got any jokes?

[midispaceho]

Heres one! How can you tell if someone is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? They tend to sit up all night and wonder if there is a dog.

[lrossmusic]

:) :) :D Here's a couple I posted a while back that you may have missed. Both contain and are about our ceaseless facination with 'adult language'. :) [b]Subject: Right Age for Cussing[/b] A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. " WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year- old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios." [b]NEWLY WED COUPLE[/b] A newlywed couple had only been married for a few weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy-coo...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar pretty face, to have a beer." The wife says, "You want a beer, my love?" She opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries. The husband didn't know what to do. The only thing that he could to say was, "Yes, but at the bar...you know...they have...frozen mugs." He didn't get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She opened the freezer and handed him a frozen solid mug. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be to long...I'll be right back...I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochy poo?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works. "But sweetie, at the bar...you know...the guys are cussing and swearing..." The wife replies, "You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie? THEN LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER, IN THIS GODDAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE???"

[offramp]

A black guy, a Priest, a lawyer and a horse walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this? Some kinda joke?"

[Ultravibe]

Skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

[not Cereal]

a wewus walks into a bar. bartender says "GET OUTTA YOU PSYCOPATH BEFORE I SPENK YA!!!!!" so wewus pouts on the net instead

[Tedster]

(Warning, following joke may be unsuitable to those hypersensitive to ethnicity)... Two vampires are vacationing in Italy, and decide they must sample some of the local cuisine. A local couple is strolling nearby, and the vampires pounce upon them and suck them dry...dropping the corpses over a nearby bridge. They both agree that they were delicious, and decide to stick around for seconds. Another couple comes by and, same routine. Drop the bloodless cadavers over the bridge. Whereupon they hear munching and singing coming from the canal below. When they look over the railing, they see an alligator munching the remains and singing. Know what song? . . . . . . . . . . . . Ready? This is bad... . . . . . "Drained Wops keep falling on my head..." Sorry. I know that was bad.

[strat0124]

Whats the difference between a fiddle and a violin?????? A fiddle has STRANGS on it! :)

[Dylan]

[quote]Originally posted by Geenard Skeenard: [b]Whats the difference between a fiddle and a violin?????? A fiddle has STRANGS on it! :) [/b][/quote]The punchline I am aware of for the same joke is "nobody cares if you spill beer on a fiddle" :D .

[Meriphew_dup1]

A skeleton falls on an Ethiopian and the Ethiopian says " Get off of me you fat bastard".

[TheEvilAntiBralalalala]

[quote]Originally posted by Goldmember Coaster: [b]a wewus walks into a bar. bartender says "GET OUTTA YOU PSYCOPATH BEFORE I SPENK YA!!!!!" so wewus pouts on the net instead[/b][/quote]YEAH, BUDDY!!! . Would he really give up the spenking, though?

[Mr. Downchild]

In the year 2099, how many guitarists will it take to change the plutonium chipped voice activated lighting source? None. They will all sit around and moan about how much "warmer" and "lively" the old tube styles were. How can you tell there is a drummer at the door? The knock keeps getting faster. How can you tell when a singer is at your door? He can't find the key and he doesn't know when to come in. What's the definition of a minor 2nd? 2 fretless bass players playing in unison. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? The snake was on its way to a gig. Thank you very much, you guys have been a wonderful crowd, don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses. They're workin' hard tonight... ;)

[dougsthang]

a nurse walks into a Proctologist's office with a beer in her hand... The Doctor screams "I said get me a butt light!"

[whitefang]

Looks like I'm gonna have to get off-color. A little boy, about five, busts into the bathroom just as his Mother, who is pregnant, and days away from delivering, steps out of the shower. "Mommy! What's THAT?" he asks, pointing to her crotch. Not wanting to get into lengthy discussion with a five year old, she simply tells him, "Why, that's Mommy's washcloth!" The boy seemed content with that reply, shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Three weeks later, after the baby is born, the boy again walks into the bath as his Mother steps out of the shower. "Mommy!", cried the boy, "Your washcloth is gone!" "Yes, well", Mom spluttered, not wanting a long talk again, "I, uh, I LOST it!" "I know where it is." said the boy. "Oh, yeah?", said Mom. "Where?" The boy said, "The lady next door is washing Daddy's FACE with it!" Whitefang

[Lee Flier]

What's the last chord a piano plays as it falls down a coal shaft? A flat minor.

[Tedster]

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk? Drunks don't have to go to all those damn meetings.

[linwood]

What's a 6/9 chord? When the root of the bass is in the mouth of the soprano.

[linwood]

What's a 6/9 chord? When the root of the bass is in the mouth of the soprano.

[Skip_dup1]

the midterm election results

[GZsound]

Since it's her boyfriends birthday and he's a big boxing fan, the girlfriend decides to get a tattoo of Ali on the inside of her right thigh and George Forman on the inside of her left thigh. The boyfriend comes home from work and she tells him she has a surprise for him in the bedroom. She proceeds to take off all her clothes and lay down on the bed. She spreads her legs and says "well, what do you think?" He looks at her and says "well the one on the right is Ali and the one on the left is George Forman but the one in the middle has to be Don King.." The guy calls his sweetheart and asks her to come right over. She gets to the door and he invites her in and says "now honey, you know I love you, right?" She says yes. He says "I need you to do me a big favor, come into the kitchen". She walks into the kitchen and sees this great big dog in the corner. He asks her to take off all her clothes and get down on the kitchen floor on her hands and knees. She's a little concerned at this point but does as he wishes. He walks over to the dog, leans down to ear level, points to his girlfriend and says "see, that's what you're going to look like if you don't eat your Alpo".

[eh steve]

what do you call 250 indian women that have no nipples on their tits... . . . . . . the indian nippless 500.

[Salty Tonk]

Long Joke here stay with me........Ayoung couple get engaged,it's time for the boy to go meet the in-laws for the first time.But he doesn't have any wheels.He takes $500 to a car lot.He tells the salesman his situation .The salesman tells the boy the only thing on the lot for $500 is a motorcycle that was taken on a trade in.The kid takes it for a test ride ,upon his return he tells the man that he liked it except for a crack in the speedometer lens.The salesman says"I'll tell ya what ,I'll oreder you one but in the time being you take this jar of vasoline and if it rains,just smear some vasoline along the crack nad it'll keep the water out."The kid buys the bike and picks up his girlfriend.On the way to the folks house,the girl tells the boy of a funny rule the family has.The first one to talk at the dinner table has to do the dishes.They arrive at the folks house and sit down to dinner,it is deathly silent the guy is wanting to break the ice but at the smae time he sees a years worth of dirty dishes stacked around the room.Finally he cant take it anymore,he grabs his girl and throws her on the table and bangs her right in front of the dad.The dad's face is blood red,steam comin out of his ears but says nothing.The thinks "Damn, that should have worked" so he grabs the mom and does the same thing.Dad is shaking,boiling,red but still says nothing.About that time lightning strikes and thunder rolls,the kid jumps up pulls the vasoline out of his pocket.The old man jumps up and says"FUCK IT I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!!" :D

[not Cereal]

i dont get it

[Salty Tonk]

Dad thinks he's next...... :D

[Mark V]

Knock knock A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Fuck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite,because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Philip OKeefe]

Q. How many producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. "I don't know - what do YOU think?" A #2. Producers don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

[Soundcrafter]

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. What do you call a woman on a trombonists arm? A tatoo.

[The T Dot]

Q) How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A) One... Five... One... Five...

[LawrenceF]

A dairy farmers cows aren't giving much milk so he goes to the vet for help. The vet tells him that in order to give milk the cows must be happy. To be happy they must have more sex. The farmer, being not too bright, started having sex with the cows. He'd wake up every morning at 5 am and load the cows into his pickup, take them out and have sex with each of them. He did this for about two weeks. One day he was tired so he slept late. His wife woke him up about 6 am that day and said "Honey, you'd better come see this..." He got up, walked to the window, and saw 6 cows in the back of his pickup and one in the front seat tooting the horn! Lawrence

[whitefang]

Here's two. The second one a bit politically incorrect. Bear with it, poelo; it's just a joke... 1. A little boy comes up to his Mother and says, "Mom, next time I get a haircut, I want Aunt Susie to cut it!" Mom looks at him in surprise and says, "You mean my sister? Your Aunt Susie?" "Yeah," said the boy. "I want HER to cut my hair!" Sweetie" claimed Mom, "My sister doesn't know anything about cutting hair!" "Sure she does!" the boy claimed. "I just heard Dad tell a neighbor about the TRIM she gave him last night!" Another little boy just came home from spending the weekend at his Grandparent's house, and his Dad was asking him how he liked it. Boy: "It was great! 'Specially the haunted house!" Dad: "What haunted house?" Boy: "The house two doors down from Grampa. That house is haunted!" Dad: "Can't be. Haunted houses are big, old abandoned mansions at the end of town with shutters falling off, and bats flying all around. Your Grandparents live in a modern subdivision with brand new ranch houses. That house CAN'T be haunted!" Boy: "Is TOO! Grampa said there's SPOOKS living there!" Whitefang

[fig]

What does the average drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.