skipeb3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 What did the drummer say to the chick singer? "Do you want this too fast or too slow?" Did you hear about the drummer that locked his keys in the car? Had to break the window to get the bass player out... And then there was the accordion/banjo duo that had a New Years Eve gig. They killed it...everybody loved them. At the end of the night the club owner told them he wanted to hire them for the next New Years gig. They said... "Cool! do you have a place where we can leave our stuff?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MathOfInsects Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 I got the drummer In the band to help me write This haiku 2 Quote Now out! "Mind the Gap," a 24-song album of new material. www.joshweinstein.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoken6 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 7 hours ago, skipeb3 said: "Do you want this too fast or too slow?" 6 hours ago, MathOfInsects said: I got the drummer In the band to help me write This haiku Tempo synced to click Every night the star complained "Faster than last night!" (True story from my MD days) Cheers, Mike. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 16 hours ago, Threadslayer said: Q: Whay do guitarists have bigger brains than dogs? A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Are you sure they still don't? 😃 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Q: What's the first thing a trombone player does on the way home from the job? A: Tale the Domino's sign off the roof of his car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightbg Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 What’s the definition of “perfect pitch”? Throwing a guitar into a dumpster without hitting the lid……… 1 Quote 1967 B-3 w/(2) 122's, Nord C1w/Leslie 2101 top, Nord PedalKeys 27, Nord Electro 4D, IK B3X, QSC K12.2, Yamaha reface YC+CS+CP "It needs a Hammond" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightbg Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 3 musicians are standing before the Pearly Gates. The first one, dressed in a tuxedo with tails tells St. Peter “I’m a world famous concert pianist. I’ve brought happiness to millions with my personal appearances worldwide”. St. Peter replied “Heaven is thrilled to have you here. Just walk up this road and enjoy your stay”. The second one has shades, a sax strap around his neck. “I’m jazz. I was there with Bird, Dizzy, and created the genre”. St. Peter also said “walk up this road and enjoy your stay”. The third guy is wearing a beat up tux jacket with non-matching pants and a fuzzy bow tie. “I’m a club date musician. I’ve made many brides happy and played hundreds of dinner dances”. St. Peter told him “walk up this road and enjoy your stay”. The guy takes a step when St. Peter grabs his shoulder to tell him “But bring your instruments through the kitchen”. 1 2 Quote 1967 B-3 w/(2) 122's, Nord C1w/Leslie 2101 top, Nord PedalKeys 27, Nord Electro 4D, IK B3X, QSC K12.2, Yamaha reface YC+CS+CP "It needs a Hammond" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KuruPrionz Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 5 minutes ago, lightbg said: What’s the definition of “perfect pitch”? Throwing a guitar into a dumpster without hitting the lid……… Perfect pitch is when you toss a banjo into the dumpster, it hits an accordion and they both break. 😃 1 1 Quote It took a chunk of my life to get here and I am still not sure where "here" is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
analogika Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Definition of a Southern Gentleman: One who is able to play the banjo, but doesn't. 2 1 Quote "The Angels of Libra are in the European vanguard of the [retro soul] movement" (Bill Buckley, Soul and Jazz and Funk) The Drawbars | off jazz organ trio Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CullenPowell Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Q: What's the difference between a trombone player and a frog? A: The frog probably has a gig in his future. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 A few years ago I was offered a job playing accordion, so I borrowed one and learned the basics and the job went fine. Afterwards I put it in the back seat for the drive home. I stopped at a convenience store for a drink afterwards. It was in a pretty rough part of town & I didn't remember until I was in the store that the accordion was laying in plain sight on the back seat. I rushed out as fast as I could but discovered I was too late. Someone had smashed the rear window & thrown two more accordions in there. 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MathOfInsects Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the keyboard player can do it better with his left hand. 2 1 Quote Now out! "Mind the Gap," a 24-song album of new material. www.joshweinstein.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MathOfInsects Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 This one is so old it's heard of Bonnie Raitt: A 12-year-old kid goes to a bass teacher for lessons. On the first day, the teacher shows him how to play a single note. "This is the '1,'" he says. "Practice it over and over." So the kid goes home and practices the "1." The next week the teacher shows him another note. "This is the '5.' Practice this one over and over too." So the kid goes home and practices the "1" and the "5." The third week the kid doesn't show up. The teacher calls the mom, and asks where he is. "Oh,' she says. "He'll be gone for a while. He got a job touring with a professional country band." 2 2 Quote Now out! "Mind the Gap," a 24-song album of new material. www.joshweinstein.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skipeb3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillearning Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 The difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? A chainsaw has dynamic range. How is a drummer like a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. 1 Quote I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Q: What's the difference between a saxophone & a lawnmower? A: You can tune a lawnmower. Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a jumbo jet? A: About 2 decibels. Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A: 1. You can throw a violin farther. 2. A viola burns longer. Q: How do you protect a violin? A: Hide it in a viola case. Q: What's the difference in a viola and an onion? A: People cry when you chop up an onion. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Lobo Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Q. What do you call a drummer in a 3-piece suit? A. The defendant. 1 1 Quote These are only my opinions, not supported by any actual knowledge, experience, or expertise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timwat Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 "Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a musician!" "Now dear, don't be silly...you know you can't do both." 2 Quote .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timwat Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Newspaper reporter: "So know that you've won the lottery, tell all our readers what you intend to do!" Jazz musician, after thinking a moment: "I think I'll just keep working until the money runs out." 1 Quote .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 2 hours ago, ITGITC said: You guys are abominable. OK, I'll byte. How many FORUMITES does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb. Fifty to stand around slurping warm PBR, scratching their private parts, and bitching about how XLR outputs on keyboards don't incorporate the fabled Jensen transformer by default. OK, that reminded me of two more. Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to change the bulb and the other three to stand there and say, "I can do that". Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to change the bulb and the other three to stand there and talk about how Dave Weckl would have done it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenWaB3 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 And, oh yeah: Q: How many Jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A-1: Four - One to change the bulb and the other three to bitch because it's electric. A-2: F*#k the changes - just play! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill5 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 lol all. Some great stuff here. And I admit some I don't quite get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Emm Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 3 hours ago, ITGITC said: How many FORUMITES does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb. Fifty to stand around slurping warm PBR, scratching their private parts, and bitching about how XLR outputs on keyboards don't incorporate the fabled Jensen transformer by default. Okay, the polls are now closed. We have our winner. Quote "Why can't they just make up something of their own?" ~ The great Richard Matheson, on the movie remakes of his book, "I Am Legend" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skipeb3 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 I got the drummer In the band to help me write This haiku Very inside... & very funny.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leroy C Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 7 hours ago, MathOfInsects said: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the keyboard player can do it better with his left hand. Damn, I came here to post this one. And I'm originally a bassist! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retrokeys Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Bass solos are banned by the Geneva Convention as torture. Everyone talks during the bass solo. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lou Gehrig Charles Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 11 hours ago, skipeb3 said: I got the drummer In the band to help me write This haiku Very inside... & very funny.... My favorite too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smanzella Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 I stole this but good none-the-less; C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. 1 Quote Yamaha CP-73, Hammond SK Pro 73, Yamaha MODX 7, Roland Fantom 06, Roland VK-8M, Yamaha FS1R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
analogika Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Not strictly musician, but… How many sound guys does it take to change a light bulb? "Sorry — I'm audio only." 1 Quote "The Angels of Libra are in the European vanguard of the [retro soul] movement" (Bill Buckley, Soul and Jazz and Funk) The Drawbars | off jazz organ trio Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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