OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[kad]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back to school and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

 

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

 

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

 

"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

 

That was glorious!!! :grin:

[kad]

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high

should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

 

Q You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

 

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words

to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a

pineapple and a twenty.

 

 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get

Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from

the next apartment

 

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or

less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old

question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll

never forget

 

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow

strawberries. Are you going to get any during the

first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy

growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two

subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is

the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or

in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe

in the bedroom.

 

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his

tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would

you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be

afraid of the dark.

 

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong

with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of

people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your

body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly

isn't neglected.

 

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put

horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,

your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

 

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for

its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest

is up to him.

 

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly

believes in them and has actually seen them on at

least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

 

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

 

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love,

Your Son John

 

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

 

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[SilverDragonSoun]

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF)

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

 

 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

 

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 

 

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 

 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

 

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

 

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

 

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

 

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

 

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

 

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

 

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

 

 

Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

 

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

 

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

 

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2007

 

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

 

 

 

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

 

 

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

 

 

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

 

 

 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa ..

 

 

 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

 

 

 

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

 

 

 

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

 

 

 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

 

 

 

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

 

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

 

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

 

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

 

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[MidLifeCrisis]

For the IT guys among us

 

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.

 

The mechanical engineer says: ''Maybe is's a stuck valve''.

 

The electical engineer says: ''Maybe it's a dead battery''.

 

The software engineer says: ''I know. Let's all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it''.

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN

 

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

 

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

 

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

 

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

 

5. Make it dance.

 

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

 

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

 

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

 

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

 

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

 

11. (giggle and point)

 

12. Can I be honest with you?

 

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

 

14. This explains your car.

 

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

 

16. Why is God punishing me?

 

17. At least this won't take long.

 

18. I never saw one like that before.

 

19. But it still works, right?

 

20. It looks so unused.

 

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

 

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

 

23. Are you cold?

 

24. If you get me real drunk first.

 

25. Is that an optical illusion?

 

26. What is that?

 

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

 

28. Does it come with an air pump?

 

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

 

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Wal Mart Greeter

As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal-Mart yesterday a particularly

unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body

odor pushed me aside.

 

Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids,

almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it

around, hitting an older man working there as a Wal Mart Greeter.

 

As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and

friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two children,

"Are they twins?"

 

Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and

the little witch

is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"

 

"No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid

twice."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

CONVERTING BEARS

 

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to

the students of the University of Idaho. They got together two or three times

a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that

preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be

to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to

convert it.

 

Seven days later, they all came together in the hospital room of the Rabbi

to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into

the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from

the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to

slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,

Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is

coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and

both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,

he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle. I went out

and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's

HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD

of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and

DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and

BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a

lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, lying in the

hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out

of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on

it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Retirement Dinner

 

 

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make

the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the

priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

 

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who

entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when

questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen

money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his

boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had,

indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

 

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget

the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor

of being the first one to go to him in confession."

 

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way

through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his

parents gave him.

 

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the

wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a

program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!"

 

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

 

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

 

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -

they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new

one to teach the animals how to READ!"

 

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

 

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

 

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog

can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father meets him at the gate,

and is all excited.

 

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we

left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner,

reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and

asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives

in town?"

 

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

 

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

"That's my boy!"

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.....

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five

years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write

to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not

understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I

became a prostitute..."

 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this family."

 

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum

this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom

mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

 

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye

daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition

convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to

the country club... (takes a breath)... and an

invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board

my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

 

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad!

Sniff, sniff.

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I

thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer

old man a hug."

[SilverDragonSoun]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby

table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since."

 

"My goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The

auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a

demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand

dollars that I can bite my other eye."

 

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand

dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so

he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could

come in here, pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

 

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a

while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the

place would erupt into cheers.

 

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She

walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

 

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of

a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just

look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the

back of the restaurant.

 

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just

long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the

bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me

just because I went to the restroom?"

 

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like

a drink?"

 

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

 

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on

that statue, the lights go out.

 

[NoahZark]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

 

"Yes I do" she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

 

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 25 years?"

 

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

[Apologies if this is a repeat. I confess that I haven't read all 18 pages of the thread, but SDS's recent run inspired me to contribute.]

[linwood]

Keith Jarrett -

 

SNL- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aou8pCr3MtY

[SilverDragonSoun]

I was in Wal Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me for acouple of minutes?"

 

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[Mr. Nightime]

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1318/1029144844_a94e52eb8a_o.gif

[MidLifeCrisis]

Good one Ron!

[Mr. Nightime]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

 

The funny thing is that it really does work.

 

 

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

 

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

 

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

 

4. No one knows your secret place.

 

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

 

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

 

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

 

 

See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

 

[JMcS]

It's in the link, nothing else to say.

 

http://www.livevideo.com/video/Loqwoxone/090906063A76478F8620824A3FEEA95E/dog-humps-duck.aspx?tx_site=dumpalink.com&tx_cid=3716&tx_category=1

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's

farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnnybefore. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but hertits are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends

>$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops

>at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

>"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

> "About 32," is the reply."

>

> "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

>

> A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl

>the very same question.

>

> The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

>

> The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

>

> Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on

>her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and

>asks the clerk this burning question.

>

> The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

>

> Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

>

> While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

>her the same question.

>

> He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

>young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds

>very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

>Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

>

> They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the

>best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

>

> He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

>very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently

>pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against

>each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How

>old am I?"

>

> He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

>says, "Madam, you are 50."

>

> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you

>tell?"

>

> The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

>

> "I promise I won't" she says.

>

> "I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very

faithful

and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in

the

cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off

her

panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and

did

not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath

with a

ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls d id their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally

sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the

other

husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting

to

suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card

stuck

to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 

 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

 

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[Steve Force]

LOL!!! Well-deserved A+

[ITGITC]

Questions That Haunt Me...

 

 

Can you cry under water?

________________________________

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered

assassinated instead of just murdered?

________________________________

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

________________________________

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

________________________________

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

________________________________

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

________________________________

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

________________________________

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

________________________________

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

________________________________

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

________________________________

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in

binoculars to look at things on the ground?

________________________________

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

________________________________

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

________________________________

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

________________________________

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

________________________________

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

________________________________

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

________________________________

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

________________________________

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

________________________________

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

________________________________

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

________________________________

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

________________________________

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

________________________________

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

________________________________

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

======================================

 

Enjoy your weekend. I hope you play music.

 

 

[Ian Sharrock]

Even sillier thoughts...

What does a Digeridoo?

Where does a Tango?

Where did the Mangrove?

 

...I'll stop now before I'm banished from the forum!