Uncomfortable (and Hilarious) Gig Moments

[HammondDave]

Believe it or not, a highly intoxicated blonde woman yelled this at my band Saturday night at the end of our gig!.
 

 

[Stokely]

I'm normally in the back with drums on a typical stage.  Years ago when we really started ramping up gigging in my band, we played a really wide and shallow stage, we were five across.

This one woman apparently really liked our bass player, who was out on the floor with his remote bass rig checking the mix, and suddenly all I see is boobies being aggressively thrust out loud and proud for his inspection.    I'm like "so this is what its like up front!"

 

[AnalogGuy1]

I was in an older band called "the Coprolite Band" after fossilized dinosaur dung.  We were once introduced as "The Corpulent Band". 

[SamuelBLupowitz]

25 minutes ago, AnalogGuy1 said:

I was in an older band called "the Coprolite Band" after fossilized dinosaur dung.  We were once introduced as "The Corpulent Band". 

Once in high school I played a local fundraiser event in a thrown-together band that we called "Harry Heretic and the Excommunicators" (I emphasize, we were in high school, so we thought we were hilarious).

 

Our name even made it onto the event t-shirt... as "Harry Heredic," which kind of threw cold water on the irreverence of the band name. That was about on par with the "extension cords over the wet uncovered grass (but you're under a tent!)" vibe of the event.

 

Also in high school, I once got heckled at the Monday night piano bar I played for a summer. A very intoxicated woman yelled through an entire song "PLAY SOMETHING WE KNOW!" (I was playing "Brick" by Ben Folds Five at the time, which had been getting regular radio play for the past decade...). Now I'd be more wary about a hotel bar on a Monday night, but I was 17 and green.

[MathOfInsects]

Yeah, the tipped-in-boobs gigs are great. 

 

Once we played a tourist bar downtown, and after the night was over, some guy was trying to impress his date and peeled off a $100 and said, "Play Piano Man." No one in the band knew it except me, and the night was officially over, but the bartender saw dollar signs for everyone and let us play one more song. Singer read the lyrics from her phone, the rest of the band followed, we got through it.

 

Another $100. "Play it again." Bartender approved, we played it again.

 

Another $100. "Play it again."

 

This happened a total of FOURTEEN TIMES! I am not making this up. Mostly Piano Man, one or two Sweet Carolines, and one Brown-Eyed Girl. This was a funk-soul band, so safe to say none of these were in our regular rotation. We made $1400 in tips from that guy that night. But that's not the end of it! The next night we were at another downtown bar and a Collective Noun of Bros was perving on the same singer, so they each made a big show of dropping a hundred in the tip jar before they left. $400 in tips from them alone that next night. Between the two nights, we made more than $1800 in tips! That was a first and only. 

 

[Jose EB5AGV]

I don't know if a sudden fail of my keyboard amplifier (which was used also as my monitor) and the just-in-the-middle of a song trip to get my backup monitor qualifies. But the surprised face of the other band members as I passed close to them, in a very fast fashion, right through the "backstage" (really on the opposite side I was), which included a bathroom (and guess what they thought! 🤣) was kind of surreal and, looked with some time distance, also hilarious. Not at all for me in the moment! (it was just my 4th gig and lots of friends and family members were present 😅)

[ProfD]

Nor really uncomfortable or hilarious but I did a bunch of gigs where unpaid women would get on stage and strip and dance. 

 

The band members at the front of the stage kinda served as bouncers to the extent they wouldn't allow dudes in the audience to touch or violate the women. 

 

Those were the gigs where being a KB player in the back was the best seat in the house. Unobstructed view access to the free show within a show.😎

[CHarrell]

A few that immediately come to mind:

 

1. Playing a pet-walking event 10 years ago. We were more of a free-improv band based on some really solid tunes as our guide, so the fact we were asked to play there at all was hilarious to me. Then during the event, the emcee/event host decided he wanted music to accompany his speaking turns in between the pet events, so then took it upon himself to spontaneously conduct and verbally orchestrate fanfares from us for pizzazz. Then our performance was hijacked by petitioners looking for signatures. As Jean-Luc Picard once said: "Sometimes, you just have to bow to the absurd."

 

2. Had an outdoor gig with a big band...completely missed by a forecast, in a place where storms are extremely rare, the wind started picking up and a massive storm started blowing in during our set. Some (smart) members immediately started packing up to protect their instruments etc, but some of us decided to stay on the sinking ship as long as we could...sheets were flying all over the place, thunder began punctuating the notes, yet some of us defiantly played on until the last of the brave audience members decided to leave and we realized that maybe it'd be better to leave and fight another day.

 

3. In a weird turn of events, I asked a girl on a first date that ended up being a show. I didn't think it'd be a good idea since I'd be on stage most of the time, but she wanted to support. We met up at the venue shortly before setup, and I immediately could tell our vibes were very different. I'm pretty mild-mannered most of the time, but she was another level of reserved. We had some polite conversation and then I excused myself to get rigged up for the first set. As we were playing, I started to notice a strange commotion way at the back of the venue: my date was with some other girl, and I couldn't hear anything of course, but it looked like there was some kind of disturbance. This other girl was clearly getting into the music, dancing and cheering, and nudging my date. Judging from the silhouetted body language in the distance, she was not responding well. 

 

The first set finished, and I went to grab a drink with my date, to find this new girl and her talking. After I joined, I found myself and the new girl talking way more to each other: I tried reeling my date into the convo, but she'd just share some trivia about some of the VHS tapes lining the bar wall and get quiet. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, and that's when the new girl filled me in: she saw my date sitting alone at the bar, and wanted to strike up a friendship so she'd be less lonely. At some point, she discovered we were on a date, so then tried to hype things up by shouting things like "He's your boy!" during the set...my date kept replying "No he's not!" The girl also started dancing more to try and get my date to loosen up, but she retreated more and more into the corner.

 

As this girl was explaining to me, we both had the thought: wait, it's been a while, is my date still in the bathroom? I checked, and no she wasn't. I texted her asking if she was okay, and a little while later she responded, saying she went home because the weed smell in the place was making her dizzy (there was no weed smell). The girl and I ended up chatting the rest of the night (my bandmates observed all of this and packed up my gear for me after our last set), and had a brief date a few days later. I never heard from my date after that one message about the weed.

 

My date: poor girl was so socially introverted, this night must've been Armageddon and proof of every misgiving she ever had about social outings. Meanwhile, I felt like I was in the worst sitcom ever, sitting between these two polar opposite girls at a bar between sets and trying to make everything smooth as possible!

 

  

[CHarrell]

9 minutes ago, ProfD said:

The band members at the front of the stage kinda served as bouncers to the extent they wouldn't allow dudes in the audience to touch or violate the women. 

 

Like island natives protecting aquatic species like sea turtles on the beach from outsiders. 😂

[MathOfInsects]

47 minutes ago, ProfD said:

Nor really uncomfortable or hilarious but I did a bunch of gigs where unpaid women would get on stage and strip and dance. 

 

The band members at the front of the stage kinda served as bouncers to the extent they wouldn't allow dudes in the audience to touch or violate the women. 

 

Those were the gigs where being a KB player in the back was the best seat in the house. Unobstructed view access to the free show within a show.😎

Ah, that reminds me. I played a New Years Eve gig where they hired *ahem* "dancers" to decorate the stage. One was set up directly in front of me. I could see all the way to the New Year. 

[wineandkeyz]

Years ago, I was doing a show with a four-piece horn band when a group of girls from a local strip club (don't ask me how I know who they were) stopped by and pretty much took over the dance floor. They didn't strip, of course, but their outfits and dance moves surely grabbed the attention of everyone there -- including us.

 

After a while, one of the girls worked her way onstage and into our horn line, dancing between Horn Player #1 and Horn Player #2 (we'll call them HP1 and HP2 for short). HP1 reached behind her, pinched HP2 on the ass, then went back to blowing his horn. HP2 turned crimson and, thinking that SHE had done it, decided to reciprocate and pinched HER on the ass. She, unaware of what was actually going on, slapped the living piss out of HP2 and stormed off. It was hilarious, but after she'd told her friends what happened, we lost our floor show.

[marino]

CHarrell - that was an interesting story. However, to me the most remarkable bit was...

 

7 hours ago, CHarrell said:

my bandmates observed all of this and packed up my gear for me after our last set

 

I believe that never happened to me in 40+ years! 

[Docbop]

Being that I was a roadie for awhile for name acts and popular locals a lot women gone wild type stories.    One favorite was that Yes tour I crewed on (actually a few stories from that one, but I'll just tell the one that only involved the road crew.    So we're playing an outdoor concert in what we were told was an no longer used baseball park.    We get the call the trucks are arriving so time to get to the venue.   Were all pulling into the park and this beautiful young woman totally naked comes up to greet us and says... I like roadies!".     Well the trucks pull in  the crew starts getting out and for next couple hours she showed us she wasn't kidding and doing anything anyone wanted or posing for any pictures and so on.   So  we're setting up and definately off schedule.    It get to be about time for the sound check and Yes' managers start showing up and they get the bad news we're going to be about an hour late finishing setting up.   Needless to say they weren't happy and asked what happened and no one was saying anything just saying things happened and were finishing as fast as we can.   So it's just before the show is going to start the managers see the young woman walking around backstage in only a pair of overalls and her overalls are completely covered in backstage passes.   The one manager see her and says I think I know what slowed down the setup today and just started laughing.    

[John Tweed]

Just this weekend gone by I was about to play the intro for the next tune, but when I tapped ForScore on the iPad to bring up the chart, it was nowhere to be found. Bravely I tried to recall it, but didn’t quite nail it. The song - “She’s Not There”!

[J.F.N.]

Back in my heydays for some years I was playing with a locally well known country singer (mix of original material and covers). We played in a pub/club where line dancers used to gather, so a lot of tipsy middle age women in the audience.

 

A low not so deep stage at the bottom of the room next to the end of a long bar, and I was sitting at the side like on a corner where the stage could be accessed from both sides. In the middle of a song this woman (who I think knew the singer) went towards me and started flirting heavily, doing "sexy" moves etc. I smiled at her and kept playing, then she walks around the corner of the stage, so she's now behind me, and all of a sudden I feel her hand on my waiste, and the second after, she is kissing and licking my ear, whispering dirty talk...

 

We were still in a song, so I probably (don't remember) tried to shake her off me like a dog shakes insects off its head, and I remember she didn't stop immediately, no memory of any details for the rest though, this was in the mid 90's, long time ago, but I do remember her very upfront invites after the set, to no avail, I was disgusted...

 

 

 

 

[CEB]

I have no idea where to start ….

 

But the stories are all ancient history. 

[HammondDave]

The craziest thing I ever saw on stage happened two feet downstage of my keyboard rig. I started playing strip clubs in Ft. Lauderdale in 1970 when I was 15 years old. One of the dancers (Olga), had a number of acts where she usually ended her performance by unintentionally hurting herself on stage. One instance involved a nipple and a torch… we were playing “Stormy Monday” behind her… but I digress…

 

One night she decided to up the theatricality of her act and was dancing with a live prop, an eight foot boa constrictor. In the middle of the number she accidentally suffocated the snake (I will not go into details, but lets just say that it was exceptionally lurid). When she lifted the limp body of the snake, she broke into tears and ran off the stage. 

 

As Dave Barry says, “I am not making this up.”

[Adan]

I've got some wild stories, maybe not by Motley Crue standards, but in my life they stand out. There was the bar gig where an attractive young woman came up on stage and made out with me while I was playing. That was a standing-up (not seated) gig, and I was able to keep playing with one hand while my other hand was wrapped around her. I was hella impressed by my own multi-tasking. I was also thinking it was going to be a happy ending for me, but when I approached her after the gig she acted like it have never happened. Totally performative on her part.

[RABid]

I've told this one before, but it is a good one. ... ... ... 1980's. We were playing the Moose Lodge in a rural dry county. Pretty much BYOB with bootlegging. It was a really big building. Big dance hall area, pool room for bootlegging, dining area, concession, bathrooms, etc... The dance hall was in the main back of the building. Anyway, the band had learned a new song, Jail Break by Thin Lizzy. We played it during the third set and I told the band "let me do an intro". I had enough synths on stage to fake three police sirens fading in from the distance. When the sirens got really loud the band came in. It was a great intro. During the song I noticed a large group of people standing at the entrance to the dance hall and the crowd kept getting bigger. I thought, wow, they must really like the song. Well, that was not exactly it. The guitarist's girlfriend was at the concession when I started the intro and witnessed people running out of the bathrooms, pulling up their pants and heading for their cars to get away before the police arrived. The pool room/bootleg area also emptied out. Once they got to the parking lot they realized that the sirens were coming from inside of the building. The crowd I saw gathering at the dance hall entrance were the people who had run out in panic, then came back inside to see the source of the sirens. I was politely asked by management not to do that again. 🤣

[Old No7]

I have a few from the 80's, but no way I can compete with those.

 

And I'll resist any further comments about limp snakes and boobies...

 

Old No7

[cphollis]

Playing a small bar on a hard-drinking Sunday afternoon.  Middle age gal decides to give middle age guy a full-on lap dance in front of the band.  She drags a chair in front of us, sits her guy down, and gets busy.

 

It's horrifying, but we can't look anywhere else.  The drummer gets hypnotized by her rhythm: faster, slower, etc. and the rest of us have to follow along.  For a while, it's almost like crazy theme music for a bad movie scene. 

 

Fortunately, the owner broke things up before it turned X rated, 'cause that's where it was going.  It took a song or two before we fully recovered.

[HammondDave]

3 hours ago, cphollis said:

Playing a small bar on a hard-drinking Sunday afternoon.  Middle age gal decides to give middle age guy a full-on lap dance in front of the band.  She drags a chair in front of us, sits her guy down, and gets busy.

 

It's horrifying, but we can't look anywhere else.  The drummer gets hypnotized by her rhythm: faster, slower, etc. and the rest of us have to follow along.  For a while, it's almost like crazy theme music for a bad movie scene. 

 

Fortunately, the owner broke things up before it turned X rated, 'cause that's where it was going.  It took a song or two before we fully recovered.

That’s when you need to pull out the song list and play “Aqualung”. This song is guaranteed to instantly deflate any sexual action in the bar. (Our secret weapon).