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OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266314
03/07/06 03:24 AM
03/07/06 03:24 AM
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 1,424
Commerce Twp, MI,USA
Jazzman Offline OP
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Commerce Twp, MI,USA
Life is sometimes this way!!!!

There is a hole in me bucket dear liza dear liza, a hole in me bucket dear liza a hole.

Well fix it dear henry dear henry dear henry, well fix it dear henry dear henry well fix it!

With what shall I fix the hole with dear liza, with what shall I fix the hole with dear liza!

With straw, dear henry dear henry dear henry, with straw dear henry dear henry with straw!

The straw is too long dear liza dear liza, the straw is too long dear liza too long!

Well cut it dear henry dear henry dear henry, well cut it dear henry dear henry well cut it!

With what shall I cut the straw with dear liza, with what shall I cut the straw dear liza?

With an ax, dear henry dear henry dear henry, with an ax dear henry dear henry with an ax!

The ax is too dull dear liza dear liza, the ax is too dull dear liza to dull!

Well sharpen it, dear henry dear henry dear henry, well sharpen it dear henry dear henry well sharpen it!

But what shall I sharpen the ax with dear liza with what shall I sharpen the ax with dear liza?

With a stone dear henry dear henry dear henry, with a stone dear henry dear henry, with a stone!

But the stone is too dry dear liza dear liza, the stone is too dry dear liza too dry!

Well wet it dear henry dear henry dear henry, well wet it dear henry dear henry, well wet it!

With what shall I wet the stone with dear liza, with what shall I wet the stone with dear liza?

With water dear henry dear henry dear henry, with water dear henry dear henry with water!

Whith what shall I carry the water in dear liza, with what shall I carry the water in dear liza?

In a bucket dear henry dear henry dear henry, in a bucket dear henry dear henry, in a bucket!!

But there is a hole in me bucket dear liza dear liza, a hole in me bucket dear liza a hole!!!


WHEW!!!
Jazzman

KC Island
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266315
03/07/06 02:12 PM
03/07/06 02:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,235
Novi, Mi
Dick Ward (MP Hall of Fame Wannabe) Offline
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Novi, Mi
Lol, fun stuff Jazzman, that song's a staple:)

It's one of those things where you don't get why it's funny cuz you used to sing it in choir class in 4th grade but then you listen to and it rules.

Same with "Why did the chicken cross the road".. I heard it when I was really really young, but looking back it's actually a funny joke, lol. I think anyway.


-----The First Joke Dick Came Up With----
(3rd Grade, gimme some credit)

Q.Who are the strongest people in the world?

A.Shoplifters!


Yeah, I should write for Laffy Taffy.


"...Keytar in a heavy metal band is nothing more than window dressing" - Sven Golly

Cursed Eternity - My Band
Dick Ward - My Me
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266316
03/07/06 02:29 PM
03/07/06 02:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,645
Ottawa
Phred Offline
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My first joke: I was 2.5 years old.

If this is my tee shirt, where is my coffee shirt?


I'm just saying', everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead.
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266317
03/07/06 02:37 PM
03/07/06 02:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,685
Bridog6996 Offline
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Looks like we got a couple of budding Jerry Seinfelds on our hands.

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266318
03/07/06 04:13 PM
03/07/06 04:13 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 488
Canadian Rockies
Jeep Offline
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Canadian Rockies

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266319
03/07/06 04:49 PM
03/07/06 04:49 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 488
Canadian Rockies
Jeep Offline
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Canadian Rockies
Once there was a B-3 player who was an occasional weekend player in a bar band in Winnipeg.
He met a genie, who promised him three wishes.

For his first wish he asked to be a better musician,
so he was enabled to quit his day gig and play the best bars full-time.
For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician,
and he became the man for a big-name recording and touring act.
For his third wish, he wished to be still better as a musician,
and so he ended up playing B-3 in a weekend bar band in Winnipeg.

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266320
03/07/06 05:07 PM
03/07/06 05:07 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,328
DE
DanL Offline
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A boss, a female employee, and a male employee are walking on the beach and come across a genie in a bottle. After a discussion, they decide the woman should go first, the man second, and the boss last.

The woman rubs the bottle, the genie comes out, and asks her for her wish. She says "I'd like to be on a tropical island paradise". Off she goes.

The man, seeing how this works, says he'd like to be in paradise as well, with a harem of beautiful women at his beck and call. Off he goes.

The boss picks up the bottle, rubs it, and says "I want both of them back after lunch"


Live: Korg Kronos 2 88, Nord Electro 5d Nord Lead A1
Toys: Roland FA08, Novation Ultranova, Moog LP, Roland SP-404SX, Roland JX10,Emu MK6
www.bksband.com
www.echoesrocks.com
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266321
03/07/06 05:40 PM
03/07/06 05:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 179
L
Loufrance Offline
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Posts: 179
Quote:
Originally posted by DanL:
A boss, a female employee, and a male employee are walking on the beach and come across a genie in a bottle. After a discussion, they decide the woman should go first, the man second, and the boss last.

The woman rubs the bottle, the genie comes out, and asks her for her wish. She says "I'd like to be on a tropical island paradise". Off she goes.

The man, seeing how this works, says he'd like to be in paradise as well, with a harem of beautiful women at his beck and call. Off he goes.

The boss picks up the bottle, rubs it, and says "I want both of them back after lunch"
Thats why I'd let my boss wish first, then I'd wish for 5million euros/dollars/pounds. Then I wouldn't have to deal with that boss after they got back.

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266322
03/07/06 07:32 PM
03/07/06 07:32 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 4,026
Raleigh, NC
BluesKeys Offline
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Raleigh, NC
A dog barks out the window of the car to his buddies as he is riding off. He says "oh boy fellas I'm going to get tutored."


Jimmy

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Groucho
NEW BAND CHECK THEM OUT
www.steveowensandsummertime.com
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Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266323
03/07/06 07:49 PM
03/07/06 07:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
R
Root Offline
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Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
What's the difference between a trombone player and a large pizza?


A large pizza can feed a family of 4.

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266324
03/07/06 07:50 PM
03/07/06 07:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
R
Root Offline
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Tip of the pinky, MI
What has 9 arms and sucks?


Def Leppard

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266325
03/07/06 07:57 PM
03/07/06 07:57 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 8,182
Botch Offline
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Dammit Root, you got me cryin' here!

Harold finally retires, and his wife Maude insists they need to start tightening their belts a bit, and she starts off by suggesting Harold give up his 12-pack of beer every weekend. He agrees.
Next weekend Maude comes in with the groceries, and Harold notices over $45 worth of cosmetics! Maude tells him, "Well, I buy those to look better for you!"
"Dammit woman, that's what the beer was for, too!"


Botch
In Wine there is Wisdom
In Beer there is Freedom
In Water there is bacteria
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266326
03/07/06 08:13 PM
03/07/06 08:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
R
Root Offline
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Tip of the pinky, MI
Bob is a hard working guy who works long hours and splits his free time between his bowling league and his wife. On his 50th birthday his wife decides she's going to do something extra special for him and take him to the strip club. So on his birthday she tells him "come on Bob, I'm taking you somewhere very special tonight" and they get in the car and go to the strip bar. When they get there the wife says "here we are...the strip bar!" and Bob goes "uh..umm..oh. Thats great honey, thanks..."

They walk up to the door and the bouncer goes "hey bob, how's it going tonight?"
The wife gives Bob a 'look' and says "Bob have you been here before??!!!!" Bob says "no honey, this is Jim he's on my bowling team." So his wife says ok and they go inside.

The waitress comes over and says "the usual bud light bob?" How his wife starts flipping out a little "I thought you said you've never been here!!! Are you LYING TO ME????" and Bob says nononono baby, this is Sandy, she also waits tables at the bowling alley. The wife says oh...ok.

Stripper comes over and says "Another lap dance tonight Bob?" The wife flips her lid, starts screaming and runs out of the bar. Bob chases her out and comes out the door just to see her jump into a cab and jump in after her. They're sitting in the back of the cab and the wife is throwing every four letter word at him when the cab driver turns around and goes "jeez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266327
03/07/06 10:45 PM
03/07/06 10:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 4,766
Northwest Indiana
Moonglow Offline
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Northwest Indiana
What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If an ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.


"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
- George Bernard Shaw
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266328
03/07/06 10:47 PM
03/07/06 10:47 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 488
Canadian Rockies
Jeep Offline
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Canadian Rockies

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266329
03/07/06 11:11 PM
03/07/06 11:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 8,776
Metro-Detroit, Michigan
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Steve Force Offline
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Metro-Detroit, Michigan
Oldies but goodies..

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.


"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266330
03/07/06 11:16 PM
03/07/06 11:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,246
SJ, Cal-ee-fon-ya
R
Red Winger Offline
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SJ, Cal-ee-fon-ya
A guy walks into a bar and.....


Oh, sorry. Wrong thread. \:o


"I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to."
-Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266331
03/07/06 11:53 PM
03/07/06 11:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 2,713
Scottsdale, AZ
Marzzz Offline
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Scottsdale, AZ
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

-None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand!


How many DeadHeads does it take to change a light bulb?

-None, they let it burn out and then follow it around for twenty years!

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266332
03/08/06 02:56 AM
03/08/06 02:56 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,685
Bridog6996 Offline
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What did the drummer say right before he got kicked out of the band?

- "Hey guys, when do we get to play MY songs?"

What's the difference between a dead chicken on the side of the road and a dead trombonist on the side of the road?

- There's a remote chance that the chicken was on its way to a gig.

and finally, and old gem:

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

- A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266333
03/08/06 03:44 AM
03/08/06 03:44 AM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 4,006
Melbourne, FL
Mr. Nightime Offline
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Melbourne, FL
This very prim and proper lady goes into a pet store, and see the most beautiful parrot she's ever seen. She asks the store manager how much, and he says "I can sell him for $10."

"Oh my, that's a wonderful price" the lady exclaimed. "I'll take him."

"There's a reason he's only $10. He was raised and taught to speak in a brothel, so his language is a bit....colorful"

The lady thought for a moment, and said "I'm a very devout Christian, and I believe there's good in every creature. I can change his language."

When she got the parrot home, he looked around and said "AWWWWK. New House, New Madam."

The lady admonished the bird, saying "That is improper language, and I will not have it in my home. I am the Missus and this is my home."

A bit later, the lady's two teenage daughters came home. The parrot saw them and said "AWWWWK. New House. New Madam, New Girls."

"No, No, No. That is not at all proper. These are not new girls. They are my daughters, and you will speak to them with respect."

Things went well for the next few hours, when the lady's husband came home. The parrot saw him and said " AWWWWK. New House. New Madam. New Girls. Hi Bob"


"In the beginning, Adam had the blues, 'cause he was lonesome.
So God helped him and created woman.

Now everybody's got the blues."

Willie Dixon




Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266334
03/08/06 03:44 AM
03/08/06 03:44 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 490
New Harbor, ME
NoLights Offline
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New Harbor, ME
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she
leans over and says, 'I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should
do?"

He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


When an eel hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
_______________________________________________
Kurzweil Forte 7 and SP-6; Yamaha CP4, MOX-F6, P-255; Studiologic VMK-161; EV ZXA1s;
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266335
03/08/06 03:46 AM
03/08/06 03:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 490
New Harbor, ME
NoLights Offline
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New Harbor, ME
This is a heartwarming story about the bond formedbetween a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot ever bring us the fucking drywall."


When an eel hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
_______________________________________________
Kurzweil Forte 7 and SP-6; Yamaha CP4, MOX-F6, P-255; Studiologic VMK-161; EV ZXA1s;
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266336
03/08/06 03:51 PM
03/08/06 03:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,096
M
misterdregs Offline
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Here's another heart-warming story:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

Since Valentine's Day is named after a Christian saint and we're Jewish, she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."


Nord Electro 5D 73
Yamaha P105
Kurzweil PC3LE7
Motion Sound KP200S
Schimmel 6-10LE
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266337
03/08/06 03:56 PM
03/08/06 03:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,096
M
misterdregs Offline
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My eight year old recently told us an actually funny joke:

Q: Why couldn't the little kid go to the pirate movie?

A: Because it was rated "Aaargh".

BTW, don't forget national "Talk Like a Pirate Day".

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html


Nord Electro 5D 73
Yamaha P105
Kurzweil PC3LE7
Motion Sound KP200S
Schimmel 6-10LE
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266338
03/08/06 05:28 PM
03/08/06 05:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,645
Ottawa
Phred Offline
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Phred  Offline
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Posts: 1,645
Ottawa
HAHA HAHA I love these - keep em coming:

How many Drummers does it take to change a lightbuld?
None- they have machines to do that now.


I'm just saying', everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead.
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266339
03/08/06 05:33 PM
03/08/06 05:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,328
DE
DanL Offline
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DanL  Offline
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Some good ones here!

Here's another one along the lines of nolights construction joke.

A little boy is driving his mom nuts, so she says, why don't you go across the street to watch those men build that house. So he does, and comes back at dinner time. His mom says "did you have a good time today" and the boy replies "I learned a lot". The mother asks him what he learned, and the boy says "well, I learned how to take the damn door off the frame, take it out back, plane the shit out of it, put it back up, take the fucker down again, plane the shit out of it some more!" Of course, the mother is aghast, and tells the boy that he's going to be in trouble when his dad gets home. When the dad gets home, the mom has the boy tell him what he told her. After hearing the foul language, the dad says, "son, you go out back and cut me a switch" and the boy replies "Fuck that, thats the electricians job!"


Live: Korg Kronos 2 88, Nord Electro 5d Nord Lead A1
Toys: Roland FA08, Novation Ultranova, Moog LP, Roland SP-404SX, Roland JX10,Emu MK6
www.bksband.com
www.echoesrocks.com
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266340
03/08/06 05:36 PM
03/08/06 05:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
R
Root Offline
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Root  Offline
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R

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 160
Tip of the pinky, MI
Quote:
Originally posted by misterdregs:
My eight year old recently told us an actually funny joke:

Q: Why couldn't the little kid go to the pirate movie?

A: Because it was rated "Aaargh".

BTW, don't forget national "Talk Like a Pirate Day".

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html
let's not forget why the movie was rated Aaargh...cause it was full of BOOTY!!!!!

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266341
03/08/06 06:56 PM
03/08/06 06:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,096
M
misterdregs Offline
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Posts: 2,096
Quote:
Originally posted by Root:
let's not forget why the movie was rated Aaargh...cause it was full of BOOTY!!!!!
Let's just say that I hope my eight year old wouldn't "get" this joke.


Nord Electro 5D 73
Yamaha P105
Kurzweil PC3LE7
Motion Sound KP200S
Schimmel 6-10LE
Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266342
03/08/06 07:21 PM
03/08/06 07:21 PM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 488
Canadian Rockies
Jeep Offline
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Jeep  Offline
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Posts: 488
Canadian Rockies

Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! #1266343
03/08/06 07:28 PM
03/08/06 07:28 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,645
Ottawa
Phred Offline
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Phred  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,645
Ottawa
Which line is the eye chart guy reading? Am I being too anal?


I'm just saying', everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead.
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