Best Bagpipe Description Ever?

[Polychrest]

From Frank Bruni's "Best Sentences of 2023" column in the New York Times:

 

In The News & Observer of Raleigh, N.C., Josh Shaffer pondered the peculiarity of the bagpipe, "shaped like an octopus in plaid pants, sounding to some like a goose with its foot caught in an escalator and played during history’s most lopsided battles — by the losing side."

 

David Emm writing under a pseudonym?

[Anderton]

3 hours ago, Polychrest said:

David Emm writing under a pseudonym?

 

Josh Shaffer is clearly a made-up name for AI.

[Polychrest]

39 minutes ago, Anderton said:

 

Josh Shaffer is clearly a made-up name for AI.

If I’d published that vile bagpipe calumny under my own name, I’d be worried about being ambushed in the Scotch whisky aisle of our local liquor store by a kilted haggis addict brandishing a claymore.

[David Emm]

6 hours ago, Polychrest said:

From Frank Bruni's "Best Sentences of 2023" column in the New York Times:

 In The News & Observer of Raleigh, N.C., Josh Shaffer pondered the peculiarity of the bagpipe, "shaped like an octopus in plaid pants, sounding to some like a goose with its foot caught in an escalator and played during history’s most lopsided battles — by the losing side."

 David Emm writing under a pseudonym?

 

Thanks for the thought, but no, 'twasn't mine. I'd be proud if it was. I posted this elsewhere recently, but the mention of the pipes brings it to mind as a keeper. Perfect for sending to that aunt who keeps plaguing you with LOL cats.

 

"I wish people would stop calling the bagpipes a musical instrument.   
 They are a Scottish breathalyzer test.
 If you blow into them and don't want to blow your brains out,
  you're not drunk enough."
       ~ Warren Ellis

 

[KuruPrionz]

Why do Scotsman/Bagpipers always march while playing?

To get away from the sound!

 

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

 

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

 

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

 

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

 

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
You can tune a lawn mower.

 

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpiper, and out-of-tune bagpiper, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

 

How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
Add vibrato.

 

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

 

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

 

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

 

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

 

Why do bagpipers always walk when the play?
Moving targets are harder to hit.

 

What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
The frog might be getting a gig.

 

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.

 

What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

 

What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

 

How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

[o0Ampy0o]

So to some people bagpipes are in the same joke category as accordions?

 

I have always liked the unison and harmony of a bagpipe band.

[KuruPrionz]

5 minutes ago, o0Ampy0o said:

So to some people bagpipes are in the same joke category as accordions?

 

I have always liked the unison and harmony of a bagpipe band.

Don't forget banjos!!! Same cheesey jokes, different instruments. I left out the "How many ****** does it take to change a lightbulb. 

No dings on anything. I love all three instruments. I even love a well played kazoo orchestra!!!

[o0Ampy0o]

Some of those bagpipe jokes are funnier than the average accordion joke.

[KuruPrionz]

14 hours ago, o0Ampy0o said:

Some of those bagpipe jokes are funnier than the average accordion joke.

Accordion to who?

I found a page of bagpipe jokes and only copied the good ones.

So these may not be the average bagpipe jokes. I bet if we selected the best accordion jokes they could compete!

[David Emm]

21 hours ago, o0Ampy0o said:

So to some people bagpipes are in the same joke category as accordions?

I have always liked the unison and harmony of a bagpipe band.

 

I got to meet the leader of the Black Watch, who performed before a Lipizzaner Stallions exhibition. That was a memorable night. I'm with you about liking the pipes. Reed-y/fringe-y instruments like the harmonica hit a nice spot in my hearing. Some people just hear a giant mosquito or wounded pig, but they can piss directly off. Harmonica seems like a natural patch goal for a great synth solo.

[Polychrest]

 

On 12/29/2023 at 1:52 AM, o0Ampy0o said:

I have always liked the unison and harmony of a bagpipe band.

Me too.  Must be in my belligerent Scottish blood.

 

Despite Shaffer’s assertion, pipers didn’t always play for the losing side in war.  During WW1, British and Canadian battalions had more than 2,500 pipers in their ranks.  In the horrorscapes of slaughterhouse battles like The Somme and Passchendaele, some 500 of them were killed and 600 wounded.  They were typically the first to go “over the top” from the trenches during an offensive, cranking up their plaid-clad octopuses as they leaned into the hail of enemy fire that greeted their appearance.  The theory was that the skirl of the pipes would inspire their own troops and dismay their enemies.  Cynics, of course, would question who shot more pipers, the enemy, or music critics in their own ranks.

I was unable to find any reference to accordionists leading troops into battle.

 

[Shamanzarek]

Bagpipes traditionally use African Blackwood and Cocobolo which are now restricted under CITES. Bagpipe makers now need a permit to ship out of the country of origin. There is a Gibson Bagpipe Company in Nashua, NH founded in Ohio in 1978.

 

It has been a Scottish tradition for the last couple hundred years not to wear underwear under a kilt. In modern times it is common to wear boxers, briefs, or special kilt underwear.

 

 

[analogika]

I think the fascination with instruments explicitly designed to strike terror into enemy forces is kind of similar to, say pyrotechnics at a Rammstein concert. 

They're literally awe-some, in a way that requires us to overcome base instincts. 

[BMD]

Bagpipes. It sounds like a disease, doesn't it?

 

Having said that, I reckon the Campbeltown Pipe Band were (or was, if you're American) an appropriate addition to Macca's Mull of Kintyre

[Ivan May]

I really like the way Bon Scott plays the bagpipes on the song "It's A Long Way To The Top" by ACDC.

[nursers]

One of the best uses of bagpipes:

 

 

The latter section was the entrance music at my wedding, starting at 2:10

 

[lightbg]

On 12/30/2023 at 12:32 AM, Polychrest said:

I was unable to find any reference to accordionists leading troops into battle.

 

Fixed

 

[jazzpiano88]

When a set of bagpipes is thrown on the ground, it’s the only instrument that inspires one’s first reaction to kill the apparent primordial devil beast with a shotgun.