lightbg Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 1 - Your calendar has more doctor appointments than gigs. 2 - You need a nap after unfolding your Rock 'N Roller handtruck. 3 - You can't hold the "Start" switch long enough to engage "Run". 4 - You use Fast Leslie for a fan instead of sound. 5 - You need a big screen TV to see charts in iReal Book. 6 - You keep looking for the "Play" switch on a human drummer. 7 - Your Reface YC is the only organ you can carry. 8 - You've forgotten how to unfold your X-Stand. 9 - You need to ask directions back to the bandstand from the bathroom. 10 - You play the wrong "B" section in every "ABA" tune. Feel free to add your own. After 6 decades of gigging these are the ones I can remember...... Jake 2 1 Quote 1967 B-3 w/(2) 122's, Nord C1w/Leslie 2101 top, Nord PedalKeys 27, Nord Electro 4D, IK B3X, QSC K12.2, Yamaha reface YC+CS+CP "It needs a Hammond" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ABECK Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 You can't read the setlist written in 48 point font without your readers....which you forgot to bring to the gig......because you are old. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stokely Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 "Hey, as the keys player in our band, you'll be expected to supply the click for all our tracks." Gone. "Guys, sorry I'm late to practice...I didn't get around to learning all of those songs you mentioned but what about this Van Halen tune" *proceeds to wank away* "We work really hard on getting everything exactly like the record right down to the exact patches." Nope. Most of my "hang it up" conditions revolve around things like the second one, I have zero patience for people with no sense of commitment (even in a weekend warrior band). I could conceivably be in a band that runs tracks, but it would have to be for heavily sequence-y things only in a very synth-heavy context (where I'm still playing my butt off). Oh yeah, forgot one. "........" where you can't hear what was said at practice because the Marshall stack is blaring and the drummer is doing an Animal impersonation. My loud band days are already over and I'm still playing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HammondDave Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 You need three bathroom breaks during a set. Groupies laugh at you. You start envying the harmonica player. Smoking a joint during breaks puts you into a coma. There is no light on your side of the stage. You wonder which fingers will work tonight. You get crazy by ordering a double shot of Metamucil. Your hemorrhoids start requesting songs. Instead of weddings you are booked for funerals. ‘The audience has no idea what songs your band is playing. and… At the end of the gig you load your equipment into the guitar player’s car because you think it’s yours. 1 1 6 Quote '55 and '59 B3's; Leslies 147, 122, 21H; MODX 7+; NUMA Piano X 88; Motif XS7; Mellotrons M300 and M400’s; Wurlitzer 206; Gibson G101; Vox Continental; Mojo 61; Launchkey 88 Mk III; Korg Module; B3X; Model D6; Moog Model D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stokely Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 The bathroom breaks are no joke. I make certain sure I go as close the set start as I can. Our drummer is the baby of the group (early 50s-ish) and a couple times that isn't even enough, he has to jet off to go. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marino Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 14 hours ago, HammondDave said: Your hemorrhoids start requesting songs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Key hairman Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 Oh man that’s comedy gold!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PianoMan51 Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 Tom Jones…. Please Release Me, (let me go) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillearning Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 Your tinnitus and the guitarist are in a constant battle for ‘most annoying noise’. 1 1 Quote I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skipeb3 Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 A perk at a gig used to be a little hanky panky out in the parking lot... now it's just getting a good parking spot. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfD Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 "Jessie's Girl" is now an overweight grandma who just looks tired and worn out. 😎 1 Quote PD "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."--E. Ahbez "Nature Boy" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherScott Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 Related... I was just telling a bandmate that the problem is that we're getting older, but the people who are hiring us aren't. (She was bemoaning having to sing so many 21st century songs she doesn't like.) 1 Quote Maybe this is the best place for a shameless plug! Our now not-so-new new video at https://youtu.be/3ZRC3b4p4EI is a 40 minute adaptation of T. S. Eliot's "Prufrock" - check it out! And hopefully I'll have something new here this year. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillearning Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 1 hour ago, ProfD said: "Jessie's Girl" is now an overweight grandma who just looks tired and worn out. 😎 1 1 Quote I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnDoe Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 21 hours ago, HammondDave said: At the end of the gig you load your equipment into the guitar player’s car because you think it’s yours. You drive away to his house and his Mrs and....She´s OK with it = Happy ending! 1 Quote "This is my rig, and if you don´t like it....well, I have others!" "Think positive...there's always something to complain about!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adan Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 The hot 30-something woman who was making eyes at you during the gig approaches you after and says "I'd like to give you super sex!" and you reply "let me think about that . . . what kind of soup?" OK, I'll admit that's an adaptation of a corny old joke. 1 1 Quote Gigging: Crumar Mojo 61, Hammond SKPro Home: Vintage Vibe 64 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polychrest Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 The bandleader says he's inviting a fourth guitar player to join the oldies group because he sings a killer version of Gordon Lightfoot's "Carefree Highway". Don't ask me how I know this. 🤮 1 1 2 Quote “For 50 years, it was like being chained to a lunatic.” -- Kingsley Amis on the eventual loss of his libido Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stokely Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 I wouldn't be there to hear that as I would have left after the 2nd one was added. I'm sure some bands make all those guitarists work (Snarky Puppy does!) but not any of the ones I've been in.... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoken6 Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 43 minutes ago, Stokely said: I wouldn't be there to hear that as I would have left after the 2nd one was added. I'm sure some bands make all those guitarists work (Snarky Puppy does!) but not any of the ones I've been in.... When you're adding that many guitarists, you audition them on how well they DON'T play. Cheers, Mike 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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