OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[ITGITC]

Hell, Gangsu! Here I am at work, got a minute waiting for code to compile, just perusing an old thread I'd been ignoring, and now I gotta explain to my co-workers why I have tears in my eyes, doubled over trying to suppress the laughter.

 

Thanks, really.

 

Gangsu is sneaky that way.

 

You think she's a mild-mannered piano teacher who participates in the music program at her local church on Sundays.

 

Then, when your head is turned, she slips a but-guster in on ya... just like this one.

 

Go figure.

 

Yeah.

 

[gangsu]

[SilverDragonSoun]

Ok this one is not meant to be stereotypical or racist. Its juts means in good humor.

 

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

 

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... So... Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

 

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

 

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtables?

[SilverDragonSoun]

A little Christmas Humor

 

 

A Christmas Story

 

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

 

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

 

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[delirium]

 

 

http://www.eglobe1.com/word/wp-content/images/photos/funny-sign02.jpg

[Gismo Recording]

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

 

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',

Didn't ask -- her permission,

I'm wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

 

In the store -- there's a teddy,

Little straps -- like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

 

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

 

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

 

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress -- like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

 

Lacy things... missin',

Didn't ask... permission,

Wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

 

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

 

 

[ITGITC]

After going through a virus attack,

 

losing a hard drive,

 

fighting off hackers,

 

upgrading all my software,

 

installing a firewall,

 

being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,

 

and a host of other problems.

 

I have finally fixed my computer...

 

and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to.

 

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/bud.jpg

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

and it comes in a Mac version as well

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/applecomputer.jpg

[DonaldM]

and it comes in a Mac version as well

 

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/applecomputer.jpg [/quote

 

Oh great, now we're gonna have debate about which one fills the mug faster, or tastes better, or preserves the flavor better, or whatever!

[ITGITC]

Oh great, now we're gonna have debate about which one fills the mug faster, or tastes better, or preserves the flavor better, or whatever!

 

Naaaah.

 

There will be no Mac vs. PC debate on this forum.

 

That would only happen if the Mac stole the PC's gigs just to play for exposure.

 

 

 

 

[Leberwurst]

At a trumpet competition, there are two contestants.

 

The first one is a good looking, very well built young gentleman. His tuxedo sits perfectly, and the audience is nearly blinded when he puts out his custom, silvery horn. He puts the trumpet to his mouth and plays an extremely difficult piece with perfect embouchure and a very clear but yet soft tone.

Without a single mistake or a chipped note he finishes his performance. The audience is awed by so much perfection, but still some of the more experienced listeners miss something, they complain about a "lack of feel".

 

All look forward to the second contestant.

 

When he gets on the stage, some murmur arises amongst the auditors. The next player is an old man with white hair, who seems to be climbing the stairs to the stage with huge difficulties. Some say he's 70, others say he's already 80 years old. However, he is surrounded by an aura of wisdom and knowledge. His left hand clutches a wooden cane, his right one his instrument. It is a rusty-looking, brass-red cornet, with squeaking valves an a lot of patina. It looks as if it's over hundred years old.

The people hold their breaths as the man slowly - because of his thin arms -lifts his cornet to his lips. He takes a breath...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...AND HE SUCKED!

 

 

[Leberwurst]

In the previous post, the verb "to suck" was of course not used to describe the physical act of suction (or any other physical act) but meant in its negative connotation (e.g. not to be good).

[ITGITC]

Essays

 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

 

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

 

Here are last year's winners.

 

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup .

 

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

 

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

 

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

19. Shots rang out, as shots are prone to do.

 

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

 

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 

 

 

[Gismo Recording]

Those are great ITGITC. In fact I'm putting my favorite in my sig.

 

[ITGITC]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

 

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

 

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

 

 

 

 

[NoahZark]

A guy and his buddy are out in the woods hunting. One of the hunters looks through the scope on his rifle and says to the other: "Hey, Joe, I can see your house from here, and your wife is cheatin' on you with some other guy."

 

Joe says, "Well, shoot her in the damn head and shoot him in his privates."

 

The first hunter says, "Dang, I can do that in one shot!"

 

:GRIN:

[ITGITC]

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/Richie.jpg

 

This is Richie.

 

He's our drummer from NYC.

 

Mike, our guitarist, just sent over this picture.

 

I guess this is Christmas at Richie's house.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Some humor to ring in the new year!

 

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,

standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

 

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

 

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like

 

most -- cars and men."

 

"What's your name?" she asked.

 

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: I dont know what you are talking about.

The attorney tells the Godfather: He says he doesnt know what youre talking about. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple and says, Ask him again!

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: Hell kill you if you dont tell him! The bookkeeper signs back: OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzos backyard in Queens!

The Godfather asks the attorney: Well, whatd he say? The attorney replies: He says you dont have the balls to pull the trigger.

[SilverDragonSoun]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 

 

"You got Male!"

[SilverDragonSoun]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his

blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the

experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just

couldn't understand why they were killing each other

over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then

for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...

Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Something to get your Friday going with a smile.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, " Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR-- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

Two bonus extras:

 

#1. A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

 

#2. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

 

He never heard the shot..

 

[Gismo Recording]

Those are great SDS. Thanks.

[Mr. Nightime]

A while back I went on a cruise, and the cruise director told this story.

 

Every cruise the passengers place their luggage at the door the night before reaching port so they can be processed. He warned that we needed to remember to keep some clothes for the next day.

 

On one 3 day cruise, these college guys turned it into a 3 day party. One guy partied until the last possible minute. When he returned to his room, he threw all his clothes into his luggage, placed it outside his door, and passed out naked on the bed.

 

The next morning he wakes up and realizes he has no clothes to put on. So he waits until the last possible minute to leave, and wraps a towel around him.

 

Well the stewards are very well trained, and will not allow any ship towels off the ship. So as the guy runs by, the steward grabs the towel, and the guy has to go through customs naked. The lady customes agent just flags him right through. When asked why, she responded, "I could see he had nothing to declare."

 

[Jon May]

<>

 

Reminds me of a supposedly true story, back when "night-soil carts" would travel around the neighbourhood collecting cans of - human waste from each home. One night a truck takes a corner too fast and overturns, spilling crap EVERYWHERE! The police arrive and one says to the driver, "Looks like you had an accident".

Driver says, "Nah I'm doing a stock-take and I'm two turds short!"

[ITGITC]

<>

 

Reminds me of a supposedly true story, back when "night-soil carts" would travel around the neighbourhood collecting cans of - human waste from each home. One night a truck takes a corner too fast and overturns, spilling crap EVERYWHERE! The police arrive and one says to the driver, "Looks like you had an accident".

Driver says, "Nah I'm doing a stock-take and I'm two turds short!"

 

 

OK. I'm from the Southeastern part of the U.S., and I know about slop jars.

 

http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~elkridge/slop%20jar%201%20(2).JPG

 

But this is absolutely beyond me.

 

I've never heard of night-soil carts or those who collect cans of human waste from each home.

 

We have septic tanks. There are companies who will come by, pump them out, and carry the waste away. Is this sorta/kinda the same thing.

 

And, what's a "stock-take"?

 

Sorry for my ignorance. I need to travel out of the country more. (Does Canada count?)

 

 

 

 

 

[Jon May]

Ah cultural exchange! Before septic tanks were thought of pre-1920s),'Night soil' (crap) was collected daily by a guy in a truck or horse-drawn cart going house to house and emptying pans.

 

Fom the pages of history ( a big book!)

 

"...nightsoil could only be carted through the Shire between the hours of ten oclock at night and one o clock in the morning. The human waste was then to be deposited in trenches and properly covered before six oclock. The washings from pans also had to be deposited in trenches and covered before eight oclock.[10] Properly covered meant a layer of earth not less than nine inches in thickness was to be placed over the mess."

 

A young gel remembers...

 

"At the back corner of the yard behind the shed was the toilet, a building about 5 feet square with a seat along the back wall and an oval hole cut in the centre. Below this hole was the metal pan, about 15 inches in diameter, and a little more in height. It would hold about 6 or 7 gallons. There was a little door at the back through which the pan was removed. I cant recall how often the Sanitary Collector or Dunny Man called to collect our offerings. I was often fearful that he might call when I was there. We used to leave him a present on the seat at Christmas. He used to wear a padded leather shoulder piece coming up towards his cap. We used to worry that there might be a spill downs the drive, not thinking of what that might do to him. He used to drive a horse and cart, starting off with a load of cleaned empty pans smelling strongly of phenyl. Instead of toilet paper, squares of newspaper were cut up and using a bag needle string was threaded through so that the newspaper squares could be hung on a nail in the wall."

 

A stock-take is that activity carried out by most businesses from time-to-time, that of counting items in stock. Ah - same as 'taking inventory'? ("... we got us 4 Nord Stages, 2563 git-ar picks...")

 

And now you can read the joke again and quiver with new found mirth :-)

 

 

[ITGITC]

Ah cultural exchange!

 

And now you can read the joke again and quiver with new found mirth :-)

 

 

 

Most excellent.

 

I thank you for the thorough explanation.

 

Tom

 

[Mike Warren]

http://cache.gizmodo.com/assets/resources/2008/01/963rockradio.jpg

[ITGITC]

Top Ten Thoughts For 2008

 

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 

Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

 

Number 2. In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world Is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:

 

'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.