Left the band due to drugs/alcohol, how do I approach 'PR'?

[scottasin]

So I've been playing with my current band for about a year and a half now and have had a lot of fun and seen a lot of growth in the band and our fanbase. However, the one place where I saw no growth was in the bandleader/songwriter. Put simply, he's a morning to bed alcoholic and has issues with substance abuse as a whole. I didn't realize this when I joined the band, and by the time I did it seemed like those issues were able to be balanced by the other members in the band. That wasn't the case, and in reality I think I was kidding myself. We've got a wonderful fanbase and community that has sprung up around us and I'm close friends with all of our regular fans, and I was afraid of losing that. If I'm not in a band, I don't really have much of a group of folks I like hanging out with. Music has always been my doorway into a social life, and its scary to potentially lose friends because you don't feel right staying in a band.

 

Recently I realized that although the group was on an upward trajectory, its not worth the pain and gamble of being in a group thats anchored around someone who is so unhealthy and inconsistent. The guy writes awesome songs and I love playing them, but I get no joy from stumbling through them and wasting my time at garbage 'rehearsals' when he's drunk. Add on top of that the fact that the rest of the band genuinely thinks they sound better after they've put cocaine up their nose (and they didn't hesitate to do so before live performances) and I sadly have to come to terms with the fact that although these guys are great friends, their goals as musicians and my goals as a musician do not line up. Sadly, we just started recording an album, and the rhythm section already went in for one session and they'll have to scrap the entire set of backing tracks. I feel bad for the timing of my leaving, but its better that I didn't draw it out or put it off, I think.

 

Sorry to vent that out, but I feel the need to give context for what was going on. This morning I sent the guys in the band a facebook message letting them know that I have different goals than them and its better for everyone if I leave. I didn't get into the specifics about drugs/alcohol and only intend to bring that up if they ask for more details. I don't see it as my place to tell them how to live their lives when their habits are so deeply ingrained. So, what is the most graceful way of letting the world know that I've left the band and am a free agent again? When I left my previous band it was a simple matter of saying that I wasn't a fan of the style of music we made and I needed to play the music I wanted. In this case I can't really go out with the whole truth and tell the world I quit the band because the leader is an alcoholic, yaknow? My main goal with this kind of situation is to get through with as few hard feelings as possible, to avoid burning bridges, and to avoid looking like an asshole to other musicians in the scene. I don't want to seem like someone who 'screws over' the bands they work with, which from some lenses this could look like.

[Doerfler]

their goals as musicians and my goals as a musician do not line up.

 

that sums it all up, Scott. You are taking the high road and should be proud of yourself. Don't judge, just move on if it's not right for you.

[drawback]

Hey Scott, Ive been in exactly the same place, with probably the best, most musical, most like-minded players of my long playing life, and I walked for the same reasons. Respect is one of the most basic principles of life. Good for you.

[brenner13]

I mostly loathed the five years while in my most successful band because of LSD...Lead Singer Disorder. The guy had to constantly make the others members feel unworthy and that we should just feel fortunate to be in his general vicinity when inspiration might break. The dude is super talented and writes amazingly hooky tunes and has a charismatic stage presence that drives the girls wild...until the chemicals started to get in the way. He could handle up to a certain amount of whatever enhancement he felt necessary, but it often got the best of him and we were constantly having to cover for his nutty antics at shows while he was over a threshold.

 

Belligerence eventually got the best of us and he got fired from the group. We tried several other singers but the magic was with that drunken arse and we just could not find the substitute fire and creative juice of that pig.

 

The music was damned good, but the experience was gawd awful.

 

Then I joined a cover band. There's still mild drama now and then, and we have to play some terrible tunes for the ten-thousandth time, but the crowd is generally happy and it makes me happy to feel that I've contributed to some of their enjoyment.

 

Looking back, nostalgia longs for the fire, but thankfully rational thought prevails.

 

[MAJUSCULE]

Sounds like the right decision, man. That's too bad, it did seem to be a good thing, but there's no way it would last or develop how you want it to. Good thing you're getting out now, honestly. And yeah, no harm in telling fans the same thing, your goals didn't line up. You can be even more tight-lipped with questions from fans than with bandmates.

[timwat]

Agree with the consensus, Scott. Right decision, and like many right decisions, not without a level of ouch.

 

"Creative differences" or "different musical goals" is the accepted muso speak the same way "irreconcilable differences" is in divorce court. It's the umbrella term that covers everything yet reveals nothing.

 

Always try to take the high road, in private and public. This will pay long-term dividends throughout your career. Your best musical and creative successes are still in front of you.

[HammondDave]

Bad scene... and good for you to think of your own health and get out! Those guys wont last long. Same story for all druggies in the music scene.

[CowboyNQ]

Agree with all of the commentary above.

 

I'm a big believer in "judge not, that ye be not judged", but that said, a professional band is a workplace. I cannot and will not inhabit a workplace where people cannot operate in a professional manner, whatever the cause. Obviously you feel the same way, and more power to you for your clarity of thought and action. Not to mention the respectful way you communicated your decision to your band mates.

 

In terms of communication with fans, MAJUSCULE is on the money. No need to air dirty laundry, just let them know you and the band are travelling differing paths.

 

 

 

[George88]

While certainly not publicly, I believe that expressing your concerns to the band members about how substance-related behaviors impact you holds them accountable and highlights the degree to which their maladaptive behaviors interfere with professional/social function.

 

While you dont have to judge whether they are good or bad people, you are well within your right to discern that this is not a healthy environment and make your feelings known. Perhaps then they may recognize a problem, or they may not. However, you are then on record voicing genuine concern for your friends, and are not sweeping the matter under the rug as many substance abusers require of others (enablers) so that they may continue to use without consequence.

 

I am sorry for your unfortunate situation and hope you find something you feel as good about soon. Good luck and thank you for bringing this topic up.

 

 

[kbrkr]

I don't fault you for leaving a situation that did not match your goals and objectives. That's what positive situations are all about.

 

However, I do fault you for notifying them on Facebook. I have found over the years of group dynamics; Communication sucks. No one EVER addresses the elephant in the room because they don't know how to communicate in a positive fruitful way. I would have confronted them at rehearsal saying that something is troubling you and you wanted to get it out in the open so it doesn't fester. Chances are, there could be others in the band who felt similar to you!!! You have to get into a positive dialog.

 

I'm afraid you took that opportunity away when you messaged people on FB. I would do a post mortem on this situation and learn moving forward; from the smallest issues to the largest issues, we must learn how to communicate effectively!!!!!!

[BbAltered]

1) Life is short. If you have outgrown the band, you are right to leave it.

2) I think it is smart to have the attitude of "I don't want to leave bad feelings and I don't want to burn bridges". It may not be possible to avoid hard feelings: we're talking about alcoholics here, people who are famously thin-skinned. They may trash-talk you just for walking away.

3) If the goal is to avoid hard feelings and leave standing bridges intact, best to keep it generic: "It was really great, and I'm looking forward to my next adventure"; "I need some time off"; "my wife's cousin is having surgery"; whatever.

4) You could try the truth: "We made some great music, but the drugs and alcohol bothered me. I am sad to be leaving". The alcoholics in your crowd will be upset, but everyone else will understand perfectly. This may be your best move towards finding your next situation.

[Outkaster]

People are too worried about someone digging their heals in so they don't say anything. Musicians are passive-aggressive. Sometimes getting in their face is something you need to do...not always but sometimes people need to be told the truth.

[Dockeys]

Id just walk away. Im lucky to be a full time musician so if I worked in another environment where people turned up drunk or high I wouldnt put up with it so why do so in music? That kind of behaviour is unacceptable & lifes too short. Plenty of other (sober) bands and musicians to work with. YMMV.....

[RABid]

Good decision but bad action. You sent them a Facebook message that you are quitting and did not tell them why, in the middle of recording a record? This could come back and hurt you. Be upfront and honest with them. If you don't want to face the singer at least talk directly to the other band members and tell them why you are leaving. Otherwise word could spread that you bailed for no reason in the middle of recording. You come off looking like the bad person, and reputation is hard to repair.

[Outkaster]

That's really true actually. Some musicians are like that around here and it spreads around like a cancer and you end up seeing grudges held for 30 years over dumb stuff.

[CEB]

I'm so tired of stoners and drunks. In general things got better through out the community through the last 15-20 years but with this growing idea that weed is some sort of cure all health food the whole stoners thing is back on the rise. Keep that shit at home and quit getting stoned on rehearsal night.

[Spider76]

I agree that you did 100% the right thing, but was it the best way? A fb message? Not even a last show-up at rehearsals for saying goodbye?

That puts you in a bad light: even if you have all the right reasons, you are being unreliable and unprofessional, just like them.

You may come out as the bad guy who quits for no reason and other bands may think you're not to be trusted, when it's exactly the opposite.

 

I would just tell the truth. "Guys, it's been a great journey but I feel my part is over, it's just not working out for me, wish you all the best."

No need for hard words and no need to get personal, but you owe them an explanation.

 

 

I firmly believe that honesty is always best. I've had my share of unreliable bandmates, and we always tried to address the situation directly, usually resulting in an improved situation or at least in a non-belligerent parting.

 

The only time I really didn't know what to do was when I ended up in a band of fascist and racist as***les. The music was great, but I couldn't stand being associated with them, continually making pranks about "monkeys" and violently insulting people with different opinions. I was actually a bit scared of their reactions because that scum can get violent, and they knew where I live, where I work etc.

So I just started to intentionally play worse and not follow their musical directions, until after a gig they didn't call me anymore for rehearsals, and I didn't call back.

It was just a few months, but man was it a stressful time.

[tfort]

I'd also bring it up at a rehearsal rather than Facebook. Let them know that you're having some doubts about the band over something important and that you wanted to talk about it.

 

Bring up the drug use explicitly, without judgment, but also without blaming yourself for your opinion. State it like it is-- the drug use bothers you and makes you doubt the viability of the band. Let everyone state their opinions and see where it leads.

 

Right now, say you're sorry for the Facebook post, ask for a group meeting. Opening the meeting, apologize again and admit you weren't sure how to bring this up because you didn't want to offend or appear judgmental.

[Adan]

I understand why you'd leave the band, but not why you'd leave in the middle of an album project. Leaving them in the lurch is going to cause bad feelings, and it gives them a narrative that's bad for your reputation as a pro. You may have to counter that narrative with one of your own that it perhaps closer to the truth than you wanted to go.

 

Not to mention that if you finished the album with them, you'd have that in your resume and discography.

 

If it's not too late, I'd tell them that you will finish the album project with them and gig with them for a few months so they have time to find your replacement.

 

But you foresook my advice about going to college, so you'll probably not take this advice either. Ah, Scott, where did I go wrong in raising you?

 

Playing the kind of music we do, it's hard to steer clear of drugs. You try to figure out whether your bandmates are functional or dysfunctional, but sometimes you get it wrong. I have.

 

I can also relate to leaving a band and feeling like you've lost all your best friends. I feel like I've been through that a dozen times at least.

[Legatoboy]

Drugs at that level are very very bad, at rehearsal...NG! But just to give this thread some balance, Big Egos can be just as toxic . . .

[MojoGuyPan]

Sorry for partying.

 

Should have at least had the decency to stay for the album. Did Miles bail on Bird's Savoy sessions cause Bird was shooting up a little?

 

Seriously, leaving in the middle of a recording project is bad and looks bad on you. You could've sucked it up another couple of weeks to at least finish recording everything.

 

Musicians into alcohol and drugs: a shock. You owed it to the band to be professional. I get not wanting to be around the drugs and alcohol and the behavior it produces but you burned some bridges and damaged your rep by leaving the band hanging in the middle of a recording project.

[Outkaster]

Screw their recording project, in his mind he has already left why would you prolong it any further? Mentally he wouldn't be there anyway and it might end up with them having an inferior project. He doesn't owe them shit. If they were paying him it's different. Musicians always think people owe them everything, it's not true. You are dealing with adults that you don't have moral or financial control over. It's not his responsibility to finish the project.

[Joe Muscara]

I don't see it as my place to tell them how to live their lives

This. 100% this.

 

I understand some of the later replies where some are saying you should tell them why. OTOH, an addict will only change when they are ready. Would your comments help them get there? Who knows. You can only do what's right for you. If you think you can tell them why without it causing problems for yourself, I'd encourage you to do that. But if you don't, that's fine too.

 

I also understand the ones who say your timing was poor, but I'm betting you hit your limit. That's entirely up to you to judge.

 

In any case, I'm truly sorry to see you have to leave a project that you otherwise enjoyed. I can only wish you the best finding a new project that is even better.

[David Loving]

It's impossible to work with alcoholics/addicts. At least in my world. Leaving was the correct decision.

[Song80s]

I don't drink ( gave up 1-2 glasses of wine daily some yrs ago).

 

And caffeine is my only ' drug '. Occasional Ibuprofen.

 

Of course, not drinking or not taking some habitual drug is a hard sell.

 

There are strong long term health benefits to the above.

Plus you save a ton of money by not spending it on drugs and alcohol.

 

I am not judging anyone's life style. Everyone has their own

circumstances.

 

And some one has to be the gad fly

 

 

 

[Adan]

Screw their recording project, in his mind he has already left why would you prolong it any further? Mentally he wouldn't be there anyway and it might end up with them having an inferior project. He doesn't owe them shit. If they were paying him it's different. Musicians always think people owe them everything, it's not true. You are dealing with adults that you don't have moral or financial control over. It's not his responsibility to finish the project.

 

Not an obligation thing. I'm looking at it purely from Scott's self-interest.

 

The point I was trying to make is that the band is going to be telling everyone that Scott left them in the middle of a recording project. That's a black mark on his reputation unless he had a good reason for leaving. Which he does, but then he has to tell his unvarnished side of the story. Then the whole thing has been dragged through the gutter.

 

Is finishing the album to avoid the gutter talk a worthwhile tradeoff? That's for Scott to decide. But looking at it from afar, it seems reasonable.

[Adan]

I don't drink ( gave up 1-2 glasses of wine daily some yrs ago).

 

And caffeine is my only ' drug '. Occasional Ibuprofen.

 

Of course, not drinking or not taking some habitual drug is a hard sell.

 

There are strong long term health benefits to the above.

Plus you save a ton of money by not spending it on drugs and alcohol.

 

I am not judging anyone's life style. Everyone has their own

circumstances.

 

And some one has to be the gad fly

 

 

 

I think what's being discussed here is how much you should be willing to tolerate in the people you play music with. If I had followed a zero tolerance policy, my musical adventures would have been much less interesting. But there's also been times when I saw warning signs and should have pulled out sooner than I did. I think it's possible to be mistaken on either side of the ledger.

[synthizen2]

Musicians into alcohol and drugs: a shock.

 

Yeah, exactly. Who woulda thought?

 

Seriously, though...

 

This used to be a bigger problem for me back in the 70s and 80s. The kinds of musicians I've associated with back then... holy crap, you weren't considered "hip" if you didn't do drugs back then. I'm sure a lot of you here can relate.

 

These days, the most I run into is, maybe... a guest coming to see us rehearse will light up a joint in the adjacent room... or some band members have a nice cold beer AFTER the rehearsal. That's about it. No more crazyass $h|t like back in the old days, and that's the way I like it.

 

 

[Song80s]

I don't drink ( gave up 1-2 glasses of wine daily some yrs ago).

 

And caffeine is my only ' drug '. Occasional Ibuprofen.

 

Of course, not drinking or not taking some habitual drug is a hard sell.

 

There are strong long term health benefits to the above.

Plus you save a ton of money by not spending it on drugs and alcohol.

 

I am not judging anyone's life style. Everyone has their own

circumstances.

 

And some one has to be the gad fly

 

 

 

I think what's being discussed here is how much you should be willing to tolerate in the people you play music with. If I had followed a zero tolerance policy, my musical adventures would have been much less interesting. But there's also been times when I saw warning signs and should have pulled out sooner than I did. I think it's possible to be mistaken on either side of the ledger.

 

I guess some might interpret that there was zero tolerance suggested.

I know its not that black and white. I simply pointed out an alternative that works for me.

 

I notice there are compromises and justifications. Thats common in most situations, not just a band gig.

 

The bigger picture is what each individual consciously chooses for him or her self.

 

Just another example, for the heck of it. I would not date a women who was incredibly attractive but was also a little crazy. Lets say she liked to drink.

[Adan]

I would not date a women who was incredibly attractive but was also a little crazy.

 

The problem is that the former blinds you to the latter. Is there an analogy to bands in that? Not sure.