OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[SilverDragonSoun]

The Silent Treatment

 

 

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

 

 

 

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

 

 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

 

 

 

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

 

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

 

 

 

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ..." He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

 

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

 

 

 

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

 

 

 

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

 

 

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

 

[J. Dan]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

 

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer..

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[linwood]

db for Pres!

[Musicale]

Hey,

 

Aren't these family forums ?

 

 

 

 

[S_Gould]

Hey,

 

Aren't these family forums ?

 

 

 

 

Yes, but it's a rather unusual family we have here...

[ITGITC]

http://www.myspaceantics.com/images/funny/black-eye.jpg

 

 

How did I get this black eye?

 

Don't ask.

 

Well, OK. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station... And that's when the fight started.

**********************************************************

 

I tried to talk her into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

**********************************************************

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'... And that's when the fight started.

*********************************************************

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging one drink after another as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started.

*******************************************************

 

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'... And that's when the fight started.

***************************

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

 

'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.

***************************

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/funny-pictures-piano-playing-kitten-is-narcoleptic.jpg

 

 

 

[SK]

Groanfest: Puns intended.

 

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (an all time favorite)

 

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

 

[ADino]

 

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the

 

airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,

 

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you

 

strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed

 

it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you

 

like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about

 

nuclear power?' and he smiles.

 

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.

 

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,

 

and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a

 

deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a

 

flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried

 

grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's

 

intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have

 

no idea.'

 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel

 

qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know

 

shit?

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. As we sat down I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting at the table across from him.

 

The teen had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

 

Dad kept staring at him.

 

The teenager would look up and find him staring every time.

 

When the teenager had enough, he sauntered over to where we were sitting and sarcastically asked,

 

"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn't choke on his response. I pretty much knew what was coming next.

 

In classic style, and without a second of hesitation he replied,

 

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

 

 

 

[StanC]

Bob and Joe are out fishing - Bob says "I think I'm going to divorce my wife." "Really?" Joe asks. "Yeah, she hasn't spoken to me in over two months!"

"Well, Bob if I were you I would reconsider. A woman like that is hard to find!"

 

[Chris Link]

With the holidays approaching, time for an old favorite:

 

On a cold December day, a mailman is making his rounds and is greeted by one of the women on his route.

 

"It sure is cold," she says, "would you like to come inside for a bit?"

 

He goes inside and finds that she has prepared a fabulous lunch and she asks, "Certainly you have time for a bite to eat, don't you?" He sits down and enjoys the food and she says "I'll bet you can find time for a little dessert as well, if you know what I mean," as she peels off her clothing.

 

After a while, he says "I'm really running late. I've gotta get going or I'll get fired." As he's about to leave, she exclaims, "Oh, I almost forgot," holding out a dollar bill.

 

"Uh... thanks," he says.

 

"You know, lunch was delicious and the sex was great, but what's with the dollar?"

 

"Well you see", she replied, "My husband and I were discussing what to give for Christmas to, you know, the yard guy, the kid's sitter and everyone in appreciation for all they do and I asked 'What about the mailman?' "

 

"My husband said 'Screw the mailman. Give him a dollar.' "

 

"Lunch was my idea."

[ITGITC]

I'm from the South.

 

We have lots and lots of rednecks living here.

 

But come to think of it, there are lots and lots of rednecks living all over the world.

 

 

With that in mind, I offer you this brand new edition of... 'You might be a redneck if...'

 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

 

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

 

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

 

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

 

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

 

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

 

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

 

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

 

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

 

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

 

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

 

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

 

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

 

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

 

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

 

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

 

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

 

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

 

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

 

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

 

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

 

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

 

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

 

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/overalls.jpeg

 

You are into the latest overall trends.

 

 

 

[retrokeys]

I believe this fellow is what my southern kin would call "gutsprung"

[Joe P]

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Hey! The high balls are on me!"

 

 

Oh!

[ITGITC]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Texas on the opening day of deer season. They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

 

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was gone.

 

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

 

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well.... we were married for 42 years."

 

 

 

 

[Mr. Nightime]

News Flash

 

The Great Bandini, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his donkey to every performance narrowly averted tragedy today when his donkey climbed into the cannon just as Bandini was taking off. It took surgeons 3 hours to remove Bandini's head from his ass.

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

George Bush is in the Oval Office and hes reading his daily briefing report. Much of the report deals with the war in Iraq and finishes with the fact that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in fighting yesterday.

 

Upon reading this, the President puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing, No, God no! he repeats over and over.

 

Several members of his staff are very impressed and empathetic at their Commander In Chiefs sincere display of grief and one tries to reassure him, Mr. President. We understand what youre feeling, but its a tough fight and youre doing the right thing.

 

The President looks up, I know, I know he says, but one thing. Just how many is a Brazilian anyway?

 

[ITGITC]

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming . He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

 

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

 

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

 

 

[lerber3]

What's long and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick

[ITGITC]

 

Always check your child's homework...

 

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/mom/mom.JPG

 

Here's the note the teacher received the following day:

 

Dear Mrs. Jones,

 

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

 

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.

 

I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

 

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

 

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

 

Sincerely,

 

Mrs. Smith

 

 

 

[linwood]

Henry does it again

 

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

Oh man, I didn't realize Shrub was so musical!

[gryphon]

A man and his wife go golfing. On the fifth hole, the man severely hooks his tee shot into an adjacent field. The ball comes to rest about twenty feet from the side of a barn. The doors on both sides of the barn are open about a foot wide, and the man can see the green through the gap, about 150 yards away. He is left with two choices: try to hit the ball through the gap and onto the green, or play it safe and work around the barn, eliminating any chance for par.

 

The man decides to go for it. Knowing that he must hit a low screaming line drive, he swings as hard as he can. The ball hits the side of the barn and bounces back toward the couple. It hits his wife in the head and kills her.

 

Several years later, the man is playing the same course with a friend. At the fifth hole, he again hooks his tee shot up against the barn, and again the doors are open slightly. Seeing the green through the gap, the friend says "Why don't you try hitting it through the barn?" The man replies "No way. Last time I tried that I got a seven."

[ITGITC]

 

People send Oprah email about childhood stories. This one's from Little Susie...

 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

 

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know)...

 

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

 

 

[ITGITC]

Best of Craigslist: LINK

 

If you haven't seen this, you owe it to yourself to take a look. Surely you'll find at least one or two posts that will make you smile.

 

[linwood]

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=8kxqMpGAL3I

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypycpKQxXR0&feature=related

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

 

You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

 

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

 

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're Bull-Sh*ttin' me!"

 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it!"

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

This just in...

 

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

--Jay Leno

 

***

 

"The Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except the speeches are shorter and theres slightly less butt-sniffing."

--Craig Ferguson

 

 

 

[MikeT156]

A "Good" friend is someone that will help you move.

 

As described by my Italian American family and friends I grew up with:

 

A "REALLY good" friend is someone that will help you move the body.

 

True dat!

 

Mike T.