Andre Lower

OK, since we are on to Indian jokes, here goes my humble contribution: The young Patawan was listening to the great chief description of the standard indian naming process. "...and once the baby is born, I bless him with my holy stick, repeat the magic chant three times and leave the tent with my back to the sun. The baby gets its name from the first thing chief sees upon leaving the tent. In your brother's birth it was a soaring eagle, which explains why his name is Soaring Eagle. Your sister is Morning Mist because that's what I saw upon leaving the tent when she was born. Now, I understand that as a youngster you are entitled to defy and challenge traditions, but what is the problem with Farting Dog anyway?"

200 pound women in Brazil usually entail a wink and the qualification "cool, double orgasm!" along with a nasty, amused look... people say it stands for the usual one, followed by another when she gets off you and you can suddenly breathe again

Of course you should. At 92 he's bound to know more about humor than both of us together! Chances are he'll laugh harder than us

P L A N A H E A D Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead: The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go'.

Believe it or not, this is a real story, told by my wifes cousin. These two ladies were shopping in a fancy mall. One of them had her 5 year old girl along, and left her girlfriend watching over the kid while she went looking at some shopping window some meters away. Then the lady realizes that her girlfriends kid cant stop looking at her. The kid is studying her mothers friend face with a passion, looking at her repeatedly, from several different angles, with that analytical gaze only five year old girls have. Puzzled, she asks what the girl is looking at. Without interrupting her inspection, the kid says my mother keeps saying that you are a double-faced bitch

Old, but good: Four gents were discussing the prime subject for beer-round conversation - their sexual performances. The first guy says: - I have my tricks. Best one is the Inverted Slope Drive. I have the miss gasping for five long minutes. Nr. Two cuts in: - I have my ace as well. Chinese Chandelier. I have her sighing for like ten minutes when we get to it. Third guy tops it off: - You guys suck. My trademark slide swing has my lady moaning for about half an hour. The fourth keeps silent, and after a brief pause one of the others asks him if he has any special antic in his repertoire. Looking half-bored, he says he has his lady screaming for a full day after he is through with his routine. Wide eyed, his friends ask how he does it: - Nothing special. I just wipe my hands on the curtains...

Nah. I wore a black suit with a yellow silk tie. According to my wife I look sharp as a knife in it, and I am not shy about talking to strangers (I sing in a rock'n Roll band for Christ's Sake!), but still I did not get the gig.

Well I am having a similar (although non-musical) experience right now. I immigrated to Canada three months ago with a very positive impression of the job market. The Loony is skyrocketing and the unemployment rate is a record low right now. After half a dozen interviews in which I did what Bobadoshe described (I gave them my best references, showcased my experience and best assets, etc.) I was turned down in each and every instance. The standard lable is "lack of Canadian experience". Hard as I try, I can't see any lesson coming out of these interviews. I would honestly appreciate if they could tell me the real reason for turning me down, which could help me improve on whatever they decide I am missing. But they do as they please, and I am left with the rejection and worry for my future.

This man was an average guy, with a decent, regular life. That was his problem, actually. He wanted something different to spice it up. After some soul searching he concluded he could get a kick out of his sexual life again, which reminded him that he'd never been to a brothel in his life. After some research, he chose to fly to England to visit the famous Chambers Brothel. It was pricey he had heard, but what the hell... Once he got there he found out the details: You paid your fee and was ushered to a first basic chamber. On each chamber there would be a certain number of doors leading to other chambers, each door labeled with a hint of what was to be found beyond. The price would increase proportionately depending on the number of chambers layers he wished to have access to. After some consideration he chose to spend 500 English Pounds on a five layer trip. All excited, he was ushered to the first chamber, where the lady closed the door behind him. there were three doors with the following labels: Blonde, Brunette and Redhead. He went through the Brunette door. Then he found himself in a second chamber, with the door locking behind him. This one had three doors labeled "International Standards", "Classic XXX" and "English Secret". The guy was getting pumped about it, and went for the "English Secret". Door locked behind him once again, he found another three doors in this chamber: "oiled skin", "fantasy dress" and "multiple accessories". Now the guy was drooling, and jumped for the "fantasy dress" door. This chamber had only two options, "frontal delight" and "rear heaven". The guy was trembling with desire, and dashed for "rear heaven". Aware that this would be his last choice before the realization of his life's fantasy, the guy was confronted with his three last doors: "cozy home style", "wild" and "truly nasty". Exploding with desire, the poor man runs screaming through the "truly nasty" door...and...he was out in the street!

Short dictionary: LOVE: Temporary infirmity bound to be cured by marriage. A word of four letters, two vowels and two idiots. DANCE: Vertical frustration of a horizontal desire. HEADACHE: The contraceptive most frequently used by modern women. VIRGIN: a 9-year old girl, way too ugly, who runs more than her cousin. ORAL EXAMINATION: Technical examination required to get an internship in the White House. TONGUE: Sexual organ used to speak in ancient times. TRUST: Free access channel given to a person so that he/she can become abusive. DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "what a pretty dog" while you look for a stone to throw at it. EASY: Adjective employed to qualify a woman whose sexual moral is the same of a mans. HERO: Individual who, different from the rest, cannot run away. MAN: Male human being, who during the first 9 months of his life dreams about getting out of a place he keeps trying to get back in again for the rest of his life. INDIFFERENCE : Attitude displayed by a woman towards a man shes not interested in, dutifully interpreted by the man as if she were faking. INTELECTUAL: Any individual capable of thinking for more than two hours about something other than sex. TEAMWORK: Working model that affords the possibility of blaming somebody else.

Hey, nice voice! Should make the victm's ass whipping a little easier to bear

Well looks like no one is addressing the character issue here. I am no puritan, but sure as hell understand the difference between the kind of lady you can trust to have forever and the kind you'd be laughed at for it... It all depends on your intentions/plans and what you are willing to risk . Ah yes, just like we do, women also put up a very different façade for courtship, and are bound to show their true colors after some time. Another aspect to consider upon playing the game.

Linwood, you dropped the most poetic part: You finish up as a strange gleam in the eyes of your father...

Well Carlo, think of the english slang word for "urinate" and you'll get it. BTW, that prompts a memory of an old audio file I have here with a joke that involves this exact point. Considering you are by now aware of how much I like Italy and appreciate you and your posts, I believe you won't mind if I bring up this little joke on the "Italian English"...the file below keeps making me laugh, and it's bound to sound familiar to you. It's about an Italian Tourist visiting Malta. The link accesses a webpage, you just have to scroll down to the bottom of the page and download the short MP3 file from there. It's safe. Enjoy! http://rapidshare.de/files/30477176/AuladeIngls.mp3.html

All right, this falls outside the proper boundaries of this thread, but is so funny that I can't help sharing. My mother and father in law were flying (to Canada, if I remember it right) and upon boarding the plane were told that it was supposedly full, and there was only one seat available in the tourist class, which was their original ticket. As it was the airline overbooking policy's fault, they promptly sat them in the first-class, where there were indeed two vacant seats. Of course they were pleased with that. Later on comes dinner, with all the bells & whistles of first class, big airline catering service. My mother in law proceeds to thoroughly examine every detail of the vast dinner shelf, and after a while tells my father in law "George, hand me your moisturizing cream, I'm gonna give it to the girls (my future wife and her sister) back home". He quickly replies "sorry, I've already eaten mine". It turns out that he had spread the Clinique hand cream - mistaken for salad dressing - over his lettuce & Brie salad and finished it on a wink. Now can you imagine the tactile sensation of swallowing lettuce & hand cream together ?

Wha? Some of my best adolescent memories involve listening to Queen on pop radio. In the U.S. of A. --Dave OK Dave, I know it did not last forever and that eventually Queen did become popular in the US. However you should be aware of the gap between their popularity in the USA and in the rest of the world. That is what I meant with my observation. It was not meant as any offense to America's musical taste or anything like that, just an exemple of how much the US market differs from the rest of the world, Queen being much bigger outside the US than it ever managed to become there.

For what it's worth, Whitesnake is among my favorite bands, hands down. I dig the two guitar players work (Bernie Marsden and Mick Moody), and David Coverdale's voice and drive are superb. I wonder if they made it in the US as much as in the rest of the world...after I came to know how Queen was "ignored" in the US, nothing else will surprise me in that sense !

My kind of lady

OK, old one, yet still good: Three guys were having beer and one is bragging to the others: "My wife and I, when we have sex, it's just unbelievable: I can keep her screaming for almost a minute, non-stop!". The second guy cuts it with "nah, I beat you to it: I once managed to keep mine howling for about five minutes!". Third guy grunts, looking bored, and shoots "yeah, I reckon you guys can't hold a candle to my regular performance: When we have sex, I can keep my wife screaming for a whole week". Given the disbelief look of his two pals, the man gingerly explains: "Easy. I just clean it on the curtains..."

Is there a problem to joke about lunatics here? OK, one of the inmates in a mental hospital demanded to see the Institution's Director. After some insistence, his demand was granted. He entered the office, sat down, greeted the Director and cut to the chase: - I can't stand my cell mate, you gotta move me to another cell. - But Harry, you and Malcolm have been best buddies for so many years...what is the matter? - Well ya know, since July he started in this new madness, believing he is a refrigerator, and I just can't stand it anymore. - But hey, how the hell his refrigerator delusion can bother you? I thought it was harmless... - Sure, me too. But since July I cannot enjoy a decent sleep at night and it's driving me crazy! - Look Harry, I do not see a connection here... - Oh don't you? Do you have a fridge at home Sir? Here's the drill: Malcolm falls asleep, relaxes, opens his mouth and the bloody light keeps shining right at my face! Captain Blake was a brave sailor. Got his tiny Frigate lined up with a mighty Spanish 80-gunner, with little chance of living through the next minutes, and to the amazement of his crew shouted from the bridge: Bring me my red shirt!. The battle is fierce, but Captain Blakes determination and cold blood turned a certain defeat into an unbelievable victory. From this day on, his crew labeled the famous red shirt their ships lucky charm. Inquired about it by the First Mate, who was a closer friend, Captain Blake confessed the reason of his choice: In case he was wounded and was to bleed to death, he did not want his crew to realize it, so their moral would not fall and theyd keep on putting up a fight. The First Mate became even prouder of his Captain. From then on, time and again Captain Blake would shout for his famous red shirt on the direst prospects of battle, thus pushing his crews moral to undefeatable heights. Some months later, Captain Blake finds himself facing no less than five mighty men-of-war. The crew cant help but being a little apprehensive, and all hands look up to the bridge, anxiously waiting for their Captains now traditional battle cry. After carefully studying the enemy fleet, Captain Blake shouts to the First Mate: Mike, bring me my brown pants, on the double

Hey isn't that Herky from "Jay Jay the Jet Plane"?

Well, running the risk of this being known already (I still find it interesting): Back in the middle ages, food was rather scarce, communities were small and therefore the control over reproduction was tight. In order to have "lawful" sex, which more often than not would yield another mouth to be fed, peasants should procure the previous authorization of their King. In order to let it be known that what was going on inside a newly-married couple's house was legal, the inscription F-U-C-K was posted on their front door: Fornication Under Consent of the King. Practical origin of the much maligned word of our days...

Well, I never posted anything here, so here it goes: http://rapidshare.de/files/9114503/Distant_Early_Warning.mp3.html http://rapidshare.de/files/9117060/Subdivisions.mp3.html http://rapidshare.de/files/9120197/The_Analog_Kid.mp3.html For those who might not know them, these songs are Rush covers (we have this Rush Tribute Band). I hope it is OK to post covers. The recording was done in a friend's studio, with no edition whatsoever. The up side is that this is exactly how we sound live. The down side is that we just played our setlist, and as soon as someone made a mistake we would simply break it down, which means the recording of some songs ended up more like a snippet. Please look at the bottom of the page for download instructions once you get to the website. Let me know what you guys think of it.