OT Really Stupid Customers

[Mr. Nightime]

I'm sure that everyone has experienced the really stupid customer. You know, the guy that requests a song from the singer in the middle of a song, then gets upset when the singer doesn't stop what he's doing to talk to him.

 

Here's a place to share the most unbelievably clueless moves by audience members. I'll start

 

I had a guy tonight come up to me while I was in the middle of a solo, and ask me for a cigarette. He then proceeded to get one from someone else and light it up, and got upset when they made him go outside, because the club was no smoking. Afterward the bartender, as a joke, came up and asked me for a cigarette.

 

What a Maroon.

 

[marino]

I've told this one before:

 

During a solo piano gig, in front of a perfectly quiet audience, an old lady entered the club, and started tapping my shoulder with insistence from behind. When I stopped playing and turned around in disbelief, she took a flash picture of me and left without saying a word, with the most idiotic smile on her face.

[stoo schultz]

Well the guy that jumped onstage and poured a beer over his head, shorting out the power of the entire club, comes to mind.

[latchmo]

I was playing an outdoor private function in a small park when an eldery gentleman walking with a cane entered the park from the street, slowly made his way to the stage, dropped the cane and then latched on to the neck of the bass player's bass. A comical tug-of-war ensued. The bass player prevailed and someone kindly led the gentleman away from the stage. On his way out of the park, he spied the junction box and pulled the plug on us.

Critics!

[SK]

About the weirdest ones that happened to me were in Baltimore:

 

I was on a jazz gig where the trio was set up close to the door. I was in the middle of a solo, eye's closed for the moment. When I opened them, I see a pair of really odd looking green shoes, like nothing I'd ever seen before, at EYE level... blocking my view of my hands and keyboard.

 

I look up and there's some guy holding them out across the keyboard, asking me if I want to buy them - in the middle of my solo. I muttered, "uh, not my size" and kept playing in disbelief.

 

Turned out to be a panhandler who just wandered in, and he was quickly shown the door.

 

Same place, a few months later: we're playing on the stage and the upright player (with a $45,000 Italian bass) hears a knocking sound while we're playing. He looks down... it's the same guy standing offstage knocking on his bass like it's a door, and asks the bass player if he wants to buy a lottery ticket.

 

 

[SilverDragonSoun]

What a Maroon.

 

Love the topic and your story. I haven't heard the quote above since last week when I watched Bugs Bunny. I love it!

[Mr. Nightime]

What a Maroon.

 

Love the topic and your story. I haven't heard the quote above since last week when I watched Bugs Bunny. I love it!

 

Bugs was a genius.

[eric]

We had a real winner in the audience last night. Playing a corporate holiday party that was really nice with a lot of pretty hip people in a great venue. Standard fare for our band in December. Anyways, this girl approaches our male singer near the end of the night to ask if her boyfriend can sit in on drums for a song. We are always a bit careful about such things, but this was the customer and they had several people rooting for this guy Charles to play drums. From what they said, he was a great drummer, so our drummer was like "Sure, come on up." We showed him some songs on our list and he chose Mustang Sally.

 

Before sitting down behind the kit, this guy grabbed our drummer's sticks and stood center stage for a moment holding them high in the air in kind of a spread-eagle stance, pumping his arms and banging his head, so the crowd was getting excited. I guess he was a pretty popular guy at this firm or whatever.

 

Then he goes behind the kit and kind of randomly beats across the toms and cymbals, very non-rhythmic before sitting down. My instincts immediately went "Uh Oh, this could be bad" but decided to see what happened when he started to play. Guitar player starts the song and it becomes apparent in 5 seconds that this guy CANNOT KEEP A BEAT TO SAVE HIS LIFE. It was horrendus. I don't know if he had ever played before. Finally, he settled into a 16-beat on the high hat, just barely able to keep the kick going and smacking the snare out of time.

 

This was not him joking around from what we could tell. He simply could not play. Our drummer had to jump up to the aux percussion and keep time on the cowbell. Wow, what a train wreck. But the crowd loved it for some reason.

[kanker.]

We showed him some songs on our list and he chose Mustang Sally.

Of course he did Eric, of course he did...

[NoahZark]

This was not him joking around from what we could tell. He simply could not play.

 

Yep. And all those clowns on the American Idol auditions actually think they can sing. Some people are simply delusional.

 

Noah

[stepay]

Well, Kanker beat me to the comment I was going to make about the dude choosing Mustang Sally. I think every band plays that song. I was always wanting my band to quit playing that song, but the audience always seemed to like it, so I couldn't convince the guys (or myself) to drop it. I made it fun by playing different stuff each time.

 

Oh well, on to my story...

 

We were doing our best paid corporate gig ever. The type with us on the stage, a dance floor immediately in front of the stage, and then tables beyond that with centerpieces, tablecloths, waiters, people dressed nicely, the whole bit. Lots of people were up and dancing from the initial song, and most seemed to dig the music. At one point close to the end of the first set, a woman comes running up to the stage making a slashing across her throat motion. We thought something was wrong, so we quit playing mid-song. She yells, "NO MORE BLUES!". First of all, we weren't JUST playing blues, but secondly we were mostly a blues band, and we were hired (not by her) to play blues. Our drummer says, "That's what we were hired to play ma'am". The funny thing to me was that our drummer is a courteous sort and often calls people "ma'am" or "sir", but this 20-something woman was PISSED at being called "ma'am". I had fits of laughter at times the rest of the night. Oh, and by the third set she was out on the dance floor a daning fool. Some people have a lot of nerve.

[mate stubb]

I have lots of stupid customer stories:

 

- Lou Ferrigno (the Incredible Hulk) hitting on my wife

- asking for Whitney Houston songs with no chick singer in sight

- asking for "Rocky Top" (as if!)

 

but the most vivid one I remember from my years on the road was a stupid soundman story.

 

We played the Toy Tiger in Louisville fairly regularly, and our soundman thought it would be dramatic if he set off some smoke to go with our pyro flashpots. So he grabbed a fire extinguisher, and let it blast.

 

Unfortunately for everyone involved, it was not a CO2 but a chemical extinguisher. We were immediately enveloped in choking thick yellow fog, and had to stop playing. They emptied the bar for a few minutes to air it out, and had to throw away all their cut fruit garnishes. I had a nasty layer of residue over all my equipment.

 

I can't believe they didn't fire us, and I can't believe that we didn't fire the soundman. Talk about a maroon.

[Jode]

What an ignoramorus.

[Mr. Nightime]

I was playing a club called Popeye's Pub in Rochester Minnesota. The place was packed, with people standing 3-4 deep at the bar, and the dance floor was packed.

 

There was this one guy that kept buggiong the bass player. After a while the bass player finally got pissed, and when the guy reached up to grab the mike stand, he stopped the song right away. We were playing "Old Time R-N-R", so needless to say the dance floor was nuts.

 

Wray (the bass player) announced on the mike that this jerk was the reason the song stopped, and the entire crowd turned on the guy. The bouncers had to remove him for his own safety.

 

 

[MikeT156]

Eric:

 

I have one rule. NEVER let anyone sit in, for any reason, for NO amount of money offered. (Can you say bribe boys and girls?) You have nothing to gain...if the guy is bad, and everything to lose....if the guy is good, or worse, BETTER than you. So why do it?

 

The answer is DON'T.

 

One of my worst situations was a VERY DRUNK female that decided to stand right in front of my piano (on a stage about 3 feet higher than the audience) and continue to TRY to talk to me. I said "Excuse me" and started to play a song. She stayed there, continued to blab while I played and sang. She was blocking my view of the crowd and would not go away. Finally, I told her to PLEASE get off the stage. She wouldn't listen....she was dead drunk. What's more, she didn't even offer me sex later, so she had to go. Some friends of mine that were sitting at the bar had the good sense to remove the woman from the stage and call her a cab.

 

Mike T.

[area51recording]

A couple of years ago one of the bands I play with was doing an Xmas party for a medical group. On the first break one of the Doctors asked one of the other guys in the band if he could sit in on piano, telling him that he plays just like Jerry Lee, etc. Turns out this guy is Rickie Skaggs' uncle or some such thing. Well, they introduce him to me and say he'd like to play. Now, I have a strict personal policy that nobody plays my gear, except people I know very well. I politely as possible explained to this guy that I was not going to let him play and hoped he would understand. He leaned in and said "I think you're full of sh*t!" I was taken aback but once again reiterated my stance politely and said I was sorry he felt that way. This guy starts to berate me, and I decided that no matter what I was going to be as polite and courteous as I could. This seemed to enrage him all the more, he was shouting at me and every time he let loose with a loud "F*ck you!" I replied with "Merry Christmas". The last thing he said to me was "This is MY moment!" to which I replied "And you're not spending it very wisely" The whole time this is going on his wife is standing there with a look on her face that told me she's been invited to this kind of party before. I REALLY felt sorry for her, as I think this kind of thing has probably happened before and you could tell she was mortified. We went back to play and while we were starting our second set I could see him with their coats hustling his wife out the door, flipping me the bird the whole time. I just smiled and waved. What an ass...

[ITGITC]

What's more, she didn't even offer me sex later, so she had to go.

 

Uh-Huh...

 

I wanna here HER side of the story.

 

It sounds to me like you were just too busy to be bothered.

 

And she was a PAYING customer.

 

You say that the stage was about 3 feet higher than the audience, right?

 

You demanded that she PLEASE get off the stage... but did you offer to HELP the lady?

 

Poor, poor woman... and vulnerable at that.

 

And by your own admission, she wasn't in the frame of mind to take care of herself?

 

Oh, the shame of it all.

 

Where were your manners, MT?

 

And on top of doing nothing to help her, you wanted SEX?

 

 

(P.S. Can ya tell that I used to work in the Human Resources Department?)

 

 

 

[Blue JC]

What a Bad Santa you are Tom! First, you made Stepay cry and now you're pickin' on Mike T.

[MikeT156]

Well Tom, I left a few details out. She had been at a wedding all day and wandered into the place I was playing. AFAIK, she didn't even buy a drink there. I'm sure they wouldn't have served her, she could hardly talk, much less order a drink.

 

And NO, I didn't offer to help the woman off the stage, I was KINDA busy. You know, in the middle of a set with about 150 people in the place. Anyway, she was able to get up ON the stage, so she should have been able to get OFF the stage.

 

Sex, well, that's another issue.

 

Later buddy,

 

Mike T.

[ITGITC]

What a Bad Santa you are Tom! First, you made Stepay cry and now you're pickin' on Mike T.

 

And YOU, sir, are taking notes.

 

I told Mr. Stepay that I was only keeeeeeeeding.

 

And as far as MT is concerned, he knows I'm on his side. I was just trying to get him to spill the beans and tell us the details about this beautiful and willing woman who refused to give him sex.

 

Frankly, I think most of the guys here are keeping the good stuff to themselves. As a reporter on my student newspaper in High School, I still try to make it a point to get down to what is real.

 

And always remember - as in MT's case - there are TWO sides to every story.

 

Poor lady.

 

Yeah.

 

 

 

[marino]

At one point close to the end of the first set, a woman comes running up to the stage making a slashing across her throat motion. We thought something was wrong, so we quit playing mid-song. She yells, "NO MORE BLUES!". First of all, we weren't JUST playing blues, but secondly we were mostly a blues band, and we were hired (not by her) to play blues.

 

Come on... she was just requesting "No More Blues" - the song.

[stepay]

At one point close to the end of the first set, a woman comes running up to the stage making a slashing across her throat motion. We thought something was wrong, so we quit playing mid-song. She yells, "NO MORE BLUES!". First of all, we weren't JUST playing blues, but secondly we were mostly a blues band, and we were hired (not by her) to play blues.

 

Come on... she was just requesting "No More Blues" - the song.

 

If only that were true.

[kanker.]

At one point close to the end of the first set, a woman comes running up to the stage making a slashing across her throat motion. We thought something was wrong, so we quit playing mid-song. She yells, "NO MORE BLUES!". First of all, we weren't JUST playing blues, but secondly we were mostly a blues band, and we were hired (not by her) to play blues.

 

Come on... she was just requesting "No More Blues" - the song.

 

If only that were true.

Yeah, sounds like she was more acquainted with Jim Beam than Jobim.

[Mr. Nightime]

My band is primarily Classic Rock, with a bit of Blues.

 

We were hire it the local AFB NCO/Officer's club in an attempt to bring in some of the younger clientele. The night we played was the night traditionally populated by the over 75 crowd. Unfortunately, the manager forgot to tell anybody of the change in music, So here we were, playing to the blue hairs.

 

Right off the bat we had some little old lady come up and complain about what we were playing. She didn't like the fact that we didn't know any of the songs from her youth. She told us that her son was a music major, and he knew all of these songs.

 

She then proceeded to go to every table and berate us. We were so happy when the old battle-ax left.

 

[Dave Ferris]

Yeah, sounds like she was more acquainted with Jim Beam than Jobim.

 

Aw ....that was my line, Kevin beat me to it.

[Botch]

We were playing a country bar just south of Albuquerque many years ago, and a whole bunch of Hispanic folks came in after a wedding, including the full wedding party. They started requesting some songs for the bride & groom, which was ok until they started requesting some Spanish tunes that none of us even recognized, much less knew how to play.

Well, the songs were very easy; the bride's mother told us so! She jumped on stage and started singing one, and kept waving at us to follow along. Egads.

I am really uneasy around bride's mothers; they are so often possessed!

[ITGITC]

Egads. I am really uneasy around bride's mothers; they are so often possessed!

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

 

 

[Byrdman]

Well, the songs were very easy; the bride's mother told us so! She jumped on stage and started singing one, and kept waving at us to follow along. Egads.

 

Hey - its reharm time!

[kanker.]

Yeah, sounds like she was more acquainted with Jim Beam than Jobim.

 

Aw ....that was my line, Kevin beat me to it.

Yeah, I've been known to talk about Jobim and his brother Jim often.

[Dave Pierce]

I've told this one here before, but I like it enough to tell it again...

 

I was playing at a bar called Murphy's Law in Sunnyvale. It's on a gentrified pseudo-downtown strip -- you know the type, one block long with about eight bars. Murphy's Law isn't the best bar on the block, and it isn't the worst.

 

I was playing there with That Seventies Band, and we were wearing full-on retro disco regalia. This guy walks up to me, drunk as a skunk, and asks: "Do you guys play disco?" I say yes (duh). He shouts, "well, disco SUCKS!"

 

I stay polite and friendly, and tell the guy that a good friend of mine is playing in the band at the bar right across the street, and they play pretty good classic rock. He looks out the front door at the bar across the street, and says, "No way, man, I ain't walking that far." (It's like 20 feet away). Then, he literally stumbles out the door, climbs into the driver's door of a car parked right in front of the club, fires up the engine, and drives away.

 

It was so surreal that I wanted to bust up laughing. But it was also really scary -- this super drunk guy was now driving around the metro area where most of my friends live.

 

Sigh.

 

--Dave