Your band life, your home life.

[nadroj]

I’ve been having this discussion with my wife. I’m away a lot (3 days a week when gigs start, which they did last month) and my wife finds it incredibly hard. But the extra income is significant, and hard to pass up. 

 

At the start of the year I couldn’t wait til gigs started again. I was at work counting down the days. Even at home with the kids, I found myself yearning for being away again. I’ve decided that the latter isn’t a healthy place to be in.
 

When I’m away with the guys I absolutely love it. From the 8 hour drives in the van, the flights, the crappy service station food, the green room beers, the actual playing, the hotel room/bar beers, the groggy mornings back in the van…I just love everything about it. We’re an 8 piece, but we get on so well together. When we’re away it’s like being on a paid guys away trip. I just love it. 

 

But with two kids, it’s hard. Sometimes I’ll be away and think “I’d rather be home with the kids than in this shitty hotel/green room.” Other times I’ll get back home to “normal” life and feel depressed that it’s

over after 30 minutes. It feels like a lose/lose situation sometimes. I find contentment very hard to grasp.
 

Knowing I’ve got a run of gigs coming up makes getting through work easier, but I’ve had to learn recently to enjoy and be content with my family life too. Gigs are great, but the grass is always greener.

 

We’ve a run of gigs in Autumn where I’m away 3 days in a row for 6 weeks straight. It doesn’t seem like much on paper, but with my 2 kids, 3 days of being a single parent from

Friday-Monday is freaking tough. My wife is a champ, but I joked to the guys that I hope the marriage counselling is included in the gig fee, lol. 
 

We’ve been offered week long stints before, and there have been vague talks of what it would look like if we were offered gigs with actual several week+ tours - support slots, etc. I’d have to think very carefully about it, because it’s already on a knife edge, and my kids won’t be young forever.

[Jose EB5AGV]

21 minutes ago, SamuelBLupowitz said:

A lot of people on the forum know that my wife is one of my regular musical collaborators, both in our shared band Noon Fifteen and working as side players for each other and others. It helps to have a partner who is as invested in music as you are. We have some longstanding collaborators, now with families, whose partners are very supportive and have a great system of direct communication around availability so that we can balance our creative outlets and our family obligations.

 

And then there are the ones whose partners don't seem to like that joyful part of their lives ... that chicken always comes home to roost. It's a bummer how many talented, otherwise excellent people have drifted out of my orbit because their partner seems to resent them for having music be an important part of their lives. Didn't you know that when you got together...?

 

Interesting to see some stories here about the temptations of having other genders in your bands. I remember some drama around that in my teens -- usually the mistake of inviting someone a band member was already attracted to to join up (I did want a saxophone in my 8th grade rock band, Emmie, but I was also in love with you). And of course, how could I forget the time that my high school rock band hired a girl singer who both the guitarist and keyboardist tried to hook up with before she quit in disgust.

 

But most of the time, I've found it pretty easy to compartmentalize my working/musical relationships from my "personal" ones. I tend to view bandmates more as siblings/family, in a way that would feel weird if we hooked up (my wife being a major exception, of course, but we were dating before we ever played music together). But I know that's not the case for everyone, and the emotional intensity of playing music can really make the sparks fly in some cases.

 

Now, certainly, in my single days, getting *attention* from attractive people was something I loved about performing. Not long after my wife started spending time together (but before we were really dating), I invited her to a gig of mine, hoping to impress her, but she was going to be out of town for it. After we'd been in a relationship for a bit, she told me that in truth, she opted not to go because she was feeling the spark between us and was worried that I would suck, and it would ruin it for her. 

 

Just for fun -- here's a video of the best part of our wedding. Instead of doing a First Dance, we performed a "first song" together, Stevie Wonder's "As," accompanied by a slew of our bandmates from various projects.

 

 

Exactly same date, but 28 years later than my marriage (20/10/90). There was just 1/365 chance of being that way 🤩

 

I didn't play that day, thought... I was about 28 years to begin playing... exactly in 2018!. Two coincidences 😅

[jerrythek]

46 minutes ago, lightbg said:

Just a postscript to my earlier response. We had a ball, and then realized that there were over 3 centuries of musical experience performing together. Not bad for a bunch of dinosaurs………

 

 

Warren Vache? Nice...

[lightbg]

1 hour ago, jerrythek said:

Warren Vache? Nice...

My best man 50 years ago. He went on to fame and fortune, I just taught……

[Outkaster]

2 hours ago, SamuelBLupowitz said:

A lot of people on the forum know that my wife is one of my regular musical collaborators, both in our shared band Noon Fifteen and working as side players for each other and others. It helps to have a partner who is as invested in music as you are. We have some longstanding collaborators, now with families, whose partners are very supportive and have a great system of direct communication around availability so that we can balance our creative outlets and our family obligations.

 

And then there are the ones whose partners don't seem to like that joyful part of their lives ... that chicken always comes home to roost. It's a bummer how many talented, otherwise excellent people have drifted out of my orbit because their partner seems to resent them for having music be an important part of their lives. Didn't you know that when you got together...?

 

Interesting to see some stories here about the temptations of having other genders in your bands. I remember some drama around that in my teens -- usually the mistake of inviting someone a band member was already attracted to to join up (I did want a saxophone in my 8th grade rock band, Emmie, but I was also in love with you). And of course, how could I forget the time that my high school rock band hired a girl singer who both the guitarist and keyboardist tried to hook up with before she quit in disgust.

 

But most of the time, I've found it pretty easy to compartmentalize my working/musical relationships from my "personal" ones. I tend to view bandmates more as siblings/family, in a way that would feel weird if we hooked up (my wife being a major exception, of course, but we were dating before we ever played music together). But I know that's not the case for everyone, and the emotional intensity of playing music can really make the sparks fly in some cases.

 

Now, certainly, in my single days, getting *attention* from attractive people was something I loved about performing. Not long after my wife started spending time together (but before we were really dating), I invited her to a gig of mine, hoping to impress her, but she was going to be out of town for it. After we'd been in a relationship for a bit, she told me that in truth, she opted not to go because she was feeling the spark between us and was worried that I would suck, and it would ruin it for her. 

 

Just for fun -- here's a video of the best part of our wedding. Instead of doing a First Dance, we performed a "first song" together, Stevie Wonder's "As," accompanied by a slew of our bandmates from various projects.

 

 

 

Sam, I know both you guys and you make it work. Most other times I notice it has a negative influence on some bands.  For some people it doesn't work and certain times there is some favoritism shown to a spouse, especially if they are married to the lead singer of the band.  Other band members pick up on it and it can make them question leadership.  Luckily it hasn't been too bad with one of the groups I play with.   The temptations are part of human nature on the other hand, and the fact you spend a lot of time with that person.  You just have to stand up to yourself. 

[Adan]

7 hours ago, nadroj said:

I’ve been having this discussion with my wife. I’m away a lot (3 days a week when gigs start, which they did last month) and my wife finds it incredibly hard. But the extra income is significant, and hard to pass up. 

 

At the start of the year I couldn’t wait til gigs started again. I was at work counting down the days. Even at home with the kids, I found myself yearning for being away again. I’ve decided that the latter isn’t a healthy place to be in.
 

When I’m away with the guys I absolutely love it. From the 8 hour drives in the van, the flights, the crappy service station food, the green room beers, the actual playing, the hotel room/bar beers, the groggy mornings back in the van…I just love everything about it. We’re an 8 piece, but we get on so well together. When we’re away it’s like being on a paid guys away trip. I just love it. 

 

But with two kids, it’s hard. Sometimes I’ll be away and think “I’d rather be home with the kids than in this shitty hotel/green room.” Other times I’ll get back home to “normal” life and feel depressed that it’s

over after 30 minutes. It feels like a lose/lose situation sometimes. I find contentment very hard to grasp.
 

Knowing I’ve got a run of gigs coming up makes getting through work easier, but I’ve had to learn recently to enjoy and be content with my family life too. Gigs are great, but the grass is always greener.

 

We’ve a run of gigs in Autumn where I’m away 3 days in a row for 6 weeks straight. It doesn’t seem like much on paper, but with my 2 kids, 3 days of being a single parent from

Friday-Monday is freaking tough. My wife is a champ, but I joked to the guys that I hope the marriage counselling is included in the gig fee, lol. 
 

We’ve been offered week long stints before, and there have been vague talks of what it would look like if we were offered gigs with actual several week+ tours - support slots, etc. I’d have to think very carefully about it, because it’s already on a knife edge, and my kids won’t be young forever.

That's a tough situation. I assume if the money wasn't good, you wouldn't be able to justify to yourself or your partner being away that much. Can't judge you one way or the other on that. 

 

When my first child was born I was in a similar situation, playing in a band that paid decent money but could work around my day job schedule. Also, like with your situation, it was loads of fun and my bandmates were all like best friends. I quit the band, and don't regret it. Those early years with the kids are so special, I'm glad I was there for as much of it as I could be. The gig money was nice, but it didn't make or break us. 

[Polychrest]

My latest sig probably crystallizes the crux of the fidelity issue for most of us.

[TommyRude]

On 4/11/2024 at 8:31 AM, Outkaster said:

A choice:  Your band life or your home life.

Fixed

[Outkaster]

Not sure it's a choice.  You have to deal with people in a band and have some sort of interaction. 

[ProfD]

1 hour ago, Outkaster said:

Not sure it's a choice.  You have to deal with people in a band and have some sort of interaction. 

Musicians should approach being in a band like any other job or business.  It should be all about the music.  Leave that emotional sh8t elsewhere. 😎

[kpl1228]

Probably like many on this forum, I played every weekend FOREVER. Every Friday and Saturday. After missing numerous weddings, funerals, school functions, and family growing up and getting older I started reassessing my priorities.

It took a teenaged kid getting in a life-threatening car accident over a decade ago (she was hurt but is now fine) to slap cold water on me and wake me up to getting me out of the nonstop gig cycle. Life was happening all around me and I was too much in the zone to realize it.

After many years away (I just turned 60), I'm jazzed to start picking up gigs again, though on my terms.

It's nice to no longer think I need to do music to pay the bills. I just thought I needed to do the extra gigs to be a good provider. And I had forgotten the reason i started playing and enjoying music in the first place.

As you get older, you realize that most good local bands play all of the time, and if a band plays only once a month, there's usually musical reasons for that. It then also becomes a question of influence and say within the band hierarchy.....if you want more time off for family and vacations etc, you may have to "settle" for a band of lesser musical quality if you aren't the one booking the gigs, etc...particularly during summer months: the busiest time for gigs but also the season when your family and kids want family vacations and time together.

It's all crazy and the balancing act never ends. But if you value time off and family time, the balancing act becomes much more complex.

A friend of mine once said to me: "A lot of musicians are trying to relive their glory days and forget their current age and home situation, and the spouse and kids suffer." I laughed at it when he said it but I realize as I look at some of my less-responsible and less-well-balanced older musician friends that there is great truth in it sometimes. After all, I was that guy. I played a lot of gigs, but I also missed out.

[HammondDave]

On 4/16/2024 at 10:30 AM, SamuelBLupowitz said:

A lot of people on the forum know that my wife is one of my regular musical collaborators, both in our shared band Noon Fifteen and working as side players for each other and others. It helps to have a partner who is as invested in music as you are. We have some longstanding collaborators, now with families, whose partners are very supportive and have a great system of direct communication around availability so that we can balance our creative outlets and our family obligations.

 

And then there are the ones whose partners don't seem to like that joyful part of their lives ... that chicken always comes home to roost. It's a bummer how many talented, otherwise excellent people have drifted out of my orbit because their partner seems to resent them for having music be an important part of their lives. Didn't you know that when you got together...?

 

Interesting to see some stories here about the temptations of having other genders in your bands. I remember some drama around that in my teens -- usually the mistake of inviting someone a band member was already attracted to to join up (I did want a saxophone in my 8th grade rock band, Emmie, but I was also in love with you). And of course, how could I forget the time that my high school rock band hired a girl singer who both the guitarist and keyboardist tried to hook up with before she quit in disgust.

 

But most of the time, I've found it pretty easy to compartmentalize my working/musical relationships from my "personal" ones. I tend to view bandmates more as siblings/family, in a way that would feel weird if we hooked up (my wife being a major exception, of course, but we were dating before we ever played music together). But I know that's not the case for everyone, and the emotional intensity of playing music can really make the sparks fly in some cases.

 

Now, certainly, in my single days, getting *attention* from attractive people was something I loved about performing. Not long after my wife started spending time together (but before we were really dating), I invited her to a gig of mine, hoping to impress her, but she was going to be out of town for it. After we'd been in a relationship for a bit, she told me that in truth, she opted not to go because she was feeling the spark between us and was worried that I would suck, and it would ruin it for her. 

 

Just for fun -- here's a video of the best part of our wedding. Instead of doing a First Dance, we performed a "first song" together, Stevie Wonder's "As," accompanied by a slew of our bandmates from various projects.

 

 

That was Awesome! I wish you and your beautiful wife better luck in your marriage after performing that song, than I had in my marriage with my ex after playing that song at our wedding.  But it’s obvious from the passion you two displayed, that you have nothing to worry about.  

[Outkaster]

1 hour ago, ProfD said:

Musicians should approach being in a band like any other job or business.  It should be all about the music.  Leave that emotional sh8t elsewhere. 😎

 

 

But a lot of people don't. 

1 hour ago, kpl1228 said:

Probably like many on this forum, I played every weekend FOREVER. Every Friday and Saturday. After missing numerous weddings, funerals, school functions, and family growing up and getting older I started reassessing my priorities.

It took a teenaged kid getting in a life-threatening car accident over a decade ago (she was hurt but is now fine) to slap cold water on me and wake me up to getting me out of the nonstop gig cycle. Life was happening all around me and I was too much in the zone to realize it.

After many years away (I just turned 60), I'm jazzed to start picking up gigs again, though on my terms.

It's nice to no longer think I need to do music to pay the bills. I just thought I needed to do the extra gigs to be a good provider. And I had forgotten the reason i started playing and enjoying music in the first place.

As you get older, you realize that most good local bands play all of the time, and if a band plays only once a month, there's usually musical reasons for that. It then also becomes a question of influence and say within the band hierarchy.....if you want more time off for family and vacations etc, you may have to "settle" for a band of lesser musical quality if you aren't the one booking the gigs, etc...particularly during summer months: the busiest time for gigs but also the season when your family and kids want family vacations and time together.

It's all crazy and the balancing act never ends. But if you value time off and family time, the balancing act becomes much more complex.

A friend of mine once said to me: "A lot of musicians are trying to relive their glory days and forget their current age and home situation, and the spouse and kids suffer." I laughed at it when he said it but I realize as I look at some of my less-responsible and less-well-balanced older musician friends that there is great truth in it sometimes. After all, I was that guy. I played a lot of gigs, but I also missed out.

 

 

Yes, but settling for a band of lesser musical quality is tough to do. That get's old. 

[Stokely]

In my circle--the small-to-medium level weekend warrior cover band circle--I generally have a really dim view of the maturity level of the participants.  I swear half of them just decided they want to relive all the angst and rock star dreams of their teenage years again.   Stealing girlfriends, stealing band members from other bands, talking shit about other people on (anti)social media...it's gross.  

I count myself very fortunate to have stayed in one band for 12 years with  core of great people.  We've had a few yahoos come and go.  Fortunately political ranting has NEVER come up once in the band that I can recall, which is actually pretty astounding considering we've had quite a range of political viewpoints.    Patrons will sometimes get obnoxious with politics (this is Florida after all)  and when they do I just get away from them.

I can relate to the missing out on family stuff...I stepped away from many gigs for a few years when I was getting so tired on Saturday mornings that I was missing my kids' soccer games, and was generally a zombie on the weekends.  They are no older and doing their thing so I'm back at it!   The down side of this was cementing the band as more of a "guitar-oriented" band, they decided to gig without keys for the ones I missed--but it might be that this would have happened anyway.  We are creeping more into the 80s now with some keys-heavy tunes which is more fun for me.

[ProfD]

12 minutes ago, Outkaster said:

But a lot of people don't. 

That's where it helps to have a great traffic cop, er, bandleader or manager. 😎

[Shamanzarek]

Band life only. Never knew there was such a thing as home life.