OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[ITGITC]

 

 

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

 

Dear Al,

 

I hope you can help me.

 

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.

 

My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

 

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

 

Amy

 

----------

 

Dear Amy,

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

 

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

 

If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

 

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

I hope this helps,

 

Al

 

[Joe P]

Reminds me of a story.

 

I was telling my wife how my golf buddy met a girl on-line out in Michigan and would drive out there from Jersey every weekend. He was cheap so he bought a car with high gas mileage specifically for the purpose. My wife asked "Did it last?". I said, "No, he ended up blowing the trans." She said, "I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!"

 

[kanker.]

Reminds me of a story.

 

I was telling my wife how my golf buddy met a girl on-line out in Michigan and would drive out there from Jersey every weekend. He was cheap so he bought a car with high gas mileage specifically for the purpose. My wife asked "Did it last?". I said, "No, he ended up blowing the trans." She said, "I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!"

and the husband replies "So was I...."

 

[Dana.]

http://www.zwixy.com/images/1612686471253290694452.jpg

[Joe P]

Reminds me of a story.

 

I was telling my wife how my golf buddy met a girl on-line out in Michigan and would drive out there from Jersey every weekend. He was cheap so he bought a car with high gas mileage specifically for the purpose. My wife asked "Did it last?". I said, "No, he ended up blowing the trans." She said, "I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!"

and the husband replies "So was I...."

 

Awful.

[wmp]

Awful.

Agreed.

[ITGITC]

D-Bon... your joke is gross.

 

Ummmm, I really liked it.

[Dana.]

It's so wrong, and yet so funny.

[Chris Link]

Here's one posted by Kanker on another thread that some of you may have missed:

 

Q: How many female singers does it take to do "My Funny Valentine?"

 

A: Apparently, all of them.

[ITGITC]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two Blondes With Hammers...

 

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

 

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

 

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

 

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

 

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

You might have to think twice about this one.

 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

 

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

 

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

 

'So then?' asked the doctor.

 

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

 

'So then?'

 

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

 

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

 

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

 

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

 

+++++++++++++

 

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

 

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

 

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

 

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

 

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

 

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

 

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

 

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

 

 

[Dave Horne]

While looking up information regarding Bob Hope I came across the following which I thought funny and classic ...

 

From Wiki ....

 

On July 27, 2003, Bob Hope died at his home in Toluca Lake at 9:28 p.m. According to one of Hope's daughters, when asked on his deathbed where he wanted to be buried, he told his wife, "Surprise me."

[StanC]

 

People send this stuff to me.

 

I figure that it just wouldn't be right for me not to share it with all of you...

 

 

=======

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 

So they enjoy a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards . . .

 

 

 

Speaking of gross jokes, I thought this one ended like this:

 

. . . they end up having sex at her place and during that she removes her glass eye for him to . . well you know. After which he says, Wow that was incredible. That has to have been the best orgasm I ever had! Ill be passing through town again next week, can I see you again? And she says:

>

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>Sure Ill keep an eye out for you!

 

[BlackandWhite]

Two girlfriends - a blonde and a brunette - meet downtown for lunch. As they walk out of the restaurant, the brunette spots her boyfriend across the street leaving the floral shop with a large bouquet of flowers. "Oh, no! Not flowers again from Tom," she exclaims.

 

"What's wrong," asks the blonde, "don't you enjoy receiving flowers?" to which she replies, "Yes, but I don't feel like spending the next three days flat on my back, naked, with my feet in the air."

 

Blondie thinks for a second, then replies, "Don't you have a vase?"

[ITGITC]

Tiger Woods. You KNEW the jokes were coming...

 

In my email this morning, first I get this one:

 

Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?

A: They went clubbing.

===========================

 

And right on its heels I get this one:

 

I heard hes changing his name to Cheetah.

 

===========================

 

Oh Bruttah.

 

[Threadslayer]

Tiger Woods. You KNEW the jokes were coming...

 

In my email this morning, first I get this one:

 

Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?

A: They went clubbing.

===========================

 

And right on its heels I get this one:

 

I heard hes changing his name to Cheetah.

 

===========================

 

Oh Bruttah.

 

And, on top of all that, now he needs a new Caddy!

[Phred]

What's the difference between a car and a Golf ball?

 

Tiger can drive the golf ball 400 yards.

[Dave Horne]

I saw this at a Buddy Hackett page ...

 

My wife said to me, I want to be cremated. I said, How about Tuesday?

[ITGITC]

[Chris Link]

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and a baby seal?

 

A: Nothing. Neither can drive a car and they both get clubbed by a Scandinavian.

 

[allan_evett]

And now, a brief intermission during the Tiger Woods humor fest:

 

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender turns, looks at the horse and asks: " Hey buddy, why the long face ?"

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

A horse walks into a bar... *ouch*

[MidLifeCrisis]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

 

'Jesus knows you're here.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

 

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

 

'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Joe Muscara]

California's turn... So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if:

 

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

 

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

 

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

 

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

 

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

 

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

 

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

 

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

 

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

 

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

 

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

 

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

 

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

 

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

 

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

 

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

 

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

 

18..... Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

 

19... The Terminator is your governor.

 

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[Chris Link]

A horse walks into a bar... *ouch*

 

I really like this one, but does this makes a little more sense?

 

A blind man walks into a bar.... *OUCH!*

[The Real MC]

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs? Eileen.

 

What do you call a japanese girl WNAANL? Irene.

 

A man WNAANL floating in the water? Bob.

 

A man WNAANL at the door? Matt.

 

A man WNAANL hanging on the wall? Art.

 

A man WNAANL in a dirty movie? Dick.

 

A man WNAANL in a recording studio? Mike.

 

A cat with no legs? Furball.

 

A dog with no legs? Nothing, he won't come anyway.

[Mogut]

I would think most people didnt catch this obscure piano reference

 

http://www.hulu.com/watch/115027/family-guy-lap-dance#s-p1-sr-i1

 

[Threadslayer]

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs? Eileen.

 

What do you call a japanese girl WNAANL? Irene.

 

A man WNAANL floating in the water? Bob.

 

A man WNAANL at the door? Matt.

 

A man WNAANL hanging on the wall? Art.

 

A man WNAANL in a dirty movie? Dick.

 

A man WNAANL in a recording studio? Mike.

 

A cat with no legs? Furball.

 

A dog with no legs? Nothing, he won't come anyway.

 

A man WNAANL in a pile of leaves? Russell

 

A man WNAANL water skiing? Skip

 

A man WNAANL on a baseball diamond? 2nd base

[ITGITC]

Subject: Little Johnny

 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turned around, "NOW WHO SAID THAT!"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

 

 

[Eric Jx]

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

 

 

Santa stops at 3 ho's.

[Joe Muscara]

THESE REALLY WORK!!  I checked this out on Snopes and its for real!

 

Amazing simple home remedies:

 

 

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.