OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Andre Lower]

Originally posted by marino:

 

Ha ha!!! Excellent! And they're real too!!

 

My favorite is the Molestation Nursery - although it seem to have changed its name by now.

 

My limited English is preventing me from getting n.7... but thanks anyway for a long, good laugh!

Well Carlo, think of the english slang word for "urinate" and you'll get it. BTW, that prompts a memory of an old audio file I have here with a joke that involves this exact point. Considering you are by now aware of how much I like Italy and appreciate you and your posts, I believe you won't mind if I bring up this little joke on the "Italian English"...the file below keeps making me laugh, and it's bound to sound familiar to you. It's about an Italian Tourist visiting Malta. The link accesses a webpage, you just have to scroll down to the bottom of the page and download the short MP3 file from there. It's safe. Enjoy!

 

http://rapidshare.de/files/30477176/AuladeIngls.mp3.html

[gangsu]

Glad you got a laugh out of that, Marino. (I didn't get #7 either. Thanks, Andre )

 

No luck getting to your mp3 yet.... no guarantees that I'll get it when I do.

[MikeT156]

An older guy (like me) put in a application for work at the US Post Office. While he was being interviewed, he was asked if he as a veteran. He said he was, he had been to Vietnam. The HR guy told him he would get extra points for that. He asked him if he had any disabilities. The older guy told him he was hit with shrapnel and didn't have any testicles. The HR guy said that wouldn't be a problem. He told him the job was Tuesday through Saturday 8am to 4:30 pm. He told him to come in Tuesday at 10am. The older guy said "I thought the job was from 8am to 4:30?" The HR guy said "It is, but we just stand around and stratched our balls the first two hours"

[ITGITC]

A golfer who just got off the course at Pinehurst is boarding a plane at RDU going back home to Chicago. He didn't have time to change and both his pants pockets are loaded with golf balls.

 

As he takes his seat in first class, he gets that feeling that someone is staring at him. All through the flight he has this feeling.

 

Finally, cruising at 30,000 feet he looks to his right to see a beautiful, blonde, voluptuous young lady staring at his lap. He can feel his face turn beet red.

 

So he shrugs his shoulders, points to his lap and says to the lady, "Golf Balls".

 

She giggles and replies, "Oh, that must be painful. But does that hurt as much as Tennis Elbow?

[ITGITC]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

 

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

 

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

 

The barber turned to his friend Billy-Bob and asked, "Hey Billy-Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

 

A little while later, Billy-Bob returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.

 

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

 

Billy-Bob looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

 

 

=====================

 

Ouch.

[EdMusic]

So, heres this test to determine if dogs really tend to look like their owners.

They selected three dogs owned by a Rabbi, a social worker and a musician.

 

Three plates of food are placed in a closed room and the first dog wich belongs to the rabbi is send in. He walks up to his plate, moves it to a corner ready to defend it at all costs and begins to eat with little bites carefully watching what will happen next.

 

The second dog wich belongs to the social worker comes in, walks to his plate but is waiting to eat, obviously waiting for the third dog to come in so they all can eat together.

 

Then the musicians dog comes in. Running around and barking, eating all three plates and in between raping the two other dogs. The moment he is finished he barkes :

 

HEY, WERES THE BAR !!!!

[ITGITC]

True story.

 

My father is 90 years old, and, in his retirement, enjoys counting his money.

 

He LOVES this joke.

 

=============================

 

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and

every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that

helicopter".

 

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is

fifty dollars --and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,

I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get

another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty

dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.

I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the

entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one

word, it's fifty dollars."

 

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of

fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks

over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get

you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

 

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something

when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

 

===============

[gangsu]

[SilverDragonSoun]

Hopefully I don't botch this too bad.

 

A guy is getting sicking of his wife complaining about how her delivery of a child is going to be brutal pain. He tells her he could handle that pain without any issues. She remembers a new device her doctor deviced which simulates the pain of child delivery for a couple connected with a child they conceived. Her husband agrees to go to the doctor with her to try this machine and to prove his point so he takes off work. They arrive and the doctor hooks him up. He explains he's only going to use 10% of the machines capacity as he doesn't want to overwhelm the man, on it goes and the man feels nothing. The doctor checks his machine and everything is in working order. He then goes to 25% and the man feels nothing, he goes to 50% the man feels nothing, then to 100% the man feels nothing. The doctor is perplexed and on the way home, the man braggs about how he proved his point. WQhne they arrive home they walk up the stiars to their entry way and see the mail man dead on their porch.

 

(don't get it? Think about it for a second...)

[Guy Smiley]

A guy comes home from work, walks in the front door and WHAM ! ... his wife belts him over the head with a frypan.

"What was that for ? " says the bloke.

"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants pocket with Jenny written on it " says wife.

"But that was the name of the horse I backed last week " says the guy.

Wife is most apologetic, gets him a beer and starts to prepare his dinner.

 

Three days later the guy comes home from work, walks in the door and WHAM ! ... the wife thumps him again ... this time with an even bigger frypan.

" What was THAT for ? " says the guy picking himself up off the floor.

Wife replies ... " Your horse just phoned ".

 

.

[Dave Horne]

If Mama Cass and Karen Carpenter had only shared that last sandwich, they'd both be alive today.

[Guy Smiley]

Then we could have Cass Carpenter and Tennille

 

.

[zeronyne]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[SilverDragonSoun]

For the women in our group:

 

Man Schooling:

 

 

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for Marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

 

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you too, can be a real man as well as earn an ASSociates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please! take a moment to look over the program outline.

 

 

FIRST YEAR

 

Autumn Schedule:

 

MEN 101 Combating Stupidities

 

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

 

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

 

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas

 

Winter Schedule:

 

 

 

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

 

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM

 

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

 

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

 

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

 

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

 

 

Spring Schedule:

 

 

 

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butthole When you're Wrong

 

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

 

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

 

 

 

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

 

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

 

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

 

 

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

 

 

 

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

 

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

 

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

 

 

Elective (See Electives Below)

 

Winter Schedule:

 

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

 

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

 

MEN 212 You Too, Can Be a Designa! ted Driver

 

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Denzel Washington

 

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

 

 

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

 

 

 

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket after Farting is NOT Necessary

 

 

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

 

 

 

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

 

 

 

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

 

Course Electives:

 

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

 

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

 

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

 

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

 

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

 

 

 

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

 

 

 

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

 

 

 

Just a thought for all the women out there...

 

 

 

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist

 

 

 

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten their day!!!... And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy .

[SilverDragonSoun]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on! the door:

 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

 

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10)We do not ! refer to the cross as the "Big T."

 

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, " Eat me."

 

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

 

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[SilverDragonSoun]

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

 

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

 

THE STORY:

 

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

 

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

 

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

 

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads; too many Danielle Steele novels!"

 

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

 

(Gary)

Bitch

 

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

 

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

 

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

 

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

 

"You're joking!" was the response.

 

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

 

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

 

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's ! naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

 

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

 

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

 

"Can you do two for me now?"

 

"Sure, what do you want?"

 

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

 

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

 

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..

[Chris Link]

On another thread (perhaps on the "other board"), there was an explanation of the Southern US phrase "bless his heart", and it reminded me of this joke:

 

Three Southern belles are having lunch some weeks after Christmas and Sue Ann says, "My husband bought me this lil' ol' two carat diamond ring for Christmas." Linda Sue replies "That's beautiful, honey" and Donna Jo says "Well ain't that nice."

 

Linda Sue says, "Well, I got the cutest little red Mercedes convertible you evah saw from my husband for Christmas." Sue Ann says "Darlin', I thought I saw you the otha day in a cute lil' red car." Again, Donna Jo says "Well, ain't that nice."

 

Sue Ann turns to Donna Jo and asks "So, what did you you get for Christmas?"

 

She replies, "My husband sent me to charm school."

 

"Charm school? What on earth do you do at charm school?"

 

"Well", says Donna Jo, "the first thing you learn is to say 'Ain't that nice' instead of 'Who gives a sh*t'"

[ITGITC]

[gangsu]

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.

 

With great emphasis he said,

 

"If I had all the beer in the world,

I'd take it and pour it Into The river."

 

With even greater emphasis he said,

 

"And if I had all the wine in The World,

I'd take it and pour it into the river."

 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

 

"And if I Had All the whiskey in the world,

I'd take it and pour it into the River."

 

Sermon complete, he sat down.

 

The Choirmaster stood up and very cautiously announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

 

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #385,

 

"Shall We Gather At the River."

 

 

I think that's pretty funny.

 

[linwood]

Life is backwards

 

 

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

 

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

 

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension.

 

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

 

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

 

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

 

You go to primary school, you become a kid; you play, you have no responsibilities.

 

You become a baby and get everyones undivided attention.

 

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day.

 

And then you finish off as an orgasm.

[Andre Lower]

Linwood, you dropped the most poetic part: You finish up as a strange gleam in the eyes of your father...

[MidLifeCrisis]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. Can of coffee and

A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

Drunk standing behind her, with his 2 six packs of beer, watched as she

Placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing

Up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

By the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

Unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her

Marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "! ! Well, you know what,

You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit".

[ITGITC]

Steve I must've heard that joke a million times.

 

But I still laugh at the punchline.

[ITGITC]

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

 

Is it the right time?

 

Is anyone watching?

 

Does your partner even want to?

 

Is your breath fresh?

 

And... Should you use some tongue?

 

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/pigkiss.jpg

 

Is There Gas In The Car?

[latchmo]

John was a piano player who lived in NYC and played a couple of times a week in a little pub in Greenwich Village. The pub was just around the corner from NYU and was always filled with beautiful young co-eds. There was one young woman in particular that stood out from all the rest. Her name was Agnes and she was 5'4 and had dark skin with green eyes, black hair, an incredible smile and a gorgeous, nubile body. For months, she was always at the pub with friends when John played and she often danced very seductively near the piano. But recently, she had been coming to the pub alone and would sit just in front of the piano with her eyes glued to John all night. She would often buy John drinks but never really talked much and always left the pub before John's set was finished.

 

One night after John was finished playing, he walked to the bar to get a drink and was surprised to see Agnes standing there waiting for him. She told him that she thought his piano playing was magical and that she had been attracted to him since the first time she saw him play. She said that she had just graduated from NYU and was moving out to the west coast the very next day to start a new job. She told him she wanted to celebrate her last night in the city by making love to him and suggested they go back to her apartment. John was flattered but told her that he was very much still in love with his wife of 10 years and their two young children and although he was incredibly attracted to her, it just wasn't going to happen. Not giving up, she suggested they stay at the bar and have another drink. A few whiskeys later, the young seductress had won John over and they went back to her apartment and had amazing sex all night.

 

When he got back home the next morning, John tried to sneak into the bed with his wife without waking her up. His wife was already awake and she angrily demanded John, where the hell have you been? It's 7:30 in the morning! I've been awake all night worrying about you.

 

John replied Honey, you know I have a late gig every Wednesday night.

 

Your gig ends at midnight and you are always home before 2am she cried.

 

In a somber voice John confessed Honey, we've been married for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful children and you know I love you with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt you. We've never kept any secrets from each other and so I must tell you the truth.

 

Go on she insisted.

 

Last night after the gig he said, a beautiful 21 year old college student that has been trying to seduce me for weeks took me back to her apartment and we had amazing, hot, passionate, animal-like sex all night.

 

You son of a bitch! she yelled, Don't lie to me John, you had another gig didn't you?

[Byrdman]

I really thought I was going to miss my gig last night. I had to fly back into town earlier in the day.

 

When I arrived at the airport, two and a half hours before my flight like a Good Citizen I found the airport totally closed down and everybody milling around in the road outside the terminal. There was a security scare on.

 

Seems TSA had found a bag of fresh spinach on a conveyor.

[ITGITC]

Willie Nelson said it was just luck he had marijuana rather than spinach.

 

If he had had spinach, he'd be dead.

[Chris Link]

True story:

 

Four year old son of a guy at work uses the word "frucking" and gets in trouble. The kid looks up at his father and protests, "But Dad, I didn't say f*ing!"

 

Junior is no longer allowed to watch LSU football games with his Dad.

[ITGITC]

For a Monday, a song to get you through the day:

 

CLONK HERE