OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[SilverDragonSoun]

 

At first glimpse I thought it was going to be an upskirt shot and you were going to make my friday...

 

Dammit I fell into the same trap

[linwood]

I hurt my neck.

[Steve Force]

Cheap beer.

 

[ITGITC]

MAD MAX on HALLOWEEN

 

If you've ever listened to John Boy and Billy's morning radio show, you might appreciate this audio clip.

 

[Mr. Nightime]

MAD MAX on HALLOWEEN

 

If you've ever listened to John Boy and Billy's morning radio show, you might appreciate this audio clip.

 

The Orlando station that had JB&B dropped them in favor of some local bozos.

 

To Quote Mad Max

My Big Ol Butt

[ITGITC]

Ya know things are really getting bad when The Humor Thread is NINE PAGES back.

 

OK, to remedy that, here's a good Blonde Joke.

 

=====================

 

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long plane flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines & tries to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, & if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, & if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

 

This catches the blonde's attention & to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar note & hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer uses his laptop to search the Internet. He uses the Air-Phone; he searches national libraries. He sends e-mails to all of the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde & hands her $500.

 

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up & asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?"

 

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

=====================

 

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Ummmmmm, Happy Friday ya sheep-lovin' HEATHENS.

 

Yeah... I said it.

 

 

 

 

[Garrafon]

Oh, Tom, you can be so b a a a a a a a a d. (spoken like a true sheep)

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

 

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time."

 

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence.

 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[SilverDragonSoun]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's

house for a play date.

 

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

 

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"

the mother replied.

 

"It's not polite."

 

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you

weigh?"

 

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal

questions and are really none of your business."

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and

Daddy get a divorce?"

 

"That is enough questions, young lad y , honestly!"

 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends

begin to play.

 

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the

little girl says to her friend.

 

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look

at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it

has everything on it."

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

 

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find

that out?

 

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

 

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why

you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

 

 

"Because you got an F in sex."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

>A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the

>supernatural.

>

>To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in

>ghosts?"

>

>About 90 students raise their hands.

>

>"Well, that's a good start.Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do

>any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

>

>About 40 students raise their hands.

>

>"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone

>here ever talked to a ghost?"

>

>About 15 students raise their hand.

>

>"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

>

>Three students raise their hands.

>

>"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of

>you ever made love to a ghost?"

>

>

>Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

>

>The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been

>giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

>You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

>

>The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make

>his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the

>professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a

>ghost?"

>

>Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats."

 

[ITGITC]

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats."

 

 

Now THAT'S funny.

 

 

 

[delirium]

"Because you got an F in sex."

 

Thanks SilverDragonSoun! I just got divorced because my wife had also F in sex on her driving license...

plus I've go some interest in goats :grin:

[linwood]

http://break.com/index/drunk-redneck-lawnmower-dui.html

[XKDave]

Sad. America's #1 drug problem.

 

XKDave

[Chris Link]

Two guys are sitting in their icefishing hut, lines in the water, quietly drinking their beers, when the first says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in the last two months."

 

The second guy says, "You know, you oughta think real hard before you do that. A woman like that is pretty hard to find."

[The Real MC]

My PC at work has Flash (I won't put that trash on my home PC) and my instinct tells me - from reading comments - that YT video is not safe for work.

[retrokeys]

As a proud graduate of the University of Kentucky, I'm happy to give you a true story from my time there (as opposed to the ghost story above). My music prof used to give thumbnail biographies of the composers we were studying. He got to Bach and, of course, mentioned his two wives and numerous offspring. He then went on to explain that Bach was much better known in his time as a performer as opposed to composer and mentioned that old Johann kept a spinet harpsichord in the attic of his crowded household in order to stay in practice. We moved on and eventually the class took an examination over this and other material. On the day he handed it back, the prof couldn't stop laughing. It seems that when asked to provide a biography of Bach, one student replied. "Johann Sebastian Bach was a German composer and organist who had two wives and 23 children and kept a spinster in the attic he used to practice on."

[NoLights]

lol! It's said that Bach had 23 children because his organ didn't have any stops.

[Peake]

[SilverDragonSoun]

 

 

Politicians never sees to amaze me with all their political talk. I wonder if it was politically correct?

[linwood]

A musician who's spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He's been turned-down by every record company he's ever contacted. No one seems to recognize his unique genius.So, he decides to top himself, and comes up with an ingenius plan to get back at all the record companies who've rejected him all of his life. He books time at a recording, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says, and every sound he hears, and then copy it all onto 500 CDs, and send one to every record company executive on the list that he hands the engineer.The guy walks into the vocal booth; the red light is on, and he begins....

 

"This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company ass- holes who've ignored me for all these years. I've dedicated my life to writing and performing beautiful, emotive,soul-touching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, and sign these horrible,no-talent, ridiculous, stupid bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of fuckin' morons; you dumb pricks, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to this! Goodbye you fuckin' murderers of art!" With that,he places a gun to his head and blows his brains out. The sound engineer looks up from the console, hits the talk-back button, and says, "Okay. That's fine. I've got a good level.

Let's go for one."

 

 

[ITGITC]

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/beer.jpg

 

 

 

 

[delirium]

http://distractiblemind.ambulatorycomputing.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/WindowsLiveWriter/314012df34e7_10C97/prison_next_right%5B2%5D.jpg

[wmp]

I wish I had a snapshot of my favorite street sign around here to post. I went by there to take a picture once, but somebody had swiped the sign. Though you can google a map of Brookline MA for a rare example of brilliance in urban planning.

 

Devotion Street

Dead End Street

 

 

... actually, this was too easy to google, but the picture is huge.

 

http://lowernotes.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/deadend.jpg

 

 

[Mark Zeger]

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes by and opens his raincoat right in front of them.

 

Immediately, the first lady has a stroke.

 

The second lady has a stroke.

 

The third lady couldn't reach.

 

 

[delirium]

Devotion Street

Dead End Street

 

very inspiring street to live on

[wmp]

Words to live by. I actually dated a lady who lived there. She was very inspired.

 

 

[Chris Link]

A bit of political humor, although some of the commentators don't appear to have any sense of humor at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

Subject: REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

 

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES...

Mother, AKC German Shepherd.

Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.

Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.

Better be a reward.

 

COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

NORDIC TRACK

$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

 

GEORGIA PEACHES

California grown - 89 cents lb.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer $300.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..

WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.

Call Stephanie.

 

AND THE BEST ONE :

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes

Excellent condition

$1,000 or best offer

No longer needed, got married last month.

Wife knows everything.

 

=========================================

 

 

[JeffLearman]

Originally posted by BluesKeys:

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll just go eat some worms.

that's a really odd meter, BluesKeys.

 

In other news, a list of Unfortunate Website Names.

 

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through.

 

1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of The agent that represents a celebrity. Their do! main name is www.whorepresents.com

 

2) 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can Exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

 

3). Looking for a pen ???? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www! .penisland.net

 

4) Need a 'therapist' ???? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

 

5). Then of course, there's the ' Italian Power Generator Company' - www.powergenitalia.com

 

6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

 

7). If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

 

8). Welcome to the First ! Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

 

9). Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

 

10). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ?????? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com

 

Hell, Gangsu! Here I am at work, got a minute waiting for code to compile, just perusing an old thread I'd been ignoring, and now I gotta explain to my co-workers why I have tears in my eyes, doubled over trying to suppress the laughter.

 

Thanks, really.