Your band life, your home life.

[Outkaster]

We have talked over the years here about relationships within a band here and there.  I thought it would be interesting to get opinions from the members of the forum on their band life compared to their home life.  It isn’t to say as a band member that your out there doing drugs or having affairs.  I know those things do happen but sometimes I feel there is a comfort level being with musicians or in a band environment. I know for a lot of people I talk to, that their lives only feel complete playing and performing music.  Most of us work jobs we really don’t want to or that are a pain in the ass. I also feel like that sometimes a spouse or family doesn’t understand that need.   Some musicians feel bands are another kind of family. While there is some truth to that it can go too far also.

 

On the flipside there are musicians I know that are very family oriented and prioritize family over everything.   There isn’t anything wrong with that but the pull of being a musician is a blessing and a curse at times.  Personally, some of my past decisions weren’t well made and it hurst some people because the music had to come first in the past.  I have grown up a lot in that respect, but the pull is always there.  I am curious to see how you all manage things.

[cphollis]

I'm a band leader, and the guideline I've set is "life comes first, then we play music".  So family, work, health and other obligations always take priority, unless there's a gig involved.  Then hard choices have to be made.  Two of our band members make their primary income through performing, the others have days jobs, or are retired like me.

 

Yes, that means we play less often than many of us would like.  But when we do, everyone is fully present and is very appreciative -- and can really engage.  Sure, we'd prefer to be playing music over just about anything else, but that's not always possible.  All of our spouses are very accommodating and enjoy our passion -- within limits.

 

It's working pretty well four years running.

[ProfD]

First and foremost, an individual has to 1) know who they are and 2) build and prioritize their life accordingly. 

 

An individual who has a passion for anything should be upfront and honest about themselves especially when it comes to building relationships. 

 

Most importantly, that individual has to be willing to accept whatever comes with their decisions.

 

I've had to pass up on a  few women because they did not want to play 2nd fiddle to my passion for music and money.😁😎

[lightbg]

I met my wife in college. I was studying music education, she became a Registered Music Therapist. Basically all our friends were musicians, so I had the best of both worlds home and gigging. Even with a few road trips and dry spells the upside of having music as a focal point has kept us on an even keel. Of course there were some conflicts that needed resolving, but nothing was insurmountable. To finalize this story the guys who played our wedding 50 years ago are helping us celebrate that fact at a party this weekend, and I’ll be joining them.

To me music life and home life are indistinguishable. It’s all good.

 

Jake

[D. Gauss]

Band life. Home life. When you have both, they will both be more dysfunctional. Heck, there's a couple of people i've played with for decades and i don't even know where they live. They show up to the gig and i never see/speak to them until the next one unless we're on the road.  Speaking of the road, IMO you don't really have a clue who your other band members are until you've all spent at least a solid week in a van on the road away from home. Those proverbial "other 23 others" when you're not actually playing reveal a lot, especially when things go less than ideal (breakdowns, crappy accommodations, money disappears, etc.).  If you can still tolerate each other after that, you just might last.

[HammondDave]

I once had a wife who kept her distance from my bands. Needless to say, that marriage was destined to fail.
 

Now, I am really lucky man. I now have a partner who completely supports my bands and understands that music and performance are essential parts of my life. What’s better is that she includes herself in the social and professional lives of the band.  She comes to as many gigs as possible, helps me as my roadie, and is a happy member of the WAG’s (wives and girlfriends) of the band.   I could not have asked for more, and love her even more for all that.  

[MathOfInsects]

I will say that it takes a very secure woman (or person) to be with a musician. We're a little like firefighters in that we have this whole separate "home" life with the people we play music with. But more difficult is how "voluntary" a lot of our time looks. People play instruments for a hobby, so from the outside it can look like you're just hanging around poking around on your instrument INSTEAD of poking around on your woman, when you're actually working and using the unstructured time as something constructive and necessary. 

My ex was a musician and even though "practice culture" was definitely part of her mindset, she never did get used to me going off and sitting at the piano when she had other preferences for how I used my time.

I toured Europe with a blues singer the year we got divorced (after the split), and that nicely paid tour is in some of our divorce papers as showing how neglectful I was. In any other field (including her classical world), that would have been evidence of accomplishment and ambition. 

So yeah...it's a thing.   

[El Lobo]

My late wife understood and supported my desire to play live music in bands for the 44 years we were together. I feel I was lucky in that respect, and it was also key to why we were good partners for all that time. My first wife, when we were going together and before we married, kept what she called the "shit list" which was my gig calendar. Needless to say, that marriage ended in divorce. I'm 78, retired, and a widower. I'm playing in 2 regularly rehearsing and gigging bands. I've just been asked to play in a 3rd band. I first declined, then started to think about it and I may go to their next rehearsal, maybe play 1 gig and see how it goes. I'm hyper-aware that life is short and you can't know how much time you've got so I'm conflicted about how much I should try to do at what I call my advanced age. But when I think about it, I've been playing in bands for 60 years. Might as well continue as long as I can do it ... 

[Adan]

This is another one of those topics where the pro/non-pro split is going to be pretty strong. If music is how you pay the bills, your spouse is probably going to sign on with it in a big way. By contrast, if music is how you have fun while making a little walking around money, then it becomes another chip in the never-ending negotiation of who gets to have how much independent fun, where, when, and how. I'm not familiar with the former, very familiar with the latter.

 

In my various relationships and now in my marriage, there is also the elephant in the room, and this elephant is wearing high heels, is on her 4th cocktail, and is trying to flirt with me. That's a major difference between playing in bands and other "hobbies" -- playing in bands can stress-test the trust relationship more so than, say, an enthusiasm for tennis.

 

This was more a problem for me when my wife and I lived in San Francisco and my gigs ran until as late as 1 am. Now I live in a small resort town where everybody knows everybody and it would be impossible for anything untoward to happen that my wife doesn't hear about the next day. In fact my wife and kids are often at my gigs.  Now, the gigging is less thrilling, but also less challenging to the relationship.

[Coker]

When he was young, an old time drummer friend of mine told his soon-to-be wife, “don’t ever make me choose between you and music.”

[Delaware Dave]

Will be married for 40 years later this year, been playing live the entire 40 years. Played in a regional touring band for more than half of those years while being a high flyer at a Fortune 7 company.  No one at work knew that i was in a band, i didnt  know what the reaction would be if they knew so i decided to must keep it mum. Of course much of that time was prior to social media.  So i worked a lot of late hours and also did a fair amount of travel both for business and the band. Somehow managed to survive it all without a crash and burn scenario in my personal life.  There was a time in my mid 30's when my wife asked how much longer i was intending to continue playing and at one point i quit for 6-9 months at which point she suggested that i might want to look for a band ....  

[eric]

I met my future wife at a young age, when I was extremely active in an original touring band that was playing 15-20 nights a month. Plus I was working two other jobs to help pay for college. She got to know me and love me at nearly the peak of my time commitments, when I was barely having time to sleep.

 

Things slowed down a bit after college years and getting married, settling into routines, yet I was still touring and very busy balancing this with a day job. My bandmates at the time were also doing a similar thing, until the time came to make a decision about scrapping our day jobs and going on the road completely full time. I'd argue that gigging 15-20 nights a month was pretty close to full time, in any event.

 

Around this time is when we started to have a family and I was torn between going on the road and being a family man. We learned that we were expecting TWINS and that helped me get clarity on what I'd need to choose in this journey called life. I decided to give my notice to the touring band and gradually phased myself out of it over about a year, playing fewer gigs over time and still going to the studio sessions and being connected.

 

I then took about three years off completely from playing in bands to help raise my kids at a young age. Zero regrets with this decision.

 

Once the kids got a bit older, I started to get the itch to play and I was getting lots of calls. I joined a couple of pick up bands for a few shows and then found a great wedding and corporate business band that was building up a roster of playing 6-8x per month, playing mostly well-paying gigs that were within a 1-2 hour proximity of home. This worked pretty well at the time. I kept getting sucked into smaller projects and I had a hard time saying no, so I extended myself to playing in 2-3 other bands at the same time, just because I was hungry to play and was in demand.

 

I ultimately had to make another decision to cut out the extra bands and focus on just the main band. This all played out well.

 

My wife has always been a fan of my bands and she still loves to come to the reunion shows from my former touring group. She's never been a true "groupie," though she has a lot of awareness for what happens on the road and I've been a very good partner through all of this with fidelity as my top priority. I've found that in some of my more recent bands with musicians that didn't devote their 20s into 30s on the road, that the spouses tend to descend upon all the shows as it's a novelty to them...and there also may be thoughts of "let me keep an eye on my person in this crazy dive bar"...my wife is way past all of that and doesn't really care too much for following me around in various cover bands nowadays.

 

TLDR: I've made some good choices over the years that have given me the ability to balance my musical endeavors and my family.

[Adan]

36 minutes ago, Delaware Dave said:

 No one at work knew that i was in a band, i didnt  know what the reaction would be if they knew so i decided to must keep it mum. 

Maybe that's a different (probably less interesting) thread: "band life and day job life." 

 

I've always done the opposite and shared my band exploits with co-workers, and often had co-workers come out to shows.  That's probably more the norm than keeping it secret. I'm glad I did, though it's not all upside. Occasionally someone makes a snarky comment like "well, if you weren't up late gigging maybe you'd have gotten this project done sooner." But I think overall it's been helpful to have co-workers know more about me, and it's not unusual that when a bunch of them come to a gig they're able to let their hair down and bond in a way they otherwise might not.

 

I have also many times been the ambient piano entertainment at official work parties. That has come about fairly easily, I just go to the party planner and say "hey, can I set up on the sidelines and tickle the ivories?" They always say yes. That's been nothing but a good thing.

[allan_evett]

36 minutes ago, eric said:

...my wife is way past all of that and doesn't really care too much for following me around in various cover bands nowadays.

 

 

Same here. We've been together the past 23 year (married for 15, now). We initially met at a local club - for me not so local then, as I was still living over in Chicago. She's always been supportive of my career choice, through thick and thin. Initially she followed the party-rock band I was with, then some of the country bands that followed. 

Very occasionally she'll come out to a gig, but is somewhat past the whole band and club scene now.  Plus with a 2021 career shift to work in the private sector, she's been quite swamped, work-wise. So downtime to recharge is even more a priority. She still gets out for live music, several times a year, but mostly when we go to concert events. 

[CEB]

I met my wife in 4th grade.  She is great.  Playing was never a problem because when we were young we needed the money.  It was never a ‘hobby’.  
 

Band Life and Family life is separate.  Never had rehearsals in home.  Never wanted the two worlds to mix.   Met a few characters in music I don’t want near my family.   My children are good musicians.  They don’t want anything to do with gigging.  Good for them.  One is an engineer and the other an RN working on her DNP degree.    If I had never played piano I might have amounted to something.  

[RABid]

I have very little contact with past band members. I think one reason is when ever I changed bands, I also changed locations and stepped up in venue size. Some band members encouraged me to take those bigger opportunities, and some talked behind my back, saying I thought I was too good to play with them any more.

 

As for family, I never saw my dad as happy as he was the day I called and said "I'm ready for a job with insurance, retirement and vacation. I want to go back to school and get a degree." His response was "If you will go back to school I will pay for it." 3 1/2 years later I had a BS in computer science and a minor in mathematics.

[Jose EB5AGV]

It has been very interesting to read this thread, as is a way to better know people here. We are not just anonymous posters, we are real people. I could imagine what could have been my life, had I discovered earlier this wonderful world of playing keys and, more generally, music. But that is only a fantasy...

 

The real thing is that, besides some very simple Spanish guitar playing (just basic chords), back when I was 18-20 or so, I didn't got into music until I was 50, about 6 years ago. So during those years, I got married, had four children, worked on R&D (I am a Telecommunication Engineer) and, since June 2012, work at home, fixing mostly radiocommunications electronics (but also some music gear lately 🤩)

 

When I began playing at home, as a hobby, on 2018, my wife thought it would be nice to gift me a piano course on a local music school. And after that, and also some music theory classes, four years later, thanks to a friend, I joined my first band. And since then, she has been supportive with our gigs, attending and helping to carry my gear on most of them so far. And she has also allowed me to build my increasingly big gear collection, including all the needed gear for gigs, and the three music setups I have at home.

 

So I can only thank her for being so supportive on this late-time life hobby which is being so important for me. We are married for 33 years and counting 🥰

 

She will probably never read this, but this will be forever on the Internet archives... I ❤️ you

[Outkaster]

On 4/11/2024 at 1:55 PM, Adan said:

This is another one of those topics where the pro/non-pro split is going to be pretty strong. If music is how you pay the bills, your spouse is probably going to sign on with it in a big way. By contrast, if music is how you have fun while making a little walking around money, then it becomes another chip in the never-ending negotiation of who gets to have how much independent fun, where, when, and how. I'm not familiar with the former, very familiar with the latter.

 

In my various relationships and now in my marriage, there is also the elephant in the room, and this elephant is wearing high heels, is on her 4th cocktail, and is trying to flirt with me. That's a major difference between playing in bands and other "hobbies" -- playing in bands can stress-test the trust relationship more so than, say, an enthusiasm for tennis.

 

This was more a problem for me when my wife and I lived in San Francisco and my gigs ran until as late as 1 am. Now I live in a small resort town where everybody knows everybody and it would be impossible for anything untoward to happen that my wife doesn't hear about the next day. In fact my wife and kids are often at my gigs.  Now, the gigging is less thrilling, but also less challenging to the relationship.

 

 

Well, that's just it.  Being in a band has a lot of temptations compared to something like tennis. Women are always around.  If you have women in the band, you can become attracted to them like any working relationship. That is a whole other thing.  When I had my own band, the singer was after me, you might remember about three years ago I mentioned it on here. Anyway, I almost made a mistake but never did, so my inner morality took over thank God. It's also the reason we can't play in a band anymore.  I also had a lot of good-looking women around the band when I was in my 40's. To be honest most men like that. It seems like for most people like to play music as a way of being "out" without being out drinking at a bar.  There are others that have to play, it's in their DNA.  Most of the people I know are all across the map in terms of playing music.   

[lightbg]

29 minutes ago, Jose EB5AGV said:

  And since then, she has been supportive with our gigs, attending and helping to carry my gear on most of them so far.

Does she have a sister?  

[ProfD]

2 hours ago, Outkaster said:

If you have women in the band, you can become attracted to them like any working relationship. That is a whole other thing.  

Like any working situation or environment, the smarter move is usually not to take a dump where you eat.😎

[jazzpiano88]

5 hours ago, lightbg said:

5 hours ago, Jose EB5AGV said:

  And since then, she has been supportive with our gigs, attending and helping to carry my gear on most of them so far.

Does she have a sister?  

 

Yes.  I'm already married to her.   😂

 

Seriously though.   I met my wife as a friend of the leader of a band I had joined when I was in grad school.   She has supported my music more than me, and is fully behind any musical decision I am ever faced with.  She's been my co-roadie, bodyguard, photographer, sound engineer, and and biggest supporter at nearly every gig since 1990.  She is a fantastic musician as well, and has driven the inspiration on to our kids.  So I consider myself extremely blessed!

 

[Leroy C]

I'm married to my drummer.  We have the same musical goals, and only play together.  So band life intersects with home life pretty well.

 

That's not at all helpful.  I'm just bragging. 

[Markay]

Interesting topic and one on which I have been reflecting  recently.

 

My tentative conclusion is thar a lot comes down to our environment, primarily our relationship and workplace.

 

For the last 20 years of a 40 year marriage I played in cover bands.  I was working in a relatively high pressure workplace and in a relationship which was supportive of my gigging, but not quite gushing with enthusiasm.

 

Notwithstanding the late nights, the load out and the drive home, stone cold sober, I always felt a unique calm that lasted for 24 to 36 hours. A natural dopamine high I guess.

 

Now I am married for the second time I no longer feel the need. I don't gig much and occasionally get together with an originals band, play and lay down some tracks. They have their own studio where some of my gear lives and my load out is a Macbook and controller. I still return home chilled and full of the joy that playing with others brings. However it means much less as I now have much more control over my workplace and I almost resent the time I am not spending with my wife.

[El Lobo]

23 hours ago, Outkaster said:

 

 

...  If you have women in the band, you can become attracted to them like any working relationship. That is a whole other thing.  When I had my own band, the singer was after me, you might remember about three years ago I mentioned it on here. Anyway, I almost made a mistake but never did, so my inner morality took over thank God. ...

I had a jazz-funk group. We added a soprano sax player, a woman. One by one, each of the other 4 guys slept with her. Eventually, they compared notes. 😁 I never slept with her because I had a solid relationship with a woman who was far more attractive and sexy. But women in a band with a bunch of men can create problems. Many years later, we had an excellent woman drummer in my main band. The other guys are all older and married life-long musicians who have been in many bands. No issues. I think the problems happen if you're younger and can't manage your sex drive. It's like learning to drink so you don't get drunk. I like having women in the band. It adds a certain other thing to the music which is hard to define. 

[DJkeys]

I made the decision of starting my home life after my touring days were over.  I still play live, but only a couple of times a month as a hobby now. Now, whatever Band Life I have has to fit into my home life, not the other way around-

 

-dj

[S_Gould]

When I was mostly playing for a living (as well as running a small studio and doing anything in the music/recording line that would pay), I went through a series of girlfriends who would, within 6 months or so do one of 2 things. 1) Say "When are you gonna quit this music shit and get a real job?" or 2) Cheat on me with another musician. Of course, I stuck with the music and said "goodbye" to the cheaters. Finally in my late 40s I met a woman who "got" me. It's been over 20 years now, and we've been through 2 Cat.4 hurricanes together, and nary a peep about my music addiction. May you all be as lucky!

[The Real MC]

Single and I like it that way.  No desire to have an intimate relationship any more - divorced from a bad woman since 2004, that ruined it for me.

[Outkaster]

On 4/13/2024 at 1:37 PM, El Lobo said:

I had a jazz-funk group. We added a soprano sax player, a woman. One by one, each of the other 4 guys slept with her. Eventually, they compared notes. 😁 I never slept with her because I had a solid relationship with a woman who was far more attractive and sexy. But women in a band with a bunch of men can create problems. Many years later, we had an excellent woman drummer in my main band. The other guys are all older and married life-long musicians who have been in many bands. No issues. I think the problems happen if you're younger and can't manage your sex drive. It's like learning to drink so you don't get drunk. I like having women in the band. It adds a certain other thing to the music which is hard to define. 

That's true but it is another layer.  When I had two girls in the band a friend of mine is a licensed therapist and guitarist told me a few things. He said basically you have a relationship with women in the band with no sex and playing music is an intimate thing so bonds are also formed that way. 

[lightbg]

On 4/11/2024 at 12:06 PM, lightbg said:

To finalize this story the guys who played our wedding 50 years ago are helping us celebrate that fact at a party this weekend, and I’ll be joining them.

 

 

Jake

Just a postscript to my earlier response. We had a ball, and then realized that there were over 3 centuries of musical experience performing together. Not bad for a bunch of dinosaurs………

 

 

[SamuelBLupowitz]

A lot of people on the forum know that my wife is one of my regular musical collaborators, both in our shared band Noon Fifteen and working as side players for each other and others. It helps to have a partner who is as invested in music as you are. We have some longstanding collaborators, now with families, whose partners are very supportive and have a great system of direct communication around availability so that we can balance our creative outlets and our family obligations.

 

And then there are the ones whose partners don't seem to like that joyful part of their lives ... that chicken always comes home to roost. It's a bummer how many talented, otherwise excellent people have drifted out of my orbit because their partner seems to resent them for having music be an important part of their lives. Didn't you know that when you got together...?

 

Interesting to see some stories here about the temptations of having other genders in your bands. I remember some drama around that in my teens -- usually the mistake of inviting someone a band member was already attracted to to join up (I did want a saxophone in my 8th grade rock band, Emmie, but I was also in love with you). And of course, how could I forget the time that my high school rock band hired a girl singer who both the guitarist and keyboardist tried to hook up with before she quit in disgust.

 

But most of the time, I've found it pretty easy to compartmentalize my working/musical relationships from my "personal" ones. I tend to view bandmates more as siblings/family, in a way that would feel weird if we hooked up (my wife being a major exception, of course, but we were dating before we ever played music together). But I know that's not the case for everyone, and the emotional intensity of playing music can really make the sparks fly in some cases.

 

Now, certainly, in my single days, getting *attention* from attractive people was something I loved about performing. Not long after my wife started spending time together (but before we were really dating), I invited her to a gig of mine, hoping to impress her, but she was going to be out of town for it. After we'd been in a relationship for a bit, she told me that in truth, she opted not to go because she was feeling the spark between us and was worried that I would suck, and it would ruin it for her. 

 

Just for fun -- here's a video of the best part of our wedding. Instead of doing a First Dance, we performed a "first song" together, Stevie Wonder's "As," accompanied by a slew of our bandmates from various projects.