Tragedy at gig

[Key hairman]

This weekend at a gig something happened while we were playing. A dear friend was struck while crossing a highway to get to his car. He was killed instantly. He was known to everyone in the audience and it was a devastating blow to our community. He was a prominent citizen and a lover of music. Of course the band and I are experiencing a million emotions but the obvious question in our minds is do we really want to continue after this life changing event. I wonder if any of you have had this experience? If so I would appreciate your insights or thoughts on the subject.

 

 

 

[marczellm]

The well known Hungarian rock band "Karthago" had a teen die at a concert in 1981. They wrote their best song "Requiem" in memory of him.

[mate stubb]

Very sorry for your loss, and welcome to the forum. I've lost multiple band members over the years, but never a friend at a gig. 

 

My closest experience was having a great friend and his wife die on a motorcycle a few minutes after we parted at the end of a vacation trip. He was a fellow musician and modular synth enthusiast and well loved in our little corner of the web. I ended up helping his son sell his massive modular over the following months.

 

It's a devastating experience for everyone involved. I stayed involved in music, but ended up losing my love for modulars and sold mine shortly after.

[Key hairman]

Thanks mate for sharing.  Im sure we all react different to tragedy but I can sure understand you not wanting to be involved with modulate. Reminders are painful!

 

 

[Key hairman]

Thanks mate for sharing.  Im sure we all react different to tragedy but I can sure understand you not wanting to be involved with modulate. Reminders are painful!

Modulars

 

 

 

[HammondDave]

Music soothes all emotions in life. You keep playing because of his memory. He would have wanted that.  Think about how the Allman Brothers continued after losing Dwayne and Berry. 

[BluMunk]

That's awful and I'm so sorry.

The only advice I can give is that you don't have to make any long-term decisions right now.

Last year a friend's band lost their long-time friend, collaborator, and front man to suicide. The band went on hiatus for a while, but ultimately decided to continue playing together, and have a few gigs coming up later this summer.

[synthizen2]

Totally devastating. So very sorry for your loss. 

[timwat]

What a horrible tragedy. I'm so sorry for you and the rest of the band, as well as your entire community. I'm familiar with something somewhat similar; the details aren't necessary or relevant here.

 

My guess is you're all going to need time to process this mentally and emotionally. And some of you may end up reaching different conclusions than others in the band - this kind of thing is deeply personal and there isn't a right or wrong answer to how you choose to respond.

 

The only thing I'd offer for your consideration is to take time to choose your personal response, rather than react to the tragedy. Give it time. 

 

One consideration - what would your friend, if he was still here, want you to do to honor his memory? Another one - why do you play music? how has this changed by his tragic passing? A third - in what possible ways does playing (or not playing) bring something good out of the sadness and loss that might carry on?

 

Those are just three initial thoughts, and doubtless there are a lot more.

 

 

[mate stubb]

Perhaps when the time is right a show in his remembrance would be in order, for the music community at large to celebrate him.

[Rustar]

I feel your sorrow. We lost our friend and lead singer to a drowning accident a little over a year ago. It was devastating. We gave ourselves about eight or nine months to ponder, and we decided to continue. We found a female singer with an entirely different musical skill set, and reformed the band without the second guitar player, who left due to business demands, plus, he was closest to the singer who died, and no doubt that influenced him as well. We have retooled the band and has our first successful gig, and have another on the books. 

[Garubi]

We lost Marco, our bassist/cofounder/cowriter twenty years ago, after ten years of recording, touring, writing songs, sharing life together, due to a cancer.

His lost was totally devastating. We tried to continue performing but after some moths we stopped, we couldn't find the sense of playing without Marco. We never officially splitted or "closed" the band, but we went in a sort of limbo.

We only played  together at some "in memoriam" concerts that we and our label organized for him one year after his loss, then 10 years after.

It was hard for us even meet each other occasionally for a beer...

 

But then, seven years ago, we started thinking that the best way to remember him and his great talent wasto play his songs again in front of an audience, to let new people know his work and let the old "fans" rejoin around the band in memory of Marco.

So we slowly restarted playing in public, writing new songs, etc... 

We had a song that we wrote for him shortly after his dead, "Senza paura" (Italian for "without fear") that we never played in public nor recorded. Now we play this song at every gig: it's our way to feel that Marco is with us on the stage.

We recorded a new album too: that's named after that song.

 

So my advice is: let settle down the things for a while but then don't stop playing: do it for your friend and for his lovo for the music!

 

[Key hairman]

I sincerely thank you for sharing your experiences. Somehow knowing what others have gone through helps.

 

[yannis D]

I am sorry for your loss 

Never had this experience but....many years ago i was playing with a band and cancer hit out bass player. He went through treatments and got back after almost two years and then again, unfortunately, cancer hit him again. He was the one to find us a bass player replacement and he was the one that told us that he wanted us to continue with the band "no matter what l"...

He passed away some months later. 

I came on conclusion that his wish for us to continue was real and sincere, maybe some kind of gesture.  

I guess this would be the wish for any other band member of band friend.

It will take time to absorb, but life has to to go on, and so does music

  

 

 

[SamuelBLupowitz]

So sorry for this sudden and tragic loss. Grief is different for every person in every instance, and that can make things complicated when a community mourns together -- everyone processes the emotion in different ways, at different times.

 

A few on this forum know that I lost a close friend to cancer a few years ago. His band's performances since have been more in the memorial vein, with a guitarist my late friend loved covering his parts plus the addition of me on keyboards so it felt less like simply replacing Dan. However, the performances have been so much fun, the bandleader is considering booking further performances for the group. Still, it's something everyone treads lightly around; there is something that feels kind of sacred about reviving that music with those people in the absence of Dan.

 

You will figure out what feels right for your group, and it may change over time. All of that is natural. What's most important is that you can all support each other through a difficult time.

[Docbop]

Were was just talking about this a couple days ago with an old friend.   A great keyboard player that part of our group of musicians and starting to get known was murdered.   He had final start living with his dream girl and for first time was short on money and didn't have faith gigs would miractualy appear as they always did in the past.   So he got a part time job at a burger joint another friend owned.   His first weekend it got robbed when closing and he was shot trying to get away.  That threw our whole community of musicians upside down, but we all stayed on our paths be it music and other paths.   Our friend's younger brother and sister both continued on their music paths and still working in music today.   

 

The strangest thing about our friends death was it was a saturday night my buddy and I weren't doing much and decided to go eat.   I say let's visit our friend at his new job.  My buddy said that a long drive I said I'm driving so let's go.  We get there and were ordering from our friend and he says....  It's weird you guys came up tonight,  my parents and sister came in, and another trumpet player friend all came that night to see our friend and a few hours later he was gone.   

 

So I say don't change, what happen is horrible, but keep on your path and drink a toast to them now and then. 

[Ivan May]

Sending prayers your way. Losing a band mate is not fun.

[marino]

Very sorry for your loss - my sincere condolences.

My closest experience was the loss of two incredible musicians, both well known and beloved in all Italy and abroad, in a matter of months between 2014 and 2015. Both were my good friends, we played together for 10 years, toured and recorded five albums. One succumbed to a brain tumor after a four-year battle and two surgeries; the other had an heart attack while driving, leading to a fatal accident. The whole music community was shocked, and those who knew them well were devastated. I still feel unsettled every time I think about it.

[MathOfInsects]

Sorry. What a traumatic experience.

I would encourage you (if possible, in time) to decouple the tragic way he passed, from it being at your own gig. If he loved music that much, he likely spent time going to many gigs in town. If you'd heard about it happening at someone else's show, you'd likely want to honor him by continuing to give others (and him in memoriam) the gift of music.

As for the personal struggle to create music in times of difficulty...ultimately, in my experience music has been what's saved me, rather than sunk me. Perhaps with a little time and perspective you may come to find it a comforting way to process this loss and trauma.

Sorry for your experience and loss. 

[Rod S]

Really sorry for your loss.      

 

My reaction to these situations is to try to honor the person in some way, reach out to those important to him in some way.   

 

I lost a old coworker last year (car accident) - found out through facebook.       I went over and over on my head, and finally sent a message to his wife (which I hadn't met, we worked in different countries, but he came to Brazil several times).  She was very thankful for my message, and mentioned a few things that made it clear that he had talked to her about me.   I asked her permission to send pictures of us together to her daughter (6, another reason why it hit me as hard as it did) from one of his visits , she agreed, and her daughter sent me a really sweet note after that.   

[stoken6]

I am (regrettably, and tearfully) reminded of a recent incident with a band I started subbing with over the past few months. Husband + wife were lead singers, and she suddenly felt unwell, and was given two days (!) to live. I only did one gig with her, lovely woman. 

 

Cheers, Mike.

[Key hairman]

Thank you.

 

[hookie]

My heart goes out to you, your band mates, and all the others in your community. What a tragic, sudden, devastating loss for all of you.  As you can see, this place is a great place to come for comfort, guidance, inspiration, encouragement not only about all things musical, but for life's circumstances, and all that it brings. As you can see, many have offered thoughts and suggestions that are helpful. May you grieve in whatever way and for however long, in your own unique way, and allow and understand others need to do the same. I am hopeful that in whatever time frame, you and your band mates will continue musically and allow yourselves to experience all the good memories to come from that.  Music, and for me, playing out especially, has been a loyal companion and comforter throughout many of life’s difficulties. Best wishes to you and don’t be afraid to come here often. I’m sure we’d all like to hear from you. 

[TommyRude]

Yes, I've had the experience, really really sucks.  But the answer was to keep going, and their memory and love lives on through music, and I hope the same for you.

[NewImprov]

I lost a band mates few years ago, he was a great percussionist, and was the main backing vocalist in our band, plus he was a very close friend, somebody I’d text nearly daily to exchange jokes, political venting, and restaurant recommendations. He died in a car accident driving home from a rehearsal. It was devastating. We had a gig booked in 3 weeks, and, after much soul-searching, we decided to go ahead and play it, because we all knew it was what he would have wanted. It was hard show to get through, but ultimately was a really joyous experience. He had a lot of friends in the music community, and they all came to the gig, it turned into a celebration of his life, lots of hugs, tears and laughter, he was one of the funniest guys I’ve ever known. In the end, we were all glad we went forward with the gig. As it turned out, it was our last show before the Covid shutdown in 2020. 

[Key hairman]

We have cancelled our upcoming gigs but I remain hopeful that this is not the end.

 

 

[Wrrtyuuiioop]

16 years ago today the 20th of July my Wife of over 25 years lost her 5 year battle with Cancer.

 

The 20th July every year since then has been especially hard for me.

 

Life moves on, time passes but the memories of the good times and the life we shared remain in my heart.

 

Be strong and always remember the good times that you had with your friend.

 

Stay safe

[Iconoclast]

I don't mean to trivialize your loss, but of course you carry on.

My time is coming and I can't stop it; and in truth we are ALL ticking time bombs, and I would hate to think that my passing might take something else important away from the people I love.