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OT: Kill My Drummer....please


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This was actually on Craigslist



Looking for someone special who would kill my drummer for $100.00.


Do not fear any negative consequences for this act, any self respecting law enforcement agency would gladly turn the other cheek once they hear this guy "play".


I am tired of hearing his 70's style fills put in the wrong spot and ending one half beat early or late depending on how much he's had to drink.


I am tired of him standing up behind his drums between songs and ripping his shirt off and flexing his muscles at wedding receptions where we were hired to play Air Supply, carpenters , and ann murray songs because "chicks dig the pecs, dude".


I am tired of him showing up 20 minutes late for rehearsals then pouting until someone helps him load in his drums, then taking 30 minutes to set them up and needing a smoke break every 15 minutes, then wanting to leave early because "this chick is so fine, I can't say no, and she knows record people dude, so it's for the band"


I am totally done with him calling me up at midnight to play me some damned jazz fusion album from 1981, crying and saying how we shouldn't have sold out to "the man" and asking if I know anyone who can get him some weed knowing full well I smoked twice in 69 and never touched it after that.


I am sick of him farting on stage where the drum mics pick it up and thinking this shit is funny.


I am tired of kicking off slow ballads at well under 80 bpm only to have them morph into the methamphetimine version of flight of the bumble bee, because that's the tempo he "feels" it at.


I am tired of having to carry jumper cables to the gig because "I must have left the dome light on again, dude"instead of admitting his 84 oldsmobile is a worn out piece of crap.


I am tired of him asking when he's gonna get a drum solo. I am tired of paying his tab at restaurants because "that chick must have stole my wallet man, but it was worth it 'cause she was a phreak".


I will not move my amp again so he can put another new cymbal on the stage, because "when we learn some fusion I'll need this sound".........please somebody kill this motherfucker.


I can't do it because he's my brother and mom would be so pissed off even though she thinks the band would probably sound better too. besides, if you are good at killing drummers, you could probably make a lot of money in this town.

Hammond C3, Leslie 122, Steinway B, Wurlitzer 200A, Rhodes 73,

D6 Clav

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Well, like they say, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family!


Re: drum solos - they should add "Wipeout" to their song list and be done with it, or maybe "Toad". Of course, he has to be stripped to the waist and do somersaults and other acrobatic tricks, and have plenty of drumsticks on hand to throw to the audience, paid for out of his OWN pocket, not the band equipment fund......


If he can play in 7/4 and other odd time signatures, in a stiff and mechanical manner, in songs in 4, so much the better!

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Hilarious stuff!


Here's a drummer joke I heard told at NAMM by Paul Reed Smith himself: Why do drummers put their sticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can use the handicapped parking!

He probably got the joke from Carey Zeigler.

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I will not move my amp again so he can put another new cymbal on the stage, because "when we learn some fusion I'll need this sound".........please somebody kill this motherfucker.


This line made me laugh out loud. :laugh:

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
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I really like the drummer who plays is our covers band. Granted, he does some strange things every once in a while, and his hearing is marginal so that it is mandatory that we put a stage monitor very close and directly pointed at him. But he plays a lot of good things, plays great on ballads, and actually *listens* to and takes in suggestions we make.


Sorry to crash the party.

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