Way, Way, Way OT: Divorce

[MorayM]

Great to hear it MOI!

 

The internet can be a negative place (fortunately not very often round here) so positive stories are always a welcome mood lifter

[Theo Verelst]

When I started to participate in certain IMO pivotal discussions here I'd been around the same (female, similar age) woman for a decade or so, for reasons I don't want to into. I don't think religion or creepy mean little subject f*ers or worshippers of evil should get much to say about life's essential subjects, because, well, that seems like a bad idea to me. Taking about your (or mine) favorite Jazz album can make a musician considerably wized up and happier to make sensible decisions about life's questions, I'm sure. Of course there are different life modes with different appeals to intellectually oriented persons and chaotic people divining their way through complicated emotional predicaments and obviously some other possibilities. After good American sources I think rule-licking isn't a very good methodology for most sensible people; musicians who have a sense of beauty and the attractiveness in life should know the difference between proud Mary and floating on a river.

 

T.

[Doerfler]

Exactly.

[MathOfInsects]

Exactly.

 

There is always a certain poetic beauty to it. It's like those algorithms that write in the style of Henry James. The structure is there, and there are great coincidental mash-ups that are better than the intentional ones. But it always adds up to a word-soupy head-scratch.

[stoken6]

Glad to hear you're pulling through MoI. Keep your contribution up here on KC.

 

You too Theo!

 

Cheers, Mike.

[BluesKeys]

HAPPY For you MOI

[Daniel Wade]

 

MOI, Dream, and J Dan I'm so very glad you guys are pulling through the whole divorce thing.I just wanted to let you know about one thing I did while the children were small was to video record as much of the good times as I could. Later on after they were older and had kids of their own I made each child their own copies of the videos and gave them to them. They had forgothen about a lot of these times and we're only remembering a lot of the bad divorce times. It made a world of difference to them, and they were happy to show their children happy times from their childhood with grandpa.

 

 

 

[Josh Paxton]

Sometimes you see someone and think, I dont know what I ever saw in that person. I was hoping Id have that reaction. I didnt. The one I had instead was, I still totally see the things I always saw in that person. But now I also see that they come at a cost I cant afford. That may actually be better.

 

[Lindaru]

Sometimes we just change, sometimes they just change, and sometimes both partners change.

 

Life experience does that to people.

 

:idk

 

[MathOfInsects]

Sometimes we just change, sometimes they just change, and sometimes both partners change.

 

Life experience does that to people.

 

:idk

 

Not me! These are the same sweats I've had on since Monday.

[ProfD]

MOI, another voice of congratulations and encouragement to keep it moving in a positive direction.

 

Start with changing out of those sweats. The new dates might not appreciate that look/flavor.

[MathOfInsects]

Thanks, Prof. I guess that means I have to ditch the wife-beater too, huh?

[The Real MC]

Glad you moved on, MoI. My experience left so many scars that I haven't had an intimate relationship much less a date in 18 years. No anger issues - I just really enjoy being single and I don't want to deal with drama anymore.

[timwat]

I'm glad for you, MoI. As you may remember, I've related my story here before.

 

I'm confident you'll learn some invaluable, but difficult, lessons about yourself, life, and the best version of yourself through this journey.

 

Unlike some around here, I know this community is rich and deep enough to support each other in our most vulnerable moments. I'm living proof of that, being the beneficiary of real support and friendship. That's unique in the world of web forums, and yeah, there are some stray oddballs in the membership, but that certainly doesn't detract from the goodness and value of some of the regulars here I'm proud to call friends.

 

It took me a good 6 years after my divorce to even think about dating. But I came out knowing myself a lot better, which led to me being more confident in the self-awareness. And that means more to the opposite sex than you can ever imagine.

 

My GF of 2+ years and I couldn't be happier. It really feels like I've found that one great love the sappy movies talk about. Obviously, there are no such thing as guarantees, but I can tell you sometimes the darkest journeys of the soul end up with pretty cool endings.

 

Tim

[ProfD]

Thanks, Prof. I guess that means I have to ditch the wife-beater too, huh?

Yeah bro, you're gonna want to cover that up like belly fat.

 

A polo shirt or a fly button-down shirt should suffice.

 

For the love of all mankind, please do not wear those f'n Crocs.

[MathOfInsects]

Thanks, Prof. I guess that means I have to ditch the wife-beater too, huh?

Yeah bro, you're gonna want to cover that up like belly fat.

 

A polo shirt or a fly button-down shirt should suffice.

 

For the love of all mankind, please do not wear those f'n Crocs.

 

Even the camo ones??

[MathOfInsects]

I'm glad for you, MoI. As you may remember, I've related my story here before.

 

I'm confident you'll learn some invaluable, but difficult, lessons about yourself, life, and the best version of yourself through this journey.

 

Unlike some around here, I know this community is rich and deep enough to support each other in our most vulnerable moments. I'm living proof of that, being the beneficiary of real support and friendship. That's unique in the world of web forums, and yeah, there are some stray oddballs in the membership, but that certainly doesn't detract from the goodness and value of some of the regulars here I'm proud to call friends.

 

It took me a good 6 years after my divorce to even think about dating. But I came out knowing myself a lot better, which led to me being more confident in the self-awareness. And that means more to the opposite sex than you can ever imagine.

 

My GF of 2+ years and I couldn't be happier. It really feels like I've found that one great love the sappy movies talk about. Obviously, there are no such thing as guarantees, but I can tell you sometimes the darkest journeys of the soul end up with pretty cool endings.

 

Tim

 

Thanks, Tim. I'm glad to hear you're doing well.

 

I have a couple of logistical hurdles to get past, and of course some time on the tides to remember who I am, sans-ex. But I feel good about it all, and that wasn't a lock going in.

 

Thanks again. I like the scenery here (this board) an awful lot. I don't mind the mosquitos here and there...

[MathOfInsects]

I don't know why I insist on posting this here--probably because I won't or don't talk about it in real life. So feel free to ignore this, but...I have no idea what the date was when I last had a drink. I've informally chosen 8-12-16 because I like the pattern; it's probably not far off. Yes, just a couple of weeks, but it's the longest stretch I've gone in a couple of years.

 

My consumption was in a range that some people would laugh at me for quitting--about a bottle of wine a night, occasionally more, often less. Never during the day. Never when the kids were awake. Never when I played or worked--ever. Always on my "own" time. That's a pretty "mild" way to drink a lot, if you're going to.

 

But I still hit a point where I had a hard time seeing my way out of the habit, and that scared me. I was organizing my whole day around trips to the store for the night's selection. Plus I'm too vain to be chubby, and I was/am getting there!

 

I didn't do any kind of program, or make some big dramatic decision. I just looked at the glass of wine I'd poured one night and thought, "F*^k you." That was literally my whole thought process: "F*^k you." I went and poured it out and have continued to think "F*^k you" each time it's tried to reconcile. Sometimes coming from New York comes in handy...

 

There have been a few gigs where someone's walked by with a beer and I've thought, "That would taste good tonight." But then I can't remember why it's important to me to feel bad the next day. I think, "As it is, I feel fine now, and I'll feel fine tomorrow. If I drink, I'll feel fine tonight but NOT tomorrow." I am unable to escape my own damned logic. So I watch the beer walk away like a woman with a nice ass and am fine just imagining what might have been.

 

I have no idea if it's permanent. But I'm proud of myself. In the midst of my divorce, I'd have every "reason" to drink myself through it--I have always had a tendency toward avoidance and self-medication in times of emotional trouble. But instead I've gone the opposite way. I'm proud of that.

 

The one thing I will say is, man, does alcohol ever move the bar over on how bad you're OK feeling. If someone didn't drink, and woke up feeling like I did on some recent mornings after too little sleep and too much drinking, too many days in a row, they would literally drive themselves to the emergency room on the spot with the reasonable fear that they were in some dire medical duress. Every time I think it might be kinda nice to have a glass of wine with dinner, I remember that I've been pretty happy not being miserable all the time. Besides, I'm getting older, and if I ever AM in medical duress, I want to be able to know, and not just think it's the feeling of drinking too much and sleeping too little.

 

This is not meant to proselytize AT ALL. I admire and envy those of you who can balance consumption with productivity. I just haven't had a chance to reflect on this out loud in real life--and as I say, most people I know wouldn't have thought I drank at all, let alone enough to want to quit.

 

But I'm proud of myself, and figured I'd give myself a chance to say it before it passes in favor of my customary propriety blend of vague self-loathing and crippling personal disappointment.

[mate stubb]

Good for you!

[Lindaru]

No doubt you will look back in a year, remember who you were when you were drinking a lot, and feel like that could not have even been you. That happened to me.

 

1986 to 1998 I could put away 12 bottles of wine cooler or a six pack of beer a night every night. It all started with the band I was in in 1986. Guitar player hubby and band leader drank that much, and silly me, I had to keep up with them. It got to the point where eventually I did not have that yuck feeling the next day. My body just accepted it as a new way of being.

 

Even after the band ended, I would come home most nights from a stressful day job and continue my drinking (amazed I even put together two solo albums during that time).

 

Quit the stressful day job in February 1998 and with current hubby bought property and moved to Idaho.

 

No day job. No others drinking around me (hubby is on medications and cannot drink). So I just quit.

 

I may once every six months or so consume one or two 12 ounce 5% alcohol drinks, but that is it. I do not miss it.

 

So, MOI, you are on the road to being you again.

 

 

[MathOfInsects]

Thanks, Lindaru. Glad to hear you've found such a good path on the "other side."

[Theo Verelst]

Sometimes I have the impression these issues are about types of faith more than personal characteristics and mild or serious addictions. Being forced out of a relationship (which should be wanted by both parties) or being forced to stay in a relationship while one or both parties don't want to can be a matter of social pressure, mores in the (local) society or maybe a personal type of morality (I would imagine that can be the case when kids are involved) . But probably worst/most influential of all are various forms of religious rules or Person(s) (incarnate or not) with capital P. I don't mind religion, of course without talking about it here, who knows I got a serious one of my own; but that's the general impression

I have here.

 

T.

[Synthoid]

Interesting viewpoint, Theo.

[Gretel]

Which issues are about types of faith?

[Synthoid]

Which issues are about types of faith?

 

Not specifically, as religious discussions are verboten.

 

Theo is just referring to possible religious/faith issues that come into play during divorce.

[Gretel]

Ah, I thought he was referring to drinking too much alcohol.

[Synthoid]

That happens as well sometimes.

[MathOfInsects]

Sometimes I have the impression these issues are about types of faith more than personal characteristics and mild or serious addictions. Being forced out of a relationship (which should be wanted by both parties) or being forced to stay in a relationship while one or both parties don't want to can be a matter of social pressure, mores in the (local) society or maybe a personal type of morality (I would imagine that can be the case when kids are involved) . But probably worst/most influential of all are various forms of religious rules or Person(s) (incarnate or not) with capital P. I don't mind religion, of course without talking about it here, who knows I got a serious one of my own; but that's the general impression

I have here.

 

T.

 

I think you're saying that sometimes people hide in substances because they feel trapped, and one of the reasons people can feel trapped is a sense of moral or religious duty (or oppression).

 

That's undoubtedly true.

 

Over the last couple of years, I was pretty clear with myself that I was drinking to cope with a rough situation at home. But in the last few months, something changed: I felt I was drinking for alcohol's sake, and not for mine. I'm a back-into-parking-spots kind of guy; if I can't see the exit, I am not OK. Not seeing the exit from my marriage, made me self-medicate. Then I found the door. Not seeing the exit from the self-medication made me panic, and not knowing how to break the habit compounded it.

 

I feel lucky that I found the "f*^k you" setting when I did. I was not doing well.

 

Again, this is not some big religious conversion or attempt to convert others. My consumption was not really in the "bottoming out" range, and I don't know what I'll decide in the future. But it felt beyond my own ability to stop, and that made me self-conscious of the implications for my relationship with and responsibility for my kids. So I'm proud that I bucked it....

 

[Lindaru]

In reading Theo's response, I was brought back to when I was very young. My youth was spent in the idea that "you married for life, for better or worse". Divorce was scandalous back in the late fifties and sixties, especially in the faith that my outer family maintained and in some friends' families where divorce was either highly frowned on or not permitted.

 

That can certainly lend to a trapped feeling and need for escape. Obligation then eats up what you feel you can control in your life for your own enjoyment and empowerment.

 

I, myself, attempted to stay in something that was not for each of our best interests, and managed to do so for 11-1/2 years before we both admitted it was time to call it quits and move on.

 

I think the whole 11-1/2 years was simply that "you made a commitment, now you better stick to it" mentality that was drummed into both of us when we were very young.

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

But who can tell? I admit that my wife and I have had our rough patches, but we stuck it out. In our case it wasn't religious nor anything like that, but probably both of our stubborn personalities. Clearly, that can be a help or a hinderance when trying to work on a relationship.