anybody here found a mate on the internet?

[Lee Flier]

LOL! Oh man, that's rich.

 

Oh well, I won't be visiting e-Harmony then... anyplace that would screen out Chip ain't gonna be my kind of place.

[Tedster]

Hopefully you didn't have to pay for that, Chipmeister.

[Lee Flier]

HMM... Maybe I'll just write eHarmony and ask them for a list of all the guys they rejected.

[LiveMusic]

Originally posted by Chip McDonald:

Ha, just did EHarmony, with the following amazingly surprising results:

 

Unable To Match You At This Time

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive testing of married individuals. One of the requirements for it to work successfully is for participants to fall into our rigorously defined profiles. If we aren't able to match a user well using these profiles, the most considerate approach is to inform them early in the process.

 

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish and enjoy happy, lasting relationships that we choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

 

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching system is not suitable for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply would not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand that we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

 

I guess that pretty much sums up my place in life.

Godomighty, that's hilarious. They'd undoubtedly boot me out too.

[KenElevenShadows]

Originally posted by Ani:

Cynicism is definitely a word that applies to a woman that has been married twice. Maybe it's one of those "Standards too high" bits; but I'm real damn choosey about whom I will give my time to.

Cynicism has nothing to do with choosiness. Many are very particular about their life partners or friends, for that matter.

 

But they're not cynical.

 

There's a huge distinction there.

 

Be wary, be intelligent, absolutely. But don't confuse these approaches with bitterness or cynicism. For some, they're easy to confuse.

 

And related to this point, I feel it's very important not to generalize one's experiences with a couple of people to the population at large. And if you keep running into the "same kind of problem", perhaps it's better to ask, "What is it about me that continues to attract the same kind of person or problem?" and look for patterns to change that.

[aeon]

All very well-said, Ken. Sage advice indeed.

 

 

cheers,

aeon

[KenElevenShadows]

Thanks! I'm actually responding just as much to your "sexy girls have dessert - so eat the flan". Look, I realize it's a non-sequitur, but it reminds me of another saying: "Life is uncertain - eat dessert first."

[Bill Heins]

My girlfriend and I met over the net at a graphics discussion board. Three years ago she moved here and we are still going strong

 

Darkon the Incandescent

[aeon]

Ken:

 

That line ties together a current-day marketing phrase that makes reference to the classical feminine beauty ideal as it existed before the 20th century, and a reference to a line in the movie Real Women Have Curves, which addresses the same issue and the differing value placed upon it by two generations in modern culture.

 

 

cheers,

aeon

[KenElevenShadows]

That's a really cool reference!

[Anifa]

Ha, just did EHarmony, with the following amazingly surprising results:

 

Hey Chip,

 

Don't feel bad, my profile match came up empty handed on the site I signed up on too! Here's what mine said:

 

Sorry, no ads were found that matched your criteria.

 

I'm offended.... or offensive, one of the two

[Anifa]

Hey Ani...reading that makes me want to ask you again, since you never answered when I asked you the first time.

 

Ever check out eHarmony?

Aeon,

 

A part of my reluctance in pursuing an internet romance may have something to do with the fact that I'm not "LOOKING" to meet someone period. My life is a bit too complicated to have to worry about major screening of dude's I haven't got a clue about. Although there are probably good men to be found on the internet, there are those that strictly view the internet as a field day play ground for meeting new faces; the same exists in real life where you can actually look in someone's eyes to get a feel for their sincerity. I'm "Old School" and would probably be more suited to a small town atmosphere where folks know everyone and look out for one another.

 

In meeting strangers, there is nobody there to tell you the scoop on whether or not the guy has a reputation a mile long or if he's a convict or if he is prudish or if he is a psychopath... or if......

 

I've taken a few chances in connecting with a complete stranger. I met my ex husband at a convenience store on a late night after getting off work. He worked crazy hours just like I did, which put us on common grounds, and he struck up a conversation that lasted two hours because neither of us had anything else to do at that hour of night; about 2:00 am. He asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him with intentions of setting him up with a friend of mine who was more his age; I was 7 years his senior. He wasn't a "bad guy", just a vendictive SOB when our marriage broke up; he blames me for the dissolve.

 

I blame ME for not following my initial instincts in wanting to set him up with a friend more his age; I should have known better than to date a man that had not yet earned his independence. He was living with his grandmother at the time we met; suggesting that he was living there while paying her rent to help her out. He was completely irresponsible with money and in all aspects of life because he had never really been out on his own; I had been living independently for 8 years and owned my own home with only 7 years left on the note. In review of how it all came about; I attribute letting my guards down to berievement of my mother's death. I married on the rebound of a major loss in my life.

 

I was miserable with him.

[KenElevenShadows]

Originally posted by Ani:

Hey Ani...reading that makes me want to ask you again, since you never answered when I asked you the first time.

 

Ever check out eHarmony?

Aeon,

 

A part of my reluctance in pursuing an internet romance may have something to do with the fact that I'm not "LOOKING" to meet someone period.

I guess we can take that as a "no" then?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmmmmmm????

 

Originally posted by Ani:

Cynicism is definitely a word that applies to a woman that has been married twice. Maybe it's one of those "Standards too high" bits; but I'm real damn choosey about whom I will give my time to.

Cynicism has nothing to do with choosiness.

 

Many are very particular about their life partners or friends, for that matter.

 

But they're not cynical.

 

There's a huge distinction there.

 

Be wary, be intelligent, absolutely. But don't confuse these approaches with bitterness or cynicism. For some, they're easy to confuse.

 

And related to this point, I feel it's very important not to generalize one's experiences with a couple of people to the population at large. And if you keep running into the "same kind of problem", perhaps it's better to ask, "What is it about me that continues to attract the same kind of person or problem?" and look for patterns to change that.

[Anifa]

And if you keep running into the "same kind of problem", perhaps it's better to ask, "What is it about me that continues to attract the same kind of person or problem?" and look for patterns to change that.

I had written out a reply but I lost it somehow. Now for answering your question the second time asked. I provided a portion of my self evaluation in mistakingly marrying my second husband; rebound from a great loss in my life. People have been known to go into Post Traumatic Stress after the death of a loved one; I believe that I endured an undetected case that was not relevant to anyone but myself after years of having to recover from the damage done at the time. When everything in life seems to be going wrong, you have to step back and find the point where you had last felt happiness; if you don't you'll go insane.

 

The last "MAN" that had truly brought happiness into my life was a man that I should have gone with against my mother's will many, many years ago. He was/is an accomplished writer, and a medical professional/business owner. He wanted me to move to Jersey with him, but with me being freshly out of my first divorce and him being a full time student at Princeton, neither of us were ready for marriage.... With her strict virtues, my mother gave me an ultimatum ... living in sin with him or being her daughter.

 

After my mother had achieved her goal in keeping me close to home, she would chastise me for being too selective about who I was willing to date. I wasn't interested in guys from around here because I was still in love with and communicating with David across the miles, although we never got to see each other we talked by phone and mail. I had found a balance in life and I was not in any big hurry trying to find a replacement. It had been two years since I had parted with David, and just prior to mom's death, David had arranged a trip for me to join him at Myrtle Beach and I had told him I'd go... only to find out that when I put in for annual leave at the Post Office; it was denied for services needed. I should've just taken the leave anyway, but didn't. After almost two years of trying to connect David finally gave up and found someone new. With me working nights and weekends it was impossible for me to fly up over a weekend; and instead of getting holidays off... I got drafted to work straight through.

 

Mrtyle Beach was the last straw... I learned in November that David had found someone new because I was never available to him; my mother died in February of the following year.

 

I went into a long downward spiral with my life... where my mother had been very controlling in a positive and constructive sort of way (even if I didn't agree with her virtues overpowering my lovelife... she was looking out for me); upon losing her, I allowed the negative and destructive control to enter into my life and tear me down.

 

After lots and lots of deep soul searching, I've found peace again in my life and I know all too well that happiness is not in finding a companion to preoccupy your time for the sake of having someone in your life. You can be "happily" married, by everyone elses definition and yet still be lonely as hell when the chemistry is not there. Happiness is not in finding a great sex partner to keep the sheets wrinkled with. Happiness isn't having someone there to help pay the bills. There are a lot of things that happiness is NOT, but the one thing that happiness is ... is being comfortable with who you are and knowing what it is that you want in a companion.

 

I'm not a "NEEDY" person, so I can go ages and ages without a relationship. I made some bad choices during a very vulnerable time in my life, but that weakness has been recognized. The Post Office limits my dating options, and if ANYTHING in my life needs to be changed, a change of career would certainly bring about MANY changes in my life as far as a relationship would be involved. I've been putting in applications to obtain better hours; but.... who knows?

 

Some people don't understand when a person says that they are happy being alone; I am content with my life and my children. I'm not going to screw what I have going by making a whole new slew of bad choices. I'm NOT seeking.... but if the right guy happens to come along and reveal himself; I won't run away either.

[StoneinaPond]

Originally posted by Ani:

Some people don't understand when a person says that they are happy being alone; I am content with my life and my children. I'm not going to screw what I have going by making a whole new slew of bad choices. I'm NOT seeking.... but if the right guy happens to come along and reveal himself; I won't run away either.

Yeah, but you live all the way over in Missouri.

[KenElevenShadows]

Originally posted by Ani:

Some people don't understand when a person says that they are happy being alone; I am content with my life and my children.

Actually, THAT I understand.

 

It's confusing choosiness with cynicism that I don't understand. There's a huge distinction between the two. For many, cynicism masquerades as "experience" or "wisdom".

 

In reading your reactions about dating men, meeting men on the internet, and relationships, I really get a sense of cynicism, perhaps even mistrust and anger, from you in your general viewpoint of relationships.

 

And I'm guessing that this came as a result of being hurt quite a bit. Your posts frequently talk about previous relationships as if you have survived a war.

 

As you wrote, "Cynicism is definitely a word that applies to a woman that has been married twice." But no, I'd have to strongly disagree. I know people who have been married more often than that, who have been married to some real jerks, but enter their new relationships wary, but not cynical or bitter. They realize that they have been hurt by individual people and that there are lots of good people for them out there, recognize their previous patterns and altered them, and enter new relationships open-hearted. And this isn't what I sense from you when you say phrases like the above or say: "Too bad that many of the good men in the real world have already been scooped up or they are far to far away to pursue an interest."

 

I'd urge you to really think about this, that's all.

 

I realize that we've pummeled this topic into the ground, so I won't go on much more, but perhaps this and the previous posts might leave you with some food for thought and actually be helpful.

[mikegrijak]

Originally posted by winston smith:

Originally posted by Ani:

She's not the trashy, raunchy, put it all out front, promiscuous type; but rather reserved, lady-like, and direct in stating how she would like to be treated.

 

little Miss Innocent, as she comes across, is about as evil as they come when it comes to men.

 

then she'll put out to the bad boys that are worthless piece's of garbage because they are a good romp in the sack

 

She's a good friend on the job, but her private lifestyle abhors me.

 

That's pretty funny, and pretty typical of how some women think. It's not your friend's "lifestyle" that is abhorent - your friend herself is simply a piece of crap. It's her type that is what is wrong with the world.

OK, I used to work with a woman just like this and it turns out that she has a serious mental disorder called Histrionic Personality Disorder so Ani's work friend might have a mental problem as well.

 

My former co-worker also had all manner of guys calling up looking for her and she was always talking about all the guys she was hanging out with and saying they were all "in love" with her and want to "be with her" so it raised a big red flag for all of us that had to work with her because she was ALWAYS flirting with all the guys at work and wanting to hang out with them ect. Bad News Ani, Bad news!

[Anifa]

And this isn't what I sense from you when you say phrases like the above or say: "Too bad that many of the good men in the real world have already been scooped up or they are far to far away to pursue an interest."

Ken,

 

Actually, I said that as sort of tongue in cheek while referencing some of the men on these forums that I think have personalities that would be congenial to mine. I was being a flirt, but apparently it didn't come across that way. The comment was made in combination with listing a few men that I think are sweethearts, and was isolated to one single paragraph. I don't actually feel that way about ALL men; not at all.

 

Anyway, how many Mats Olsson's, Dan South's, Dak's, 20to20's, and Craig Anderton's are out there hanging on date.com sites? Too bad that many of the good men in the real world have already been scooped up or they are far to far away to pursue an interest.

Bob Phillips and Craig Anderton are probably two of the most dedicated and two of the best family men that I know of; their wives and family are very fortunate. Mats... sigh . Now Dak, intelligent, handsome, direct, business oriented, humorous, witty, and just plain ole southern comfort driven... if he wasn't married; he'd be a keeper too.

 

I don't think that the world is without good men, any more than I think that all women are angels.

 

I sometimes get down on men out of frustration, but not all of them.

 

Right now there is one getting on my nerves that is remodeling my bathroom. Yesterday I told him that I needed him to come out of the bathroom for a few minutes while I used it; he asked me if he could watch. I told him no and then later I was standing in the bathroom looking at the finished tub and shower kit installation and he told me that he needed to go to the restroom. As I started to exit, he blocked the doorway and asked me if "I" wanted to watch. Again I said "NO". In a way he's kind of cute, but I'm not interested in mixing business with pleasure, and contractors are too "iffy". He does quality workmanship though; very professional installation. He asked me yesterday as he was leaving if I would consider having lunch with him today; he'll be back later to collect the rest of his tools that he left. I doubt very seriously that I'll go to lunch with him...

[Anifa]

My former co-worker also had all manner of guys calling up looking for her and she was always talking about all the guys she was hanging out with and saying they were all "in love" with her and want to "be with her" so it raised a big red flag for all of us that had to work with her because she was ALWAYS flirting with all the guys at work and wanting to hang out with them ect. Bad News Ani, Bad news!

Sounds like this girl; when she's not sporting men on the internet, there are men on the job that she's keeping time with. Many of them are married and she has discreet affairs with them.

[StoneinaPond]

Originally posted by Ani:

....there are men on the job that she's keeping time with. Many of them are married and she has discreet affairs with them.

Doesn't say too much about the men.

 

As they say, it takes two to tango.

[Anifa]

The men that she "does" on the job are whoredogs. They will go from woman to woman trying to "pick-up" fresh meat. Sorry to be crude, but the Post Office is one of the most alienating and disgusting places that I have ever worked. The only reason I stay is for the wage and benefits.

[Rim]

Originally posted by Soundcrafter:

I posted it on another thread, but self-confidence is more prevalent here and maybe others besides Bluestrat can benefit from reading it(myself included). It's a very neat look at self-esteem:

 

Overcoming Self-Esteem and Psychotherapy

I didn't like that article at all. It started out OK but then, to me, it starts talking more about being obsessed about your self-esteem. Being obsessed over just about anything is not good in my book. Balance is key.

 

To me, self-esteem, is the ability to look at yourself in a balanced, more objective way: you know what your strengths are and you recognize your weaknesses. A lack of self-esteem to me usually means you're good at recognizing your faults but not so good in recognizing your good qualities.

 

My advice (to no one specifically) to building up self-esteem is to look at one's strengths at least as much as looking at one's weaknesses. And you should know what those are. If you don't know, ask close family members and friends.

 

Of course, the opposite is also bad - only looking at your strengths. I feel if you do that, then you may become delusional and end up auditioning for American Idol when you can't carry a tune.

[Chip McDonald]

Originally posted by mikegrijak:

[she has a serious mental disorder called Histrionic Personality Disorder so Ani's work friend might have a mental problem as well.

It's not a mental "problem", and I'm sure she doesn't look at it that way: she's a manipulative, evil person with no morals. It's only a problem if it interferes with what she wants to do in life, and I'm sure she's doing exactly what (and who) she wants to.

 

I knew/know a gorgeous girl who almost lived on letting guys do things for her, under the moral premise that "they're just doing it because they want sex, so it's only fair that I try to take advange of them". Completely ignoring the concept that no one is forcing her to have sex with them, or even have anything to do with them at all - or, that any of them could possibly have intention *beyond* just sex - and that she'll never know because she's used that as a reason to morally abuse people.

 

From what I hear she's messed up a friend's marriage for really banal reasons, taking advantage of a situation simply because she could. On top of that I think she's fallen out of a fairly long relationship with this guy I know who, by all appearances should be a good match for her, but she's thrown it away.

 

The value of other people's emotions has become minimized today. Maybe because of repeated exposure to extravangantly immoral situations in the media, maybe for physiological reasons, socio-cultural reasons, I dunno... but it's really, really depressing.

[Chip McDonald]

Originally posted by Ani:

he asked me if he could watch.

 

As I started to exit, he blocked the doorway and asked me if "I" wanted to watch.

 

I doubt very seriously that I'll go to lunch with him...

You "doubt" you'll go to lunch with him? Maybe I'm missing something, but why didn't you kick him in the balls when he ask you if he could "watch" the first time, and why did you keep him on the job?

[Anifa]

You "doubt" you'll go to lunch with him? Maybe I'm missing something, but why didn't you kick him in the balls when he ask you if he could "watch" the first time, and why did you keep him on the job?

That's just my "nice" way of saying "hell no". The reason I kept him on the job is the fact that the job was in it's final stages and the man does very professional work; unlike that of the last contractors that I had out here. On the other job, the main contractor was a super nice human being and he, himself, did quality workmanship. But the job was such a large remodel job that he began subcontracting certain things out; especially after a major hail storm that demanded "HIS" specialty in the field of his expertise.

 

The subcontractors wrote separate contracts for individual jobs, and going solely upon the main contractors reference, I hired them. I got burned REALLY bad with shoddy work that I'm still having to remedy. The subs were fly-by-night and I have no recourse in having signed separate contracts apart from that of the original contractor. When I showed the main guy the workmanship of his sub, he said that he would not refer work to him anymore; but didn't remedy the poor work himself. The other guys disappeared without a trace.

 

I'm on limited funds, as I've spent SO MUCH on home improvements this last year, and it would be foolish to end a job while only a day away from completion and then try to withold payment so that I could hire someone else to come in and finalize the job. It would end up in a lot of red tape and potentially become a legal issue.

 

I guess 20 years at the Post Office has made me a bit calloused when it comes to sexual harassment; it runs rampant on the job. I've had to file three sexual harassment charges throughout my postal career, but there have been hundreds of advances that would have qualified that I didn't file on. You have to learn to know when a things are said in a joking and flattering way; and when a man appears to be a threat. Some men are just more obnoxious than others... but men will be the men that they are when they find an attraction to a woman.

 

I'm not a Priss that screams sexual harassment every time I'm approached. I evaluate the personality of the individual and determine whether or not their comment posed a threat of attack; most don't. Contractors are just a different breed of men than intellectuals, but they are still red blooded men that will make a play for a woman's affection. I'm very experienced at telling men that "I'm not interested" .... as I did yesterday when he extended the offer for lunch.

 

If men never attempted to come on to me, in whatever style their personality presents, I would begin to think that I was undesirable. I take pride in trying to look as good as I can as often as I can, and a compliment (even if it's from a rude, and crude contractor) allows me to know that I've still got what it takes to turn a man's head my way... When you're 45; compliments help to keep you young.

 

If he had been persistent and alienating, I would have and could have easily put him in his place. I've had to do it many times on the job.

[StoneinaPond]

Originally posted by Ani:

....If he had been persistent and alienating, I would have and could have easily put him in his place....

And I don't doubt that for one minute....

[Dr.Fuzz]

If men never attempted to come on to me, in whatever style their personality presents, I would begin to think that I was undesirable.

I've long suspected this was why I had problems getting dates over the years. I decided I was not going to be the kind of guy who 'hit on' women; unfortunately, they seem to be trained in todays society to take that as the only sign of a man's interest.

 

I'm glad my fiancee and I started as friends, and that grew into something wonderful... "Love is a friendship caught on fire".

[KenElevenShadows]

Personally, I would think that a compliment, showing interest, and flirting would all be far more flattering than coming on to someone.

[Anifa]

Actually, if you read the list of men that I find intriguing from earlier; none of them are the aggressive type.

 

The men that "come on" to me are the very men that DON'T get a date.

[the stranger]

Originally posted by Ken/Eleven Shadows:

Personally, I would think that a compliment, showing interest, and flirting would all be far more flattering than coming on to someone.

There's a difference?