Worst Song Ever

[Garrafon]

Another recent thread devolved into the topic of the worst song ever. Then, coincidentally, I spooted this article today on CNN.COM enteitled "The Worst Song of All Time."

 

Before letting you read the article, I just pause to wonder how it is that "the worst song ever" can make the pop charts? Must not there have been an even worse song that was so bad it didn't make it that far? How bad can a song be if it's making someone a lot of money? What makes a song bad?

 

The worst song of all time

'See the tree, how big it's' -- groan

By Todd Leopold

CNN

 

Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey" was one of the biggest hits of 1968.

I knew it was coming.

 

Every day, at the end of almost every hour, XM's '60s channel plays the top six hits of a corresponding week from that decade. As an aficionado of the Billboard charts -- I've got a bunch of the Billboard Top 40 and No. 1 books at home -- I knew what was going to be No. 1 when the countdown got to mid-April 1968: "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro.

 

The Worst Song of All Time.

 

I sat transfixed in my car as it played, as if I were in the midst of an accident. The simpering melody, the tearjerking lyrics: God, how I hated it. And yet I couldn't change the station.

 

"See the tree, how big it's grown / But friend, it hasn't been too long, it wasn't big ..."

 

"Honey" wasn't just a hit -- it was No. 1 for five weeks in April-May 1968, one of the biggest songs of the year. According to a Bobby Goldsboro tribute site, songwriter Bobby Russell initially gave the song to Kingston Trio member Bob Shane; when Shane's version got off to a slow start, Russell (who also wrote "Little Green Apples" and "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia") allowed Goldsboro to release it, and the recording took off immediately.

 

(The Kingston Trio also did an early version of "Seasons in the Sun." Coincidence? I think not.)

 

I've always been at a loss to its success. Sure, it's about a "Love Story"-type romance, and those sorts of tearjerkers sell. But the narrator of "Honey" isn't even kind to his wife: He laughs when she slips, describes her as "kinda dumb and kinda smart" and mocks her for crying at the late show.

 

"One day while I was not at home / While she was there and all alone / The angels came ..."

 

And then there's her death. Even in 1968, what kind of jerk wouldn't be at his wife's bedside as she died? No doubt, the "Honey" narrator grew up to become the narrator of Harry Chapin's far superior "Cats in the Cradle," ignoring his son as he once ignored his wife.

 

But one man's offal is another man's meat, and "Honey" has its defenders.

 

"I cried when I first heard it as a child, and still cry as an adult. So what if it's sappy," wrote Fiona on Songfacts.com. "This song is [one of] the most touching and heartwarming songs I have ever heard, second being 'Iris,' by the Goo Goo Dolls," added Dawson.

 

Besides, it's foolish to single "Honey" out when there are so many other awful songs. I asked CNN.com staffers what they thought the worst song of all time is -- and you'll get your chance as well.

 

Eye on Entertainment can't get them out of his head.

 

Eye-opener

I only had two rules: the song had to have been a hit -- preferably the kind you hear on the radio so often you can't change the station fast enough -- and it can't have been a song that wore out its welcome through repetition. A really bad song is one you hate from the word "go."

 

Several people nominated Starship's "We Built This City," a No. 1 hit from 1985 that was also named Blender magazine's worst song ever. CNN Pipeline copy editor James Dinan put it best: "I got a laugh when I read that the original intent of this song was to be a statement against cracking down on artistic freedom. I'd support such a crackdown if it means this song will never be played again."

 

The Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" got a few votes, as did Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart," Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings" and Don Johnson's "Heartbeat." ("Broken Wings" succeeded "We Built This City" as No. 1 by a few weeks; obviously, late 1985 was a golden age for bad songs.)

 

A couple folks named "MacArthur Park," which also won a Dave Barry worst song contest several years ago. Barry himself can't stand "In the Year 2525," which he called "relentlessly ugly" in his book "Tricky Business."

 

Then there were the generalists, who nominated such things as "anything ever recorded by Celine Dion" and "the REO Speedwagon catalog."

 

Of course, there were the novelty songs -- C.W. McCall's "Convoy," Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy," Rick Dees' "Disco Duck" and the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" ("so bad as to veer toward evil," wrote a Slate.com reviewer in apparent agreement). But it seems unfair to lump novelty songs in with works that insist on quality and earnestness. (However, it also may be unfair to assume the "quality" and "earnestness" of "Achy Breaky Heart.")

 

The submissions spawned their share of quarrels. One person intensely disliked Biz Markie's "Just a Friend," but despite its amateurish rap and clunky background, I find the song perversely charming. And as many people love Toni Basil's "Mickey" as can't stand it. (Rhino Records, never one to miss a trick, has a whole album of bad hit songs: "'70s Party Killer Classics" -- not to mention the classic "Golden Throats" collections.)

 

What do you say, dear reader? What do you think is the worst song of all time? Send your responses (and reasons, if you have them) to worstsong@cnn.com. I'll compile them in a future column.

 

In the meantime, I'll stick with "Honey." Or, at least, it'll stick with me ... like decomposing, stepped-in garbage on a hot day.

 

On screen

 

What do we care about more -- electing presidents or electing pop stars? "American Dreamz" combines the two, making a Bush-like president a judge on an "American Idol"-like talent show. Dennis Quaid plays the president, Mandy Moore is a singing hopeful and an almost unrecognizable Willem Dafoe is the president's right-hand man. Opens Friday.

 

 

In "The Sentinel," Michael Douglas plays a Secret Service agent accused of being a traitor. The film also stars Kiefer Sutherland and Eva Longoria. Opens Friday.

 

 

"Silent Hill," written by "Pulp Fiction" co-writer Roger Avary, features a woman looking for her daughter in another dimension. With Radha Mitchell and Sean Bean. Opens Friday.

 

On the tube

 

Helen Mirren stars as "Elizabeth I," 8 p.m. Saturday on HBO.

 

 

Now that Vito has been yanked out of the closet and into New Hampshire on "The Sopranos," the gang turns to something closer to home -- Artie's restaurant, which is threatened by a competitor. 9 p.m. Sunday on HBO.

 

Sound waves

 

Bruce Springsteen takes another interesting career turn with "We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions" (Columbia), a new album in which he covers a number of songs made famous by Pete Seeger and other folksingers. (I love the album cover; it's reminiscent of Bob Dylan and the Band's "Basement Tapes.") The CD comes out Tuesday.

 

 

"That's Entertainment" (Rhino), a box set collection of the best Hollywood show tunes -- drawn from "That's Entertainment" I, II and III -- comes out on Tuesday.

 

 

"The Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living" (Vice), the new CD by the man who calls himself The Streets, comes out Tuesday.

 

 

"Reintarnation" (Rhino), a compilation of k.d. lang's pre-"Ingenue" country material (including the wonderful "Trail of Broken Hearts"), comes out Tuesday.

 

 

"Let Love In" (Warner Bros.), the latest by the Goo Goo Dolls, comes out Tuesday.

 

Paging readers

 

Harlan Coben's new novel, "Promise Me" (Dutton), comes out Tuesday.

 

 

You can't beat the title "Riding Dirty on I-95" (One World/Ballantine), no matter what it's about. It happens to be a novel about a girl who becomes a drug dealer, and then a screenwriter. The author is Nikki Turner. The work comes out Tuesday.

 

Video center

 

"Match Point," Woody Allen's Hitchcockian return to form, comes out on DVD Tuesday.

[Garrafon]

Personally, one of the songs that has always irritated the living b'jeebers out of me is "Turn Around" or is it "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. ACK!!!!!!

[soundscape]

Can a song that _irritates_ you qualify as the "worst song ever"? (Or have I missed the point of these lists?)

[Blue JC]

I used to think that "Feelings" was the worst song imaginable until I had to play "You Light Up My Life" for two weeks straight on a sub gig. >shudder

[Bobsk8]

I liked Whitney Houston until she came out with that movie theme " I will always love". For some reason I hated that song and it seemed like they played it every 20 minutes, for months,on the radio. The ending lyrics were.

 

"And I will always love you

I will always love you

And I will always love you

I will always love you

And I will always love you

I will always love you

And I will always love you

I will always love you

I, I will always love you

You, darling I love you

I'll always, I'll always love you "

 

Gag me with a spoon........;

[RABid]

Originally posted by soundscape:

Can a song that _irritates_ you qualify as the "worst song ever"? (Or have I missed the point of these lists?)

That is what I was wondering. Does "most irritating" equate to "worst"? Musically many of these songs are more complex than anything done be Chuck Berry or BTO.

 

Trying to chose the worst is like trying to choose the best. There is too much music out there and everyone has a different opinion.

 

Robert

[Chaso DeChaso]

For worst song ever it would be hard for me to choose from among Supertramp's entire oeuvre.

[Eric Iverson]

I still think "Feelings" is a top contender. A friend of mind calls it "fillings"....

 

Other than that, there aren't too many songs that I out and out hate, that I can remember. And I don't go out of my way to hear music I don't like... in bands you might have to play one once in a while!

[Mr. Nightime]

Being a big fan of Warner Brothers cartoons, I am reminded of an episode of Pinky and the Brain, where Brain's plan to take over the world was to become a country star, "Bubba Bo Bob Brain". He was on a "Nashville Now" type of program when a Billy Ray Cyrus parody started singing...

 

"Well don't tell my head

My empty hollow head..."

[Finale]

You're all wrong.

 

The worse song ever and that will remain so for the next 300 centuries is :

 

La Laaaaaaaa Laaa La Laaaaaaaaaa

Life is Life

Na Naaaaaaaa Naaa Na Naaaaaaaaaa

Life is Life

Bla Blaaaaa Blaa Bla Blaaaaaaaaa

Life is Life

Ta Taaaaaaaa Taaa Ta Taaaaaaaaaa

Life is Life

Ga Gaaaaaaaa Gaaa Ga Gaaaaaaaaaa

Life is Life

 

Repeat ad nauseam.

[kad]

I could name any number of songs that qualify as "beloved classics" that make me want to turn my radio off using a sledge hammer. "Stand By Me" comes to mind...

[Dave Horne]

Another vote for Feelings.

 

My Way, Having My Baby ...

 

The Theme from Dr. Zhivago might be right up there with Feelings.

[soundscape]

Ahem. Consider that this is today's #2 iTunes Music Store (US) best-seller:

 

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=137004359&i=137004388

[burningbusch]

Originally posted by Blue JC:

I used to think that "Feelings" was the worst song imaginable until I had to play "You Light Up My Life" for two weeks straight on a sub gig. >shudder<

Agreed. The quarter note melody in 3/4 drives me nuts (3 quarters, dotted half, three quarters, dotted half...)

 

A vote for "Horse with no name??" America?? Melodies that simply follow the harmony--please stop.

 

There was a pop song in the laet 70s early 80s. Something like "You took my breath away..." I think I counted 28 times he repeats that phrase.

 

Busch.

[DafDuc]

Dave Barry's "Book of Bad Songs" revealed that his readers voted for "MacArthur Park" as the worst. Lots of votes for "Honey" as well, and for "Timothy", and "Horse with No Name". He prohibited voting for country songs, otherwise some numbers might have fallen differently.

 

I kinda like MacArthur Park, at least the Richard Harris version, and I also have trouble coming up with a single most loathsome tune, though it's hard to imagine anything more putrid than "Timothy", a pop ode to cannibalism. "I've Never Been to Me" comes close, though, and so does "Sometimes When We Touch" and the Pina Colada song, which actually has some other title. "Escape", maybe?

 

I need to listen again to be sure, but I think my vote would have to be for Leapy Lee's "Little Arrows", which, even though I haven't heard it for 35 years, repeatedly makes its appearance with the other earworms in my head. In fact, there it goes again...

 

Daf (Make it stop! Make it stop!)

[Buddy1065]

There was a song in the 60's "Please Mr. Custer, I don't wanna go"

Anybody remember that one?

 

"Please Mr. Custer, I don't wanna go

Hey, Mr. Custer, please don't make me go

I had a dream last night about the comin' fight

Somebody yelled "attack!"

And there I stood with a arrow in my back.

 

Please Mr. Custer, I don't wanna go (forward Ho!!)--aaww"

 

Actually as a kid I loved it...

[David Loving]

There are so many. "We Built This City"; "Feelings"; any, I say Any, son, song by 'the guess who'; almost anything by Neil Young, especially "Southern Man."

Tuesday night gig - on a break, somebody played 3 guess who songs in a row. I'd give up 5 years off the end of my life if I never had to listen to them again.

[NoahZark]

IMHO, hands down, the worst pop song of all time is "Method of Love" by Hall & Oates.

 

"M-E-T-H-O-D-O-F-L-O-V-E . . . it's a method of modern love."

 

Makes me nauseous every time I hear it (or even THINK about it).

 

Noah

[Bobsk8]

I suppose at one time or another we have all accompanied a signer on "Feelings", that had no clue as to how to end the song, and it would go on like perpetual motion, until I would finally just decide to play an ending " real loud" so she could hear it!!!.

[Steve Nathan]

What....no votes for...

 

Color My World

 

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

Total Eclipse of the Heart rules, c'mon!

 

Worst song ever, eh? I'll give a short list of runners up too, this is always fun.

 

Tha Winna and Still Champeen!

 

Pantera: Walk - This was the song that inspired the dribble that every local 'metal' band plays, and every hard rock radio station takes time to air. Using the 0-1 approach, the song rests almost soley on the E and E# (and possibly F if I'm not mistaken). It just chugs along with no attempt at melody. I can't hear it without thinking about a buncha kids stomping around in a circle. It's mindless, it's slow, and while the Sex Pistols taught people how to play guitar only knowing 3 chords, Pantera spawned a whole generation of kids that play guitar using only 2 frets on the low string and ALWAYS playing in drop d tuning.. It's just plain bad.

 

Runners Up:

 

Drowning Pool: Let the Bodies Hit The Floor - Awful Awful song. And guess what, I hear it way way way too often. Not enough can be said about how terrible this song is musically and lyrically.

 

Lincoln Park: In The End - I don't know how people that I once respected fell for this band. Mix a boy band with a rap group and add a 'keyboardist' and voila! Kinda makes me cry.

 

Pink Floyd: Another Brick in the Wall pt. 2 - This almost made it to the top, it's bad and it's played way too often. It also just makes me depressed that I'm not hearing pt. 3 which I actually quite like! And hey, no meat/pudding jokes.

 

As a final runner up, every song recorded by Slipknot, Def Leppard, Hatebreed, and Van Halen.

[Bridog6996]

I hate that "Werewolves of London" song, but oddly enough, I could recite you the lyrics off the top of my head. Why is it that the songs we hate get implanted in our brains?

 

As much as I hate "Werewolves of London," I don't neccessarily feel it's the worst song ever. For me, that honor is shared by two mystifyingly bad songs.

 

The first is "Kokomo" by the "Beach Boys." Notice that I put "Beach Boys" in parentheses as well. Brian Wilson was NOT involved in this project, and without Wilson, the Beach Boys obviously have nothing going for them (as evidenced by this frightening song). Still, though, even more shocking is that this was a huge hit. I attribute this solely to the Beach Boys name. If some unknown artist had come out with this song, he'd still be flippin' burgers at Mickey D's right now.

 

The other is "Whatsupwitu" by Eddie Murphy (yes, that's Eddie Murphy the comedian). I'm a big fan of Eddie Murphy, with the exception of his recent family-style comedic efforts. And granted, Murphy has a pretty good voice. And also, his hit with Rick James "Party All The Time" had some cheesy charm to it. But if Charlie Murphy was a good brother, he should have said "Eddie, bro, I love you, but if I ever see you with a microphone in your hand, you'd better be telling jokes."

[burningbusch]

Originally posted by Steve Nathan:

What....no votes for...

 

Color My World

 

You could talk me into that one.

 

Busch.

[wd8dky]

Barely Man-enough's "Copacabana"

 

The song by Neil Diamond where he sings, "song she brang to me..."

 

Dontcha - Pussycat Dolls

[Finale]

Originally posted by Steve Nathan:

Color My World

 

The worse with this one is when someone tells you you're a great pianist because you played it.

[Blue JC]

Originally posted by Steve Nathan:

What....no votes for...

 

Color My World

 

Thanks Steve. I HAD successfully removed that song from my memory banks until you brought it up again.

[Eric Iverson]

"Color My World" a bad song?

 

You mean you guys don't LIKE flute parts that are flat and endless major 7th chords?

 

Real men don't ate quiche, or play major 7th chords.. at least 15 of them in a row (slight exaggeration)...

[Ricochet]

Yeah, I'll go along with just about anything by Neil Young being a candidate for "Worst Ever."

 

I'd blissfully forgotten about "McArthur's Park." That's a top contender, for sure!

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

Originally posted by Bridog6996:

I hate that "Werewolves of London" song

Know what the killer is? Warren Zevon is actually really good! Pick up "Life'll Kill Ya", it's an awesome CD. Werewolves of London, his worst song, is the one he's most known for. It's a crime!

[Mark Zeger]

Originally posted by Steve Nathan:

What....no votes for...

 

Color My World

 

I can let Chicago have a "free pass" on that one. Terry Kath kicked much ass elsewhere in his career, as did the rest of band circa 1969-75.

 

Bobby Goldsboro? Morris Albert? Debbie Boone? Not so much.

 

My pick? Terry Jacks' "Seasons In The Sun".

 

Running close behind:

Paul Anka "Having My Baby"

Bobby Vinton "My Melody of Love"

 

Yeah, the '70s. Good times.