OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[marino]

Ha ha ha!! Thank you... :D

Loved every one of them.

[ITGITC]

Ha ha ha!! Thank you... :D

Loved every one of them.

 

Great!

 

Then I hope you'll like this, Mr. Marino...

 

MY LIVING WILL

 

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.

 

That would be no quality of life at all.

 

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

 

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

 

...She's such a bitch.

 

[BluesKeys]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

 

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

 

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

 

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

 

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

 

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

 

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

 

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

 

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

 

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

 

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

 

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

 

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

 

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

 

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

[ITGITC]

Why I don't drink any more...

 

Of course, I don't drink any less, either.

 

This video is work safe.

 

Klonk Here

[ITGITC]

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

 

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars; and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

 

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

 

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

 

 

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Nice Tom. Never underestimate the value of a dollar!

[SilverDragonSoun]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of

> golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake

> up on Christmas morning,roll out of bed and without

> an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his

> buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in

> and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,

> figure out a way and meet here early Christmas

> morning." Months later, that special morning

> arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The

> first guy says,

> "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife

> such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off

> it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife

> is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up

> to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says

> "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

> reading them manual." They all turned to the last guy

> in the group who is staring at them like they have

> lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to

> such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on

> the arse and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's

> a great morning for either sex or golf'.She said

> ..." Take a sweater."

 

[Andre Lower]

Old, but good:

Four gents were discussing the prime subject for beer-round conversation - their sexual performances. The first guy says:

- I have my tricks. Best one is the Inverted Slope Drive. I have the miss gasping for five long minutes.

Nr. Two cuts in:

- I have my ace as well. Chinese Chandelier. I have her sighing for like ten minutes when we get to it.

Third guy tops it off:

- You guys suck. My trademark slide swing has my lady moaning for about half an hour.

The fourth keeps silent, and after a brief pause one of the others asks him if he has any special antic in his repertoire. Looking half-bored, he says he has his lady screaming for a full day after he is through with his routine. Wide eyed, his friends ask how he does it:

- Nothing special. I just wipe my hands on the curtains...

 

[Andre Lower]

Believe it or not, this is a real story, told by my wifes cousin.

These two ladies were shopping in a fancy mall. One of them had her 5 year old girl along, and left her girlfriend watching over the kid while she went looking at some shopping window some meters away. Then the lady realizes that her girlfriends kid cant stop looking at her. The kid is studying her mothers friend face with a passion, looking at her repeatedly, from several different angles, with that analytical gaze only five year old girls have. Puzzled, she asks what the girl is looking at. Without interrupting her inspection, the kid says my mother keeps saying that you are a double-faced bitch

[ITGITC]

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/Monica.JPG

 

 

 

[Andre Lower]

P L A N A H E A D

 

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go'.

[ITGITC]

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go'.

 

My Dad is 92 years old and in good humor.

 

Do you think I should pass this along to him?

 

[Andre Lower]

Of course you should. At 92 he's bound to know more about humor than both of us together! Chances are he'll laugh harder than us

[SilverDragonSoun]

Once upon a time

in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

 

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine

and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't f#@^in think so.

[ITGITC]

So many of YOU guys are old as dirt.

 

I thought this was appropriate...

 

I laughed out loud at the last one because that's exactly what I was thinking when I woke up this morning.

 

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

 

 

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

Tom,

 

How did you know?

 

Joe

[ITGITC]

 

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

 

The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night."

 

"Well den" said Boudreaux, " jus' give my money back, yeah. "

 

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

 

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

 

"What are you gonna do with him?"

 

"I'm gon-to raffle him off."

 

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

 

"Well dats where you wrong! You wait an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"

 

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

 

He said, "I raffled dat donkey off like I said I was gonna do... Sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998."

 

"Didn't anyone complain?"

 

"Just dat guy who won 'im."

 

"So I gave him his two dollars back."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

A (female) coworker sent me this...

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for t he slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier.

 

 

 

 

[BluesKeys]

Forgive me if this has appeared before on this thread. I am TOO OLD to go looking for it.

 

You Know You're Too Old To Play Gigs When:

 

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your playlist

6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie

7. You lost the directions to the gig

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings

9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

11. The waitress was/is your daughter's classmate.

12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats

14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case

15. You refuse to play without earplugs

16. You ask the c lub owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig

18. Your gig stool has a back

19. You're related to at least one member in the band

20. You don't let any one sit in

21. You need a nap before the gig

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down

24. You prefer a music stand with a light

25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon

26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....

27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location ...

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it.

 

[ITGITC]

Ouch, BluesKeys.

[BluesKeys]

More reasons to DRINK BEER..... whatcha say?

[drawback]

Forgive the length, Forumites. Well worth it!

 

--- drawback

 

 

 

THE WEDDING BAND

 

Dear Mr. Band Leader,

 

My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our daughters wedding. We have a list of songs we would like you to play. Dont worry if you dont know all of them. Any Chick Corea composition would be great, but we would especially like you to play The Three Quartets, No.1" as the guests walk in.

 

For the brides mother, please go right into the piano intro to Quartet No. 2. Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, have it arranged for the full ensemble. Dont play any of the Electric Band songs.

 

Make sure the drummer uses Evans drum heads so his drums sound like Steve Gadd, our favorite drummer.

 

Now, when I walk in, please play Birdland (but the version from Live). My wife and I were at that show, and we particularly like it. If you find it too difficult, you can play Sister Cheryl from Tony Williams Live in Tokyo.

 

Now, for the song in the middle of the Mass during the communion, we want the singer to sing Alan Holdsworths Against the Clock from his Wardenclyffe Tower CD. We love this song and especially the drum solo by Vinnie Colaiuta. We think that its his greatest solo, although some will argue against this. Keep repeating the drum solo till the priest tells you to stop.

 

Any of John Coltranes duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyones cup of tea, but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes. We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the Infernal Dance, or whatever its called, from the Rite of Spring (second version c. 1932). If you want to use the sheet music, thats OK. We like a tempo of about 93 (Ozawa). Faster would be cool, too, but dont play it too slow. That would ruin it.

 

Next, for the life candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappas The Black Page. If you want to play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing it, so you may have to play that part in another key (she majored in voice at UCLA).

 

During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith Jarrett tunes from his Standard Vol. 1 and 2 And, feel free to take things out as far as you like. When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Vareses Ionization? Its such a cool piece. We think it would go over really well: its much better than The Stripper.

 

Now, for the bride and grooms first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barbers Adagio for Strings. Its so much better than Weve Only just Begun or The Anniversary Waltz. When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monks Ruby, My Dear? Thats in honor of my wifes grandmother, whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

 

Then, we would like to hear some nice Mexican music while we eat dinner. We love the sound of Los Ponchos, so any of their hits would be great.

 

Thanks very much for all your help. Well certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. We thought that $50.00 per man for 4 hours would be sufficient. So thats $350.00 for the entire group. If you get our guests dancing, I will throw in an extra $50.00. So, get em dancing.

 

We want you to be set up TWO HOURS before your start time @ 5:00 pm., and do not be late. We dont want to see any cases, bags, coats, boxes, cables, wires, or any unnecessary clutter on the stage or within view of the guests. Play 1 hour and then take a break of no more than 10 minutes, but dont forget, to leave the guitar player or the piano player playing while the rest of the band breaks. Absolutely no drinking! In fact, we dont even want to see the musicians near the bar or food tables.

 

Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go outside quietly where no one can see you.

Of course, no smoking anywhere. Someone will be watching you on your breaks to make sure you dont consume any alcohol. Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich (or, a bandwich as you people call them). And, perhaps a soda to take with you.

 

Oh, and one more thing. . . and this is very important. In between songs, we dont want to hear any musicians practicing licks, or running up and down high speed scales. Nothing sounds worse than hearing musicians all fooling around at the same time. I believe you people like to call it noodling or something like that. But, it is a terrible habit. Its very unprofessional. You dont hear the members of the Berlin Philharmonic noodling around between movements. . . right?

 

We look forward to hearing you play.

 

Sincerely,

The Brides Parents

 

 

AND THE BAND LEADERS REPLY..................

 

Subject: Re: DEAR MR. BAND LEADER

 

Dear Brides Parents:

 

Thank you for your bestowing on us the honor of playing at your daughters wedding. We think the tunes you have asked for will present no problem whatsoever. We actually only know three numbers all the way through, Marzey Doats, Gimme a Pigfoot and a Bucket of Beer, and Achy Breaky Heart but Im sure well be able to vary them a bit so theyll fit all your requests.

 

A plus is that, as at least your guests will be allowed to drink, theyll be so smashed they wont know the difference. Well play em good and loud, too. Dont worry about us drinking - we never touch the stuff. Of course were glad you mentioned nothing about dope as we are all addicts and frequently shoot up on the stand.

You will also enjoy our unique dress code for weddings, inspired by the Stones.

 

We would like to reserve the right to install the brides garter, as when we get good and high you never know what will happen. Nothing wrong with a little Rite of First Night, as they say. If your daughter is a little shy, her mother will do just fine.

 

About the money, or bread, as we musicians like to say, the $350 is OK but there are a couple of extras involved, like social security, retirement, severance pay, medical insurance, instrument insurance, contract administrative costs and union dues. This will bring the total to $2,786.76. I know these little extras are a nuisance, but with all the bread (there it is again!) youll be saving by not feeding us (we musicians only get to eat at gigs, especially the homeless ones without girl friends or, Chicks, as we like to call them) it shouldnt hurt your wallet much.

 

So were really looking forward to entertaining you.

 

Sincerely,

The Bandleader

 

[ITGITC]

HOW TO PEE POLITELY

 

During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

 

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

 

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

 

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

 

And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

 

In his best Jack Nicholson persona, Little Johnny stood up beside his desk and said,

 

"I would say:

 

'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?

 

I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'"

 

(The teacher fainted to the floor...)

 

 

(I luvs Li'l Johnny jokes.)

 

 

[delirium]

http://ticom.tyumen.ru/jokes/itsasony.jpg

[ITGITC]

A WRAP UP SUMMARIZING MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

 

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on

envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician...

 

Have a wonderful day....

 

Oh, by the way.....

 

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

 

=================

 

[Gismo Recording]

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I haven't seen a pay phone in a couple of years.

[ITGITC]

Oh To Be 6 Again...

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

 

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still gazing into the mirror.

 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms!

 

Then he took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

 

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

 

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 

'I meant my dress size, you dumbass!'

 

 

[delirium]

http://www.mediagab.com/promo/9-13-06-wed-promo.jpg

 

bathroom can be dangerous...

[ITGITC]

A Bus Load of Ugly People

 

A bus carrying

> only ugly

> people crashes into an on coming truck, and

> everyone inside dies. As

> they stand at the Pearly

> Gates waiting to

> enter Paradise and meet

> their maker, God decides to

> grant each

> person one wish because of

> the grief they have

> experienced.

>

> They're all lined up, and

> God asks the first one

> what the wish is.

> "I want to be gorgeous,"

> and so God snaps His

> fingers, and it is done.

>

> The second one in line

> hears this and says "I want

> to be gorgeous

> too" Another snap of His

> fingers and the wish is

> granted.

>

> This goes on for a while

> with each one asking to be

> gorgeous, but

> when God is halfway down

> the line, the last guy in

> the line starts

> laughing.

>

> When there are only ten

> people left, this guy is

> rolling on the

> floor, laughing his head

> off.

>

> Finally, God reaches this

> last guy and asks him

> what his wish will

> be. The guy eventually

> calms down and says:

>

> "Make 'em all ugly again."

>

> NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN

> LINE. BE HAPPY

>

> Blessed are the Cracked,

> For they are the Ones

> Who let in the Light!

>

[The Real MC]

Steve was in trouble. He forgot Valentine's Day. His wife was really angry and she told him in no uncertain terms:

 

[font:Courier New]"Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!'" [/font]

 

The next morning Steve got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.