Root

A very poor man is having horrible pain in his elbow, but has no money to go to the doctor. A friend of his tells him about a machine at the local walmart, where he could go and pour in a sample of his urine, and the machine would tell him exactly what was wrong with him. In disbelief he goes to Walmart and tries it. He pours a sample of his urine in and the machine spits out a card that reads "You have tennis elbow. Put it in a sling and rest it for 3 weeks and you will be fine." He is flabbergasted that the machine gave him a response at all, let alone one that makes sense, but he is still skeptical, so he decides he will try to fake the machine out. So he goes home and gets his wife to pee in a cup for him. To really mess the machine up he has his daughter pee in the same cup. Then to really throw it off he jerks off in it as well. So he takes it to walmart and pours it in, and the machine spits out a card that reads "your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, and if you dont stop jerking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow"

I bought a new phone the other day. The first thing I did was hit redial.

I was on set break talking to a very attractive girl wearing a nice flowery summer dress. She was really flirty with me and we had a lively conversation through the entire set break. I was beginning to get dragged away from this girl by the band to go play again (they're all married) and I complimented her on her dress. She said thank you and that she really had to change out of what she was wearing before. I asked what that was and she says that she was wearing a black dress and had come from her mom's funeral. The only thing I could think of to say was I'm sorry to hear that...I have to go play now... She left during that next set.

I beg to differ...with the first part anyway

This guy screamed a whole lot of crazy stuff at us right before he passed out on the steps on the front of the stage... http://myspace-800.vo.llnwd.net/00733/00/85/733815800_l.jpg

It put a twisted smile on my face too. Taking the money over the girl....I don't know man, you spend the money but you remember the girl forever. That's a tough call but you're probably right.

I used to be in a blues band with a gorgeous female singer and an unbelievably loud guitar player. I would get this all the time: Woman: Walk up to me and say "Hey are you in the band?" Me: (excited and hopeful) Why yes I am, I was playing keyboards. Woman: Your singer is AMAZING!!! Me: Thank you. I'm very flattered. Woman: Walks away. Jeez

Last weekend I got "Will you walk me out to my car? *wink*"

Hey jeep is there somewhere online where you can go and read far side comics? I've tried looking and can't find anything. Far side is my absolute favorite and I would love to just be able to look at them online.

let's not forget why the movie was rated Aaargh...cause it was full of BOOTY!!!!!

Bob is a hard working guy who works long hours and splits his free time between his bowling league and his wife. On his 50th birthday his wife decides she's going to do something extra special for him and take him to the strip club. So on his birthday she tells him "come on Bob, I'm taking you somewhere very special tonight" and they get in the car and go to the strip bar. When they get there the wife says "here we are...the strip bar!" and Bob goes "uh..umm..oh. Thats great honey, thanks..." They walk up to the door and the bouncer goes "hey bob, how's it going tonight?" The wife gives Bob a 'look' and says "Bob have you been here before??!!!!" Bob says "no honey, this is Jim he's on my bowling team." So his wife says ok and they go inside. The waitress comes over and says "the usual bud light bob?" How his wife starts flipping out a little "I thought you said you've never been here!!! Are you LYING TO ME????" and Bob says nononono baby, this is Sandy, she also waits tables at the bowling alley. The wife says oh...ok. Stripper comes over and says "Another lap dance tonight Bob?" The wife flips her lid, starts screaming and runs out of the bar. Bob chases her out and comes out the door just to see her jump into a cab and jump in after her. They're sitting in the back of the cab and the wife is throwing every four letter word at him when the cab driver turns around and goes "jeez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard

What's the difference between a trombone player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of 4.