OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Ourumov]

Most of those creations look delicious. The egg on a stick.. less so. I can picture the pizza roll being a bunch of stoners looking through the fridge for things to add to pizza then EUREKA!

[ITGITC]

 

 

A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

 

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an International Cowboy Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

 

The loan officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

 

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.

 

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

 

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

 

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

 

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

 

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

 

The good 'ole Texas cowboy replied, "Well, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

 

[ITGITC]

Maxine on Retirement as a Wal-Mart Greeter

 

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive.

 

So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day......

 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote-ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

 

The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

 

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.

 

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 

 

My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

 

 

[Jason Stanfield]

This very prim and proper lady goes into a pet store, and see the most beautiful parrot she's ever seen. She asks the store manager how much, and he says "I can sell him for $10."

 

"Oh my, that's a wonderful price" the lady exclaimed. "I'll take him."

 

"There's a reason he's only $10. He was raised and taught to speak in a brothel, so his language is a bit....colorful"

 

The lady thought for a moment, and said "I'm a very devout Christian, and I believe there's good in every creature. I can change his language."

 

When she got the parrot home, he looked around and said "AWWWWK. New House, New Madam."

 

The lady admonished the bird, saying "That is improper language, and I will not have it in my home. I am the Missus and this is my home."

 

A bit later, the lady's two teenage daughters came home. The parrot saw them and said "AWWWWK. New House. New Madam, New Girls."

 

"No, No, No. That is not at all proper. These are not new girls. They are my daughters, and you will speak to them with respect."

 

Things went well for the next few hours, when the lady's husband came home. The parrot saw him and said " AWWWWK. New House. New Madam. New Girls. Hi Bob"

A variation of that joke:

 

A prim and lonely old lady buys a parrot at a pet store in spite of the owner's warning of its constant salty language, the former owner being a sailor.

 

The lady takes the parrot home, and the entire trip home, the parrot is squawking profanities with ballistic precision. When they arrive at home, the old lady admonished the bird and put him in her freezer to teach him a lesson.

 

When she opened the freezer door thirty minutes, she asks "Have you learned your lesson?"

 

The parrot, shivering uncontrollably, responds, "Y-y-y-y-yes."

 

"Are you going to curse again?"

 

"N-n-no ... b-b-b-but I have a q-q-q-question ..."

 

"What is it?" the old lady asks.

 

"What d-d-did the t-t-turkey do?"

[ITGITC]

 

Ummmmmm, you may have heard this before...

 

But I don't care.

 

 

 

Best Joke in Ireland 2008

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

 

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

 

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

 

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

 

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

 

Bartender... Another Guinness please - and a round for The Keyboard Corner - It's FRIDAY!

 

http://www.sprintusers.com/wallpapers/uploadedfiles/051307Guinness.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ProfD]

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

 

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

 

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

 

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

 

When she stood up she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

 

The mechanic, however, had to have eleven stitches in his forehead.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Results of a recent survey shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

 

> The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

 

>* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and

you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

 

>

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

 

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

 

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in

your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

 

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

 

>

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

 

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at Night. (Very Popular)

 

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

 

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 

And; Last, but not least The 7th kind of sex is called:

Social Security Sex.

 

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Subject: Senior Citizens....

 

 

 

Elderly John was invited to Mark's home (his old friend) for dinner one evening. John was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Cookie, Pumpkin, etc.

 

The couple had been married almost 65 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While Mark's wife was in the kitchen, John leaned over to Mark and said,I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' Old Mark hung his head. 'John, I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

two Meanings

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female....... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

 

He said . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

 

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

 

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . . . A widow.

 

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

What the hell, here's one more most of us can relate to.

 

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':

 

3% liked the warmth.

 

4% enjoyed the sensation.

 

93% appreciated the silence.

[ITGITC]

 

From a friend of mine in the USAF:

 

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.

 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was work, and how much of it was pleasure?

 

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

 

A captain said it was 50-50%.

 

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.

 

What was HIS opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

 

The room fell silent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SK]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

 

"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

 

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

 

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

[ITGITC]

Apple

 

The building was evacuated lest anyone get tempted to snort anything...

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

THE IRS & THE RABBI

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

 

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

 

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

 

"Oh." replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, and asked. "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

 

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

 

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete d*ck."

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

GUN CONTROL

 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

 

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, times up?"

 

________________________________________

 

 

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

 

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

 

Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk.

 

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesnt even know Im gonna to shoot him!"

________________________________________

 

 

[ITGITC]

Are you a doctor?

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.

 

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

 

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

 

[ITGITC]

Twice Every Few Months

 

After his baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

 

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

 

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

 

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

 

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Twice Every Few Months

 

After his baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

 

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

 

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

 

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

 

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Summer Classes for Men at

THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Friday, August 17 th 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

 

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

 

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

 

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

 

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

 

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video .

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

 

 

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

 

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

 

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

 

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

 

 

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

 

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

 

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

 

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[SilverDragonSoun]

Dear Tech Support,

 

 

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5..0

to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system

performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,

which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

 

 

In addition, husband 1.0 uninstalled

many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5,and Personal Attention

6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0,

and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning

2..6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix

these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

 

 

 

Signed, Desperate Operator

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Desperate Operator,

 

 

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an

Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please

enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to

download Tears 62 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If

that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

 

 

But, remember, overuse of the above

application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,

Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will

download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

 

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install

Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will

eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not

attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 Program. These are unsupported

applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

 

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great

program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new

applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to

improve memory and performance. We Recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie

7.7.0

 

 

 

Good Luck,

 

 

 

Tech Support

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

An oldie but a good one.

 

 

The Sensitive Man

 

 

A woman meets a man in a bar.

 

 

 

 

They talk; they connect; they end

Up leaving together.

 

 

 

 

They get back to his place,

 

 

 

 

and as he shows her around his

Apartment.

 

She notices that one wall of his

Bedroom is

 

 

 

Completely filled with soft, sweet,

Cuddly teddy bears.

 

 

 

There are three shelves in the

Bedroom,

 

 

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

 

 

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

 

 

It was obvious that he had taken

Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

 

 

And she was immediately touched

 

 

By the amount of thought he had

Put into organizing the display.

 

 

 

There were small bears all along

The bottom shelf,

 

 

 

Medium-sized bears covering the

Length of the middle shelf,

 

And huge, enormous bears running

All the way along the top shelf.

 

 

She found it strange for an

Obviously masculine guy

 

 

To have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears,

 

 

She is quite impressed by his

Sensitive side.

 

 

But doesn't mention this to him.

 

They share a bottle of wine and

Continue talking and,

 

 

After awhile, she finds herself

Thinking,

 

 

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy

Could be the one!

 

 

Maybe he could be the future

Father of my children?'

 

She turns to him and kisses him

Lightly on the lips

 

 

 

He responds warmly.

 

 

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

 

And he romantically lifts her in

His arms and carries her into his bedroom

 

 

Where they rip off each other's

Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

 

She is so overwhelmed that she

Responds with more passion,

 

More creativity, more heat than she

Has ever known.

 

After an intense, explosive night

Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

 

They are lying there together in

The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently

Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

 

'Well,how was it?'

 

The guy gently smiles at her,

 

 

Strokes her cheek,

 

Looks deeply into her eyes,

 

And says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Help yourself to any prize from the

 

middle shelf'

 

[Threadslayer]

I'll confess that i haven't taken the time to read all 26 pages of this thread, so if somebody already posted this one - my bad.

 

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?

 

A: You put a sheet of music in front of him!

 

 

[Threadslayer]

A Chinese fellow is making his first trip abroad and is in California. He stops at a bank to exchange some Chinese currency for dollars. The teller counts out his money. After a few days, he is need of more cash and returns to the bank. This time he is given a slightly different lesser amount of dollars.

 

"Wait", he says angrily, "last time I got more than fifty dollars. You trying to cheat me!"

 

The teller explains that the exchange rate has changed and that the same amount of Chinese money is now only worth $49, but the Chinese man continues to loudly complain. The teller is attempting in vain to explain the reason.

 

"Well, you see, the currencies' value changes from day to day and I look up the rate for today. You know... the exchange rate. Umm, what's the word, you know... flucuation"

 

The Chinese man now looks really angry. "Flucuation? Flucuation? Well, I say Fluck you Amelican!"

 

 

I work with a Chinese scientist and every time he gives a report showing graphs of data he talks about 'fluctuations' and I always think of this dammned joke...

[Chris Link]

I work with a Chinese scientist and every time he gives a report showing graphs of data he talks about 'fluctuations' and I always think of this dammned joke...

 

Now that's a funny story! Glad to be of service.

[ITGITC]

 

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at K-mart for my dog, Cady.

 

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

 

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

K-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at K-mart for my dog, Cady.

 

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

 

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

K-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funny!!

[SilverDragonSoun]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

 

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged....

 

Shooting him in the genitals.

 

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

 

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

 

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

 

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

 

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

 

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.

 

'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

 

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[SilverDragonSoun]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..

 

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

 

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

 

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,

voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

 

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

[linwood]

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1unXXB17O6o