OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Chris Link]

Why are a fat chance and a slim chance the same thing?

[Legatoboy]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

once-a-more! Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig", she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives". "Hey, coola down, lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

 

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again

 

t

 

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( I have no other time to dry my hair).

 

 

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

 

 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

 

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it's "just" a suggestion).

 

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well.... a bit late huh?)

 

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...nahhh... Really??...)

 

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

 

 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)

 

 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 

 

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

 

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 

 

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 

 

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

This is not a joke, but of love these looks back at the good old days...

 

DO YOU REMEMBER .. ...?

 

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

 

It took 5 minutes for the TV warm up?

 

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

 

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

 

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

 

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

 

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

 

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

 

 

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?

And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

 

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

 

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

 

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . . and they did?

 

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

 

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

 

 

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a "

 

and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

 

 

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

 

 

 

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

 

 

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!

But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

 

 

still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

 

 

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,

Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

 

 

How many of these do you remember?

 

Candy cigarettes

 

 

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

 

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

 

 

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum

 

 

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

 

 

Newsreels before the movie

P.F. Fliers

 

 

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).

Party lines

 

 

Peashooters

Howdy Doody

 

 

45 RPM records

 

 

Green Stamps

Hi-Fi's

 

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Mimeograph paper

Beanie and Cecil

 

 

Roller-skate keys

Cork pop guns

Drive ins

 

 

Studebakers

 

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush Man

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

 

Erector Sets

The Fort Apache Play Set

Lincoln Logs

 

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

35 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn

 

Do you remember a time when...

 

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

 

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

 

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

 

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

 

 

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

 

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

 

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

 

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

 

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

 

 

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

 

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

 

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

 

War was a card game?

 

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

 

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

 

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

 

 

[Mr. Nightime]

"I'm Comin' Beanie Boy!!"

 

Damn, I really feel old now. I remember every one of them.

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

"I'm Comin' Beanie Boy!!"

 

Damn, I really feel old now. I remember every one of them.

 

Me too. Guess its a good thing we still have our memories functional.

 

Help Cecil help, help Cecil help... I can still remember it like it was yesterday.

 

[Gismo Recording]

The only one on your list that I don't remember is Nellie Bell. Who is that?

[MidLifeCrisis]

The only one on your list that I don't remember is Nellie Bell. Who is that?

 

On the Roy Rogers' show there was a jeep named "Nellie Bell."

 

It has been speculated that this was the origin of the phrase "Whoa Nellie".

[SilverDragonSoun]

Lets get this long weekend off on the right foot with some humor!!

 

The half-wit:

 

A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage & Hour Dept claimed

he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to

interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"

demanded the agent.

 

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my farm hand who's been with

me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has

been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and

board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does

about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his

own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.

 

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,"says the agent.

 

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[SilverDragonSoun]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale:

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years .

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

--------------------------------------------------------------- ----

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into

the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come

forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would

you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my

elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait

for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said

"We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

 

----------------------------------------------------- --------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they

would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting

groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,

the bride gave him back his credit card.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax

and get used to the idea.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When

you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are

mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

 

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a

fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in

people's lives."

 

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

------------- ------------ ------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to

you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute"

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is

unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up

men. In fact , she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,

tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is

happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,

what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk

to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your

wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my

advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the

> Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the

> three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

>

> The blondes all nodded.

>

> The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

> Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be

> a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to

> notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars

> and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first

> blonde and Withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you

> notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately

> said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and

> said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of

> his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walk ed

> out

> of the office.

>

> The Detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her

> face

> for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything

> unus ual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The

> detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I

> just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course

> you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde

> sheepishly walked out of the office.

>

> The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

> "This is probably a waste of time, but....." He flashed the photo in her

> face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you

> notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde

> said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned,

> took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers

> in the fold er. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and

> said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he we ars contacts! How in the

> world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

>

> The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye

> and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w).

[MidLifeCrisis]

The 3 tragedies in a man's life

 

1- life sucks

 

2- job sucks

 

3- Wife does NOT!

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When

> asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade

> listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been

> married. She went on and on and on:

> * neglect, * lack of intimacy,

> * emptiness, * loneliness,

> * feeling unloved and unlovable,

> an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of

> their marriage.

>

> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the

> therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to

> stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

>

> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist

> turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least

> three times a week. Can you do this?"

>

> The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off

> here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play tennis."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great

chest you have."

 

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

 

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you

have. The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

 

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the

apartment screaming in fear.

 

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He

catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

 

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after

I saw how short the fuse was."

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

 

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.

"Your name please?"

"Abdul Aziz"

"Sex?"

"Six times a week!!"

"No, no, I mean male or female!"

"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.

"Your name please?"

"Abdul Aziz"

"Sex?"

"Six times a week!!"

"No, no, I mean male or female!"

"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!"

 

[wmp]

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Apparently so. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

[MidLifeCrisis]

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/towlierocks.png

[linwood]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wffwg7pA0t8

[Steve Force]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wffwg7pA0t8

 

ROTFLMAO!!!

 

Look who posted it: Alan Smithee!

 

[SK]

Remarkable.

 

She's equally talented as a dancer and a trumpet player.

[Gismo Recording]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wffwg7pA0t8

That was funny and painful at the same time.

[MidLifeCrisis]

The comment somebody gave to it says it all:

That's why chicks should stick with flute.

[Garrafon]

That's an interesting take on the concept of harmony.

[MidLifeCrisis]

Oldie but goodie - One question IQ test.....

 

 

Count every " F " in the following text:

 

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

 

(SEE BELOW)

 

 

 

 

HOW MANY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRONG, THERE ARE 6-- no joke.

 

 

 

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

 

 

The reasoning behind is further down.

 

 

 

 

The brain cannot process "OF".

 

 

 

 

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

 

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

 

[ITGITC]

Oh my.

 

The only thing that's going to make me feel better is beer.

 

Something tells me that this isn't the first time she's attempted this trick...

 

http://funmansion.com/cool_pictures/women_beer_bong_04.jpg

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

 

At first glimpse I thought it was going to be an upskirt shot and you were going to make my friday...

[ITGITC]

MLC, you're a dirty old man, aren'tcha?

 

I figure that it's better to make you use your imagination - that's a lot better than anything I could post on this forum.