see, the currencies' value changes from day to day and I look up the rate for today. You know... the exchange rate. Umm, what's the word, you know... flucuation"

 

The Chinese man now looks really angry. "Flucuation? Flucuation? Well, I say Fluck you Amelican!"

 

 

[shadowcompany]

Just read a few pages of this thread. There is some really funny stuff on this thread.

[delirium]

http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k172/ciubi/f/funny0175.jpg

[MidLifeCrisis]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

 

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to

Thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

 

 

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida

On Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a

Computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading

The first message, she screamed and fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on

The floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: January 13, 2007

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have

Computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

 

 

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

 

Your loving husband,

 

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

DOG DIARY:

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

 

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

 

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

 

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

 

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

 

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

 

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

 

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

 

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

 

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

 

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

 

CAT DIARY:

 

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B@st@rds!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

 

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

 

For now...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

CAT DIARY:

 

 

That was too freaking funny. I laughed out loud for 10 minutes.

[ITGITC]

 

 

 

Coworkers send me this stuff...

 

DID YOU KNOW THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX IN A WEEK WILL REFLECT YOUR AGE?

 

1. First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex (more than once but less than 10).

 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

 

3. Add 5.

 

4. Multiply this by 50.

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757. If you haven't, add 1756.

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

You should have a three digit number.

 

The first digit of this is your original number - THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX IN A WEEK.

 

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE.

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

 

 

 

 

I probably shouldn't have posted this. It'll keep a few of you busy for hours trying to figure out how it works.

 

Hi gangsu. :grin:

 

 

[K K]

Why less than 10 times a week though? :grin:

[Gismo Recording]

 

 

Coworkers send me this stuff...

 

DID YOU KNOW THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX IN A WEEK WILL REFLECT YOUR AGE?

 

1. First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex (more than once but less than 10).

 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

 

3. Add 5.

 

4. Multiply this by 50.

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757. If you haven't, add 1756.

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

You should have a three digit number.

 

The first digit of this is your original number - THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX IN A WEEK.

 

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE.

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

 

 

 

 

I probably shouldn't have posted this. It'll keep a few of you busy for hours trying to figure out how it works.

 

Hi gangsu. :grin:

 

It will work in 2008 by adding 1 to the numbers used in step 5. Or change step 5 to: Add the four digit year when your next birthday will occur then subtract 251.

[ITGITC]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."

 

:grin:

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

For gangsu:

 

A blonde bought two horses but could never remember which was which.

 

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse. That worked great until the other horse got it's tail stuck in a bush. It tore just right & looked just like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

 

The neighbor then suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse got its ear caught in the barbed wire fence. Once again the blonde couldn't tell them apart.

 

The neighbor finally suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did she was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the the black horse.

 

 

 

:grin:

 

Hi Sue.

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

 

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

 

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

 

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

 

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

 

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

 

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

 

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

 

"Okay, Daddy!"

 

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

 

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

 

"And what happened?"

 

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now she's dead."

 

"Oh my God... And what about uncle Frank?"

 

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

 

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?"...

 

"Is this 634-5789?"

 

:grin:

 

 

 

 

[BluesKeys]

"Is this 634-5789?"

 

:grin:

 

 

That's my number. So if you need......

[MidLifeCrisis]

Blondeback Mountain...

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to

safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

 

[gangsu]

[ITGITC]

 

gangsu you look confused.

 

OK to add to the confusion, I'll post just one more.

 

I promise, this will be the last joke I post...

 

this morning.

 

 

 

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

 

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

 

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

 

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that.

 

#1, you have to be single, and #2 you must be Catholic."

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

 

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

 

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

 

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

 

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

That was a good one Tom!

[ITGITC]

 

 

:grin:

 

Before I tell you this story I want to make sure that you all understand that I have a license to tell REDNECK jokes applied for and issued by the the great state of North Carolina because I AM American by birth and Southern by the grace of God. :grin: BluesKeys can vouch for my authenticity because he was raised here too and my cousin dated his sister before he realized that she was actually his brother by a previous marriage.

 

Being born and raised in Eastern North Carolina in a one-room house... (Actually, we had two rooms. The other room wasn't attached to the house and it had a half-moon on the door... but that didn't matter because in the winter we had the slop jars.) Anyway, the house was converted from an old church located down a dirt road just off Highway 64, directly between huge fields of golden tobacco and sun-dried cotton.

 

Here in the eastern part of the state we believe that there is only ONE recipe for barbecue and that is pork cooked slowly over hickory coals, then pulled from the pig, chopped, and seasoned with a unique and often very secret vinegar-based sauce. Now people on the other side of our state will vehemently disagree, since they think that tomato sauce makes for a tastier 'Q', but other than that small flaw, I'm certain they are fine folks. Klonk for BBQ info.

 

Where I'm from, you don't have to look hard to find someone who received a jar of moonshine as a present last Christmas. Plus, I've been told the local weed tastes like pinestraw. Of course, I wouldn't know.

 

Nevertheless, here in North Carolina we are usually named after a relative or two. Most of the times it is two; hence Jim-Bob, Billy-Bob, Joe-Bob, Tom-Henry, etc.

 

I had a friend who was one of ten children named Bob. At the end of a long summer's day he and his brothers would all be playing ball in the back yard. All his mother would have to do to call them to supper was to step out on the back stoop and yell "BOB, y'all come on to supper now!" They'd all come a-runnin'.

 

A traveling salesman down from Baltimore saw her do this one evening and asked her, he said, "Ma'am you've got a wonderful brood of fine young men there, but I'm curious, if they're all named 'Bob', then when you need to call just one of the boys, how do you address them?"

 

And without even a second of contemplation she replied, "Well, I just call 'em by their LAST NAME." :grin:

 

Yeah.

 

 

But that's not what I wanted to tell you.

 

Now this is a TRUE STORY.

 

Well, OK, except for the couple of parts that I couldn't quite remember and had to make up, it's a TRUE STORY.

 

 

 

This happened to me a few weeks ago on the plane heading down to Orlando.

 

I boarded the airplane and took my seat. And as I settled in, I glanced up and saw an extremely beautiful woman boarding the plane.

 

It didn't take me long to realize that she was heading straight towards my seat.

 

Well, lo and behold, she took the seat right beside mine.

 

After I wiped the drool from my jaw I couldn't help but strike up a conversation, (did I mention that she was absolutely beautiful... ) Anyway, I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

 

She turned to me and smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Orlando."

 

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman in the whole wide world and she was sitting right next to me on the plane down to Orlando and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs?!?

 

I struggled to maintain my composure. Knowing that it would have been a big mistake to stand up and walk down the aisle at that particular time (if you knows what I means) , I calmly asked her , "What's your business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 

"Really, " I said, "and just what myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained as she gently adjusted her skirt in order to cross her legs... "One popular myth is that American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

 

"Oh, is that right?", I said as I took out my pen and pad to take notes.

 

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent."

 

"OK". (I couldn't believe that she had done such thorough research and was quite impressed. Here was a woman that not only had exquisite beauty, but encyclopedic knowledge... Wowza!)

 

"We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

 

Suddenly, the beautiful woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

 

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. Why, I don't even know your name."

 

Guys, I had to think fast on my feet which wasn't easy because everything from my waist on down was as swollen as Rosie on the way back from an all-you-can-eat binge at the Dairy Queen wearing last season's halter top and hip-huggers.

 

But finally I couldn't wait any longer and I blurted out the truth.

 

 

"My name... my name? ...Why it's Tonto, I said, Tonto Goldstein.

 

But my friends call me Bubba."

 

 

:grin:

 

It's the TRUTH I tell ya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[delirium]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/body%20and%20head.jpg

[kanker.]

Just found this on another forum

 

 

 

Letter from a professional guitar player to the "Dear Abby" help column in

a newspaper.

 

Dear Abby...

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as

you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things

happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps

outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I

ask her who called she gets evasive.

 

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting

dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.

I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got

very angry.

 

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and

some guy have been to his gigs.

He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find

out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use

my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes

into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed.

 

Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack

to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the

amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I

noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3.

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a

technician?

 

Thanks

Very Concerned.

[SilverDragonSoun]

What, I don't get it? Shouldn't you know if you can fix your own amp or not? :grin:

[ITGITC]

 

 

 

How to call the Police WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

 

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about now cause I've just shot them all."

 

Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

(True Story)

 

:grin:

 

 

 

[Legatoboy]

Bird and Bush!

 

http://www.gizmodo.com/images/bushfinger.jpg

lb

[synthasizer]

Bird and Bush!

 

http://www.gizmodo.com/images/bushfinger.jpg

lb

 

 

Well that sums up things pretty nicely. :grin:

[Legatoboy]

Origins of the Bird, even Bush's. . .

 

http://www.gizmodo.com/images/bushfinger.jpg ]

 

Pluck You . . .!

 

 

lb