OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[gangsu]

Just wow.

[Leberwurst]

now that's something for dem woman posters

[SilverDragonSoun]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

 

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

 

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

 

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

 

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

 

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

 

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

 

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

 

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

 

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

 

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

 

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

 

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

 

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

 

New Rule:

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

 

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

 

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

 

[Andre Lower]

OK, since we are on to Indian jokes, here goes my humble contribution: The young Patawan was listening to the great chief description of the standard indian naming process. "...and once the baby is born, I bless him with my holy stick, repeat the magic chant three times and leave the tent with my back to the sun. The baby gets its name from the first thing chief sees upon leaving the tent. In your brother's birth it was a soaring eagle, which explains why his name is Soaring Eagle. Your sister is Morning Mist because that's what I saw upon leaving the tent when she was born. Now, I understand that as a youngster you are entitled to defy and challenge traditions, but what is the problem with Farting Dog anyway?"

[BluesKeys]

Once there was a Norwegian named Ole who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"I need to buy some boards there, Sven."

"How long you want 'em, Ole?"

"Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."

And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No, it's because you're NINETEEN."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone."

And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

 

And Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?"

And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."

 

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.

"Yup, and they're boat for sale."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Hello? Funeral home?"

"Yes?"

"It's Ole. My wife Lena died."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?"

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

"Can you spell that for me?"

"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?"

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help."

 

---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help."

 

"No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY!

You've been making jokes about us Norwegian people enough! Cut it out!"

And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"

And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"

Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The pastor at Sven and Ole's church was giving a rousing heaven or hell sermon one Sunday. At the end, minister commands "Whoever wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everyone except Sven and Ole stand. The pastor walks over to them, looks them directly in the eye and asks "Why don't Sven and Ole want to go to heaven?"

Sven answers, "Oh, ve vant to go to heaven. But ve taught you were taking a load up right now and ve aren't ready yet."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A couple was looking through their new home with Ole the contractor, picking out wall colors for the various rooms. They went into the living room first, said they'd like to have it in a pale green. Ole wrote something down on a pad, then went to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop!"

They went on into the kitchen, where the couple chose a light clay color for the room. Again the Ole wrote something on a pad, went to the window, and yelled " Gren sida oop!"

 

This continued from room to room, upstairs and downstairs - all through the house until they were finished. Finally, the husband couldn't contain himself any longer, he had to find out what was going on.

 

"I'm confused," he said. "Every room we've gone to, we've picked out a particular room color, you've written on a pad, then gone to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop! Now, I know a little Swedish and we didn't choose green in any room. What's going on?"

 

"Oh!", said Ole, "I've got Sven out der layin' sod for me."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So, Sven and Ole are bungee-jumping one day. Sven says to OLe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able catch him, Sven falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

 

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

 

Sven says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven said.

"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.

 

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily. He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.

 

"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.

 

Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

 

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever. He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent. He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

 

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

 

Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did you know I'm a Svede?"

 

"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been.

Ole: "Getting a haircut."

Boss: "On company time?"

Ole: "It grew on company time."

Boss: "Not all of it."

Ole: "I didn't get it all cut off."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

 

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

I like this one:

 

A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Maria put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not

fascinating'. Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see los

pyramids and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Pepito said, 'My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher cried.

[SilverDragonSoun]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just

HATE drawing

welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

 

 

 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of

your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday

trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be

provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is

$200,000 a year."

 

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

2008 Tax Code

 

 

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

 

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

 

The brackets are as follows:

 

10 - 12'' Luxury Tax $300.00

8 - 10'' Pole Tax $250.00

5 - 8'' Privilege Tax $150.00

3 - 5'' Nuisance Tax $30.00

 

Males exceeding 12'' must file capital gains.

 

Anyone under 4'' is eligible for a tax refund.

 

 

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

 

[ITGITC]

My Dad is 92 years young. Still got a sense of humor. So I sent him this.

 

=========

 

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice.

 

The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built, along with some picnic tables, and some apple and peach trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

 

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

 

Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

 

 

=======

 

[ITGITC]

 

Who is this man?

 

http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/bios/images/nez201.jpg

 

A) German Ambassador to the United States ?

B) Spokane, Washington serial killer?

C) Announced Presidential candidate in 08?

D) CEO of Haliburton?

 

 

The answer is:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

None of the above

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Nesmith of The Monkees

 

http://www.bigtakeover.com/images/475.jpg

 

 

 

True dat!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

The Dead Cow and Vet School

 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.

 

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

 

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

Aggies. :shakes head:

[SilverDragonSoun]

> Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up

> with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye

> Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She

> replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee

> little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well

> now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer

> hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

>

> Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan ,

> how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father

> asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes,

> Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said,

> 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

> She replied, 'E's gone

> to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[SilverDragonSoun]

These jokes are meant to be funny and they are stereotypical. It is not my intention to offend anyone but rather make us laugh.

 

LET ' S OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

 

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

 

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong

 

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment

 

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?

A. They're hiring

 

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

 

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

 

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the & F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

 

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.!

 

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .

 

 

 

[delirium]

2008 Tax Code

 

 

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

 

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

 

The brackets are as follows:

 

10 - 12'' Luxury Tax $300.00

8 - 10'' Pole Tax $250.00

5 - 8'' Privilege Tax $150.00

3 - 5'' Nuisance Tax $30.00

 

Males exceeding 12'' must file capital gains.

 

Anyone under 4'' is eligible for a tax refund.

 

 

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

 

:grin:

good to be a woman after all :grin:

[Chris Link]

These jokes are meant to be funny and they are stereotypical. It is not my intention to offend anyone but rather make us laugh.

 

LET ' S OFFEND EVERYONE

 

 

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

A: Eileen

 

Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?

A: Irene

[linwood]

Once Upon a Time

 

One day a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But it was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

 

The End

 

 

[StanC]

You know you're too old to play gigs when:

 

 

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan

than your amp

 

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round

of golf.

 

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

 

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub

 

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most

of your playlist

 

6. Instead of fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie

 

7. You lost the directions to the gig

 

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings

 

9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage

 

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

 

11. The waitress is your daughter

 

12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers

 

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats

 

14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar

case

 

15. You refuse to play without earplugs

 

16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30

 

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig

 

18. Your gig stool has a back

 

19. You're related to at least one member in the band

 

20. You don't let any one sit in

 

21. You need a nap before the gig

 

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

 

23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down

 

24. You prefer a music stand with a light

 

25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon

 

26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.

 

27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool

factor.

 

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're

younger than your daughter.

 

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location

 

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs

in 7 days ... *and* could physically do it.

 

[Joe P]

Once Upon a Time

 

One day a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But it was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

 

The End

 

 

Classic!

[Chris Link]

Recently I was asked to run a marathon.

 

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

 

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

 

Then I thought........

 

 

 

F*ck...I could win this.......!

[Dave Horne]

I was looking for something on my computer and stumbled across this list. (A friend sent this to my old compuserve address.)

 

100 Reasons Why It's Good To Be a Guy

(from MAXIM Magazine)

 

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. You don't have to shave below the neck.

35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president (in this lifetime).

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

51. Fore play is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time!

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

69. Same work...more pay!

70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress: $2000; tuxedo rental: $75.

73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' deserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend that you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

90. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch.

100. There's always a game on somewhere.

 

 

 

 

[SK]

"Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe."

 

That might be my favorite, although he still manages to infiltrate the speakers at the grocery store.

[Gismo Recording]

Memorandum

 

To: ALL

From: NPS - Yellowstone

Date: Spring, 2008

Re: Visitor Safeguards & Security

 

The National Park Service is advising hikers to take

extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while

visiting Yellowstone's back country. They advise

people to wear noise-producing devices such as little

bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the

bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry

pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

 

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of

bear activity. People should be able to recognize

the difference between black and grizzly bear droppings:

 

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries

and possibly squirrel fur.

 

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell

like pepper spray.

 

[ITGITC]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following.

 

 

'YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF ...'

 

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

 

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

 

3. You have more wives than teeth.

 

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

 

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

 

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

 

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

 

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

 

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

 

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

 

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

 

 

[delirium]

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

oh come on, you don't have to be taliban to hit on goats,

it is very popular here in america...

 

http://www.norgeforge.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/goat-guy.jpg

[linwood]

[SilverDragonSoun]

Lesson 1:

 

 

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

 

 

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

Lesson 2:

 

 

 

 

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

Moral of the story:

 

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

 

Lesson 4

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

Lesson 5

 

 

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

 

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

 

Lesson 6

 

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

 

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

 

 

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

 

friend.

 

 

 

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

 

your mouth shut!

 

 

 

 

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Golf Club Sign

 

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

 

 

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

 

 

 

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

 

[ITGITC]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles in a year.

 

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

 

...makes you proud to be American.

 

 

 

[wmp]

True story. Too strange and too funny to keep to myself.

 

A friend of mine went to court yesterday to act as an interpreter for the guy who owns the corner gas station. My friend speaks no Arabic, but understands the guy's broken English and his problem. His problem is getting his crazy Apache wife into an alcohol treatment program against her wishes, which seem to be getting drunk and killing her husband.

 

So the attorney asks the shy old guy, "What happens when your wife drinks?"

 

The old man pauses, struggling to find the right words. His wife is glaring at him, her court appointed attorney is trying to keep her quiet. Just as he begins to speak, a bolt of lightning hit the courhouse knocking out power and shaking the building. When the battery powered emergency lights came on, my friend broke the silence in the courtroom by laughing hysterically.

 

She's enjoying her first full day of supervised court ordered sobriety.