OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Andre Lower]

200 pound women in Brazil usually entail a wink and the qualification "cool, double orgasm!" along with a nasty, amused look... people say it stands for the usual one, followed by another when she gets off you and you can suddenly breathe again

[ITGITC]

A Little Girl's Story...

 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 21/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

 

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

 

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[marino]

Next, for the life candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappas The Black Page. If you want to play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing it, so you may have to play that part in another key (she majored in voice at UCLA).

 

HA HA HA - Great!

The whole list of requests was fantastic.

A good hard laugh, at the end of a bad hard day. Thank you!

 

 

[ITGITC]

Pink Weenie

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?''

Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners,

and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

 

[ITGITC]

A guy walks into a house of ill repute and says to the madam, "I've got a wopping Five Dollars to spend, what can I get?"

 

She repliese, "Well for that you can have our special sheep in a mirrored room."

 

The guy says, "Well, I'm not really into the animal thing."

 

She replies, "Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it... and besides, it's only five bucks. Whaddaya got to lose?"

 

So he goes for it.

 

A week later he comes back and says to the Madam, "Here's my Five bucks, I'd like a go with the sheep please."

 

She replise, "I'm sorry, that was last week's special. The sheep is gone now."

 

The guy replies, "But how could you do that? That sheep was really good!"

 

The Madam says, "Why don't you try this week's special - a lesbian show."

 

The john says, "Well, I'm not really into watching that sort of thing."

 

The Madam replies, "Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. And besides, it's only five bucks. Whaddaya got to lose?"

 

So he goes for it.

 

And he's sitting there on the bench behind a viewing glass watching these two hot babes doin' each other and he's really getting turned on. He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and says, "Hey buddy, this show is pretty good, eh?"

 

The other guy turns to him and says, "Heck, this ain't nothin'. You should been here last week. They had some pervert behind the two-way mirrors doin' a SHEEP!"

 

 

[BluesKeys]

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . .

 

 

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[ITGITC]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

 

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry

hamper according to lights and darks.

 

 

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you

see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

 

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make

mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

 

 

Get in the shower.

 

 

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone

 

 

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.

 

 

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

 

 

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

 

 

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.

 

 

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa

cake body wash.

 

 

Rinse conditioner off hair.

 

 

Shave armpits and legs.

 

 

Turn off shower.

 

 

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

 

 

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

 

 

Get out of shower.

 

 

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

 

 

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

 

 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and

towel on head.

 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any

exposed areas.

 

 

 

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the

bed and leave them in a pile.

 

 

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along

the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

 

 

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire

the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

 

 

Get in the shower.

 

 

Wash your face.

 

 

Wash your armpits.

 

 

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse

the snot off.

 

 

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

 

 

Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area.

 

 

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs

stuck on the soap.

 

 

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

 

 

Pee.

 

 

Rinse off and get out of shower.

 

 

Partially dry off.

 

 

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was

hanging out of tub the whole time.

 

 

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

 

 

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light

and fan on.

 

 

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you

pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

 

 

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

 

 

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at

the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

 

Have a great day!

 

 

Oh, and....woo woo!!

 

 

 

 

[lerber3]

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

 

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."

 

[delirium]

http://www.myspacedev.com/img/funny/funny0254.jpg

[ITGITC]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

 

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

 

When you open the trunk,,,,, see who is really happy to see you!

 

[ITGITC]

Sometimes it pays to be old.

 

No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile.

 

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

 

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

 

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

 

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday "

 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "OK that's it... We're outta here."

 

 

 

 

[Mr. Nightime]

A lawyer had just bought a brand new BMW. As he was getting in the car, a hit-and-run driver sideswiped the BMW, ripping the door off. When the police arrived, all the lawyer could do was rant in anger about his brand new BMW and how much it would cost to fix.

 

The cop tried to get information from the lawyer, but still all the lawyer could do was rant about how much it was going to cost to fix, how this was a brand new car.

 

Finally the cop decided hed heard enough, and told the lawyer, You know, I dont think Ive ever seen anyone as materialistic as you are. All you can do is yell about how much it will cost to fix your car.

 

I am not materialistic. I just know its going to cost me a lot to fix my brand new car.

 

Im sorry to tell you, but you are very materialistic. In all your yelling, youve never even noticed that the hit-and-run ripped off your left arm.

 

The lawyer looked down at what was left of his arm, and screamed, Oh My God!!!! My Rolex!

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of

> golf, and one remarked hownice it would be to wake

> up on Christmas morning,roll out of bed and without

> an argument, go directly tothe golf course, meet his

> buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in

> and said, "Let's do it! We'llmake it a priority,

> figure out a way and meet here early Christmas

> morning." Months later, that special morning

> arrives, and there they are on the golfcourse. The

> first guy says,

> "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife

> sucha diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off

> it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife

> is at home planning thecruise I gave her. She was up

> to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says

> "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

> reading themanual." They all turned to the last guy

> in the group who is staring at them likethey have

> lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to

> such expense for this golf game. I slappedmy wife on

> the arse and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's

> a great morning for either sex or golf'.She said

> ..." Take a sweater."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Once upon a time

in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

 

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine

and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't f#&%ing think so.

[SilverDragonSoun]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they

find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights

out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,

the wife figures out a solution.

 

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at

night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left

breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

 

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if

she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor

comes in and says,

 

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't

remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be

okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened. I'm

trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off

in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance

compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you

a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

 

The man perks up at this.

 

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you

had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she

might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you

decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be

disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you

make the decision."

 

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next

day.

 

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

 

"I have," says the man.

 

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

 

"She has," says the man.

 

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

 

"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[ITGITC]

I'm building a new high-rise mansion in the mountains.

 

Would love for y'all to come visit.

 

Here it is:

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/mansion.jpg

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

I tried to book my wedding their but its booked through 2012.

[SilverDragonSoun]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

 

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant (FA) walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. 'Hey, bitch,' said the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

 

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: 'Demit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!' Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

 

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!'

 

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, 'Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE

Man of Your House."

 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you

need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You

will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my

meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going

to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will

wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will

massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me

and comb my hair?"

 

The wife replied, "The f#%#in' funeral director would be my first

guess."

[Chris Link]

A friend of mine in the US passed this on to me ...

 

Two New York City jazzers got a gig in Chicago but had to drive separate cars. When the trumpet player arrived at the gig, he was told the sax player had been killed tragically on a bridge in Indiana. He looked confused. "Man, there's no bridge in Indiana!"

 

Took me bit to get it...

 

I'll copy and paste into the humor thread.

[ADino]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road .

 

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at EVERYTHING she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

 

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

 

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, She said: "Good trade"...

[ADino]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

 

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

 

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER.'

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Some TGIF humor:

 

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed

to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told

us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing

the big

scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up,

that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this

well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to

raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess

and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank

you. Tray-up,

Bitch"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one Seat."

 

 

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the Manager."

 

 

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

 

 

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"...the balcony..."

[SilverDragonSoun]

This one is one of my favorites!

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You

have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his

technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's

done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,

where did the white man go wrong?'

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then

calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes,

no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day

hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to

think he could improve system like that.'

 

[Mark Zeger]

Sorry if someone gets offended, but...

 

Three drunks are sitting in a bar. Bartender asks "Hey, guys, what are you doing for Easter?"

 

First drunk says "Oh, Easter? That's when the family gets together, we roast a turkey, watch football, and have a big dinner and everyone eats too much."

 

Second drunk says "No, you idiot. That's Thanksgiving. Easter is about when Jesus was born. We decorate a tree, sing carols and give each other presents."

 

Third drunk says "No, you idiot. That's Christmas. Easter is all about when Jesus died. And after he died, they took him off the cross and put him in a cave. After three days, he comes out of his cave and if he sees his shadow, there is 6 more weeks of winter."

 

 

[ITGITC]

Sorry if someone gets offended, but...

 

Three drunks are sitting in a bar. Bartender asks "Hey, guys, what are you doing for Easter?"

 

First drunk says "Oh, Easter? That's when the family gets together, we roast a turkey, watch football, and have a big dinner and everyone eats too much."

 

Second drunk says "No, you idiot. That's Thanksgiving. Easter is about when Jesus was born. We decorate a tree, sing carols and give each other presents."

 

Third drunk says "No, you idiot. That's Christmas. Easter is all about when Jesus died. And after he died, they took him off the cross and put him in a cave. After three days, he comes out of his cave and if he sees his shadow, there is 6 more weeks of winter."

 

 

 

No. That didn't offend me.

 

 

You probably could have gotten better odds around here if you had written something like this...

 

 

The third drunk says "No, you idiot. That's Christmas. Easter is all about when Jesus died.

 

And after he died, they took him off the cross and put him in a cave.

 

After three days, Jesus emerged from the cave.

 

While he was there, he had a sex change operation.

 

When she opened the door to the cave, stepped outside and saw her shadow she exclaimed, "Oh My Gosh!" because she knew that there would be six more weeks of winter.

 

So to ward off her depression she picked up her cell phone, called all her friends and told them to meet her at the mall for a shopping spree."

 

 

 

 

 

[linwood]

My wife e mailed me this today and in her subject line she'd typed "can you imagine?", but the sad thing is I can remember these days when I was a kid. I had to answer my folks with a Yes Sir/Yes Mam, as well. http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/images/goodwifeguide.gif