Have any R.Dangerfield one liners ?

[tarkus]

"Ha - the guy called me a baboon.. he thinks I'm his wife!" (Caddyshack)

 

Easy Money w/ Joe Pesci was my favorite.

[Stephen Fortner]

I tell ya, I get no respect. I once went to a NAMM show with my resume, and left without a single job offer... but Gibson said they'd buy me outright.

 

Ok, so I made that up.

[ABECK]

"My mother in-law, for years I wouldn't kiss her face. I ended up kissing her ASS!"

-Easy Money

 

RIP rodney. You will be missed.

[hammondhack]

Yeah, I come from a rough neighborhood, I mean ROUGH! The cop cars have signs on 'em:" Driver carrys no cash!"

 

My wife is so fat:

1. "when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house!"

 

2. "the bathtub has stretch marks!"

 

3. "the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!"

 

There are millions more.......

[guestuserguestuser.com]

Here's a few I just received from a friend:

 

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

 

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

 

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

 

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

 

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

 

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

 

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

 

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

 

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

 

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

[DafDuc]

Even my kid gives me no respect. I tell him, "Someday you'll have kids of your own", and he says, "yeah, someday you might, too."

 

RIP, Rodney. Now who's gonna pay for my lessons?

[David Loving]

I don't get no respect at all...I asked my wife if she wanted me there for the birth of our kid, she says 'what for? You weren't there at the conception!'

 

and from Caddyshack, dancing with a country club matron "Hey baby, how'd you like to make $10 bucks the hard way?"

 

RIP Rodney

[joegerardi]

"I tell ya, we were poor growing up. If I weren't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with..."

 

R.I.P. Rodney. You will be missed.

 

..Joe

[Dan O]

Bump from the past ...

 

I was in Busch Gardens in Tampa and watching a 4-D Pirates movie..

Rodney was in the last scene.... I gotta tell ya...

[Dan O]

"I gotta tell ya, my wife, my wife gives me great head ache ?

[Moon Zero Two]

I said to my tailor "Show me something cheap". He said "Look in the mirror."

 

 

[Joe P]

Thanks for bump DanO, good stuff.

Regards,

Joe

[ProfD]

"No, not a chance. The shape I'm in, you can donate my body to science fiction"--Back To School.

[B3bluesman59]

And I'm tellin' ya, my kids, no respect there either. My daughter was voted by her class as the girl most likely to conceive. I tried to teach her to drive...couldn't get her out of the back seat. We took her to the Doc for her first female exam and a class ring fell out. No respect, nothin' from my kids.

And my wife...she was the worst cook in the world. Why the flies in the kitchen all chipped in to fix the hole in the kitchen screen door. But for me food has replaced sex. I sat down to the table the other night, the kids walked in, I covered my main dish with my napkin. And I never had it easy when I was young...grew up in a really tough neighborhood. We only had one restaurant in my block...their special was broken leg of lamb. I ate there on night....the waiter gave me the bill from a guy three tables down....I said Hey Buddy, I got your bill. He said Thanks. No respect, never.

[NoLights]

My kid is so ugly. When he was born, my doctor turned around and slapped me.

[lerber3]

From "Back to School"...

 

Bring us a pitcher of beer every 8 minutes until someone passes out... then every 10 minutes.

[linwood]

A RD tidbit....I use to go see Rodney all the time. When I had my gig at Caesars, I could go back in the showroom and watch the headliners from backstage, on the side of the curtain. When Rodney would work that room, he had a jazz trio play him on and off. These guys worked at the hotel, as well. Anyway the piano player is a really good friend of mine and a great player/producer. He and Rodney were good friends and a year or two before Rodney passed, my friend and he were working on a spiritual cd. Rodney was singing legit hymns. No comedy.

[musicbysterling]

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair...