What's next? Could use some support.

[SamuelBLupowitz]

Been going through some life challenges, in part related to my musical goals, and I thought this group might have some good feedback, even if ultimately I'm the only one who can come up with the answers. This is a long post, though, so bear with me.

 

Like many of us, the last few years have really forced a change in perspective for me. A lot of my routines, musical and otherwise, were upended. I found some new outlets during the pandemic, and now that things have been leveling off, some old projects are trying to return to the fold. I have a lot of very cool opportunities to play fun music with interesting people, and plenty of things with at least a decent balance of the gigging musician's holy trinity (the gig, the hang, the paycheck). Consequently, I'm being pulled in a lot of different directions. And overall, I'm exhausted, and feeling... directionless.

 

I've always done a lot of things. I write music and lyrics, I sing, I play keys, I play bass, I record/mix/produce (a little), I do booking (begrudgingly) and promo (verbosely). I think I'm pretty good at most of it. And I like having a lot of diverse projects and outlets to express those skills. But my time and, increasingly, my energy are limited.

 

I've got recording projects that were left unfinished through the pandemic sitting, waiting to be wrapped up. That feels like a huge hurdle, especially for the ones where I was playing, recording, mixing, and handling all the logistics for. I've got some other gigs where I can sit back and be the supporting player and coast a little more, but now that the pandemic limitations are lifting, some of them are asking for demands on my time that just aren't going to be reasonable if I want to keep my house. Of course, those tend to be the projects with the best gigs, both experientially and financially.

 

And when I find myself back in more of a leadership position, it just feels like too much. I've done the self-sacrificing, pushing-the-boulder-up-the-hill on behalf of musical projects for so many years, and right now being that guy just feels like more than I have bandwidth for.

 

Six years ago, when I got my university tech support gig that gave me access to a recording studio and microphones and nice computers and audio equipment and health insurance, I shifted my longtime goal of playing music full time to being a dude with a solid day job who focused on playing the music that felt the most satisfying, not grubbing for whatever gigs could help make enough money to survive or get me to "the next level." This definitely felt like the thing that needed to happen when a lot of the people I played with regularly started having kids -- any thoughts of being more than a "local musician" kind of went on hold when my collaborators' priorities shifted to parenthood.

But I'm tired of playing the same half dozen local clubs/breweries/wineries for lackluster payoff, of being overbooked, of feeling like my music disappears into the ether no matter how hard I work on it. It's been a long couple of years. I try to choose my musical pursuits for the joy over anything else, but I still feel like I generally spend more money than I make (on gear, travel, what have you), and like everyone else, the last year or so has forced me to tighten my purse strings a little.

 

The band that regularly pays me the best (I'm a hired gun, I have no involvement in the business side, and that's by choice) is also the one that requires me to take an increasing amount of time away from work and other things. They signed with a booking agency earlier this year, which is great and exciting news, but now they're asking for all my availability for the rest of the year, and asking us to try to book our personal time around the availability of the other band members. I hate to feel ungrateful for the opportunity, but the alarm bells are going off. I know the idea is that it's an investment, but as nice as it is to gradually chip away at my credit card and bulk up my savings account by playing cool shows, even tripling the amount of shows we play won't pay my mortgage, and I only have so much PTO to burn for my day job.

 

I should mention that the interpersonal dynamics of that outfit can be challenging, as well. I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut and getting along, but the deeper in I get -- the more I become "their keyboard player" instead of "the guy who jumped in and bailed us out during Covid, we're so grateful to have you" -- the more concerned I am about being beholden to their whims (which are sometimes unrealistic bordering on delusional; the 40-year-old vocalist is having her first child in early July and has every intention of getting back onstage three weeks later). My wife is also involved in that group, and she's nearing the end of her rope with it. I get it, but I'm also reluctant to give up the band willing to move my gear around the northeast to play more, better shows at festivals and colleges. They've offered to find some subs so that they can continue to power forward without needing us to be there at every single gig, which is a great deal, but I don't know how long I can realistically cherry-pick only the gigs I like before *I* become the sub (or get the axe). Now, I've got other more professionally-oriented projects (i.e., more than just Weekend Warrior, beer money gigs) in my orbit where I have an open invitation to be a part of it as much as I can, but the demands of travel are so much and the money is still scant.

It's the first time in my life I haven't had certainty about what creative project was next, or what I was trying to accomplish artistically (at the very least in the short term). It feels like a minor crisis, even if I'm trying to frame it as an opportunity. My wife and I don't have children, and we're not sure whether or not we'll go that route, but while we have a number of musical friends/colleagues with young kids, I know that would spell some huge changes for two married musicians. I don't want to waste the time we have to ourselves while we have more freedom.

 

So I don't know, my friends. There's a part of me still feeling the pull to get up there and play in front of an audience. It's all the other stuff around it that feels exhausting. I'm sure if I give myself a little more time to get my head on straight, I can jump back in when I'm ready, and feel a little more sure of myself. But the world keeps moving, and waits for no one. I'm afraid of being left behind, whatever that means.

Wondering if anyone else has gone through a period like this, or maybe is going through something like it right now. Either way, I appreciate you hearing all this. It's been weighing on me, and I appreciate having this community to share with.

[David R]

I went through something similar when I turned 30. I had spent my 20s leading bands, focusing on music that I loved but had very little audience here. I spent a lot of time, effort and money for very little reward, and when I turned 30 I burned out on it all. A wedding/function band gig fell into my lap, and I took it. I put my own projects on hold, and just did the sideman thing in this band and some other original music projects. That lasted for about four years; by that point I became disillusioned with the wedding band for various reasons, the other sideman work was picking up, and I missed composing & leading my own band despite all the other parts that I still hate about being bandleader.

 

My hand was forced, essentially: I was either going to miss half of summer festival touring with an artist I’ve invested a lot in, or miss half the wedding season. Which one was I going to choose? Which one was truly more important? I ultimately decided to quit the wedding band. I’m still on good terms with them - I sub back in from time to time and work with them for other events when my schedule allows.

 

Burnout is not a great feeling, and neither is “what if?” Good luck Sam. DM me if you want to chat more about this. 

[Bill H.]

First of all, hang onto that university job no matter what. Now that you're getting older, that's your first priority. But I think you know that. 

 

It sounds like what you're wrestling with the most is the sideman gig in a band that's now working more post pandemic. If you know a keyboard player who would be willing to share gigs, that would put you more in control. Then the two of you could sit down and figure out who does what. 

 

I went through this at 35... was gigging full time steadily in a band, but it was the same old gigs where I was often buried in the mix. I got a day job, gave up bands completely, and played piano bars - where the hours were earlier, the pay was much better, and it was all me  

 

Perhaps not your solution, but it worked for me at the time. 

 

 

[PianoMan51]

As I understand your situation, you are not counting on music for your livelihood. 
 

If that is true then accept music as something you do primarily for your spiritual sustenance. (This is certainly true for me.)

 

And if that is true, then…

 

Listen to your dreams. 

[ProfD]

@SamuelBLupowitz, you already know your skillset and what you bring to the table. 

 

In order to avoid burnout, be a mercenary musician on all fronts.  From projects to gigs, play on your own terms. 

 

Regardless of the situation, do not take on more than you're willing to eat.

 

The greatest amount of power and control is being able to say "no" to yourself and others.😎

[El Lobo]

1 hour ago, SamuelBLupowitz said:

Six years ago, when I got my university tech support gig that gave me access to a recording studio and microphones and nice computers and audio equipment and health insurance, I shifted my longtime goal of playing music full time to being a dude with a solid day job who focused on playing the music that felt the most satisfying, not grubbing for whatever gigs could help make enough money to survive or get me to "the next level."

Listen to yourself. Also: advice on the internet should be taken with a huge grain of salt. You've told a big story about your existential musical dilemma and it will resolve however it resolves. For me, I made a decision a long time ago to not be a Vegas lounge act or make my living playing music because the psychological costs were too great. Part of that decision was realizing that the stress of travel was too much. You have to make your own decision and I wish you the best, but I think you (and your wife) will come to accept whatever the way forward turns out to be, together.

[Nathanael_I]

One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves is permission to grow and not be defined by who we used to be or what that person used to prioritize.  All of us are more than the instrument we play, more than our skills, talents, and learned abilities.  We are all capable of being happy and fulfilled in a variety of situations, and indeed, have been over time.  Our futures mirror our past in this way.  We can be happy in a variety of ways, but not all in every way at once.  It sounds to me like you know that your life has changed already, but is it ok to redefine yourself yet again?  The answer is yes.  You can redefine yourself however you want, and you know this.  But it is deeply OK to grow and realize that as an artist you may need to continue to go into the unknown - and that may mean no to the travel gig, no to unfulfilling local gigs, and see where passion takes you.  The internet is a big place.  Your perfect collaborators may come to you through you posting clips of what your heart is most happy about.  The recording projects you were happy about may not hold the new "becoming" you.  And this too is OK.  Even if you don't know the "Yes" yet, it is likely wise to pay a lot of attention to the internal "No".

[stoken6]

First of all, thanks for a compelling and eloquent post.

 

Here are some thoughts:

1. As posted above, don't leave your university job, or jeopardise it

2. You said "even tripling the amount of shows we play won't pay my mortgage, and I only have so much PTO to burn for my day job". That tells me you need to dial back your involvement in the well-paying band.

3. If that means you become the sub, rather than the prime, would that be so bad? I'm a sub in all but one band (where I'm MD), and the relief of saying "sorry, can't do that date" (or "I can't be there before 7:30pm") without any guilt is priceless. 

4. You mention other opportunities "in my orbit where I have an open invitation to be a part of it as much as I can". Again, you can pick and choose. These kinds of opportunities are unpredictable - some will blossom, some will wither, and others will come along if you keep your eyes and ears open.

 

Good luck.

 

Cheers, Mike.

 

[MAJUSCULE]

Our situations are obviously not identical, but I've been through a lot of the same feelings over the last few years. Like David, I think my impending 30th birthday and everything that goes along with it (including friends and peers doing their own thing) played into it. Couple quick thoughts:

 

-Boundaries really are everything. Taking one thing off your plate, or being clear with your bandmates about what you can and can't do can make all the difference.

-FOMO is awful, try your best to shut it down. Gigs, like everything in life, come in cycles (including the energy to deal with the industry!). As a nice person who can both play and show up on time, there'll always be somebody ready to hire you to play. We're on the younger side of members here, imagine what some of our, ahem, more experienced members have been through. How many times have all of us felt like we found "the project"? Imagine how many times you'll have been excited or burnt out on a project by the time you're 70 or 80. Try to take it all in stride and enjoy the good moments and later, memories, with each band.

-Find beauty in the mundane. Slow down. Be patient with yourself and with your life.

-Therapy and such, though I think you're already into that.

 

P.S. Thanks for sharing, Sam.

[cphollis]

Every time I've gone through a musical existential crisis, it sort of forced me to reflect on what would be important going forward.  I've always been someone who prefers live performance vs studio work.  The last musical crisis was when I was close to full retirement, and decided I didn't want to play in sucky, drama-ridden bands any more.  I realized that the only way that was going to happen was if I built the band myself, choosing people who blended well and shared common goals.  

 

It was way more work than you probably want to undertake, but in the process I grew as an individual and as a musician.  I now have a blast at gigs and rehearsals because I am playing with sane, balanced people who want to be there but also have a full life outside of music.  And the band does not suck!  If you can find a gig that meets your parameters, great!  If not, there's much to be said in creating your own reality vs living in someone else's.

 

If it helps, I have a graveyard of half-finished recording projects.  Maybe I'll get back to them at some point, maybe not.

 

And, yes, don't quit the day job just yet ...

[SamuelBLupowitz]

I am so grateful to all of you for taking the time to read and respond. So much of this has already been so helpful to hear. Glad I took the time to post.

[Old No7]

Lots of supportive and good ideas above!  Seems like we're all saying...

   *  YOU are in control

   *  You should do what YOU need to do (hint: "university job" and paying the mortgage)

   *  But also do what's fun or exciting for YOU as a top priority

 

I'm way past 30 -- 2X+ past it -- but through it all, I can also share this.....

 

==>===> Since you don't yet know your "destination" -- Heck yeah, try to enjoy the "journey"!

 

Try a few things that are new to you, and maybe give up (or put aside for a bit) a few things that don't excite you anymore.

 

There likely won't be a quick resolution to this -- it's not a high speed train -- but get comfortable, find a good seat, do the things YOU like to do -- and who knows, maybe you'll arrive in a better/happier place that you can't see from where you are.

I will wish you well my friend.

 

Old No7

 

[MathOfInsects]

Much empathy, Sam.

 

I think of these moments as "membrane shifts," and I mean it figuratively, but I'm not convinced I don't really mean in literally. Those cast-out-at-sea periods are where I guess or imagine or hope that I'm shifting over to whatever new membrane I'm going to be in now. It takes a little bit to get used to the new body and path. But over time I've also come to find those periods of time weirdly exhilarating, too. Like, "OK, universe, let's see what you've got in store for me this time."

Partially, you have to navigate these the way you do songwriting: the fear of not being up to the task is sort of baked in, and the skill is surviving that unrewarding period in favor of the superhero feeling on the other end.

 

Also, partially you have to not be all "our parents" about it, and listen to the neon signs: if the money gig isn't (aren't) doing anything other than paying your bills, is it really "money"? We don't die with a note that explains that we would have been happier and more productive but you should see our credit score! Not that money doesn't matter, it very does. But so does purpose. It makes me crazy when people say, "Was that gig/concert/session fun?" I mean, yeah, it was, because I like every gig I get to do. But I don't ask you if your case or surgery or plumbing job was "fun," do I? It's our job, even if we like it. 

 

Much of what you're going through is the haunting of the "narrator" inside us, telling us that we should be liking a thing that they like, because it would be crazy not to do it. IMO it's crazy to waste a life on anything that doesn't leave value of one kind or another. "Value" is different to everyone, so the narrator can eat a dick on trying to choose that one for us. 

In the end, the goal is to find the thing you can't not do. Not the stuff you can do, so might as well do it. For people who are good at many things, this can be sort of a curse. It's to find whatever it is that you are not able to be you, without. Then only add the rest case-by-case.

What you're going through sounds a like a reckoning between the "stuff you're doing," and the stuff you sense you can't be you, without. Props on listening to the impulse and not gaslighting yourself out of it. What comes on the other end might end up being as big a surprise to you as to anyone else, but if you keep listening to those warning bells, you should get "there," whichever membrane "there" resides in, better for the process. 

Good luck.

 

 

[ksoper]

5 hours ago, SamuelBLupowitz said:

I should mention that the interpersonal dynamics of that outfit can be challenging, as well. I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut and getting along, but the deeper in I get -- the more I become "their keyboard player" instead of "the guy who jumped in and bailed us out during Covid, we're so grateful to have you" -- the more concerned I am about being beholden to their whims (which are sometimes unrealistic bordering on delusional; the 40-year-old vocalist is having her first child in early July and has every intention of getting back onstage three weeks later). My wife is also involved in that group, and she's nearing the end of her rope with it.

 

First and foremost, you have a music-related day gig that pays and has insurance. That's a pretty good position to be in while you decide what's next. But this paragraph is the one that jumped out at me.  I'd have a heart-to-heart with your wife (I'm sure you already have) and decide how much nonsense you're willing to put up with.  I've never had a high tolerance for band games, whether from inside the group or from agents, club owners, promoters, etc. This attitude has left me unemployed from time to time, yet I always seemed to fall upwards.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure your wife is completely onboard. I wish you the best of luck as you maneuver through this particular existential crisis. There will be more.   

[RABid]

The good news, you are a keyboard player and will always be in demand. The better news, you can also sing, which makes you even more valuable. You can step away from the scene for a break, and when you are ready to go back, bands will line up for your participation. So first piece of advice, do not hang onto a band that is not comfortable because you think you have to. ... You don't. You are a keyboard player ... who sings ... That makes you the most in demand entity in the business. Sure, bands are built around lead singers with great frontman abilities, but you are the first person they call.

 

Now, speaking strictly from my own experience. There comes a time when you start focusing on steady pay, insurance, retirement and vacation. This is not the end of your music career, it can be a liberation. I chose to get a degree, get a good day job, and use my new found stability to help me dive further into music. Music is much more than bar gigs. Not that bar gigs is a bad thing. But carefully choose the path that will make you happy. I have a friend that just retired as a teacher. He has a retirement check, insurance, and is playing in the same band he was in when we met 40 years ago. They play as much as he wants to play. Because of stage fright I chose a different path. Thanks to my degree - day job - retirement with insurance I have all the music instruments I need, and I am musically fulfilled. At 63 I am still regularly recruited to join working bands. I don't regret walking away when I did. My only regret is I never got around to starting that YouTube channel that I thought about a few years ago. But most of all...

 

It is amazing what financial stability and long term planning can do for you musical mindset.

[BluMunk]

Like other have said, your experience of this inflection point mirrors some of my own experience- about 10 years ago (age 33) I made a shift away from music-as-primary-income to something else, while still holding various threads of half-careers in different aspects of music.

 

It has been hard to reconcile my identity as a musician with current life of a 9-5 office job, spouse, and the possibility of a kid in the future. The fact is, with financial and relationship responsibilities I just don’t have the time or flexibility to dive into all the projects and collaborations I used to- nor do I have the energy or patience for the less-positive aspects of that work.

 

The pandemic disruption released me from some things I had been sticking to out of habit, and it feels like a strange time right now- I both want to dive back into work and a world I miss deeply but barely remember from the “before times”, and also am finding that the value I found in some of those modalities and relationships just isn’t there any more.

 

Good luck finding equilibrium! For me, looking around at the thousands of people just in my small community who engage with music in different ways while also living full lives outside of music helps me keep perspective.

 

I don’t have to be a sound engineer and a keyboardist and a band leader and a synth programmer and a teacher and a music director and a gear resource and an expert on the local scene and a wedding musician and and and…. I can still do some of the things I love without doing all of it. And it’s ok to let those pieces go. And come back to them later if I want to.

[ElmerJFudd]

Having options is good.  It’s definitely worse when options are limited and you’re not thrilled about any of them. 
 

So what is the right balance of being mentally and musically stimulated/challenged, living comfortably/securely and managing stress?   
 

For me I’d say, good time management habits, saying no to things up front if your gut tells you it’s going to be a hassle (because it almost always is), and being sure to leave time for things you want to do and feel good about (regardless of $).   
 

Don’t forget about health, fitness and diet as well as a side note. It helps with longevity and overall outlook at any stage of life. 

[KuruPrionz]

I plan on coming back and reading all these excellent posts a little later. I've read a good bit of them already. 

 

I've probably played over 2,000 gigs and almost entirely as a sideman (lead guitar, harmony vocals). 

Last year I amicably resigned from a band that plays lots of gigs, just burnt out on doing that. We are all still best of friends. 

 

I've been working on a solo act for a good while now, this last Tuesday I went to an open mic night and played 3 songs and I think I'm on the right track. The response was good, I'm singing better, playing backup guitar better (12 string acoustic tuned to D) and I'm finally completely free to express tempo changes, my love of well placed silence, simplicity and being able to choose any song I want to try because I feel like it. 

 

The gear scene changes as well, I have a Fishman Loudbox Performer - 180 watts, 3 way speaker and 2 mic/guitar channels with some nice effects. It has a kickstand so I don't need to put it up on a speaker stand and it will reach the far end of a pretty good sized room easily. So I don't need much gear and it sounds great. 

 

That's my world now, that and working on recording quite a backlog of my own songs. 

[CowboyNQ]

G’day Sam,

 

Sorry to hear you’re doing it tough.

 

The best time and stress management device I know is the ability to say “no”, and then reconcile oneself to the decision.

 

it’s certainly not for me to suggest what order you should place your priorities in, but I heartily recommend you sit down with Mandy and work through what’s important to you as a team, and also what you need to fill your bucket.  I know you guys are a solid unit and she is your biggest supporter.  
 

Once you decide what’s worth pursuing and what’s not, attack it with vigour and leave what’s behind, behind.

 

Wishing you all the best Sam.  You are a capable, kind and caring person who I know brings so much heart and energy to everything you do.  But we are all human and all have limits.  Remember to be kind to yourself, too.

 

Cheers,

 

Paul

[Bill H.]

3 hours ago, RABid said:

The good news, you are a keyboard player and will always be in demand. The better news, you can also sing, which makes you even more valuable.

This is so important to remember. When I was a full time musician, I can't tell you the number of times I thought I was screwed when a band I was depending on financially suddenly fell apart. But something always came up - maybe it was just a low level casual, or something temporary until the next big project - but something always came up. And the reason was because I was a keyboard player who could sing. 

 

Sam you'll be fine no matter what you decide to do. 

[niacin]

11 hours ago, SamuelBLupowitz said:

 

The band that regularly pays me the best (I'm a hired gun, I have no involvement in the business side, and that's by choice) is also the one that requires me to take an increasing amount of time away from work and other things. They signed with a booking agency earlier this year, which is great and exciting news, but now they're asking for all my availability for the rest of the year, and asking us to try to book our personal time around the availability of the other band members. I hate to feel ungrateful for the opportunity, but the alarm bells are going off. I know the idea is that it's an investment, but as nice as it is to gradually chip away at my credit card and bulk up my savings account by playing cool shows, even tripling the amount of shows we play won't pay my mortgage, and I only have so much PTO to burn for my day job.

 

I should mention that the interpersonal dynamics of that outfit can be challenging, as well. I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut and getting along, but the deeper in I get -- the more I become "their keyboard player" instead of "the guy who jumped in and bailed us out during Covid, we're so grateful to have you" -- the more concerned I am about being beholden to their whims (which are sometimes unrealistic bordering on delusional; the 40-year-old vocalist is having her first child in early July and has every intention of getting back onstage three weeks later). My wife is also involved in that group, and she's nearing the end of her rope with it. I get it, but I'm also reluctant to give up the band willing to move my gear around the northeast to play more, better shows at festivals and colleges. They've offered to find some subs so that they can continue to power forward without needing us to be there at every single gig, which is a great deal, but I don't know how long I can realistically cherry-pick only the gigs I like before *I* become the sub (or get the axe). Now, I've got other more professionally-oriented projects (i.e., more than just Weekend Warrior, beer money gigs) in my orbit where I have an open invitation to be a part of it as much as I can, but the demands of travel are so much and the money is still scant.

 

I’m not at your stage of life, and I’m no good at saying ‘no’ to things, but your 40 year old singer having her first child in 4 months is probably kidding herself and it’s likely the band will have a break of some sort, both pre and post the birth, if you and your wife can stick it out until then you both will have a suck it and see opportunity to ask yourselves how you feel about not doing that gig for a while and how much you really want it, and come to a decision.

 

Alternately you could tell them you’re not available for a month or so, organise the sub yourself, and create the opportunity to experience life without that band.

 

I’d also be inclined to lose the gigs at the “same half dozen local clubs/breweries/wineries”, but if you’re unsure organise a sub yourself for a few of them and see how you really feel about not doing those gigs, and that way it’s still your gig if you want it back.

 

i’ll add one thing: don’t fill up that time out if you take it with plans to finish you recording projects or the like. plan to do nothing. maybe plan to do it with your wife. and when the time comes around and the band is doing the gig with a sub and you haven’t played with them for the past 3 weeks, your only task is to notice how you feel and what is running through your mind.

 

 

[MAJUSCULE]

Couple other things that I heard in therapy that helped me:

 

-You can't simply find balance, you have to create it. It takes work.

-Change doesn't happen until you change something.

[Theo Verelst]

I've only read Sam's post quickly, and I have to say it's hard to be right about gigging and recording if, to put it like one of my favorite songs"You Can't Get What You Want ('till you know what you want)". I suppose a possible test is "would you go to your own performance/show and listen to your own recordings.

 

I all honesty: most thing I made are in clear categories, and I haven't made many tracks yet I'd put on a "every day" playlist or something. I'd go to most of the performances I've done, I guess, and I for myself like the dynamic of a nice band and the whole idea of performing, but then again, a cover band would have to be pretty good to not feel it sucks, and a feq decades ago I was pretty picky already about what I really went for.

 

So I get the live performing rush (or quiet happiness or .. ..) so maybe make sure the thing you like the best, for me that was Jazz/Fusion performance with good fellow musicians) somehow gets time and if that depends on you can continue.

 

Theo

[allan_evett]

So much good guidance and affirmation here, so nothing is coming to mind that I could add.  What resonates most for me right now is allowing yourself to be the sub in an act, vs. main keys player. For the past 5-6 years I'd been the main player in a couple of bands, but once the pandemic restrictions began easing the two groups began to have conflicting bookings. And one of  the bands starting getting calls 2-3 hours from home, which I had to drive to - with little to no additional compensation. And that group mainly works late spring to the end of summer.  Also in the middle of the pandemic I was 'furloughed' from a P/T church MD gig, so ended up on an accompanying gig that now includes late Saturday afternoon/early evening; and that's messed with both bands' schedules. The summer act leader and I just spoke at length, and some of his gigs are even further out this year, so he is definitely looking for someone who can cover those gigs and others; meanwhile another regional player and I will be splitting what's left. The leader and I have a decades long history: I've played on his recordings, been in a couple different groups together, and have some long-term family and friend relationships.  Lots of good history with players from the other group as well, so no burned bridges anywhere.  

 

So no shame in stepping back to a seconday role in an act. Could be a very healthy move for you and your wife, Sam; worth considering as that band appears to be teetering on the edge of weirdness. The day gig may be less exciting at times, but at least it's stable.

 Granted I'd prefer a steady,well-paying  local band gig (The accompanying gig is shorter hours, but there's intense stress from the MD.), but the private teaching and accompanying pay the bills more consistently right now.

[HammondDave]

I am 67 and have been on this musical journey since I was 15. I am presently a weekend warrior in two local working bands (one classic rock and the other original soul/R&B) and am booked two weekends out of four each month.  When I was much younger (19) I was fortunate that I found an alternative artistic medium that had a more secure future than music. So that frees me from the constant financial pressures that most professional musicians go through. Your university job (like mine) allows you the security to do what you want to do.
 

The pandemic had a devastating blow on artists. Many of my professional colleagues and friends left the live entertainment design profession over the past three years. I cannot imagine how many musicians had to give it up just to pay their bills. You are one of the fortunate ones who can make a choice without suffering economic catastrophe. 
 

My advice to you… Do what will be best for your marriage and what makes you and your wife happy.  If you want kids, start that family. Especially while you have a steady university job with health insurance. There is nothing more important in life than living it with someone you love. Don’t lose that for anything.

[TommyRude]

Hey Sam, just now seeing this, what a great community this is - you in sharing, and the team in responding!

 

As others, I can give insights on what I did, and in hindsight what I wished I might have done differently.  Using roughly comparable stages in life, you are far ahead of me in terms of reflecting on where you are and considering what you should do.  I was winging it, every day, every week, every year.  I played with some great people, and in retrospect, I wished I had paid more attention to what they were doing, how they were doing it.  Some of those guys are still playing, 30+ years later, super successfully.

 

This might not be completely accurate, but those guys had a vision, they knew where they wanted to be in 5, 10, 20+ years.  They set longer term goals, worked their way backwards and articulated the steps they needed to arrive at that future dream scenario, what was needed and when. There were music goals, but also financial, health, family, education, retirement.

 

What I'm describing is sort of a 'project plan'.  Not a musical project (transactional), but rather a life plan (strategic).  A plan that has milestones that can be tracked and monitored along the way.  As you go, you can make adjustments, and a good plan has contingencies for the unexpected.  Maybe not super scripted, but at least some markers to help guide your journey.

 

This is definitely not for everyone and it might not be for you Sam, but articulating what the future looks like might help you to take the right steps now, and make better decisions along the way.  It doesn't guarantee success, but increases the chances of getting where you want to be.

[nadroj]

When my second kid was born I packed in the gigs. I got a 9-5 job and after a decade of trying to make music my “main thing”, pushed it to the side. My degree and 80% of my work experience was in music, so it was a bit tough at first. 
 

I made music a hobby rather than a full time pursuit and my enjoyment of it suddenly went up by 300%. I stopped taking gigs because I had to. I stopped taking gigs that didn’t give me life. Once things had settled i started subbing for a band that I’m now a full time member of, and am now more musically fulfilled than I ever have been. We’re still weekend warriors but we’re selling out shows at big venues and have just released an originals album - even though we’re a tribute act. I’m now in a position where I have a wife and kids and a job but I’m in playing a different city every weekend. My musical and creative output has never, ever been this fulfilling or good - and it’s still just a hobby (which happens to provide a decent enough second income to make it worth it for my family). It took years, but we’ve found a way to make it work. It is possible. But it wouldn’t have been possible back when I packed things in. I had to take time off to allow myself and my family to settle before getting back into it.

 

As others have said, focus on your family first. You may very well find that dropping the music down a notch in your priority list for a season will reawaken your joy for it.

 

As musicians we balance a lot of plates. It sounds like for now you need to find a lifestyle that works for you and your family. Sometimes that means dropping a plate - in this case serious playing. You can either choose to drop it, or let it fall and smash, which is no fun. Once you have the important plates spinning well, you can then pick up other plates again and began spinning them. 
 

Life comes at us in seasons, and the good thing about seasons is that they come back around again. Taking a step back from musical commitments for a time doesn’t mean it’s forever, or that your efforts thus far have been wasted - you’re just doing things differently for a little while.
 

Take time off, focus on other things and let your love for the creative be naturally rekindled over time. The last thing you want to do just now is force yourself into things that don’t bring you life. 

 

[Dr Mike Metlay]

Sam, I echo a lot of the advice you're getting here. As we get older (and at least a little wiser, we hope), we start to recognize what's really important. One of the things we have at least some control over is choosing what we do that lowers our stress level rather than raising it.

 

To that end: keep the job with the health insurance (you're screwed without it in today's market, full stop), and ditch that band. If it will never replace your day job financially, if you and your wife aren't being treated with respect, if they make more and more demands without considering your well-being and time availability, and they are (in your own words) delusional, then flee. Just FLEE. You can do better and more opportunities will present themselves; if you can't take a deep breath, get out before you suffocate.

 

Just my 5 Lindens' worth.

 

mike

[Outkaster]

Sam you and I almost share the same music scene, we are less then two hours apart.  I was at your house a couple times before and when COVID hit.  Nothing. I mean nothing has come good of COVID.  It ruined healthcare, the economy, people's attitudes and business. In some cases with COVID were learning on the fly.  Staying home did a lot of damage to music/entertainment. A club owner in Buffalo said to me that "we taught people to stay home"  I don't care how many walks and pets people bought, the damage and mental remnants of COVID are still there for musicians.  I lost my parents, my Fiance lost two sisters in Trinidad (not COVID related) and my university job.  Plus the band I built from nothing died in August 2021 which was huge for me.  The ripple affect of that is something I am still dealing with.

 

We have felt a lot of loss. Some more than others depending on how much music plays in your life.  The anxiety of what's next or where we stand as musicians is hard.  I was just talking to my former bass player that said "fuck it" because nothing is happening and he doesn't feel like practicing.  For a lot of us lately, there doesn't seem like much to look forward to anymore.  I look at pics or videos on 2019 even and it seems so long ago and a different world.  I bring all this up because I believe you are struggling with some things and how to move forward. , That's the thing though, how do you move forward?  I think we all struggle with that to some extent.....

[stoken6]

This thread exemplifies at least 50% of why KC is an awesome place. I can't think of anywhere else where Sam could get such a wide range of pertinent advice. 

 

Cheers, Mike.