Way, Way, Way OT: Divorce

[MathOfInsects]

Yesterday's storm blew every last leaf off the money tree on our front patio.

 

I am trying not to see it as a metaphor.

[DulceLabs.com]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

We should all do out best to help MOI get through all of these. And if we can't get him all the way to acceptance, we can settle for getting him to depression. If we can get him depressed that's still pretty good.

[Lindaru]

I think the storm and the money tree kind of got him started in that direction.

 

 

Hang in there, MOI . . . Spring is coming and the sun will be with us more, and I believe sometimes subtle things like that can help us in subliminal ways to feel a bit better and look at things with more hope.

 

[I-missRichardTee]

True Lindaru, but hope without other things, I don't know.

[MathOfInsects]

Hope without trust is bad, but Hope without Crosby is worse.

[Lindaru]

Sinatra thing I would wish to experience.

 

 

[I-missRichardTee]

I did... played for both Sinatra and Hope. Not that that has anything to do with anything including the topic.

[MathOfInsects]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

[drawback]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

CLASSIC!!!!

[Tonysounds]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

Da Nile is not just a river in Egypt my friend.

[timwat]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

You mean if I had drank a couple buckets of espresso during my divorce, I could have accelerated the entire Kubler-Ross model?

[DulceLabs.com]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

LMAO. Well done, sir.

[Doug White]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

Nice! That is the truth. The thing I learned about the stages of grief as it relates to divorce, vs. death & dying, is your counterpart to the process.

 

One can't expect the other person to fall through the same stages at the same times, and even divorces with the best initial intentions of amicability, can go south very quickly.

 

I went through this in 2006. The initial discussion was, amical split, no lawyers, friends after ... by the time the 90 day wait period was over & the divorce was final, none of those things turned out.

 

My best advice is to keep your expectations very low, like below ground level, throughout the process & beyond.

 

One emotion not on that list is Fear. I close friend of mine, who initiated her divorce, hit that stage many months after the divorce was final and found herself begging (i.e. bargaining) her ex to take her back. It wasn't that she wanted the marriage back, it was the fear of going at it alone and when it hit her, it hit her hard.

[MotiDave]

I cried the first day I sat down all alone in my new apartment, after my friends who helped me move had all left. felt like i just failed, i didn't even care about the wife per se as I didn't enjoy being married to her, it was more a cumulation of feelings of alot of "failures" manifesting in that moment.

 

within 2 weeks I was having more fun than I'd had in years, and the next 8 years (until I got married again) were maybe the best adult years I ever had. it will get better, and it will get better fairly fast once the cord is severed and the break is clean and final. the interim period sucks though, not yet free but no longer married in anything but a legal sense. just hang in, don't sweat little stuff, keep an eye on big picture.

[Philip Clark]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

You're going to focus on yourself. Focus on your music. Build yourself and your confidence up to the point where you don't even need to worry about women. When you've got your own shit together, it draws the opposite sex. But right now, just get good with you again and make yourself the highest priority.

 

When you focus on loving yourself, you can finally let go of the lost relationship, the past, and move on to forgiving your ex and yourself. Yes, it seriously sucks right now. But your life will improve. Just keep your head up and stay on the path.

 

But get good with yourself again.

[Threadslayer]

it will get better, and it will get better fairly fast once the cord is severed and the break is clean and final. the interim period sucks though, not yet free but no longer married in anything but a legal sense.

+1 on this. Others have mentioned it, but I'll chime in too. Do yourself a favor and get physically separated as soon as you can. Living apart together is downright awful and gets worse. Based on personal experience that I hope to never repeat.

[Legatoboy]

So sorry you have to go through this MOI! Really it sucks!

 

I was married for 9 months the 1st go round....after 2 months we both knew it was not going to work and we split up though I did try to keep it together in one final attempt. It still hurt because you really do question your life, life choices and life trajectory .. also, all those latent parental expectations/complexities get looked at again and that can be difficult. Don't beat yourself up.

 

They say the average grieving process for men after a divorce is 3 years and 3 1/2 for woman. I think that was about right for what I went through... 4 years later I meet the right person and have been married for 22 years now...

 

My advice, take some time off ..but at the same time, don't listen to people who will tell you you shouldn't get married again or get into a long term relationship...Each situation with each partner is different and people are as different as fingerprints . .

 

Hang in there, life gets better!

[ademus]

I cried the first day I sat down all alone in my new apartment, after my friends who helped me move had all left. felt like i just failed, i didn't even care about the wife per se as I didn't enjoy being married to her, it was more a cumulation of feelings of alot of "failures" manifesting in that moment.

 

within 2 weeks I was having more fun than I'd had in years, and the next 8 years (until I got married again) were maybe the best adult years I ever had. it will get better, and it will get better fairly fast once the cord is severed and the break is clean and final. the interim period sucks though, not yet free but no longer married in anything but a legal sense. just

hang in, don't sweat little stuff, keep an eye on big picture.

 

Lol! The best years of your life,until you got married? That does not sound like a recommendation for marriage. Every year is the best year of my life because I don't have to mediate my happiness to appease a selfish person. I've got a couple gals that see me as a checkbook with a sexual appendage hanging off of it. They only get one. And, it ain't the checkbook. Lol

[DulceLabs.com]

when a marriage ends there is often a grieving process (e.g., Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).

 

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

CLASSIC!!!!

 

Many are not getting the subtlety of MOI's post.

[MotiDave]

I cried the first day I sat down all alone in my new apartment, after my friends who helped me move had all left. felt like i just failed, i didn't even care about the wife per se as I didn't enjoy being married to her, it was more a cumulation of feelings of alot of "failures" manifesting in that moment.

 

within 2 weeks I was having more fun than I'd had in years, and the next 8 years (until I got married again) were maybe the best adult years I ever had. it will get better, and it will get better fairly fast once the cord is severed and the break is clean and final. the interim period sucks though, not yet free but no longer married in anything but a legal sense. just

hang in, don't sweat little stuff, keep an eye on big picture.

 

Lol! The best years of your life,until you got married? That does not sound like a recommendation for marriage. Every year is the best year of my life because I don't have to mediate my happiness to appease a selfish person. I've got a couple gals that see me as a checkbook with a sexual appendage hanging off of it. They only get one. And, it ain't the checkbook. Lol

I don't believe I offered that recommendation . my story is complicated and not a model for replication.

[Legatoboy]

You are completely off-base here. I really don't feel anything at the moment. I'm just really pissed off. I'd give a kidney not to go through this. It's all just so sad. But I mean, oh well, what are you going to do.

 

Well I did have a few not so nice thoughts and images running through my head during mine because I was also very pissed off. It's OK and normal.... Just as long as you don't act on any of them and break with reality ... I remember the feeling all to well! Things get better but now you need to go through it unfortunately. Look at all the people here who went through one, you is not alone Math...by a long shot!

[ProfD]

When you've got your own shit together, it draws the opposite sex. But right now, just get good with you again and make yourself the highest priority.

That is gospel right there.

 

Of course, taking care of the kids is a foregone conclusion.

 

But, most people do not either "know" or "discover" themselves prior to jumping into relationships. As a result, they carry the same baggage from one situation to the next.

 

Definitely get to know yourself as quoted above. Beyond money and power, self-assuredness, independence and confidence are strong qualities.

 

 

[I-missRichardTee]

[quote=Dreamchilde

You're going to focus on yourself. Focus on your music. Build yourself and your confidence up to the point where you don't even need to worry about women. When you've got your own shit together, it draws the opposite sex. But right now, just get good with you again and make yourself the highest priority. end quote.

 

True true true. This is an example of paradox . And as such is not easy to accomplish when your emotions are engaged.

To say you don't care about sex and love takes a highly integrated man.

But if we can somehow figure out how to get our selves together it is 100% true, women will come from out of the woodwork.

But one cannot be either hurt, or angry or horny and say to himself I am not going to care so I can get me a woman. That seems impossible to me. You must truly not care, not resent, not be in denial just be deeply involved with who you are.

This can get into philosophy spirituality and God forbid it, religion so I will cut it off here!

 

edit ok, I lied, I will add this.. the word self is a very broad term.. what self means will vary depending on who is asked.. whether a Scientologist, atheist, Christian, Muslim , devotee of Ayn Rand, philosopher, philanthropist, epicurean, and so on. The word self is a key word in life. So speaks master hypocrite.

[piano39]

I have got to whine on your shoulders (and I consider you guys my friends). In my case, next week would be 39 years since our first date. Our 35th anniversary is in a few months. To have your spouse kick you to the side of the road after that period of time. Wow.

 

I came home from work the other day to a message on the answering machine from the local hospital. It turns out my wife had a short stay there, but didn't bother to tell me. (We are on a "Trial separation"). When I called her out to find out what was going on (I still love her and am concerned), she was pissed off that the hospital call our house. After all, she TOLD THEM THAT she had a different number. It just blows my mind that she wishes I would just evaporate.

 

In my case, with the 35 year history, and two adult kids, I can't do anything without being reminded of her, or involving her. In other words, I can't seem to follow the advice I see here about cutting all ties and walking away. By the way, this is the EXACT same advice that my counselor tells me.

 

I keep on praying.

 

[MathOfInsects]

Many are not getting the subtlety of MOI's post.

 

I knew going in it was a high-risk mission.

[timwat]

In my case, with the 35 year history, and two adult kids, I can't do anything without being reminded of her, or involving her. In other words, I can't seem to follow the advice I see here about cutting all ties and walking away. By the way, this is the EXACT same advice that my counselor tells me.

 

I keep on praying.

 

Brother, you keep on praying. I'm a 100% believer that until the statutory filing is formalized, there is always hope.

 

That being said, our prayers aren't always answered the way we'd like. If you divorce is finalized, you will need to turn out the lights, cut all the ties, and redefine your life.

 

But no one knows with complete confidence what the future holds. So some of us pray.

[timwat]

Many are not getting the subtlety of MOI's post.

 

I knew going in it was a high-risk mission.

 

I thought it was like a PSAT or GMAT or something.

[DulceLabs.com]

Many are not getting the subtlety of MOI's post.

 

I knew going in it was a high-risk mission.

 

I *almost* fell for it, but then I remembered this little bit.

[MathOfInsects]

 

I knew going in it was a high-risk mission.

 

I *almost* fell for it, but then I remembered this little bit.

 

I've never seen that show. It looks pretty cromulent!

 

[Groove58]

... It just blows my mind that she wishes I would just evaporate.

 

In my case, with the 35 year history, and two adult kids, I can't do anything without being reminded of her, or involving her. In other words, I can't seem to follow the advice I see here about cutting all ties and walking away. By the way, this is the EXACT same advice that my counselor tells me.

 

I remember going through something similar 10 years ago, when my first wife left unexpectedly after 24 years: I saw a couple of counsellors (by myself, because she refused to talk or listen to anyone) in the weeks and months that followed, hoping to find a way to save the marriage, and the thing that eventually stuck with me was when one of the counsellors said, "You keep talking about a relationship, but where is it?"

 

For me, that was a pivotal "reality check", a mental and emotional turning point, at which I realized the marriage was over and began to move on with my life.