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#2491178 - 05/07/13 06:19 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ITGITC?]
ITGITC? Offline
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Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA

26 foolproof ways to piss off a cat

Photos... for your viewing enjoyment! smile

http://now.msn.com/angry-cats-a-photo-gallery-of-ways-to-piss-off-a-cat

(I've got three.) facepalm
_________________________
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. - Victor Hugo

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KC Island
#2491256 - 05/07/13 10:33 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Jazzman]
Synthoid Offline
10k Club

Registered: 12/04/03
Posts: 10451
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
Thanks, Tom. laugh

And don't forget to buy a copy of this:


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To stop the flow of music would be like the stopping of time itself, incredible and inconceivable.
-- Aaron Copland

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#2510406 - 07/11/13 07:57 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Jazzman]
The Ghastly MC Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 5228
Loc: Secluded Tranquil NY Wine Coun...
This guy is walking along the Rio Grande river in Texas and comes across a Mexican drug gang member in the waters, struggling to stay afloat because of the illegal drugs he is carrying in his backpack. Not far from him is an extremist muslim also struggling in the waters to stay afloat because of all the WMDs he is carrying.

So the guy decides to do his patriotic duty. He notifies the El Paso Sheriff dept, and the dept of Homeland Security.

Later in the day, both men have drowned and the authorities have not yet responded. At this time the guy is starting to resent that he has wasted two postage stamps.

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#2522651 - 08/29/13 08:25 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: The Ghastly MC]
ITGITC? Offline
Grand Poobah of Posting
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Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in college class.

Teacher: What kind of wife would you likeCharles?

Charles: I would want a wife like the Moon.

Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Charles: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.

laugh
_________________________
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. - Victor Hugo

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#2522738 - 08/29/13 01:27 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ITGITC?]
opdigits Offline
Gold Member

Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 691
Loc: SoCal
Don't know if this one has been posted here before, but even if it has it's worth dragging out every once in a while:

EUROPEAN THREAT ALERTS - 2013
by JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Once "sort of English" Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right mate". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought ... Greece is collapsing, the Iranians (Persians) are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 B.C.
_________________________
Nobody told me there'd be days like these...

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#2527585 - 09/15/13 05:32 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: opdigits]
ITGITC? Offline
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Posts: 17498
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cool
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"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. - Victor Hugo

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#2527628 - 09/15/13 08:32 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Jazzman]
Moon Zero Two Offline
Gold Member

Registered: 12/13/04
Posts: 974
man it's hard to upload a picture to the forum...


Edited by Moon Zero Two (09/15/13 08:38 AM)

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#2527666 - 09/15/13 10:22 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Moon Zero Two]
wmp Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 2982
Loc: MA
Originally Posted By: Moon Zero Two
man it's hard to upload a picture to the forum...

Probably because you can't. You have to link to an image hosted elsewhere. Hit the quote button on a post containing an image to see how to do that.

I like your dogs, Tom!

I dig John Cleese too. thu

My security level today is don't harsh my buzz. cool
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--wmp

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#2527687 - 09/15/13 11:27 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ksoper]
David Emm Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 09/14/12
Posts: 1220
Loc: Solder Huffer's Gulch
A friend's son just got back from a tour of Afcrapistan and told me this evil joke he picked up there:

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender lays a shotgun on the bar and says "Beat it, you troublemakers, I run a respectable joint!"
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The world will ultimately end by: A) Fire B) Too much water C) Not ENOUGH water D) Grade-A Mega-Splat Meteor Strike E) Ignorance or F) This List Is Too Short.

https://soundcloud.com/david-emm-1

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#2527702 - 09/15/13 01:11 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: wmp]
scottasin Offline
Gold Member

Registered: 01/06/07
Posts: 698
Loc: Fort Collins CO
Originally Posted By: wmp
Piano for hip hop and rap.



I wonder why it has a music desk. Probably for blunts.
I take offense to this, you old geezers just don't know the good stuff.

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#2527938 - 09/16/13 01:51 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: scottasin]
wmp Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 2982
Loc: MA
Originally Posted By: scottasin
I take offense to this, you old geezers just don't know the good stuff.

Harshing you buzz?

Sorry.

To an old geezer, this is the good stuff in hip hop.

_________________________
--wmp

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#2534304 - 10/08/13 12:29 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: wmp]
ITGITC? Offline
Grand Poobah of Posting
10k Club

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA




Speakers on!

Happy Halloween! evil

_________________________
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. - Victor Hugo

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#2536146 - 10/16/13 06:35 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ITGITC?]
ITGITC? Offline
Grand Poobah of Posting
10k Club

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of chocolates.

Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne ?" "No," said the little boy...

"It's a puppy!" laugh
_________________________
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. - Victor Hugo

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#2536150 - 10/16/13 06:59 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ITGITC?]
I-missRichardTee Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 09/04/11
Posts: 7027
Loc: S. Ca. USA
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner with the family.

"Son, where were you today?", asked dad.

The son says, "at school." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my buddies house!"

"Which one?", asks Dad.

"Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, OK, it was a porn" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was," says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs and says, "He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!
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Live and let live. Always has been a meaningless platitude until Now. Live and LET LIVE.

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#2543629 - 11/13/13 04:24 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: I-missRichardTee]
linwood Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 09/11/00
Posts: 5246
Loc: Las Vegas,NV,UNITED STATES
I was working with an ad guy today and he asked: " Would you say this is 4/4 or 3/4? I go: " It's 4/4." He replies: " Hmmm...I thought 4/4 was faster than that."

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#2543634 - 11/13/13 04:50 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: linwood]
Dave Ferris Offline
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Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 5930
Loc: Glendale/Ventura, Ca.
laugh thu
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#2543637 - 11/13/13 05:02 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Dave Ferris]
Brettymike Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 05/10/12
Posts: 2915
Loc: Auckland , New Zealand
I think you guy's will enjoy a ton of laughs with Jeff Dunham and
"Walter" > http://youtu.be/Zcnoh3oJJKs

And "Achmed the dead terrorist" > http://youtu.be/1uwOL4rB-go

And David Strassman with "Angel" grin > http://youtu.be/euzMOhnAZPY

If I had my time over again , I think I would love to be a great Ventriloquist!!! grin.

Brett

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#2543651 - 11/13/13 06:08 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Brettymike]
wmp Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 2982
Loc: MA
There's a Lexus in the parking lot with the lights on. Does it belong to anybody in the band?
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--wmp

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#2543676 - 11/13/13 09:28 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: wmp]
linwood Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 09/11/00
Posts: 5246
Loc: Las Vegas,NV,UNITED STATES

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#2543693 - 11/13/13 11:50 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: wmp]
stillplaying Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 1687
Loc: Perth, Scotland
Originally Posted By: wmp
There's a Lexus in the parking lot with the lights on. Does it belong to anybody in the band?


Love that. A true working musicians' joke.
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Still playing, still on here, just not "stillgigging"

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#2543726 - 11/14/13 06:06 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: stillplaying]
Morizzle Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 1211
Loc: a planet
Love this Tom Waits bit. Not totally safe for work, though.

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Sequential Circuits Prophet 6 - Nord Stage 3 Compact - Nord Piano - Crumar Mojo - Moog Little Phatty - Roland FA 06 - Yamaha U1 - Rhodes Mk1 73

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#2548094 - 12/01/13 01:03 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Morizzle]
Morizzle Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 1211
Loc: a planet
A man goes into a music store, turns to the clerk, says "guuuuuuuuh" and drools a little.

The clerk replies: "Sure. Four or five strings?"
_________________________
Sequential Circuits Prophet 6 - Nord Stage 3 Compact - Nord Piano - Crumar Mojo - Moog Little Phatty - Roland FA 06 - Yamaha U1 - Rhodes Mk1 73

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#2548102 - 12/01/13 01:49 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Morizzle]
DulceLabs.com Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 04/21/13
Posts: 5183
Loc: CLASSIFIED
I came in like a WRECKING BALL!

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#2548107 - 12/01/13 02:37 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: DulceLabs.com]
Morizzle Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 1211
Loc: a planet
A girl walks through the park and notices a frog in the grass. She carefully comes closer, the frog sees her and says: "Help me! I'm a cursed jazz musician. I can only change back to my human appearance if you kiss me."

The girl picks up the frog, thinks for a second, and eventually says: "No thanks, I think I can make more money with a talking frog."
_________________________
Sequential Circuits Prophet 6 - Nord Stage 3 Compact - Nord Piano - Crumar Mojo - Moog Little Phatty - Roland FA 06 - Yamaha U1 - Rhodes Mk1 73

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#2551233 - 12/13/13 08:54 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Jazzman]
The Ghastly MC Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 5228
Loc: Secluded Tranquil NY Wine Coun...
Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc
should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!

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#2553867 - 12/21/13 05:14 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Jazzman]
The Ghastly MC Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 5228
Loc: Secluded Tranquil NY Wine Coun...

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#2553934 - 12/22/13 05:59 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Morizzle]
RudyS Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 2384
Loc: Groningen, The netherlands
Originally Posted By: Morizzle
A man goes into a music store, turns to the clerk, says "guuuuuuuuh" and drools a little.

The clerk replies: "Sure. Four or five strings?"


thu
_________________________
Rudy


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#2557265 - 01/02/14 06:57 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: RudyS]
Theo Verelst Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 4020
This one most of you will know, but now imagine the cool B*tt-head stands for Dave Smith, and senior Beavis stands for Dr Moog:


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#2557267 - 01/02/14 07:04 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: Theo Verelst]
hurricane hugo Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 10/01/08
Posts: 2825
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http://blip.fm/invite/WorkRelease

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#2566689 - 01/28/14 10:20 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others! [Re: ITGITC?]
linwood Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 09/11/00
Posts: 5246
Loc: Las Vegas,NV,UNITED STATES
I guess sooner or later, someone had to do it....Dirty Loops parodies smile

https://soundcloud.com/funkysongdudes/you-got-a-friend

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