OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[MidLifeCrisis]

We are in trouble..

 

The population of this country is 300 million.

 

 

 

160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.

 

 

 

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

 

 

 

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work.

 

 

 

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

 

 

 

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

 

 

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

 

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

 

 

 

 

You and me..

 

 

And there you are,

 

 

 

Sitting on your ***,

 

 

 

At your computer,

 

 

 

reading jokes..

 

 

Nice. Real nice.

 

[Axe L]

I would think most people didnt catch this obscure piano reference

 

http://www.hulu.com/watch/115027/family-guy-lap-dance#s-p1-sr-i1

You mean piano man reference?

[Axe L]

A blonde and a brunette secretary are at work, their desks facing each other. The brunette can tell the blonde is not well. She asks, "What's wrong honey, you look miserable; is it that time of the month?"

 

"No," replies the blonde, "just a massive headache. I don't know what to do, I took 4 Tylenols without luck."

 

The brunette confides, "Look, I'll let you in on a little secret of mine: when I have a migraine, I go home for lunch, and give my husband a blow job. That takes care of it!"

 

"Really?" says the blonde? "Yeah," the brunette replies, "you should try it; works every time!"

 

The blonde says alright, puts on her coat, grabs her purse, and heads out. She returns two hours later, visibly a different person. The brunette asks "So, did I tell you right, or what?"

 

The blonde goes "Oh, my God, you are so right; it cleared it right out!" She pauses, as if remembering a detail, then smiles and comments,"By the way, I really like how the curtains in your living room match with your sofa!"

[ITGITC]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

 

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 

WITNESS: My name is Susan

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

WITNESS: Yes...

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 

WITNESS: Getting laid.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

 

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 

WITNESS: Oral.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No .

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

[The Real MC]

This husband forgot Valentine Day and the wife was furious.

 

She told him in no uncertain terms that tomorrow morning she expects a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in less than ten seconds - AND IT BETTER BE THERE.

 

Next morning the husband leaves early. Later that morning the wife awakes and is perplexed as she looks out the window and spots a small gift-wrapped box in the driveway. So she puts on a robe and brings the box in the house to open it.

 

And inside the box is a brand new bathroom scale.

[Dave Bryce]

A lookout on a battleship spies a light off his starboard bow. The captain tells him to signal the other vessel, "Advise you change course 20 degrees immediately".

 

The response comes back "Advise you change course 20 degrees immediately."

 

The captain is ticked off. He signals, "I am a captain! We are on a collision course. Alter your course 20 degrees now!"

 

The answer comes back, "I am a seaman second class, and I strongly urge you to alter your course 20 degrees".

 

Now, the captain is furious. He signals, "I am a battleship!!!!"

 

The answer comes back, "I am a lighthouse."

 

dB

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

 

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

 

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

A Blonde's Year in Review

 

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

 

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...

Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in printer!!!

 

March

Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...

Box said '2-4 years!'

 

April

Trapped on escalator for hours...

Power went out!!!

 

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions...

8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

 

June

Tried to go water skiing...

Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

 

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition...

Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

 

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm...

Car swamped because soft-top was open.

 

September

The capital of California is 'C' ...isn't it???

 

October

Hate M & M's...

They are so hard to peel.

 

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

 

December

Couldn't call 911.

'Duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

 

__________________________________________________

 

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

 

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

 

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

 

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

 

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

 

Dear Dogs and Cats:

 

 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

 

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

 

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

 

 

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

 

(1) They live here. You don't.

 

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

 

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

 

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

 

(1) eat less,

 

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

 

(3) are easier to train,

 

(4) normally come when called,

 

(5) never ask to drive the car,

 

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

 

(7) don't smoke or drink,

 

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

 

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

 

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

 

(11) best of all - if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

FAR AWAY PLACES

 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?"

 

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

 

 

CAR TROUBLE

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

 

She says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

 

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

 

 

SPEEDING TICKET

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence.

 

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

 

 

RIVER WALK

 

 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

 

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

 

 

KNITTING

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

 

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

 

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

 

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

 

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

 

 

IN A VACUUM

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

 

 

 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

 

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond... "They're watch dogs!"

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

 

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

 

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl - the biggest sporting event in the world - and not use it?"

 

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away... This Is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[linwood]

Not really funny, but still....

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/world/asia/07karaoke.html

[ITGITC]

Not really funny, but still....

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/world/asia/07karaoke.html

 

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2010/02/07/world/07karaoke_CA1/07karaoke_CA1-popup.jpg

 

A karaoke machine outside a house in Pasig city, east of the capital, Manila.

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules..'

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

 

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was agolf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

 

 

 

Today you voted.'

 

[ITGITC]

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I wasnt speeding.

 

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

 

Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

 

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

 

Two weeks later, I recd five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 

 

You can't fix stupid.

 

 

[JeffLearman]

Finally: a job I qualify for:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/11/the-13-funniest-help-want_n_493654.html?alacarte=1#s60581

 

 

[DanL]

HER DIARY

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are on someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HIS DIARY

 

My Motorcycle wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

[lerber3]

Wisdom of Robert A. Heinlein

 

- Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.

- Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds.

- Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.

- No intelligent man has any respect for an unjust law.

- A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an "intellectual"- find out how he feels about astrology.

- Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.

- The hardest part of gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche.

- Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.

- If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course!

- Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; its more sanitary.

- The three-legged stool of understanding is held up by history, languages, and mathematics. Equipped with these three you can learn anything you want to learn. But if you lack any one of them you are just another ignorant peasant with dung on your boots.

- To get anywhere, or even to live a long time, a man has to guess, and guess right, over and over again, without enough data for a logical answer.

- To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

- Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense.

- There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.

- Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

- Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

- In a society in which it is a moral offense to be different from your neighbor your only escape is never to let them find out.

- Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

- An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

- The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

- The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire.

- Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence.

- Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.

- Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

- Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well.

- If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.

- One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

- If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.

- Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

- Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing, with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.

- Belief gets in the way of learning.

- Humans hardly ever learn from the experience of others. They learn - when they do, which isn't often - on their own, the hard way.

- No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.

- One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.

- "Supernatural" is a null word.

- It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

[lerber3]

And now for something completely different:

 

What's long and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick.

[JpScoey]

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

 

'Did you help him?' she asks.

 

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!'

 

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

 

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

 

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

 

[bluzeyone]

One I heard today at a gig. Its "festive". What is Irish and stays out all night?

 

Patty'O furniture.

[ITGITC]

Love The Irish

 

 

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday

for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

 

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest..

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he

had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

 

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little

woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

 

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

 

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,

but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his

body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket

broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and

looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

 

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he

could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at

him from across the room.

 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

 

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

 

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom

of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but

mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!

 

 

 

Erin Go Bragh!

 

 

 

 

[JpScoey]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

 

"I almost had an affair with another woman".

 

The priest said, ''What do you mean, almost''?

 

The Irishman said, ''Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.''

 

The priest said, ''Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

 

You're not to see that woman again.

 

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box''

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him,

 

saying ''I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box''.

 

The Irishman replied, ''Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you,

 

that's the same as putting it in''

 

[ITGITC]

A listing of the world's worst passwords.

 

How many of these have YOU used?

 

KLONK HERE

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/153147/thumbs/s-IRONIC-SIGNS-large.jpg

 

 

 

[kanker.]

A listing of the world's worst passwords.

 

How many of these have YOU used?

 

KLONK HERE

 

heh - Yamaha is on the list

[StanC]

[quote=kanker

heh - Yamaha is on the list

 

Yeah I noticed that too. Have I used it? yeah of course!

[linwood]

[video:youtube]

[Mark Zeger]

Three guys are getting drunk in a bar. Bartender says "Guys, it's Easter. What are you doing here?"

 

First one says, "Oh, yeah, Easter. That's when the family gets together, eats a big turkey dinner and watches football."

 

Second one says "No, that's Thanksgiving. Easter is about when Jesus was born, and we decorate a tree and give each other presents."

 

Third one says "No, that's Christmas. Easter is about when Jesus died. They took him off the cross and put him in a cave. After three days, he comes out of his cave and if he sees his shadow, there's 6 more weeks of winter."

 

[Chris Link]

Casey was down at the corner pub and won the prize in the "best toast" contest. All agreed that "May I spend the rest of me life nestled between the legs of me wife" was the winner. In celebration, he stayed a couple hours and more than a couple of pints later than usual.

 

When he got home, Mary Katherine was not at all happy. He explained about the contest and all. His wife asked what this wonderous toast was and he started in "May I spend the rest of me life... sitting in church next to my wife." She thought this was very sweet and they went off to bed.

 

The next morning, one of Casey's pals runs into Mary Katherine at the market and asked with a grin if she had heard about Casey's great toast.

 

"Yes," she said "it was very sweet. But, you know, he's only been there twice in the last five years. One time, he fell asleep halfway through and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."