Maintaining Composure Onstage

[The Real MC]

Saw lots of fights when I started gigging in the early 80s, not as many today though. With DWI being strongly enforced, the indiscriminate drinking doesn't happen much anymore.

 

The one fight that stands out in memory spilled out into the street after the barowner shut down the bar. One guy tried to run over the other in his car!

 

Never played a strip bar though...

[Josh Paxton]

Bumping this thread to relate the following experience from two nights ago

 

I'm at one of my regular gigs, at a tourist bar. Near the end of the night I suddenly notice a stream of clear liquid pouring down onto my keyboards from above. I look up and see that it's coming from the hole in the ceiling, which I've been told numerous times was going to be fixed. I've had bits of random crud fall from it onto my rig before, but never liquid. Clearly someone has spilled something upstairs. So I quickly pull my gear back out of the way. The liquid subsides. I ascertain that there's no damage. A door guy brings me a towel. I wipe off my gear and continue with the gig (because I'm an unflappable professional). One of the singers goes upstairs to see what's going on. A couple minutes later she comes back down with a concerned look, some napkins, and a can of Lysol. She hands them to me and says three words: "It was vomit."

 

What???

 

Someone puked upstairs, and that was what had been raining down onto my gear from the hole that had been repeatedly promised to be fixed. Because I am an unflappable professional, I maintain my composure and finish the song we're in the middle of. Then, first order of business: wash my hands. I head to the men's room, only to find that I'm unable to wash my hands there because the sink is full to near overflowing with water and, coincidentally, puke. (I wish I could say this was a rare occurrence. Sadly, the only rare part was the water.)

 

So I go upstairs to use the private bathroom. In it, there's a server girl crying and a guy telling her it's going to be okay. I say I need to use the restroom, and they leave. Not until I have the door closed does it occur to me that she may well have been the person who just puked on me.

 

Next stop, the manager's office. I push past the two other people talking to him, lean over his desk, and say, "FIX. THE. FUCKING. HOLE. TOMORROW. I don't care how, I don't care who you have to talk to. But if you want me to play here tomorrow night, it will be fixed by the time I get here." He quietly replies, "I understand." As I turn to leave, I notice that the two people I pushed past are giving me the stunned, wide-eyed look you give to the formerly quiet, easy-going guy when you see him lose his shit for the first time.

 

Heading back downstairs, I consider my options. I decide that there are times in life when one maintains one's unflappable professionalism, and then there are times when, due to extreme provocation, one says fuck it. And I decide this is the latter. So I leave and go to the bar next door a fairly quiet little watering hole that attracts and fosters much less stupidity than my place of employ. I order a beer, and send the bandleader a text message informing him that I have given myself the rest of the night off and can be found next door, drinking.

 

About 20 minutes later he shows up. He cautiously approaches me and says, "How you doin'?" I'm mildly amused to note that he appears to be genuinely afraid of me at this point. I stop to consider my reply for a moment, then say, "I've been better." Because he is a sane and reasonable person, he's not upset. In fact he says, "Yeah, at first I was like, man, he really should have stayed and finished the set. Then I realized I've never literally been puked on during a gig, so I'm in no position to judge."

 

The rest of the evening involved Lysol, bitterness, and more alcohol.

 

Epilogue: When I got to the gig last night, the hole was fixed. Apparently when the quiet, easy-going, unflappably professional guy goes psycho, stuff gets done.

[Steve Force]

As far as working distractions go, in Canada they used to have a strip stage in many clubs complete with strippers who would do their thing while we were playing. Now there's a distraction for you.

 

It's still a reality, at least in Montreal anyway.

In Detroit we still call it the "Windsor Ballet" (for our brothers living in South Detroit (Which is Windsor, Ontario, Canada for those of us geographically challenged! ))

[Cygnus64]

"It was vomit."

 

I'm unable to wash my hands there because the sink is full to near overflowing with water and, coincidentally, puke.....

In it, there's a server girl crying and a guy telling her it's going to be okay.she may well have been the person who just puked on me.

 

, "FIX. THE. FUCKING. HOLE.

The rest of the evening involved Lysol, bitterness, and more alcohol.......

 

guy goes psycho,

 

Was the name of this place............. The Aristocrats?

[Josh Paxton]

Was the name of this place............. The Aristocrats?

Cygnus64 for the win!

 

[Tonysounds]

No, the Aristocrats almost ALWAYS involved fecal matterdoesnt it?

[Cygnus64]

No, the Aristocrats almost ALWAYS involved fecal matterdoesnt it?

Not when Billy the Mime tells it.

 

We had a situation about 20 years ago in a classical concert hall, there was a stagehand who was a drunk and got fired and he became extremely disgruntled. During an intermission, some audience members went to the lobby and came back to their seats, which were covered in.......urine. I guess the guy snuck in, got up to the catwalk over the audience, and let loose during intermission. They couldn't prove it was him, I thinked they probably changed a few locks after that incident.

[Joe Muscara]

(because I'm an unflappable professional).

 

Because I am an unflappable professional,

 

I decide that there are times in life when one maintains one's unflappable professionalism, and then there are times when, due to extreme provocation, one says fuck it.

 

Epilogue: When I got to the gig last night, the hole was fixed. Apparently when the quiet, easy-going, unflappably professional guy goes psycho, stuff gets done.

I frakking love this story. There is no part of this story that doesn't scream "AWESOME!" I mean, I'm sorry this $#!^ happened to you, but you took care of it. I love it.

 

:thu:

[Eric VB]

jazz gigs (which, as Carlo said above, tend to not attract much riff-raff)

Good thing you're not in Sacramento. Police: Band Leader Opened Fire On Attackers

The Sacramento Police Department says a three-piece jazz band was playing on the patio of the Broiler Steakhouse at 12th Street and K Street when two suspects repeatedly touched one of the band's props, a human-sized cat statue.

[marino]

I definitely have to come to the States in order to see some action at jazz gigs! :D

[HAMEGZ]

Lots of mentions of fights, drunks, and some strip clubs. Distracting to be sure, But no mention of women , ummmm, baring their upper portions in front of the band. Usually for the good looking front man, but the rest of the band does get distracted.

 

Yes it was usually in a honky-tonk and with a country band, BUT did happen at a place on a river with high dollar boats and "city women" who had way too many drinks ...

[Joe P]

(because I'm an unflappable professional).

 

Because I am an unflappable professional,

 

I decide that there are times in life when one maintains one's unflappable professionalism, and then there are times when, due to extreme provocation, one says fuck it.

 

Epilogue: When I got to the gig last night, the hole was fixed. Apparently when the quiet, easy-going, unflappably professional guy goes psycho, stuff gets done.

I frakking love this story. There is no part of this story that doesn't scream "AWESOME!" I mean, I'm sorry this $#!^ happened to you, but you took care of it. I love it.

 

:thu:

 

Best story yet, definitely wins the prize! I'm sorry that happened to you, but at least you were able to find some humor it. Great job!

 

Regards,

Joe

[Tonysounds]

Lots of mentions of fights, drunks, and some strip clubs. Distracting to be sure, But no mention of women , ummmm, baring their upper portions in front of the band. Usually for the good looking front man, but the rest of the band does get distracted.

 

Yes it was usually in a honky-tonk and with a country band, BUT did happen at a place on a river with high dollar boats and "city women" who had way too many drinks ...

Thats not a distractionthats inspiration! Last time that happened was last summer: we played at a festival in Crown Point, Indiana. A reasonably attractive woman of about 30+ who was more than reasonably $hitfaced climbed up onto one of the tables at the front of the stage, and pulled her shirt off and danced during Leave Your Hat On (*but take your shirt off!). Her boyfriend was nonplussed. The crowd was appreciative. We worked to keep her up there as long as we could.

 

There is a local biker bar that does bands outside on Sunday afternoons that Ill do a few gigs at every summer. Ive been trying for 5 years to get the Sunday where they do the bikini bike wash, but the same band gets that gig every year. They will pay for free. (I wont.)

 

[BP3]

Patrons sitting at the bar are face to face with you (separated by the bartenders, whose backs are to you.

That sounds like the old Crazy Horse in DC.

[Marzzz]

No, the Aristocrats almost ALWAYS involved fecal matterdoesnt it?

 

[Gilbert Godfrey voice] No, it was the sweat....oh, the sweat! Enough about the sweat already! [/Gilbert Godfrey voice]

[ProfD]

But no mention of women , ummmm, baring their upper portions in front of the band. Usually for the good looking front man, but the rest of the band does get distracted.

This was a regular occurrence during my gigging days. However, it was not reserved for the frontman.

 

Women would come onstage, take off their tops, bottoms or lift up their skirts and proceed to dance.

 

It was not a distraction at all. Just made for an excellent show. And the band played on....

[ITGITC]

It was not a distraction at all.

 

 

Are you SURE?

[DanL]

I've had 2 WTF moments recently. One, at a casino gig we do, we play outside. There's an awning, with poles holding it up. You can guess what happens. Drunk girl, kinda chunky but cute, short skirt, starts doing the stripper dance with the pole. No panties on, showing it all. Another girl who really knows how to work it (we found out she was a dancer before) starts doing her thing with the pole too. Then she gets on the stage and makes the round of all the band members, grinding on us. My wife is there, so I know if I even acknowledge the girl, I'm in trouble, so when it's my turn, I just keep playing, let her do her thing and thankfully she kept it short. I heard about it the whole way home- how unprofessional it was, how we can't let them do that, yada yada...

 

This past Friday, with my other band, one of our regulars goes out to dinner with our guitar player. He's pretty lit by the time he gets back to the gig. Keeps drinking. Starts doing weird stuff, like squatting down and coming past the "invisible" line that separates the band from the crowd, and playing air guitar right up against the guitar players, stuff like that. He's lurching around and being a distraction because you know he's going to fall into something. Finally he does- our other guitar players mic stand, which has a drink holder attached to it, which has a full Guiness in it. The beer flys all over our guitar players Strat and pedal board. After that the crowd kinda took control. He'd try and get back up front, and they'd "dance" him away by making a human wall and then moving backwards. In general it wasn't a lot of fun because he was so drunk he had no idea what he was doing, and the bar was reluctant to bounce him because he was there with one of our members. Luckily he stayed away from my side of the stage!

[Moonglow]

....Last time that happened was last summer: we played at a festival in Crown Point, Indiana.....

Tony, what festival were you playing in Crown Point?

[Tonysounds]

Hell if I know....it was an ABATE event. (I had to go look it up cuz I honestly couldn't remember what, only the where).

[Moonglow]

Just curious....I may have known that girl.....err, I mean festival!

[J. Dan]

Had a notable one last saturday. We get lots of bachelorette parties on saturdays, and at this particular venue, I setup my keys at the front of the stage. Well a bachelorett party parked themselves right in front of me and the bachelorette made a game out of getting my attention and getting a smile out of me. I tried to kind of ignore her and just put on a show - she wasn't even really all that attractive or anything - but she'd wave her hands and try to get my attention, and every time I'd acknowlege them, they'd all giggle. This all went on for quite a while.

 

Next thing I know, there's kind of a burly guy in front of me motioning me over. I've learned a long time ago to stay where I am. He starts pointing to her, and pointing to his ring finger. I'm trying to read his lips, and figure out that the Bachelorette is marrying his brother. He then lifts his sleeve to show me his U.S.M.C. tattoo. I'm just like, dude, I don't care, I have no interest in her whatsoever! He walked away, but it kind of took the fun out of the whole thing after that.

 

I mean, wouldn't you think he'd address her behaviour with HER? I'm stuck behind the keys, can't choose who parks themselves in front of me.

[Josh Paxton]

At the venue I mentioned above, we get bare breasts probably 50% of the nights we perform, so we're all pretty used to them (which isn't to say ungrateful ). The only time it becomes a problem is when we get women who are so into displaying them, that they won't put them away and won't leave the stage. Last Mardi Gras we had one such woman. She was still up there when it came time for me to do my little solo piano feature at the end of a tune, which I knew was pointless while she was strutting her stuff. So I had the drummer keep a quiet groove going, and I said to her (on mic), "Now sweetie, normally this is the time when I get to play a bunch of fast impressive stuff on the piano, show off for the crowd a little bit, and get them all to yell and cheer for me. But I know damn well that nobody's gonna pay a bit of attention to me as long as you're up here. So since you're so eager to show off what those beauties can do, why don't you bring 'em over here and actually play my keys with them?"

 

So she smiled and danced over to me. Either she didn't understand exactly what I was asking her to do, or she was unwilling, because she didn't actually flop them down onto the keys like I was hoping. (Note: I'm betting each one could have covered at least a major 6th). But she did grind all over me while I played my solo, which was nice, and still had the desired effect on the crowd.

[ITGITC]

So she smiled and danced over to me. Either she didn't understand exactly what I was asking her to do, or she was unwilling, because she didn't actually flop them down onto the keys like I was hoping. (Note: I'm betting each one could have covered at least a major 6th). But she did grind all over me while I played my solo, which was nice, and still had the desired effect on the crowd.

 

Now THAT'S funny!

 

All I know is that once you've seen one pair of breasts...

 

You wanna see all of 'em! - Ron White

 

Tom

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

FKS, you are the king of composure!

[HAMEGZ]

I've had 2 WTF moments recently. Ogrinding on us. My wife is there, so I know if I even acknowledge the girl, I'm in trouble, so when it's my turn, I just keep playing, let her do her thing and thankfully she kept it short. I heard about it the whole way home- how unprofessional it was, how we can't let them do that, yada yada...

 

You brought up a very delicate balancing act when a SO/WIFE/GF is at the gig and this happens. Nature dictates you will be at least a little bit curious to the womans "attributes", and in the spirit of showmanship and public relations at least acknowledge her with a cursory smile. Doing any of this gets one in deep doo-doo with the SO... how does one manage to pull this off gracefully? I have had to agree on the way home for the gig how shamefull it was too.(right).

 

I think as keyboard players we can pull off this distraction and not miss many parts or tempi, just comp on that part.

 

NOW Drummers, when the girl reveals her goodies, the whole song goes to hell.

[kanker.]

At the venue I mentioned above, we get bare breasts probably 50% of the nights we perform, so we're all pretty used to them (which isn't to say ungrateful ). The only time it becomes a problem is when we get women who are so into displaying them, that they won't put them away and won't leave the stage. Last Mardi Gras we had one such woman. She was still up there when it came time for me to do my little solo piano feature at the end of a tune, which I knew was pointless while she was strutting her stuff. So I had the drummer keep a quiet groove going, and I said to her (on mic), "Now sweetie, normally this is the time when I get to play a bunch of fast impressive stuff on the piano, show off for the crowd a little bit, and get them all to yell and cheer for me. But I know damn well that nobody's gonna pay a bit of attention to me as long as you're up here. So since you're so eager to show off what those beauties can do, why don't you bring 'em over here and actually play my keys with them?"

 

So she smiled and danced over to me. Either she didn't understand exactly what I was asking her to do, or she was unwilling, because she didn't actually flop them down onto the keys like I was hoping. (Note: I'm betting each one could have covered at least a major 6th). But she did grind all over me while I played my solo, which was nice, and still had the desired effect on the crowd.

The piano solo suddenly turned into an organ feature....

[Tonysounds]

[mcgoo]

At the venue I mentioned above, we get bare breasts probably 50% of the nights we perform, so we're all pretty used to them (which isn't to say ungrateful ). The only time it becomes a problem is when we get women who are so into displaying them, that they won't put them away and won't leave the stage. Last Mardi Gras we had one such woman. She was still up there when it came time for me to do my little solo piano feature at the end of a tune, which I knew was pointless while she was strutting her stuff. So I had the drummer keep a quiet groove going, and I said to her (on mic), "Now sweetie, normally this is the time when I get to play a bunch of fast impressive stuff on the piano, show off for the crowd a little bit, and get them all to yell and cheer for me. But I know damn well that nobody's gonna pay a bit of attention to me as long as you're up here. So since you're so eager to show off what those beauties can do, why don't you bring 'em over here and actually play my keys with them?"

 

So she smiled and danced over to me. Either she didn't understand exactly what I was asking her to do, or she was unwilling, because she didn't actually flop them down onto the keys like I was hoping. (Note: I'm betting each one could have covered at least a major 6th). But she did grind all over me while I played my solo, which was nice, and still had the desired effect on the crowd.

The piano solo suddenly turned into an organ feature....

 

Was it hard to play the solo?

[ITGITC]

Was it hard to play the solo?

 

You're going to get secret double-banninated for that.