OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[Legatoboy]

A Turtle is crossing the road and inadvertently runs over and kills a snail!

 

The police arrive and ask the turtle...."what exactly went wrong here?"

 

Turtle Responds: "I Don't know, it all happened so quickly!"

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two male lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

 

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them

their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see

if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

 

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe

my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

 

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're

hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

 

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face

up,totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings

on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the

beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

 

One said to the other,

 

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a

woman. It's been such a long, long time. So, do you think we should ...

Well .. You know ... Screw her?"

 

 

 

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which I can relate

 

 

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 

 

Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come?

 

 

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

 

 

 

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

 

 

That, my friends, is Globalization!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[delirium]

http://www.justcomments.com/funnycomments-images/china.gif

[Legatoboy]

Delirium,

 

She obviously gives head! (sorry god!)

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

Delirium,

 

She obviously gives head! (sorry god!)

lb

 

 

I don't know maybe it's just me but I think she has man hands. :grin:

[Legatoboy]

I have know idea what this is but I'm sure it's somewhere in Delirium's house or apartment. Wait! It maybe Kanker's house!

 

lb

 

http://www.icbe.org/blog/wp-content/images/robodump.jpg

[Legatoboy]

Delirium,

 

She obviously gives head! (sorry god!)

lb

 

 

I don't know maybe it's just me but I think she has man hands. :grin:

 

I think it's suppossed to be a transsexual Tibetan monk in the Himalayas...YEAH, that's what it is, that all!

 

probably still gives head.. ! (sorry god)

 

Yep, it does, see!

lb

[Legatoboy]

NEVER PULL OFF THE ROAD TO POOP. . . .OR - DONKEY KONG DINGO!!!

 

 

http://www.esnips.com/doc/55c667e3-0d8b-4558-a945-905fb754fc08/FW_Neverpullofftheroadtopoop

 

You have to down load the folder with the MPEG from my ESNIPS Page...

 

It's the only way I could figure out how to make it availiable lickty split so! Just open the file from my page, it will bring up your Download Manager, download it and when the folder opens , click on the MPEG file, not the Envelope File. . . . It will open your viewer and play it. . .!

 

it's well worth it. . .

 

I scanned the MPEG for viruses, it's clean!

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

NEVER PULL OFF THE ROAD TO POOP. . . .OR - DONKEY KONG DINGO!!!

 

Never Pull Off the Side Of the Road To Poop-e. . . .

 

 

You have to down load the folder with the MPEG from my ESNIPS Page...

 

It's the only way I could figure out how to make it availiable lickty split so! Just open the file from my page, it will bring up your Download Manager, download it and when the folder opens , click on the MPEG file, not the Envelope File. . . . It will open your viewer and play it. . .!

 

it's well worth it. . .

 

I scanned the MPEG for viruses, it's clean!

 

lb

 

 

Tried clicking on the link and this is what I got.

 

 

Broken Link

The link you clicked on is not complete.

If you clicked a link within an e-mail message, please verify that the link was not broken in the middle.

If it is broken, copy and paste the entire link into your browser.

You will be redirected to the eSnips home in a few seconds...

[delirium]

me either, but anyway it's much safer to poop into your pampers when on the road...

[Legatoboy]

ok, I'll try and fix it!

lb

[Legatoboy]

JUST CLICK ON THE RAW LINK BELOW. . . .

NEVER PULL OFF THE ROAD TO POOP. . . .OR - DONKEY KONG DINGO!!!

 

 

http://www.esnips.com/doc/55c667e3-0d8b-4558-a945-905fb754fc08/FW_Neverpullofftheroadtopoop

 

Click on my ESNIP File and 'OPEN' it! It will open the folder and take the MPEG file (the 2nd one). . . .it's crude but should work this way.... it was sent to me as an attachment MPEG, not a URL link!

 

I scanned the MPEG for viruses, it's clean!

 

lb

[delirium]

http://images.hunsa.com/funny/MOJO%20Pic%20funny/bush-sandwich.jpg

[Legatoboy]

Delirium,

 

I love it. . .

 

Yee-Haaw!

 

Carl R is such a donkey isn't he. .. .

 

is something sexual going on or is the guy in front looking for the start button. Maybe Bush has a Run Motor and a Start Motor!!

 

they probably just re-programmed the unit! That's the way Carl probably 'Jump-Starts' him (sorry god)

 

lb

[SilverDragonSoun]

This was sent to me by a lady friend.

 

Male VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

 

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

 

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

 

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

 

MALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

 

2. Put down your car window.

 

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

 

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

 

 

 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

 

6. Put window up.

 

7. Drive off.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

 

2. Reverse and back up the required, amount to align car window with the

machine.

 

3. Set parking brake put the window down.

 

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

 

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

 

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive

Distance from the car.

 

8. Insert card.

 

9. Re-insert card the right way.

 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.

 

11. Enter PIN.

 

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

 

13. Enter amount of cash required.

 

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

 

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

 

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

 

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

 

18. Re-check makeup.

 

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

 

21. Retrieve card.

 

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

 

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

 

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

 

25. Redial person on cell phone.

 

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

 

[K K]

Joke of the day...

 

What's Delirium favorite band? :grin:

 

http://www.cnn.com/interactive/entertainment/0108/atlantic.records/10.abba.jpg

 

Hi Delirium!

 

I love Agnetha too.

[MidLifeCrisis]

Before & After

 

Before the marriage:

 

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

 

She: Do you want me to leave?

 

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

 

She: Do you love me?

 

He: Of course!

 

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

 

He: NO! Why you even asking?

 

She: Will you kiss me?

 

He: Yes!

 

She: Will you hit me?

 

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

 

She: Can I trust you?

 

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top!!!!

[SilverDragonSoun]

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

 

 

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

 

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

 

They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

[delirium]

not only Lewinsky...

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/z/B/clinton_buddy.jpg

[delirium]

http://www.island-life.net/bush_undercover.jpg

[SilverDragonSoun]

 

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a

horrible lie and one which a Christian community

cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed

and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the

party who did this to

stand and ask forgiveness from God and this

Christian family."

 

No one moved.

 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to

face me and admit this is

a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in

your heart you will feel

glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a

body that would stop traffic

rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and

her voice quivered as she

spoke, "Reverend there has been a

terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a

member of the Ku Klux

Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that

you were a wizard under the

sheets."

 

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill

>

> Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp witted

>

> student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that

>

> they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was

>

> required!

>

>

>

>

> His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

>

>

>

>

> Titanic: $29.99

>

> Clinton: $29.99

>

> Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

>

> Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

>

> Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and

>

> subsequent catastrophe.

>

> Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and

>

> subsequent catastrophe.

>

> Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

>

> Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

>

> Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

>

> Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

>

> Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

>

> Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

>

> Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

>

> Clinton: Let's not go there.

>

> Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

>

> Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

>

> Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

>

> Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

>

> Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

>

> Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

>

> Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

>

> Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

 

[ProfD]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.

 

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[ProfD]

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

 

The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

 

"Eight," the boy replies.

 

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

 

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him - he's my brother. He's four.

 

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

 

Right now he can't do either.

 

[delirium]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.

 

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

 

:grin: :grin: :grin:

 

exact same thing happened to me but it was wet carrot...

 

:grin:

 

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

A College Exam Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of

Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2 If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

 

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

 

[Trill]

Midlife :thu:thanks for the laugh

[SilverDragonSoun]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back to school and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

 

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

 

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

 

"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

[SilverDragonSoun]

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,

> well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

>

> "May I help you?" she asked.

>

> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

>

> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would

> prefer someone else," said the madam.

>

> "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

>

> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged

> $5,000 a visit.

>

> Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave

> them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

>

> After an hour, the man calmly left.

>

> The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see

> Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in

> a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was

> still $5,000.

>

> Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went

> upstairs.

> After an hour, he left.

>

> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded

> that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and

> they went upstairs.

>

> After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been

> with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

>

> The man replied, " South Carolina ."

>

> "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina "

>

> "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's

> attorney.

> She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

>

> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain

> 1. Death

> 2. Taxes

> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer*