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MidLifeCrisis

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About MidLifeCrisis

  • Birthday 08/11/1957

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  • homepage
    http://www.rock-xtreme.com
  • occupation
    Software Engineer
  • hobbies
    Weekend Warrior - Classic Rock
  • Location
    Tampa, Fl

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  1. While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules..' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was agolf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .. Today you voted.'
  2. We are in trouble.. The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.. And there you are, Sitting on your ***, At your computer, reading jokes.. Nice. Real nice.
  3. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
  4. George Bush is in the Oval Office and hes reading his daily briefing report. Much of the report deals with the war in Iraq and finishes with the fact that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in fighting yesterday. Upon reading this, the President puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing, No, God no! he repeats over and over. Several members of his staff are very impressed and empathetic at their Commander In Chiefs sincere display of grief and one tries to reassure him, Mr. President. We understand what youre feeling, but its a tough fight and youre doing the right thing. The President looks up, I know, I know he says, but one thing. Just how many is a Brazilian anyway?
  5. and it comes in a Mac version as well http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/applecomputer.jpg
  6. At first glimpse I thought it was going to be an upskirt shot and you were going to make my friday...
  7. Oldie but goodie - One question IQ test..... Count every " F " in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... (SEE BELOW) HOW MANY? WRONG, THERE ARE 6-- no joke. Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down. The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.
  8. The comment somebody gave to it says it all: That's why chicks should stick with flute.
  9. http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/towlierocks.png
  10. An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. "Your name please?" "Abdul Aziz" "Sex?" "Six times a week!!" "No, no, I mean male or female!" "Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!"
  11. The 3 tragedies in a man's life 1- life sucks 2- job sucks 3- Wife does NOT!
  12. A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says.... I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w).
  13. On the Roy Rogers' show there was a jeep named "Nellie Bell." It has been speculated that this was the origin of the phrase "Whoa Nellie".
  14. Me too. Guess its a good thing we still have our memories functional. Help Cecil help, help Cecil help... I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
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