Favorite music jokes

[bill5]

Mine:

 

Q: You're in an elevator with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and Kenny G. You have a loaded gun but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?

A:  Kenny G. Twice.

 

Apologies to Kenny G fans.     

 

[Mark Zeger]

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

 

Phillip Glass

[KuruPrionz]

A man was on a cruise in the South Pacific and a violent storm ensued. Waves were hurling over the decks. The ship began to sink and the man grabbed a life raft and jumped into the sea. Eventually the storm calmed and he rowed towards an island. As he got closer, the raft began leaking air and he finally swam a considerable distance to the shore and passed out in exhaustion. 

 

When he awoke, he was on a cot in a hut, surrounded by the native people who lived on the island. They were kind but spoke little English. The Chief was more conversant than the rest of the tribe. After a short time, the man realized that there were drums in the distance and he asked "What are those drums?"

The Chief said "Bad when drums stop!"

 

The man recovered from his long swim and the people fed him and took good care of him. The drums continued to play, day and night. Every now and then he would ask the Chief about the drums and the Chief would always answer "Bad when drums stop!!!"

 

One day at lunch time, the drums stopped. All the people in the village hurled themselves to the ground and howled with anguish. 

The man rushed over to the Chief, who was writhing in agony on the ground and asked about the drums. 

 

The Chief said "Bad when drums stop!!! Next come... bass solo!!!!!"

[U.Honey]

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and a jazz musician?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[bill5]

6 minutes ago, KuruPrionz said:

A man was on a cruise in the South Pacific and a violent storm ensued. Waves were hurling over the decks. The ship began to sink and the man grabbed a life raft and jumped into the sea. Eventually the storm calmed and he rowed towards an island. As he got closer, the raft began leaking air and he finally swam a considerable distance to the shore and passed out in exhaustion. 

 

When he awoke, he was on a cot in a hut, surrounded by the native people who lived on the island. They were kind but spoke little English. The Chief was more conversant than the rest of the tribe. After a short time, the man realized that there were drums in the distance and he asked "What are those drums?"

The Chief said "Bad when drums stop!"

 

The man recovered from his long swim and the people fed him and took good care of him. The drums continued to play, day and night. Every now and then he would ask the Chief about the drums and the Chief would always answer "Bad when drums stop!!!"

 

One day at lunch time, the drums stopped. All the people in the village hurled themselves to the ground and howled with anguish. 

The man rushed over to the Chief, who was writhing in agony on the ground and asked about the drums. 

 

The Chief said "Bad when drums stop!!! Next come... bass solo!!!!!"

Now that's just mean!   

[bill5]

I think I saw this elsewhere on this site but forget for sure (translated approximately):

 

A Union Army unit is hunkered down in a canyon in Apache territory and they hear their drums going afar. A solider says "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."

 

Suddenly over the edge of a cliff an Apache shouts out "he's not our regular drummer!"

 

 

[TommyRude]

What did the fox say to the keyboardist?  "Hey man, I noticed you're doing a really good job maintaining the henhouse, repairing the fences and keeping it all together."

 

What did the fox say to the guitarist?  "Hey man, can you get us some chicks?"

[niacin]

My cousin owns around 30 nice guitars. His greatest fear is that when he dies his wife will sell his guitars for what he told her he paid for them.

[SamuelBLupowitz]

This is an oldie that remains one of my favorites, because I can clearly remember my middle school band director (a grown adult man) telling it to our two oboeists (two 13 year old boys). You can substitute the hated instrument of your choice.

 

How do you get two oboeists to play in tune?

Shoot one.

[BenWaB3]

12 hours ago, bill5 said:

Mine:

 

Q: You're in an elevator with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and Kenny G. You have a loaded gun but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?

A:  Kenny G. Twice.

 

Apologies to Kenny G fans.     

 

 

Hey, don't be dissing our idol Kenny G. Actually, I saw him just the other night. He was walking out of an elevator & said, "Man, this place really rocks!!".  Ba-dup, Crash!!!

[BenWaB3]

Q: What's the definition of relative minor?

A: The guitar player's girlfriend.

[BenWaB3]

I had originally heard this one about guitar players, but we can just substitute the word musician instead.

 

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a government bond?

A: A government bond will eventually mature and earn money.

[Old No7]

2 hours ago, BenWaB3 said:

Q: What's the definition of relative minor?

A: The guitar player's girlfriend.

 

I was expecting you to say "younger cousin".............  From West Virginny...........  With 3 teeth missing........

 

Old No7

 

[stoken6]

I arrived at rehearsal last night, and the guitarist was rowing with the bassist. I ask him what the problem is

- "It's that guitar player - he's detuned one of my strings!"

- "So?"

- "He won't tell me which one!"

 

Cheers, Mike.

[BenWaB3]

Q: What does it mean when the guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

A: The stage is level.

[S_Gould]

A Classic:

 

The difference between a rock band and a jazz band; The rock band plays 4 chords for 300 people - the jazz band plays 300 chords for 4 people.

[Old No7]

Just saw this "Blues Dog" image elsewhere...

 

Old No7

 

 

[analogika]

1 hour ago, BenWaB3 said:

Q: What does it mean when the guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

A: The stage is level.

 

I know that one as:

 

Q: How can you tell the stage is level: 

A: The drummer's drooling out both sides of his mouth.

[BenWaB3]

1 hour ago, analogika said:

 

I know that one as:

 

Q: How can you tell the stage is level: 

A: The drummer's drooling out both sides of his mouth.

The variation I heard on that one is:

 

Q: What does a drummer get on their IQ test?

A: Drool.

[BenWaB3]

And since we're on to drummers:

 

Q: Why do drummers have two more brain cells than horses?

A: So they don't crap in the middle of the street during the parade.

 

[Threadslayer]

Q: Whay do guitarists have bigger brains than dogs?

A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

[Canoehead]

Did you hear about the drummer who was so frustrated with his awful sense of time he attempted suicide?

He threw himself behind a train.

[stillearning]

How can you tell that it’s a drummer knocking on your door?

 

The knock keeps speeding up.

[MathOfInsects]

2 minutes ago, stillearning said:

How can you tell that it’s a drummer knocking on your door?

 

The knock keeps speeding up.

And he comes in too soon.

[stillearning]

Not exactly a joke, but I saved this from somewhere years ago…

[stillearning]

8 hours ago, BenWaB3 said:

I had originally heard this one about guitar players, but we can just substitute the word musician instead.

 

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a government bond?

A: A government bond will eventually mature and earn money.

My wife liked this one. Unfortunately.

[MathOfInsects]

David Crosby gets to Heaven (yup, he made it!) and he’s jamming with the house band and Bono walks in. Croz leans over to Jeff Beck and says “I didn’t know Bono died!” and Jeff says “Nah, mate, that’s just God, he thinks he’s Bono…”

[marino]

Since I see that most jokes posted are 40-year old stuff, I'll join with my own, which I have already posted here about 15 years ago. I think that I've heard it for the first time around 1995 - but still my favorite musical joke, so maybe it's worth recycling:

 

A lady walks into a pet store. She's casually looking around when she hears this beautiful singing. She follows the beautiful music and comes upon a cage with two birds in it. In the front of the cage is the prettiest bird she's ever seen, and the melodies it's singing are the most glorious and wonderful she's ever heard.
A sign reads, "One-thousand dollars for the pair."
The lady looks deeper into the cage and way in the back corner she sees this other bird covered with broken, discolored feathers. It's head is down, he's shaking a little, and he's weaving left to right as if in a stupor. It's a pathetic sight.
The clerk comes over and the woman asks, "How much for just the songbird?"
The clerk says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the pair."
The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed and he's hanging his head and weaving back and forth like he's drunk; while this bird is so pretty and happy and its melodies are so beautiful. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"
And the clerk says, "Because he's the composer."

[skipeb3]

Did you hear about the musician that flew cross-country to Washington?

He got off the plane and saw a sign that said, "Welcome To Washington, DC"

So he got back on the plane and flew home.

 

(collective groan)

[BenWaB3]

A musician dies and approaches the Pearly Gates where he's met by St Peter. The guy says, "You must have some fantastic musicians here". Peter says yes but seems a little unenthusiastic. How about guitar players the guy asks & Peter tells him yes, we have everyone from Charlie Christian and Wes Montgomery for the jazz guys to Hendrix & Beck for the rockers. Piano players?' the guy asks. Yes Peter replies with the same underwhelming tone, Oscar Peterson, Keith Emerson, etc. This goes on for a while with the same attitiude so the guy asks, "You have all these unbelievable musicians yet you seem so down about it. Why is that?" Peter replies, "Well, God's girlfriend is a singer.......".