OT: Hillbilly Vasectomy

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

I like to believe so Dave, lol. For people with sticks up their patooties though (yes, I'm targeting an entire group, oh dear god) I think my close and personal friend (who I've never met or talked to) Jello Biafra Sums it up best.

 

Ladies and gentlemen

Welcome to the disclaimer

That's right, the disclaimer

 

This American apple pie institution

Known as parental discretion

Will cleanse any sense of innuendo or sarcasm

From the lyrics that might actually make you think

And will also insult your intelligence at the same time

 

So protect your family.

This album contains explicit depictions

Of things which are real.

These real things are commonly known as life.

So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously.

If it sounds dangerous,

Do not try this at home or at all.

And if it offends you, just don't listen to it.

[Andre Lower]

Couple of rednecks are lost in the desert.

 

One of them stares all around, grunts, and tells his buddy: "hey Mike, seen all these sand around?! Boy, when the cement comes in, we're doomed*...

 

* Mr. Fortner would have to wring my neck if I used the original word, but "doomed" does the job.

[BluesKeys]

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." author unknown

 

No more blond jokes I guess.

[PianoJazz1951]

...boys-point is, if you want to poke fun at somebody; more than likely they're gonna get back in your face for it.

Thin skinned?

You never really know who's out there. Maybe some hillbilly who's heard the same lame condescending crap just one time too many.

Go ahead and "dish it out", but be ready to be challenged...

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

Seemed more like his point was "don't say anything that may offend anyone" I'm more than willing to take any jokes thrown at me. I'll start.

 

How many metalheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

Ten, one to screw it in and nine to say Slayer could have done it better.

 

Oh, and Howard Stern told a black joke, but Robin laughed so it's okay

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

What do you call a metalhead without a girlfriend?

 

Homeless

[guestuserguestuser.com]

Originally posted by Billdar:

Those are jokes about specific rich white folks, not about the catagory of "rich white folks".

 

That's WAYYY different. I still don't recall hearing any "rich white folks" jokes.

 

Cheers,

Bill

What about yuppie jokes - do they count? (This one includes a sheep reference, so I get extra points from Gas):

 

 

A consultant gives a shepherd the benifit of his expertise

 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

 

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

 

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

 

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.

 

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

 

( from The Humour Archives )

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by Floyd Tatum:

Now give me back my dog.

[Billdar]

Originally posted by Floyd Tatum:

Originally posted by Billdar:

[qb]Those are jokes about specific rich white folks, not about the catagory of "rich white folks".

 

That's WAYYY different. I still don't recall hearing any "rich white folks" jokes.

 

Cheers,

Bill

What about yuppie jokes - do they count?

....................................

 

Floyd Tatum,

 

Well I guess yuppie jokes come close enough to count. But I'm not quite sure if yuppies qualify as truly "rich", since they are in the process of being "upwardly mobile", and therefore not quite there yet.

 

I'm finding this subject to be rather complex. Even though I like complex things, I think I'll just take a break here and listen some Dr. John.

 

He puts a spin on things that I feel really at home with.

 

Anybody hear any keyboardist jokes lately?

 

Cheers,

Bill

[Manhunter]

Wow! a sheep reference and a dog reference in the same joke!!

 

Dave

[linwood]

http://www.bellmusicproductions.com/clientdownloads/redneckdogs.jpg

[Sven Golly]

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

 

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

 

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

 

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

 

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

 

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

 

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

 

============================================

 

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

 

The man says, "I was a doctor."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

 

"I was a school teacher."

 

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

 

"I was a musician."

 

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

 

============================================

 

Cheers,

SG

[Phred]

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None - the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.

 

----

What do you call the guy who hangs around with the metal band?

 

The keyboardist.

 

----

how many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None- they have machines to do that now.

----

 

How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at the door?

 

He speeds up

 

-----

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

Hey c'mon now Phred, I'm offended by the metal keyboardist joke, I may go cry in a corner somewhere.

 

[Phred]

[Guy Smiley]

Young New York dude goes down to (insert destination of choice) for holiday.

 

After a week he rings up his folks .... " Hey dad. It's great down here. I've met a beautiful girl and we're going to get married ".

 

Dad ... "that's great son".

 

"And guess what dad. She's a virgin ".

 

Dad ... " Now listen son. IF SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOuGH FOR HER FAMILY, SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OURS ! "

[Chris Link]

Originally posted by Guy Smiley:

Young New York dude goes down to (insert destination of choice) for holiday.

 

After a week he rings up his folks .... " Hey dad. It's great down here. I've met a beautiful girl and we're going to get married ".

 

Dad ... "that's great son".

 

"And guess what dad. She's a virgin ".

 

Dad ... " Now listen son. IF SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOuGH FOR HER FAMILY, SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OURS ! "

Guy, I see from the "Canadien" post that you're from Australia, so you are to be excused, but this joke doesn't make sense to Americans.

 

The way I heard this one is that both the families are "hillbillies". In that case, incest would be the expectation from both parties. The likelihood that incest is considered normal would not be in your stereotype of your basic New Yorker. Pushy, rude, totally clueless about life outside NY, funny accent perhaps- but incest just doesn't register on our humor scale.

 

Jokes and stereotypes, as I said before, have to have some basis in fact or common perception. You make jokes about Scottish and Jewish people being tight with money, not Irishmen or Jamacians.

 

Oh boy, can't wait for the responses to these stereotypes.

[Guy Smiley]

Thanks for that misterdregs

My mistake for trying to 're-locate' a joke back to it's possible place of origin.

 

Brief explanation ... Tasmania is a large island and state off the south eastern tip of OZ.

Evidence suggests that many moons ago inbreeding took place in remote areas.

The 'young dude' is usually from a large city (Melbourne or Sydney) on mainland Australia where incest is not an issue and takes his vacation in Tassie.

 

Once again, my mistake for using a joke that 'works' here but fails miserably on the other side of the Pacific

 

Not to worry .... better stick to blondes and musos I think ... lots of good Aussie jokes around too and we love 'em.

 

BTW, we are pretty familiar with the traits of a typical New Yorker over here .... "New York ! Just like I pictured it. Skyscrapers and everythang " ... cheers.

[Andre Lower]

Oh Sven, this St. Peter joke of yours clicked my memory for one that still ranks among my all-time favorites:

 

St. Peter is kind of bored, sharpening pencils at his desk on heaven's gates, when an old man approaches the entrance and, apparently not having seen him, was about to pass through. St. Peter stops the man and tells him that he cannot simply step in, he has to identify himself, etc. The man replies:

- Sorry son, you see, I am rather old, and have not actually seen you there...

- Sure pops, but you still have to go through the regular questionnaire. Where did you live on earth?

- I never left the place I was born, but my memory is blurred, as I am really old...

- OK, so what's your name, pops?

- Sorry son, you see, I am so old that I do not even remember the name they used to call me...

- Look pops, there's other people coming in, and I do not have all day. You got to identify yourself, otherwise I cannot let you in here. Can't you remember anything at all?

- Well, I remember I was a carpenter, and had a very famous son.

St. Peter's eyes pop out. He always knew this was bound to happen someday, but was shaking with anxiety when he got hold of the red telephone under his desk and curtly said "Bring the Man here. On the double."

After some minutes Jesus comes walking from inside the gates and sees the old man standing beside St.Peter's desk. His eyes immediately get wet. His heart starts pounding. He runs up to the old man with a smile full of emotion and arms outstretched. The old man also lights up with a moving fervor, and also runs towards Jesus with arms outstretched. Jesus cries out loud "Daddy!". The old man, by now sobbing, cries in reply: "Pinocchio!"

[Garrafon]

Well, I have not been online for a few days to see the firestorm I apparently created over a joke. I must say that I never expected such a result other than some people to chuckle. Frankly, this whole thread has become rather ridiculous. But, I guess we were due for a firestorm.

 

Here is my message to anyone who may have been offended (which is sure to cause even more furor, but, frankly, I don't care), including those who may have silently or publicly called me by derogative names:

 

First, let me make it very clear that, I do NOT apologize for posting the joke. It was, and remains, funny.

 

Second, if you thought you may have been offended, you should not have read the post. The thread "topic" made it very clear that it was about "hillbillys" and "vasectomies" and that it was "off topic." If you could not figure out that the post likely was a humorous thread concening hillbillys and vasectomies, then [insert insult here]. If, on the other hand, you thought the post was a serious explanation about hillbillys and vasectomies, then [insert insult here]. The point being that you were on notice of the likely subject matter of the topic and if you felt it would be offensive to you, you should not have clicked on it. The remedy for avoiding material you find offensive is to not read it ("avert your eyes"). It's really that simple.

 

Third, my apparent reputation of being an [edited to read: a long eared, slow, patient, sure-footed domesticated mammal; any wild species of the genus Equus, as the onager] notwithstanding, I feel confident in knowing that most people on this forum who actually know me understand that I frequently imbue my postings with humor.

 

Fourth, it matters not from which country you may hail. When you voluntarily log onto the Internet, you willingly open yourself up to the ideas, opinions, thoughts, etc. of others from around the world. You, therefore, need to be willing to accept the fact that you might be faced with material that you do not find appropriate for yourself. If you remain concenced about your frail sensibilities, then I suggest you engage in better means of self-censorship (see point two above).

 

Finally, to respond to certain other posts I've seen on this thread, yes, I laugh at lawyer jokes. I even tell lawyer jokes. Yes, I laugh at Jewish jokes (I am Jewish). I even make Jewish jokes. I am not particularly tall, yet I laugh at short jokes. I even make short jokes. I even laugh at jokes aimed specifically at me. Sometimes I even make jokes specifically at me.

 

I trust that those offended by my post do not go and see comedians. Most, if not all, comedians (well, the funny ones anyway) turn stereotypes into humor. Are you offended by "Larry the Cable Guy?" That's his entire act. Or, what about the comedian that touched on stereotypes concerning sexuality? Whether they are true for everyone or not, the point remains - they are funny.

 

 

Here is a quote I think appropriate:

 

"Laughing means being cognizant of your surroundings. When you laugh you become a part of something---you join in, you become part of the crowd.

Sometimes the joke relates to you. It takes a little bit of humility when you can laugh at yourself---get off your high horse, relax, and let it go. It's a way of saying 'You can have this one on me. Enjoy yourself. I'll get even.'"

 

Malcolm E. Stitt, Albuquerque, New Mexico

 

Now, in the interest of fairness, I am ready and willing to accept your responses, whether they be intelligent, thought out replies, or knee jerk, insultive reactions (of course, I much prefer the former over the latter).

[JMcS]

Jesus and a group of desciples come upon a crowd that is getting ready to stone a young woman to death. He speaks to the crowd and says (you guessed it) "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone". The crowd shuffles its feet and begins to break up. A little old lady walks up to the young woman and tosses a small pebble at her. Jesus looks at the old woman and says "Mom, I really hate it when you do that".

[Garrafon]

Originally posted by misterdregs:

Originally posted by Guy Smiley:

Young New York dude goes down to (insert destination of choice) for holiday.

 

After a week he rings up his folks .... " Hey dad. It's great down here. I've met a beautiful girl and we're going to get married ".

 

Dad ... "that's great son".

 

"And guess what dad. She's a virgin ".

 

Dad ... " Now listen son. IF SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOuGH FOR HER FAMILY, SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR OURS ! "

Guy, I see from the "Canadien" post that you're from Australia, so you are to be excused, but this joke doesn't make sense to Americans.

 

The way I heard this one is that both the families are "hillbillies". In that case, incest would be the expectation from both parties. The likelihood that incest is considered normal would not be in your stereotype of your basic New Yorker. Pushy, rude, totally clueless about life outside NY, funny accent perhaps- but incest just doesn't register on our humor scale.

 

Jokes and stereotypes, as I said before, have to have some basis in fact or common perception. You make jokes about Scottish and Jewish people being tight with money, not Irishmen or Jamacians.

 

Oh boy, can't wait for the responses to these stereotypes.

I understood the joke, but I'm from upstate NY where that stuff still happens. Maybe that' why I take all the sheep talk so seriously

[David Loving]

What does it mean when the drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth?

 

.....the stage is level.

 

 

What's the difference between a dead armadillo in the middle of the road and a dead trombone player in the middle of the road?

 

 

...chances are the armadillo was on his way to a gig.

[Billdar]

Garrafon,

 

After reading all of the posts, and mulling about this for some days now, I've come to my own personal conclusion about all of this:

 

I think that, bottom line, whether this kind of joke is offensive depends mostly on how it is told. The teller can mean it to be derogatory and hateful, or funny and loving. This is generally easy to discern, especially if one knows the teller of the joke.

 

After reading your many posts on this forum, my opinion is that you are indeed a good spirited fellow. I read your joke in that context, and yes, as I said in my post, I did laugh, despite my Alabama "hillbilly" heritage.

 

I'm just speaking for myself here. I'm not saying this how anybody else should feel. But I bet a lot of folks feel much the same.

 

Cheers,

Bill

[kad]

I am a mutt - I have French, German, Polish and American Indian ancestry, and my dad's side of the family hails from the hills of Kentucky... That's a pretty wide open canvas for off-color humor, and I openly welcome it with just one caveat - it gots to be funny. Don't go wastin' mah time with jokes dat ain't funny nun'.

 

C'mon boys and girls, if we can't laugh at ourselves within reason, what's the point??

[Dick Ward MP Hall of Fame]

No no, I preferr laughing at others cad

[Chris Link]

Well, I think it's pretty #@%*ing obvious who on this thread would be fun to sit and have a few beers with telling stories and those who, for lack of a better term, are among the perpetually aggrieved.

 

BTW, loved the armadillo/tromboninst joke.

[Chris Link]

The religious jokes reminded me of this site:

 

http://ship-of-fools.com/Features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html

 

They collected and polled readers for the funniest and most offensive religious jokes.

 

BTW, in light of the Catholic church's well-publicized scandals in recent years, I tell the #1 offensive joke as "The boy on the cliff' instead of a little girl.

 

OK, boys and girls, you've been warned. As Billy Joel said "don't come bitchin' to me" if you don't like them.

[Dave Bryce]

Originally posted by misterdregs:

Well, I think it's pretty #@%*ing obvious who on this thread would be fun to sit and have a few beers with telling stories and those who, for lack of a better term, are among the perpetually aggrieved.

Maybe yes, maybe no...

 

I think the joke is way funny...I admit it...matter of fact, I've already told it two different people. However, I'm not sure that this forum is the right place for it - reason being is that it does kinda slam a social class to which there are people who are proud to belong. Now, if the thread title had been Moron Vasectomy, that might have been different...don't know too many folks who'd be proud to call themselves moron.

 

Look, anyone who knows me knows that I'm anything but a choirboy...but I do try not to bum anyone out if I can avoid it. I figure it's all about knowing your audience...and the bottom line is that in a public forum that can be viewed by anybody anywhere in the world, I'd probably be inclined to err on the side of caution.

 

Look at it this way...if the title of this thread contained a different stereotype that more of us had been trained to be wary of poking fun at publicly (black/hispanic/Jewish...you get the idea), I'm guessing it'd have already been pulled...if brother Garrafon would have ever put it up at all.

 

Believe me - the last thing I want is to ruin anybody's fun...I'm just sayin'...

 

...and misterdregs - I'd be delighted to sit over drinks and swap stories with you any time - I promise you I'm not what the average person would call perpetually aggrieved.

 

dB

[Chris Link]

Originally posted by Dave Bryce:

...and misterdregs - I'd be delighted to sit over drinks and swap stories with you any time - I promise you I'm not what the average person would call perpetually aggrieved.

 

dB

Drinks on me if you ever find your way to Omaha, Dave. We'll even open up a good bottle of wine and maybe some vintage Port after dinner. Unfortunately, there isn't a great body of Nebraska jokes that I'm aware of, unless you count the standard hick and dumb jock lines from Denver sportswriters and Colorado Buffalo football fans. (The best - Q: What does the N on the Huskers helmets stand for? - A: (k)nowledge.)

 

"The Perpetually Aggrieved" - as Dave Barry might say, "That'd make a good name for a rock band".

 

OK, I Googled "Nebraska jokes" and this was the best I could find:

 

"Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Nebraska is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Nebraska Style."

 

The contestants will start in Omaha, travel up to South Sioux City and on to Norfolk and Columbus. Then they will head over to Grand Island and up to Kearney and Ogallala. From there they will proceed up to Scottsbluff and Valentine. Then back down through North Platte, McCook, Red Cloud and Superior ....all the way over to Lincoln and back to Omaha.

 

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm a vegetarian. Steak clogs your arteries. The Huskers stink. Go Raiders! Cheese is high in cholesterol. Hillary in 2008. Deer-hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

 

The first one that makes it back to Omaha alive, wins."