Way, Way, Way OT: Divorce

[Legatoboy]

Be strong, xKnuckes analogy is good one (tunnel)...you do come out the other side...concentrate on the kids not her emotionally. Sounds as if she turned off emotionally (that's what happens - like a switch)..

 

Sounds like it's not you but her...

stay cool man! I've gone threw this too!

[Outkaster]

Everytime I see a thread like this it seems so hopeless...I mean like long term relationships in general.

[Lindaru]

It seems that the winds of change are swirling around so many of us at this time.

 

Sometimes we feel like we are afloat in a sea of uncertainty.

 

I can relate to the moving out since I was the one who moved out on my first divorce. All I can share with you is my personal experience on how it was an adventure and a mild feeling of the familiar lost all at the same time.

 

The important thing for me to remember was that this was a chance for me to take control of my life and live it the way I wanted to, even to deciding on how I wanted my place decorated and furnished.

 

I did not have kids to consider, so I defer to others on that one, but each day was a new adventure and the fact that I was "doing it my way" is what got me to try new things or re-establish old things I had given up on. So sorry when it ends, but there will always be those memories that were good and those memories most times are more dominant than the old painful ones. Even when the old painful ones come up, you can eventually view them with a little bit of detachment in knowing that you are "all right after all".

 

[Michael Wright]

Everytime I see a thread like this it seems so hopeless...I mean like long term relationships in general.

My wife and I are going on 40 years. If a woman can tolerate me that long, anything is possible.

[Threadslayer]

I can relate to the moving out since I was the one who moved out on my first divorce. All I can share with you is my personal experience on how it was an adventure and a mild feeling of the familiar lost all at the same time.

 

Well put Linda. That's how I remember my move as well.

[Outkaster]

I understand it's different for everyone. I think part of it is that we are lead to believe certain things based on the media and all the internet feel-good talk that is out there. Relationships do take work and being sensitive to each others needs and wants.

[The Real MC]

I understand it's different for everyone. I think part of it is that we are lead to believe certain things based on the media and all the internet feel-good talk that is out there. Relationships do take work and being sensitive to each others needs and wants.

 

Not everybody is good at relationships, and the good ones are fewer and farther between these days.

[J. Dan]

Math, I haven't been on here for weeks, and I don't plan to come back. I occasionally look to see if anything has improved. It hasn't. I'm still gone, but I'm still concerned for you. If you want to reach out, there are folks on here who can hook you up with me. You're one of the few people on here besides those I'm already connected to, whom I'd like to stay in touch with.

[MAJUSCULE]

Thinking of you, dude.

[Doerfler]

Math, I haven't been on here for weeks, and I don't plan to come back. I occasionally look to see if anything has improved. It hasn't. I'm still gone

 

first derailment of a thread by someone who claims he isn't here.

[Threadslayer]

Math, I haven't been on here for weeks, and I don't plan to come back. I occasionally look to see if anything has improved. It hasn't. I'm still gone

 

first derailment of a thread by someone who claims he isn't here.

It's getting to be like Barbara Streisand's "Last" tour.

What a diva.

[Markay]

Back on topic, MOI a rule that worked for me when I was going through something similar in a different context but involving significant emotional turmoil was not to say or put in writing to the other party anything that I would not be comfortable with if retold or shown to an impartial third party - like a judge.

[Joe Muscara]

Math, I haven't been on here for weeks, and I don't plan to come back. I occasionally look to see if anything has improved. It hasn't. I'm still gone

 

first derailment of a thread by someone who claims he isn't here.

It's getting to be like Barbara Streisand's "Last" tour.

What a diva.

C'mon guys. Even if you disagree with him, can't we all just be nice? Otherwise you're giving him and others reasons to be right about this place.

[MotiDave]

Back on topic, MOI a rule that worked for me when I was going through something similar in a different context but involving significant emotional turmoil was not to say or put in writing to the other party anything that I would not be comfortable with if retold or shown to an impartial third party - like a judge.

or a cop

[MotiDave]

C'mon guys. Even if you disagree with him, can't we all just be nice? Otherwise you're giving him and others reasons to be right about this place.

I come here and read threads here most every day. what happened to him to cause this trauma? I recall his epiphany, but I still don't know what caused it.

 

if only he was still reading here, he could tell us and perhaps we could all rectify grievances, lay down arms, and heal as one family ... sigh ... ironic lament ...

[Lindaru]

He has stated that the forums have changed in the sense of not discussing key-boards and/or music only, too many off topic threads, and I believe (a thing of which I am part of the problem) too much humor injected and derailing of threads by either humor or other off topic responses.

 

If I have left anything out, please add.

 

:idk

 

[Daniel Wade]

Linda, I don't believe you are part of any problem. I look forward to reading what you have to say.

[Daniel Wade]

Math, I can identify with what you are going through. My first marriage was for 15 years and we had 5 children. (although through dna testing 4 were mine and one was not, but the biological was finally found through dna from a list that was given to the judge). We had not gotten along but were still together until one day while I was watching tv, she said I want you to leave. I said no. She said if you dont, I will bruise myself up and call the police and tell them you did it. I left...permanently, and filed for divorce. Later she told the kids I left and abandoned her and them. There is more, and it sucks, but I'm won't go into it.

 

As bad as all that was, I later ran into my wife who was also going through a bad divorce. We have been together for 20 years now and I couldn't be happier. I also deal with my ex wife occasionally and it is ok.

 

A couple of tips:

Never say to the children your mother (anything). Always refer to her by her name, that way you don't lump them in with her and whatever you say. Even if you don't mean it that way, they have a tendency to take it that way.

 

Try to deal with the ex in a business like manner. Don't allow yourself to be provoked to anger. You will be dealing with her for a long time, (because of the children and later grandchildren) so businesslike seems to work. If I think of anything else I'll post, or if you have questions you can pm me anytime.

 

[MathOfInsects]

Math, I can identify with what you are going through. My first marriage was for 15 years and we had 5 children. (although through dna testing 4 were mine and one was not, but the biological was finally found through dna from a list that was given to the judge). We had not gotten along but were still together until one day while I was watching tv, she said I want you to leave. I said no. She said if you dont, I will bruise myself up and call the police and tell them you did it. I left...permanently, and filed for divorce. Later she told the kids I left and abandoned her and them. There is more, and it sucks, but I'm won't go into it.

 

As bad as all that was, I later ran into my wife who was also going through a bad divorce. We have been together for 20 years now and I couldn't be happier. I also deal with my ex wife occasionally and it is ok.

 

A couple of tips:

Never say to the children your mother (anything). Always refer to her by her name, that way you don't lump them in with her and whatever you say. Even if you don't mean it that way, they have a tendency to take it that way.

 

Try to deal with the ex in a business like manner. Don't allow yourself to be provoked to anger. You will be dealing with her for a long time, (because of the children and later grandchildren) so businesslike seems to work. If I think of anything else I'll post, or if you have questions you can pm me anytime.

 

Wise, thank you. And what a story. Sheesh.

 

 

[Lindaru]

Linda, I don't believe you are part of any problem. I look forward to reading what you have to say.

 

Thank you, Daniel.

 

In looking back, I recall dread when running into the ex-in-laws. I had heard in a round-about way all of the dysfunctional lies that had been told about me to them.

 

You can alleviate that a bit by remembering that you know the truth of any situation. Children may believe them at the time, but when they gain a bit of life experience and are out in the world where they can observe behavior, they will see what is what and gain insight into what the parents and families are really like. Truth eventually does win out. Be strong in what I call your "inherent integrity" and you can get through it with peace and grace.

 

 

[Chris Link]

Divorce is no fun, but at some point is the least worst option.

 

Mine can be summed up with two words: financial infidelity.

 

It destroys trust (you think you know someone better than that after 30+ years) as much as sexual infidelity.

 

Regrets? Absolutely.

 

It's terribly hard on kids, but I didn't want them to think what was there was what a good example of a healthy marriage or partnership. And I no longer have a relationship with my ex's parents and family, who are some of my favorite people in the world.

 

On the plus side, I have a wonderful girlfriend and fervently hope that we spend the rest of our years together!

[Theo Verelst]

I don't regret to state I haven't been married. If I would (have) wanted to let's call it "raise a fam" I don't think that would have been extremely hard, but I have done other things and wasn't interested in that.

 

I can imagine a big difference between a relation based on some normal interest, or a more traditional "it's how it goes" connection with standard pursuits of self realization. Something to consider when thinking of the doubtless pain and trouble of breakups, I imagine some trouble can come from external sources in the society at hand, other trouble seats itself purely in the combination of two (I presume) characters or lives.

 

T

[MathOfInsects]

Well, I made this thread back in January and moved out in mid-April. I remember going to my doctor for something in March and looking him in the eye and saying, "I am struggling." Drinking a lot, not sleeping, feeling my blood pressure rising on its own. I literally got concerned at one point that my kids might find me on my office/studio floor one morning, dead from a stroke. I know it sounds dramatic, but it felt that precarious (and unhealthy).

 

A funny moment occurred (for me) at the doctor when he asked how much I was drinking, and I said, "Often a bottle of wine a night, easily." And he said, "Try to cut down to 3 or 4 glasses if you can." And inside my head, I thought, "Wait, I can be having three or four glasses of wine a night? Awesome!"

 

Anyway. I moved out in mid-April. A nice little house with a yard for the kids and a bedroom for each of us. A laundry room that I am using as my studio until I move the washer and dryer outside and convert it further.

 

I noticed when I moved in that I stopped seeming quite as interested in self-medicating every night. I also noticed that I stopped feeling that blood-pressure-y buzz in my head all the time. But I was (and still am) under a fair amount of deadline pressure for some other projects, so I didn't pay much attention to it, other than to notice it.

 

After a month or so, I had a day where I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd snapped at the kids. Even though I'd added a pressure--money now, with only one income--I realized I hadn't really had any of those "KNOCK IT OFF" moments of the past few years, where if you hear one more whine, you are going to kill a bunny rabbit in front of a bus full of toddlers and nuns and make your kids watch it over and over just to change the subject.

 

Kids and I just took a road trip, and somewhere in the middle of the trip, I realized out of the blue that I had started parenting more like the way I'd always meant to. I have been noticing small changes in the kids and the way they interact with each other and with me. It was a significant trip and moment. Truly one of those rest-of-our-lives memories.

 

When we got back from the trip (or rather, I did--I dropped the kids with mom on the way), I have just sort of kept forgetting to stock up on wine. It's like one day some switch went off and said, "Enough." I know it sounds funny and obvious, but there is nothing like going to bed because you're tired and waking up because you're rested, to make you a better human and parent during the day, even if you can do OK the other way. I have no idea if I'll stay completely abstinent, but so far I haven't found a good argument to go back yet.

 

Right after I moved out--probably too soon for most people's taste--I put a profile up on an online dating site and started doing the "other" thing freedom allows. Nothing like a little bit of physical "affirmation" to get you walking with mojo again.

 

Overall, except for the complication of money, which I haven't figured out how to fix as quickly as I need, this divorce has been the best possible decision for my kids and myself all around. Yes, I see some effects in them from it. But mostly, they've adjusted smoothly, and things might even be considered better for them, to the extent that it can be after a family breaks apart.

 

I am going to be direct and say that a particular couple of bits of advice from THIS thread have resonated with me, and directly helped me--In particular the no-relationship one, and the watch-the-drinking one. The "here are the keys" story has also stuck with me as we go though the shitty process of legal financial negotiation. And the "your mother" prohibition is extremely good.

 

This board and thread have had real-world benefits for me, immediately and directly, in a most personal matter, and I'd even go so far as to say that it has helped my kids go through a better divorce as well.

 

So...thanks, KC. You are the best group of keyboard playing apes and apettes that I know.

[Philip Clark]

Well, I made this thread back in January and moved out in mid-April. I remember going to my doctor for something in March and looking him in the eye and saying, "I am struggling." Drinking a lot, not sleeping, feeling my blood pressure rising on its own. I literally got concerned at one point that my kids might find me on my office/studio floor one morning, dead from a stroke. I know it sounds dramatic, but it felt that precarious (and unhealthy).

 

A funny moment occurred (for me) at the doctor when he asked how much I was drinking, and I said, "Often a bottle of wine a night, easily." And he said, "Try to cut down to 3 or 4 glasses if you can." And inside my head, I thought, "Wait, I can be having three or four glasses of wine a night? Awesome!"

 

Anyway. I moved out in mid-April. A nice little house with a yard for the kids and a bedroom for each of us. A laundry room that I am using as my studio until I move the washer and dryer outside and convert it further.

 

I noticed when I moved in that I stopped seeming quite as interested in self-medicating every night. I also noticed that I stopped feeling that blood-pressure-y buzz in my head all the time. But I was (and still am) under a fair amount of deadline pressure for some other projects, so I didn't pay much attention to it, other than to notice it.

 

After a month or so, I had a day where I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd snapped at the kids. Even though I'd added a pressure--money now, with only one income--I realized I hadn't really had any of those "KNOCK IT OFF" moments of the past few years, where if you hear one more whine, you are going to kill a bunny rabbit in front of a bus full of toddlers and nuns and make your kids watch it over and over just to change the subject.

 

Kids and I just took a road trip, and somewhere in the middle of the trip, I realized out of the blue that I had started parenting more like the way I'd always meant to. I have been noticing small changes in the kids and the way they interact with each other and with me. It was a significant trip and moment. Truly one of those rest-of-our-lives memories.

 

When we got back from the trip (or rather, I did--I dropped the kids with mom on the way), I have just sort of kept forgetting to stock up on wine. It's like one day some switch went off and said, "Enough." I know it sounds funny and obvious, but there is nothing like going to bed because you're tired and waking up because you're rested, to make you a better human and parent during the day, even if you can do OK the other way. I have no idea if I'll stay completely abstinent, but so far I haven't found a good argument to go back yet.

 

Right after I moved out--probably too soon for most people's taste--I put a profile up on an online dating site and started doing the "other" thing freedom allows. Nothing like a little bit of physical "affirmation" to get you walking with mojo again.

 

Overall, except for the complication of money, which I haven't figured out how to fix as quickly as I need, this divorce has been the best possible decision for my kids and myself all around. Yes, I see some effects in them from it. But mostly, they've adjusted smoothly, and things might even be considered better for them, to the extent that it can be after a family breaks apart.

 

I am going to be direct and say that a particular couple of bits of advice from THIS thread have resonated with me, and directly helped me--In particular the no-relationship one, and the watch-the-drinking one. The "here are the keys" story has also stuck with me as we go though the shitty process of legal financial negotiation.

 

This board and thread have had real-world benefits for me, immediately and directly, in a most personal matter, and I'd even go so far as to say that it has helped my kids go through a better divorce as well.

 

So...thanks, KC. You are the best group of keyboard playing apes and apettes that I know.

 

This is great to hear. I'm about a year outside of my divorce as well, and I'm feeling just about as positive about my decision. Hang in there!

[Joe Muscara]

Glad to read this, guys.

[Song80s]

Well, I made this thread back in January and moved out in mid-April. I remember going to my doctor for something in March and looking him in the eye and saying, "I am struggling." Drinking a lot, not sleeping, feeling my blood pressure rising on its own. I literally got concerned at one point that my kids might find me on my office/studio floor one morning, dead from a stroke. I know it sounds dramatic, but it felt that precarious (and unhealthy).

 

A funny moment occurred (for me) at the doctor when he asked how much I was drinking, and I said, "Often a bottle of wine a night, easily." And he said, "Try to cut down to 3 or 4 glasses if you can." And inside my head, I thought, "Wait, I can be having three or four glasses of wine a night? Awesome!"

 

Anyway. I moved out in mid-April. A nice little house with a yard for the kids and a bedroom for each of us. A laundry room that I am using as my studio until I move the washer and dryer outside and convert it further.

 

I noticed when I moved in that I stopped seeming quite as interested in self-medicating every night. I also noticed that I stopped feeling that blood-pressure-y buzz in my head all the time. But I was (and still am) under a fair amount of deadline pressure for some other projects, so I didn't pay much attention to it, other than to notice it.

 

After a month or so, I had a day where I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd snapped at the kids. Even though I'd added a pressure--money now, with only one income--I realized I hadn't really had any of those "KNOCK IT OFF" moments of the past few years, where if you hear one more whine, you are going to kill a bunny rabbit in front of a bus full of toddlers and nuns and make your kids watch it over and over just to change the subject.

 

Kids and I just took a road trip, and somewhere in the middle of the trip, I realized out of the blue that I had started parenting more like the way I'd always meant to. I have been noticing small changes in the kids and the way they interact with each other and with me. It was a significant trip and moment. Truly one of those rest-of-our-lives memories.

 

When we got back from the trip (or rather, I did--I dropped the kids with mom on the way), I have just sort of kept forgetting to stock up on wine. It's like one day some switch went off and said, "Enough." I know it sounds funny and obvious, but there is nothing like going to bed because you're tired and waking up because you're rested, to make you a better human and parent during the day, even if you can do OK the other way. I have no idea if I'll stay completely abstinent, but so far I haven't found a good argument to go back yet.

 

Right after I moved out--probably too soon for most people's taste--I put a profile up on an online dating site and started doing the "other" thing freedom allows. Nothing like a little bit of physical "affirmation" to get you walking with mojo again.

 

Overall, except for the complication of money, which I haven't figured out how to fix as quickly as I need, this divorce has been the best possible decision for my kids and myself all around. Yes, I see some effects in them from it. But mostly, they've adjusted smoothly, and things might even be considered better for them, to the extent that it can be after a family breaks apart.

 

I am going to be direct and say that a particular couple of bits of advice from THIS thread have resonated with me, and directly helped me--In particular the no-relationship one, and the watch-the-drinking one. The "here are the keys" story has also stuck with me as we go though the shitty process of legal financial negotiation.

 

This board and thread have had real-world benefits for me, immediately and directly, in a most personal matter, and I'd even go so far as to say that it has helped my kids go through a better divorce as well.

 

So...thanks, KC. You are the best group of keyboard playing apes and apettes that I know.

 

This is great to hear. I'm about a year outside of my divorce as well, and I'm feeling just about as positive about my decision. Hang in there!

 

It just seems that divorce is a stage to go thru. I recall a sense of relief when we separated, I moved out, and we filed in court. When I moved, I had about $150 to my name and a $25 per hour job ( which is zip in the Bay area) . But I was free. It was a great feeling.

[Lindaru]

Great to hear this, MOI!

 

You, too, Dreamchilde!

 

 

[MathOfInsects]

This is great to hear. I'm about a year outside of my divorce as well, and I'm feeling just about as positive about my decision. Hang in there!

 

Glad to read this, guys.

 

It just seems that divorce is a stage to go thru. I recall a sense of relief when we separated, I moved out, and we filed in court. When I moved, I had about $150 to my name and a $25 per hour job ( which is zip in the Bay area) . But I was free. It was a great feeling.

 

Great to hear this, MOI!

 

You, too, Dreamchilde!

 

 

Thanks, brethren/sistren.

[drawback]

But, but, that acerbic wit... uh... that was you, right?

 

 

 

 

[J. Dan]

The similarities for me gave me chills right down to the exact amount and type of alcohol per night and the exact same reaction when I got my house back along with a semi-normal life.

 

You aren't friends with me on FB but some here are and saw the posts of my pics with my kids on vacation throughout Colorado last week. One of the happiest weeks I've had in a long time even though I had to deal with a 7 and 11 yr old on a 12 hr drive each way! Problems melted away and we had a blast. Subsequently, I drank MUCH less than typical. Not that typical is anything crazy, but a bottle of wine, while not typical, is not rare in a night, and 2 sometimes happens. I've been mostly alone for about 5 years now. It takes a little adjustment. It used to scare me and I thought I needed somebody, not so much anymore. The things that matter most are my kids, my job, my music, and my sanity (which includes my religion that I've downplayed because of forum policy).