OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[JpScoey]

'

 

Do you ever get that feeling when you're half way through eating a horse,

 

& you think - "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was"

 

.

[The Real MC]

To the greatest drummer in the world...

 

In the summer of 1969, a mail sorter at a New York post office received a letter addressed "To The Greatest Drummer in the World." There was no address or return address and the sorter wasn't sure what to do.

 

Fortunately, there was a former drummer who worked the front counter of the Post Office who promptly found Max Roach's address and forwarded the letter. Max Roach received the letter and said, "Oh no, I'm not the greatest drummer in the world."

 

Max then promptly forwarded the letter to Gene Krupa, who said "Somebody must've made a mistake."

 

Gene then forwarded the letter on to Buddy Rich (known for his incredible ego and abuse of his band members for every little mistake they made).

 

Of course, Buddy had been waiting his entire life for that moment. He read the words "To The Greatest Drummer in the World" and smiled from ear-to-ear as he ripped open the envelope.

 

He began to read the letter, "Dear Ringo...."

[JpScoey]

Great quote,Mc...

 

Reminds me of the famous John Lennon quote -

 

Question (journalist) - "So is Ringo the best drummer in the world?"

 

Reply (Lennon) - "He's not the best drummer in the Beatles"

[linwood]

[video:youtube]

[Steve Force]

Tattoo from "Fantasy Island" was a drummer?

 

(RIP Hervé.... )

[linwood]

Yea, I figure he must be "the leader and the agent".

[kanker.]

[video:youtube]

That's the drummer you deserve when you use an X stand.

[allan_evett]

[video:youtube]

That's the drummer you deserve when you use an X stand.

 

 

The drummer was putting on quite a show of his own . I thought his head was about to fly off between 1:07 and 1:16.

 

The lead singer could be serious competition for Robo-hottie if she was using a Lucina AX-09...

[Morizzle]

Wow! Thank you for that video linwood. Made my week!

[gryphon]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

 

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 

"Yes I have," says the man.

 

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

 

"Yes" says the man.

 

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

 

"We're getting granite countertops...."

[gryphon]

At Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

 

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

 

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

[Mr. Nightime]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

 

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

Q. Where will the government get this money?

 

A. From taxpayers.

 

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

 

A. Only a smidgen of it.

 

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

 

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

 

A. Shut up.

 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

 

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka

 

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

 

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

 

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

 

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

 

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

Instead, keep the money in America by:

 

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

 

2) Going to ball games, or

 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

 

4) Beer or

 

5) Tattoos.

 

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

 

Conclusion:

 

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

 

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

[Ken Beaumont]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school

one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

 

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you

want to go for a ride?"

 

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

 

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

 

 

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm feeling generous today!

I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Calmly says.....

 

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley"! So ride it by yourself!

[ITGITC]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a grown man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. When I got there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

 

But enough about me... how's your day going?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The Real MC]

True story:

 

I write short SFW humor on my markerboard at work. It actually gets attention.

 

Somebody started their own on my markerboard, and each day there would be an exchange. This is how it wound up:

 

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to mix with it!

 

Try vodka

 

Too dry

 

Add ice!

 

Do you make the ice from the powdered water?

 

No, dry ice!

 

Word got around and I had people from all over the plant visiting my markerboard...

[The Real MC]

[video:youtube]XDsofUM4CTY

[JpScoey]

A bus stops at a bus station.

 

A train stops at a train station.

 

At home I have a workstation

 

 

 

 

[Jon May]

An oldie but...?

 

Q: If you weigh a whale at a Whale-weigh station, where do you weigh a pie??

 

A: Somewhere over the rainbow...

 

[ITGITC]

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Mogut]

OUch!

[Mike Warren]

 

My Blackberry Is Not Working:

 

[stillplaying]

How many characters in a Bruce Springsteen song does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One to change it, one to contemplate the dystopian reality of the American Dream now that his girlfriend is pregnant and the factory is closing, and one to drive his car round the streets late at night while demonstrating a rather cavalier attitude to road safety and the local speed limits.

[Zydecat]

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gifted!

[linwood]

Senior Texting:

 

 

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 

[J. Dan]

This one may hav already been on here....

 

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,

but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G

have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the

fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries

to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

 

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.

I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender

is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the

bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found

in this bar tonight."

 

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with

nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking

sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major

development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit

and everything else, and is au natural.

 

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's

under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of

contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced

to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional

facility.

[gryphon]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

 

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

 

The guy, clearly offended, replies, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

 

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

 

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

 

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[The Real MC]

What does a guitar player use for a contraceptive?

 

His personality.

[SK]

"So what do you do?"

 

"I work with the circus."

 

"Wow, I bet that's interesting. Traveling, seeing lots of interesting towns..."

 

"Well, we're on the train most of the time, so I don't have much time for sightseeing."

 

"Then you must meet a lot of interesting people."

 

"No, circus folks stay to themselves and hang out together. We don't meet many people."

 

"Well, I bet you get to meet a lot girls at the shows anyway."

 

"No, not really. Girls don't seem too interested in circuses."

 

"Then why don't you get another job!"

 

"What, and leave the entertainment industry?!?"

[gryphon]

I was in Costco the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a younger guy.

 

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a weird coincidence though because I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

 

I said, "It doesn't matter -- let's look for yours."

[Threadslayer]

"So what do you do?"

 

"I ."

 

"Wow, I bet that's interesting. Traveling, seeing lots of interesting towns..."

 

"Well, we're on the most of the time, so I don't have much time for sightseeing."

 

"Then you must meet a lot of interesting people."

 

"No, stay to themselves and hang out together. We don't meet many people."

 

"Well, I bet you get to meet a lot girls at the shows anyway."

 

"No, not really. Girls don't seem too interested in ."

 

"Then why don't you get another job!"

 

"What, and leave the entertainment industry?!?"

What can I say? Satan made me do it.