OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[kanker.]

http://www.expertvillage.com/video/92033_piano-jazz-five-four.htm

damn

[marino]

http://www.expertvillage.com/video/92033_piano-jazz-five-four.htm

 

Very funny.. unless... unless he's trying to be serious!!

 

 

 

[Mike Warren]

http://www.expertvillage.com/video/92033_piano-jazz-five-four.htm

 

Very funny.. unless... unless he's trying to be serious!!

 

It must be true. He's an expert. It says so, right there, on the page.

 

I need to go back to school and learn how to count.

 

 

[linwood]

I guess he'd count 7

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 sev - ven

[SK]

Maybe he should try counting it "1 2 3 AND 4"

 

joke time: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[SilverDragonSoun]

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.' The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows......

[SilverDragonSoun]

Redneck pick up lines

 

 

 

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

 

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

 

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

 

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

 

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

 

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

 

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

 

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

 

10) I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room.

 

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon.

 

And.... The best for last!

 

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

 

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

 

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

 

 

 

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[SilverDragonSoun]

When Cletus was just a youngster, he went to the drug store

and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the

ribbed condoms are?"

 

The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used

for?"

 

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

 

The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know

what the ribs are for?"

 

Cletus paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they

sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

[SilverDragonSoun]

A LITTLE guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour, when a big trouble-making biker comes next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

 

The poor little guy starts crying.

 

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.

 

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.

 

I overslept and was late for an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

 

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

 

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

 

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

 

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damned poison!'

[ITGITC]

This is true.

 

I swear.

 

Saw it with my own eyes.

 

Had to take a picture...

 

I've added the appropriate caption.

 

HOW TO SPOT A REDNECK WITH A DUI CONVICTION

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/deer.JPG

 

 

My brother...

 

He sure is crazy.

 

 

[ADino]

The mai tai got its name when 2 polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear...

[zahush76]

A lion and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The lion turns to the rabbit and asks him: "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit answers: "No".

So the lion wipes his ass with rabbit.

[SK]

You know... humor is all good and fine; it's nice to laugh and release those endorphines, but sometimes we all crave other things, like wild improvisation, reharmonization, or just a good, old fashioned educational science film.

 

And so for that healthy balance, take a break from that $300 controller for a few minutes and enjoy this short informative documentary on the "Reproductive Cycle" on Mars.

 

 

(OK, I know it was a little out, but someone sent it to me, and I had to post it somewhere.)

[ITGITC]

BUBBA'S GUIDE TO INSTALLING A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy you a pair of used men's work boots... size 14-16. Put 'em on yer front porch.

 

2. Go outside to the privy and git last year's copy of Guns & Ammo magazine. Put that thar too.

 

3. Stick a couple of big ol' dog bowls right up next to all that.

 

4. Now nail a note on the middle of yer front door that says:

 

Daryl,

 

Me and Bigun, Duke, and Slim took the pickup to the store to git us some more ammo, cigarettes and beer. Oh - and some chaw and gasoline... but we'll be comin rite bak.

 

I reckon you best not fool wit them pit bulls - they got all up in the male-manz face this mornin' and carved him up real good. Twaz a site to sea. He don't even look like hisself no more. (Kinda like the time we went out too the woods and blown the face rite off that rat - member?)

 

I don't think Killer took part this time round though. But it's tough to tell from all the blood.

 

Anyways, I locked em all fore in the house. But be on the look-out cause the window'z open in Ma's room and the screen is busted. I don't think they'll figure it out but you member how crafty those big ol bastards are. (I really miss my rabbits.)

 

You might wanna wait outside til we git bak.

 

Signed.

 

Cousin Kooter

[ITGITC]

An Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night.

 

The bartender finally announced that that the bar was closing and everyone had to go home.

 

So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

 

He tried to stand. Again, same result.

 

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

 

Once outside, he stood up only to fall on his face again.

 

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

 

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

 

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

 

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

 

"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

 

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

 

"The pub just called," she said.

 

"You left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

OK. This is not a joke. LINK

 

Deputies seize moonshine from Wayne County home

 

http://wwwcache.wral.com/asset/news/news_briefs/2009/04/06/4899021/DSC_0028-600x398.jpg

 

 

Dudley, N.C. April 6, 2009 - Wayne County sheriff's deputies cited a Dudley man Saturday for possession and sales of alcohol without a permit.

 

Deputies seized 20 cases of beer, seven gallons of corn liquor, 16 pints of corn liquor, 2 shotguns and a .32 caliber revolver from the home of Johnnie Lee Jones, 70, of 104 Timothy St.

==============================================

 

 

That really screwed up plans for Daddy's birthday party.

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Who says men can't remember anniversaries?

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee

in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye

and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when

we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter,

or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and

says....'I would have gotten out today.

[SilverDragonSoun]

BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an

expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

 

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would

like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in

the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked

his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives

the Blonde mortician a blank check and s ays, "I don't care what it

costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the

viewing."

 

 

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she

finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk

stripe the suit fits him perfectly.

 

 

 

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you

spend?"

 

 

 

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank

check.

 

 

 

"There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must

compensate you for the cost of that exquisite

blue suit!" she says.

 

 

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You

see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size

was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was

wearing an attractive blue suit.

 

 

 

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black

suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked

nice."

 

 

 

"So I just switched the heads." ~:-)

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Got me a new truck!

 

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

 

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

 

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

 

Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'

 

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by The Ayatollah, backed up by the Taliban Choir, with Mullah Mohammed Omar on guitar, Mawlawi Abdul Kabir on drums, and Osama Bin Laden on Scotch.

 

Damn, I LOVE this truck!

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

10,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about Oral Sex:

 

3% liked the warmth

 

4% enjoyed the sensation

 

93% appreciated the silence

[SilverDragonSoun]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN ~

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half

 

>>>>>>> wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and

 

>>>>>>> open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India - very hot, relaxed and

 

>>>>>>> convinced of her own beauty.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France - gently aging but

 

>>>>>>> still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a

 

>>>>>>> glorious, all conquering past, but still a force to be reckoned

 

>>>>>>> with.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through

 

>>>>>>> wars and tries not to make the same mistakes twice.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - self-preserving yet

 

>>>>>>> vital and open to meeting people not afraid to seek out her

 

>>>>>>> resources.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> After 70, she becomes Tibet: Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious

 

>>>>>>> past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an

 

>>>>>>> adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit

 

>>>>>>> there.

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN ~

 

>>>>>>>

 

>>>>>>> Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. Ruled by a prick!

 

[Chris Link]

A timely joke what with pirates in the news...

 

An old grizzled pirate captain walks into a seedy portside tavern. He has the classic peg leg, a metal hook for a right hand and a black patch over one eye.

 

He orders a whiskey and the barman sets it in front of him. Nodding to his various old injuries, the barman says, "Look like you've had quite a career, Cap'n. Tell me then, how'd you lose the leg?"

 

The captain replies, "We got caught by a Royal Navy cutter and had to fight our way out of it. Cannonball took off me leg."

 

"And the hand? How'd you end up with that hook?" asked the barman.

 

"Ah, that was from the cutlass of a scurvy mutineer. Tried to kill me and take over the ship. My loyal mates and I fought back, killed some of them, wounded the rest. Threw the wounded ones to the sharks."

 

"Ooh, what a tale!", said the barman, "and what pray tell happened to your eye?"

 

"Oh that... damned seagull crapped in that eye."

 

"You lost your eye from bird crap?" asked the incredulous barman.

 

"Well, not exactly. You see, it was just a day after I'd gotten me hook..."

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

Kronk heah.

[ITGITC]

Easter Wabbit? Or not?

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

 

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

 

[ITGITC]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

 

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

 

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

 

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use Crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

25) Slip with stupid Crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

26) Begin cussing fit.

27) Throw stupid Crescent wrench.

28) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

29) Beer.

30) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

31) Beer.

32) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

33) Beer.

34) Lower car from jack stands.

35) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

36) Beer.

37) Test drive car.

38) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

39) Car gets impounded.

40) Call loving wife, make bail.

41) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

 

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

 

But, you know the job was done right!

 

 

 

 

 

[Joe P]

Good one, Tom! I enjoyed that!

[ITGITC]

Good one, Tom! I enjoyed that!

 

Great!

 

I figure if I throw enough schtuff up against the wall, some of it will stick.

 

 

[ITGITC]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

 

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

 

Everything is riding on this question...will you go for it?'

Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

 

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

 

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

 

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple.......it's a cuckoo.'

 

'Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure.'

 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

 

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

 

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

 

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

 

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock.'

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

What NOT to eat...