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#1266344 - 03/08/06 02:56 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
marino Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 7999
Loc: Rome, Italy
A jazz bass player walks into a lot of bars... oops, sorry...

\:D

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KC Island
#1266345 - 03/08/06 03:16 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Jeep Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 05/30/01
Posts: 488
Loc: Canadian Rockies

\:D

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#1266346 - 03/08/06 03:22 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
marino Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 7999
Loc: Rome, Italy
\:D \:D \:D \:D

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#1266347 - 03/08/06 03:30 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~


"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266348 - 03/08/06 03:31 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266349 - 03/08/06 03:34 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
DanL Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 4292
Loc: DE
What do you call an accordian laying on top of a banjo in a dumpster?

A good shot.
_________________________
Live: Korg Kronos 2 88, Nord Electro 5d Nord Lead A1
Toys: Roland FA08, Novation Ultranova, Moog LP, Roland SP-404SX, Roland JX10,Emu MK6
www.bksband.com
www.echoesrocks.com

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#1266350 - 03/08/06 03:36 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.


Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..


_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266351 - 03/08/06 03:40 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266352 - 03/08/06 05:58 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
(Someone please shoot me and put me out of my misery.... \:\) )

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266353 - 03/08/06 07:45 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
Why do musicians tour the most in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266354 - 03/08/06 10:25 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
NoLights Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 02/29/04
Posts: 481
Loc: New Harbor, ME
What Marriage Is All About

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing
them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set
the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites
of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and
whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they
can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the
table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were
used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No,
thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


"THE TEETH."
_________________________
When an eel hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
_______________________________________________
Kurzweil Forte 7; Yamaha: CP4, MOX-F6, P-255; Studiologic VMK-161; EV ZXA1s; Lucas Nano

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#1266355 - 03/09/06 03:28 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Jode Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 2729
Loc: The Great Northwest
What's the range of a harmonica?
About seventy-five feet, if you throw it really hard.

How can you tell if a lead singer's on your front porch?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How do you make an Indian laugh?
Tell him you're from the US government, and you're here to help.
_________________________
"I had to have something, and it wasn't there. I couldn't go down the street and buy it, so I built it."

Les Paul

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#1266356 - 03/09/06 03:28 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Jode Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 2729
Loc: The Great Northwest
Double post. Oh well - while I'm here...

What do you say to a guitarist in a new suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

Two drummers walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen.
_________________________
"I had to have something, and it wasn't there. I couldn't go down the street and buy it, so I built it."

Les Paul

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#1266357 - 03/09/06 07:07 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Guy Smiley Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 46
.... me at skool wen I was jus wittle ...

"GUY SMILEY ! Sit up straight, stop picking your nose and put that Keyboard magazine away ".

"Yes Miss Jackson".

"That's better Guy. Now, what would you like to be when you grow up ? "

"A musician Miss Jackson".

"Well I'm sorry Guy but you can't be BOTH ! "

..... \:\(

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#1266358 - 03/09/06 07:41 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
~~The Sideman's By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~~

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

3. If you don't know it, play harmony.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.

6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)

13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.

15. Always open spit valves over music.

16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.

17. Always worship dead jazz greats.

18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.

19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.

22. Always bum a ride.

23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?

27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266359 - 03/09/06 08:45 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Jazzman Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 08/15/01
Posts: 1424
Loc: Commerce Twp, MI,USA
Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny is a nasty little boy, you can never trust him on what his little dirty mind thinks.

Teacher: Johnny, if you answer this math problem correctly, I will give you extra credit.

Little Johnny: OK teacher

Teacher: Johnny, there is a hunter walking in the woods and comes across a telephone line with three little birdies on it...The hunter aims and shoots one of the little birdies....... how many are left.....?

Little johnny: None!

Teacher: Now johnny, the hunter saw three little birdies on the telephone wire and shot only one of them, now how many are left??

Little Johnny: None!

Teacher: Johnny, how can you come up with that answer?? Explain.

Little Johnny: Well....the hunter saw the three little birdies on the telephone wire, and shot one of them, but the other two birdies flew away because of the noise the gun made.

Teacher: Well Johnny, that is not quite the answer that I had in mind.....but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny: Well teacher I have a problem for you too.

Teacher (thinking ....I wonder what little Johnny will come up with ?)and responds by saying: OK tell me.

Little Johnny: Well, there are three teachers sitting on a park bench. They all have lolly pops in their hands. One is licking it, one is biting it, the other one is sucking on it............which one was married??

Teacher (upset with this...red in the face states): .........ah..... er..... the one licking it.

Little Johnny: No! No! No!......the one with the wedding ring on her finger............but I like the way you think! \:D

Jazzman

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#1266360 - 03/09/06 08:54 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
MidLifeCrisis® Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 08/01/03
Posts: 3104
Loc: Tampa, Fl
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
_________________________
Steve
A Lifetime of Peace, Love and Protest Music
www.rock-xtreme.com

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#1266361 - 03/14/06 06:39 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
MidLifeCrisis® Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 08/01/03
Posts: 3104
Loc: Tampa, Fl
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
_________________________
Steve
A Lifetime of Peace, Love and Protest Music
www.rock-xtreme.com

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#1266362 - 03/14/06 06:47 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Trill Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 04/09/05
Posts: 1283
Loc: Southwestern Ohio
Steve ,the sax player sent me the husband store about a month ago ,its a good one .

Okay ,in honor of March Madness


Coach Kommercial

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#1266363 - 03/14/06 07:26 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
A couple of enterprising bass players, unwilling to sit through a long, bass-less stretch of Beethoven's Ninth, sneaked off stage and into the bar next door. Beer flowed; time passed. "Look at the time! We have to get back!" said one. "Relax," said his partner, "I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to untangle it." They staggered back into the hall and took their places. About this time, a member of the audience noted that the conductor was breaking a sweat. "Of course," replied her companion, "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266364 - 03/14/06 07:30 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Steve Force Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 8771
Loc: Metro-Detroit, Michigan
A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
_________________________
"forceman" -Detroit, Michigan
--------
My Professional Websites

My musical gear Blog

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#1266365 - 03/15/06 08:44 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
lerber3 Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 496
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
Four nuns approach the pearly gates. St. Peter asks them to confess their sins before they may enter heaven.

The first says "Forgive me, for I once saw a man's penis." St. Peter says "Put some of this holy water in your eyes and you may enter."

The second says "Forgive me, for once I touched a mans' penis." St. Peter says "Wash your hands with this holy water and you may enter."

The fourth nun pushes ahead of the third. St. Peter asks "Why did you do that?" She replies "I'd rather gargle with the holy water before she sits in it".

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#1266366 - 03/15/06 11:41 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Trill Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 04/09/05
Posts: 1283
Loc: Southwestern Ohio
How to know when your flying over Africa


[img]http://mail.google.com/mail/?view=att&disp=emb&attid=0.1.1&th=109fe0ac4f48fd3a[/img]

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#1266367 - 03/15/06 04:32 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
bourniplus Online   content
Gold Member

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 558
Loc: Québec
How do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?


a drummer
_________________________
"Show me all the blueprints. I'm serious now, show me all the blueprints."
My homemade instruments

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#1266368 - 03/15/06 05:19 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
captainmri Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 327
Loc: w.ky usa
A guy dies and goes to heaven. He's chatting with St. Peter and notices Bono of U2 strolling by.

"Wow!" he exclaims, "I didn't know Bono was here!"

"Oh...that's God. He just THINKS he's Bono sometimes."
_________________________
chip

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#1266369 - 03/17/06 09:25 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
ITGITC? Offline
Grand Poobah of Posting
10k Club

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA
Trunk Monkey

CLONK HERE FOR THE VIDEO

:p
_________________________
"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” - Victor Hugo

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#1266370 - 03/17/06 09:13 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Moonglow Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 4646
Loc: Northwest Indiana
A skeleton says to the bartender: "I'll have a beer and a mop."
_________________________
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
- George Bernard Shaw

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#1266371 - 03/17/06 09:51 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Trill Offline
Platinum Member

Registered: 04/09/05
Posts: 1283
Loc: Southwestern Ohio
Not all Humor , but completely off topic.

> In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

> -------------------------------------------

> Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

> -------------------------------------------

> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

> -------------------------------------------

> Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

> -------------------------------------------

> Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

> -------------------------------------------

> Coca-Cola was originally green.

> -------------------------------------------

> It is impossible to lick your elbow.

> -------------------------------------------

> The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

> -------------------------------------------

> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

> -------------------------------------------

> The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

> Spades - King David

> Hearts - Charlemagne

> Clubs -Alexander, the Great

> Diamonds - Julius Caesar

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

> A. Their birthplace

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

> A. Obsession

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

> A. One thousand

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

> A. All were invented by women.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

> A. Honey

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

> A. Father's Day

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

> It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

> -------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

> uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

> phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde

> Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

> ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

> plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh

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#1266372 - 03/18/06 09:07 AM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
ITGITC? Offline
Grand Poobah of Posting
10k Club

Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 17498
Loc: USA
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"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” - Victor Hugo

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#1266373 - 03/18/06 09:44 PM Re: OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!
Joan Offline
Member

Registered: 02/12/06
Posts: 26
Loc: Loudonville, Ohio
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

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