OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[SilverDragonSoun]

They walk among us...

 

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.

She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

 

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'.

She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

 

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?

 

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

 

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

 

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

 

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

 

They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, and Worst of all ............

 

THEY VOTE

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

The Pastor's Ass

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey

 

that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

 

The local paper read:

 

 

 

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that

 

he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 

The next day, the local paper headline read:

 

 

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S ASS.

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

 

 

 

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

 

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she woul d have to get rid of the donkey,

 

so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

 

 

 

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

 

This was too much for the bishop,

 

so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey

 

and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

 

The next day the ad lines read:

 

 

 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

 

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

 

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Think before you speak...

 

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak .

 

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned , and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decide d to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an acc ident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks

and yelled

'SEE MOM , IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

 

[Chris Link]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

 

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

 

[ITGITC]

Kids on Marriage and Dating.......

 

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?(written by kids)

 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan , age 10

 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen , age 10

 

 

 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille , age 10

 

 

 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick , age 8

 

 

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

 

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori , age 8

 

 

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette , age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin , age 10

 

 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

 

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig , age 9

 

 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

 

When they're rich.

-- Pam , age 7

 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt , age 7

 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard , age 8

 

 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

 

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita , age 9 (bless you child)

 

 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8 ( just LOVE this one)

 

 

And the #1 Favorite is...

 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

-- Ricky , age 10

 

 

 

 

[Chris Link]

I'll put this here and hope not to get banninated for political stuff. Our local medical society does a gridiron show with some spoof songs on hospital CEOs, politicians, insurance companies, the economy, different specialities, etc. A lot of it is "inside baseball", but some of the tunes appeal to a general audience. The show is a lot of fun and raises money for the society's charitable foundation.

 

And is an excellent excuse to get together and drink beer during the writing sessions and rehearsals.

 

Here is a song I did to "One" from A Chorus Line. The italicized lines are to be done by a stand-in for President Obama doing a sort of halfsinging like Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.

 

One single payor system thats what we intend to get

One single payor system perhaps not all of it yet

Its something that Bill and Hillary could not do

Well just abolish illness under you-know-who

 

One single payor system everybody gets their share

But well never have to ration care, no way son

Hell, folks if he can heal the planet

Disease, well, well simply have to ban it

Cause hes the one

 

One single payor system like our neighbors the Canucks

One single payor system but ours will be real deluxe

In one fell swoop were solving the health care crunch

Whos says that we dont believe that theres no free lunch

 

One single payor system lets do it for Uncle Ted

Dont believe the stuff you read, no way son

This is change you can believe in

Trust me, you know we aint deceiving

Cause hes the one.

 

One single payor system might be kinda tough to sell

One single payor system wont leave it up to Michelle

My fellow Americans you can calm your fears

And Ill get coverage that will fix my ears

 

One single payor system covers all your healthcare needs

Just like Brits or Swedes or Dutch cause its so fair

But it sounds a little socialistic

This pig is gonna need some lipstick

Obama-care

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

Pregnant Blonde

 

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her..

 

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

 

I said, 'Great! Tell me why you're so happy.'

 

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.

 

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

 

And then she said, 'There's more!'

 

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'

 

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

 

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

 

She said...

 

 

(You're going to love this!)

 

 

Wait for it...

 

 

 

 

 

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-PACK...

 

Both tests came out positive!'

 

 

(oh bruttah)

 

 

 

 

 

[linwood]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_u35sHICjE

[SK]

Yeah Linwood. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

[SilverDragonSoun]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_u35sHICjE

 

Reminds me of when I was 19, smoking the wacky tabbacky and went to see the grateful dead for the first time.

[SilverDragonSoun]

With the economy the way it is:

 

Revised meaning of stock investment terms:

 

 

 

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 

 

 

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

 

 

 

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

 

 

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry

 

 

 

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

 

 

 

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

 

 

 

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

 

 

 

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

 

 

 

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A person whose phone has been disconnected.

 

 

 

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

 

 

 

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

 

 

 

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

 

 

 

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

 

 

 

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

 

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

 

 

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

 

 

There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

 

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

 

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.

 

Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

 

And what is that?' asked the priest.

 

Should I tell her the war is over?

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

 

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

 

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered '1 '

ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Saturday sports It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Pea ch, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby or cricket.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like

camping.

 

[wmp]

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

There's a sign in my bathroom that says, "If you're too stupid to look, you get what you deserve."

 

 

[marino]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

Hey, Rimini is where my *whole* family comes from. And this is *exactly* the kind of humour that the people from that area like to show!

 

 

[ADino]

When primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice?? And if it doesn't, how do they know they did the dance correctly??

[Bill Heins]

Cop pulls a man over and tells him "Your eyes look glassy, have you been drinking?" The man looks the officer in the face and says "Your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

Bill

[wmp]

They just love that kind of talk.

 

judge: I continue this case without a finding for one year.

 

defendant: Your Honor, I'd like a finding.

 

judge: I just continued this case without a finding.

 

defendant: We both know you can't do that if I want a finding.

 

judge: (ripping mad) Then I'll find you guilty. Then what are going to do?

 

defendant: Appeal it to Superior Court.

 

judge: What do you think you'll get in Superior Court.

 

defendant: A little less bullshit than Inferior Court.

 

That was worth a little time in the penalty box.

 

 

[ITGITC]

The Perfect Husband

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench

rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to

talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much"

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009

CES - They have the one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is

back on the market. They`re asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a

pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I`ll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "I love you, too, Bye."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in

astonishment, mouths agape..... Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know who

this phone belongs to?"

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

WARNING!

 

A new scam has developed targeting men who shop at Home Depot on a regular basis.

 

Here's how it works:

 

Two seriously good-looking women in their mid-twenties come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windshield while their proud puppies nearly falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

 

It is impossible not to look.

 

When you thank them and offer a tip, they decline and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

 

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. One climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

 

Also January 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to beware.

 

Tom

 

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each... I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.

 

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BluesKeys]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

 

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

 

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

 

Two lessons here: 1. Men never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think

[J. Dan]

New Element Discovered

 

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

 

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

[ITGITC]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-your-cat-can-play-one-song-on-the-piano.jpg

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a

>> restaurant one morning.

>> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she

>> said, ''Mabel, do you

>> know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

>> > >

>> > > Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my

>> ear?'

>> > >

>> > > She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she

>> said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you

>> saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing

>> aid.'

[SilverDragonSoun]

When the husband finally died his wife put the

>> usual death notice in the

>> paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were

>> the papers

>> delivered when a friend of the family phoned and

>> complained bitterly, 'You know

>> very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

>> > >

>> > > Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and

>> day so of course I know he

>> died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for

>> posterity to remember

>> him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always

>> was.'

>> > >

[SilverDragonSoun]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who

>> has just passed away. At

>> the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the

>> casket out when

>> they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

>> They hear a faint moan.

>> They open the casket and find that the woman is actually

>> alive! She lives

>> for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony

>> is held, and at the

>> end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the

>> casket. As they carry

>> the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

>> 'Watch that wall!'

[SilverDragonSoun]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old

>> lady sitting on a park

>> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what

>> was wrong. She said, 'I

>> have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me

>> every morning and then

>> gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and

>> freshly ground

>> coffee.'

>> > >

>> > > I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

>> > >

>> > > She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for

>> lunch and my favorite brownies

>> and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

>> (scoll)

>> > >

>> > > I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

>> > >

>> > > She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet

>> meal with wine and my

>> favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

>> '

>> > >

>> > > I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be

>> crying?'

>> > >

>> > > She said, 'I can't remember where I

>> live!'

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many

>> decades. Over the years

>> they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

>> Lately, their activities

>> had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play

>> cards.

>> > >

>> > > One day they were playing cards when one looked

>> at the other and said,

>> 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been

>> friends for a long time.....but I

>> just can't think of your name! I've thought and

>> thought, but I can't remember

>> it. Please tell me what your name is.'

>> > >

>> > > Her friend glared at her. For at least three

>> minutes she just stared and

>> glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need

>> to know?'

[ITGITC]

 

 

 

The minister at a rural church was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

 

He became annoyed when he discovered that the regular organist for the Sunday service was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

 

The substitute wanted to know what hymns to play.

 

'Here's a copy of the service,' the minister said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'

 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, I have good news and bad news."

 

"The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building repairs."

 

"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

 

"Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

 

At that moment, the substitute organist pulled out all the stops, stepped on the swell pedal, and broke into a rousing rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner.'

 

And THAT is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 

[linwood]

http://www.expertvillage.com/video/92033_piano-jazz-five-four.htm